the sun was setting in the west

♪♫ Farewell to Nova Scotia - Aselin Debison

I'm back! The last while has been really rough and I'm not doing well at all. I'll get to that in a bit, but first I'll talk about what has happened since my last blog, starting with my break up; we are still broken up. There isn't really any news on this, except that I'm feeling better about it, but still grieving the loss. The quarantine is making things a lot harder. I think it will take me a lot longer to get over it...

The day after my last blog, I celebrated Easter with my roommates. They insisted on making the dinner themselves, so I just made the stuffing. It was delicious! I also had a little chocolate bunny for dessert. I do wish that I could have celebrated with family though.


Pretty much everything that I ordered from my last blog has arrived! Everything is perfect, but my favorite thing is the color changing lamp/bluetooth speaker. Its so much fun to watch! Speaking of ordering... I ordered more stuff online since my last blog; a quilt set, flannel sheets, a fleece blanket, two pillows, two Rupi Kaur poetry books, the complete collection of Robert Frost's poetry, a book of poetry by Atticus, The Great War on DVD and an East Coast Strong shirt.


All the proceeds from the shirt go to the families of the victims from the mass shooting that occurred in my home province (Nova Scotia) this past weekend. We never experience violence like this, so it has been really hard on everyone. You may or may not have heard the full story, but the shooter had a replica police car and uniform, which he used to senselessly murder 22 innocent people over the span of 12 hours. He was shot dead by police at the very end. He was headed for where I live when the police caught up to him.

On a happier note; I got some new plants! Most of them are fake, haha. I went to the dollar store for some essential stuff, so I also bought some fake plants and a notebook to cheer myself up. I bought myself a real plant when I went to the grocery store; a cute little cactus that I've named Frank. I also wrote up a daily self care list to help keep me in a routine/keep me healthy. I'm going to update it in a few days to include some more stuff, but I think its been really helpful so far! I hope it makes a difference.


Also here is a recent selfie that I took. I've started doing winged eyeliner again just to make myself feel a little prettier. I definitely need a haircut though (my bangs are long & you can't see the rest of my hair... but its halfway down my back now), haha...


Another happy thing that happened lately; I noticed that Terry O'Quinn, who is one of my favorite actors, got a Cameo account. Cameo is a essentially a site where celebrities will send you a personalized video in exchange for you donating to charity. As soon as I seen it, I knew I had to do it! Terry played John Locke (my favorite character) on my favorite show Lost and I was supposed to go to a Lost con next month in Hawaii. I felt like even though this doesn't fully make up for it, it would be a nice way to have something Lost-themed that would make me feel a little better about missing my trip. He sent me my video today and it made my entire week! Anytime I ever feel sad for the rest of my life, I'm going to watch this video. ♥️


That's all for now. I hope everyone is well! I will try to return comments asap!

baby, you're no good for me

♪♫ Diet Mountain Dew - Lana Del Rey

Unfortunately, I have to start this blog off with some bad news; my boyfriend and I broke up. It was mutual and although I seen it coming, it still really hurt. I cried for a few days. Now I'm feeling like I've accepted it. I'm actually feeling a bit excited to begin dating again, but I don't plan on jumping back into that for a little while. Not just due to the quarantine, but also because I want to spend some time by myself and I want to focus more on my job as well. He was a great boyfriend and I wish him all the luck in the future with finding happiness.

Although he was great, I did let go of myself while we dated. Thats entirely my fault. I stopped putting effort into my appearance and I don't feel like myself now... I haven't for a while honestly. I've decided that once this quarantine is over, I'm putting lots of blue dye in my hair (underneath though so that I don't need constant touch ups), I'm getting a few tattoos, I'm wearing dark dramatic makeup again and I'm going to buy clothes like the ones I used to wear. I also want to start going to the gym/walking everyday and I want to buy those magnetic eyelashes that I keep seeing everywhere. I hear good things about them and I've always wanted longer/thicker eyelashes! I can't wait for the quarantine to end so that I can get started on all of this!

During this quarantine, I want to learn how to play piano. My house has one and I've always wanted to learn, so now seems like a good time! I'd also like to do some writing. I already got started yesterday on a romantic post-apocalyptic short story. It felt good to write again. It felt good to dream and fantasize about love and the possibilities that come with it. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be happy just dating several guys throughout my life and never committing to any of them. I struggle with being tied down. I'm a free spirit. I also love falling in love and I love experiencing that feeling over and over again. But who knows, maybe that guy/girl will come along that will make me change my mind and I'll spend my life with them.

The future looks bright and I'm looking forward to all the things to come. ♥

told me i've got what it takes

♪♫ Blinded By The Light - Manfred Mann's Earth Band

Not even an hour after writing my last blog, I went on Facebook and seen a bunch of pictures of my 'best friends' partying without me. I was so pissed. They were with BJ too! I felt like they picked him over me, so I freaked out and they felt bad. So they invited me to the bar to make up for it. I agreed, quickly got ready, and invited Matt to come along. Thankfully he agreed...but took forever to show up. At least he was kind enough to buy me smokes. I was having anxiety about seeing BJ for the first time since our break up. :/

We met up with them at Subway. They were pretty drunk. Especially BJ. He ran towards me and hugged me for a few minutes. He told me that he was happy to see me. And surprisingly it wasn't awkward. I felt like we were best friends again. So anyways, everyone besides Matt and I were hungry, so we all went into Subway. BJ offered to buy me a sub, but I declined. I haven't had much of an appetite lately. I think its my antibiotics or something. I don't know. But its annoying. D:

We went to the bar after that. It was a bar I've never been to before. And there was a cover charge. BJ was nice enough to pay for all of us. And once we got inside, we got a ticket for a free drink. I got a bottle of Molson Canadian. Yum! Then I realized something; a bunch of our friends were there...because it was Garnet's birthday. I felt bad for forgetting. But I made up for it with a birthday hug and saying 'happy birthday' to him. Then I left him to talk with his other friends. I wasn't a fan of the bar to be honest. Too many people dancing like idiots to loud shitty pop music, and I had to yell everything I said. :(

I mostly spent my night with Matt, Missy and BJ. We had some great conversations. Missy and I were drunk and making sexual jokes about each other; something about us being lesbians, banging in the bathroom and I sat in her lap several times. And I remember saying 'I wanna feel your arm nipples' for some reason, lmao. Weird as hell. Oh and Matt was upset for some reason. I think its because I let it slip that I've been flirting around. But I'm single and having fun. He has no right to get mad! -_-

I wanted to clear things up with BJ and I, so we went and sat outside. We admitted that we weren't attracted to each other. We were in denial. And we're just gonna be best friends again. I was so happy that it worked out. And he gave me his 'blessing' to be with Matt. Not sure if that is happening or not though. Then he got me to bring Matt outside and we all talked. Poor Matt looked so uncomfortable. I felt bad. :P

Matt eventually walked my drunk ass home, lmao. He always takes me home when I get too drunk. But this time, I invited him inside. He agreed. So I continued drinking, which was a bad idea. And I kept showing Matt random stuff in my room. Then we somehow ended up cuddling and holding hands for hours on my bed (until 6:00 am to be exact). It was really comfy. He kept playing with my hair. It felt so nice. I'm just scared to take anything further, because I don't want it to be a rebound. I'm also scared of being in love. I get hurt a lot.

I felt nauseous as soon as I woke up today. I tried telling myself it would go away. I relaxed and drank water. But it didn't work...so I ran to the bathroom and ended up puking five times in the garbage can. Ugh. Fucking hangover. I told my mum it was food poisoning because I didn't wanna tell her that I drank again. Ugh. Anyways, she made me a huge meal of breakfast foods; toast, eggs, sausages, a waffle and maple syrup. It was so amazing. I felt so much better after that. :D

Other than that, I haven't done anything interesting today. I've just sat around, feeling bored. Although...my feelings for the guy I mentioned in my last blog (which clearly is Matt if you can't tell...) have gotten...really intense now. I can't stop thinking about him. I don't think I've ever experienced this feeling before. Its somewhat frightening. O.o

the day of the doctor!

♪♫ Nothing

I got into a really artistic mood yesterday...a strange artistic mood. So I put my hair up in two buns, did my makeup, and added a couple accessories. I'm calling it my "alien queen" look. It was a lot of fun! I really like doing abstract face makeup. I wanna do more intense and colorful designs. I'll be like a walking piece of art.


Another David Lynch movie arrived for me; The Straight Story! I'm nearly finished my collection! On a completely unrelated note; I like two guys. I know, I know...so soon after my break up. I'm moving on so fast. I took all the gifts he gave me, plus pictures of us, and I put them in my closet. I'm happy. I'm actually fucking happy. Back to the guys; one I met through Kara, and the other is a good friend. They're both easy to talk to, cute, smart, nerdy, funny, etc. I'm just gonna keep talking to them and see where things go.


I got bored in the evening and ended up drawing. I tried drawing a self portrait, but it didn't turn out quite right. So I resorted to what I draw best; anime. And instead of drawing myself, I drew three of my favorite female fictional characters (Daenerys, Arwen & Ginny). It was a lot of fun! I wanna draw more anime versions of characters I like! I may even do that after this blog. I'm thinking maybe I'll try a David Lynch character. :D


The rest of my night was exhausting. I cleaned my entire room, which took a really long time. It was quite messy. And I heated up some Ravioli for dinner, and had a glass of milk. Welfare food. I'm very broke right now. Kraft Dinner, Mr. Noodles and Ravioli are gonna be the main foods I eat for a while. Oh and Lissa chilled on my bed with me. Its a very rare occurrence. Usually she just gives me death stares and knocks my stuff over. But I can't hate her. She is too cute (except for when she puked on my floor earlier in the day -_-). :3


Today has been great so far. I was instantly excited when I woke up, because today is The Day of The Doctor! The 50th anniversary special of Doctor Who. Being a Whovian, I was really impatient waiting to watch it. I tried distracting myself. Which somewhat worked. I discovered that Google has an awesome little Doctor Who game. Its quite fun! Anyways, I finally got my Doctor Who shirt on, filled my Tardis mug with tea, got a little pile of cookies, and began watching it. In conclusion? The episode was mind blowing. So amazing. Words can't even describe my happiness and frustration (because I have to wait till Christmas for a new episode).


Oh and I'm having deep feelings for someone. I'm not going to reveal who it is, because I just figured it out a few hours ago. I'm not sure if its gonna go anywhere. But I'm all giggly like a school girl. I keep smiling and I'm getting butterflies in my stomach. I'll talk more about it in my next blog. Right now I'm gonna find something to do, so that I don't die of boredom. :P

blue velvet through my tears

♪♫ Blue Velvet - Lana Del Rey

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday afternoon. I was a little more talkative than usual. But he decided to keep my medication the same. I didn't really wanna go home afterwards. I knew I'd just be bored. So instead, I went to the mall. And I bought some stuff for my future bedroom; queen size red/black comforter, black bed sheets, two zebra print lamp shades, black moon chair, and two lamp bases! Oh and People Magazine (which I'm not a fan of), has an issue out right now called Celebrate The '90s! I would have bought it if it wasn't fifteen dollars. Also; it mentions Twin Peaks! Anyways, I bought a few more things; a card for Bentley's birthday, a card for Kara's birthday, and black lipstick. ^_^



I sat in my moon chair when I got home, and I was so comfortable. I didn't move for hours. I just relaxed. Until I had to make supper, then when I was finished; I went back to the moon chair. I keep looking at all the stuff I ordered online and and the stuff I bought for my future room with excitement. I'm gonna have my dream room. I can't wait! I left a message with two ladies from the housing program to call me back and let me know if I'm close to getting an apartment or not. Waiting to see how that goes. I really wanna move out of here!

Today I had an appointment with my therapist in the afternoon. I found a package waiting for me in front of the door on my way out (I wish the damn mail man would stop leaving things outside my door -_-). It was Fire Walk With Me on DVD! So happy! I had to carry it with me to my appointment and a woman made a comment about how awesome the show is. I love random fan bonding moments, LOL. Anyways, I talked with my therapist about my self destructive behaviour. She wants me to call the rehab (to talk with a counselor), call housing, and call my old guidance counselor. I hope I remember all of that. :P


I went home after that. And things were fine...until I accidentally let it slip that I drink alcohol while taking my medication. I thought my mum was gonna flip out, but she was happy that I told her and gave me a hug. I also talked about my break up with BJ. The sadness is pretty much gone now. I've moved on really quickly. But I'm so used to him being around all the time. I want him to be my best friend again. I miss him. :(

I called the clinic (& it took half an hour to get through), and made an appointment for 7:30 pm. So I relaxed for a bit and drank as many liquids as I could (because I knew they would ask me to pee in a cup). And I got Matt to walk me there. I got a pretty picture when we walked through the square. Its covered in Christmas lights. Really lovely. :3


We had some time to kill, so we went into a few stores. Then we went into the clinic...and sure enough...they gave me a cup to pee in. Does it make any sense that they wanted me to pee in a cup to see why I can't pee!? What the fuck!? I mean, I tried as best I could. But twenty minutes went by, and nothing. So Matt ran out and bought me a bottle of water. I drank it was quickly as possible. Then I tried again, and finally I succeeded! xD

They put me in a room while they tested my pee. And it took a while. But finally the doctor came in and asked me more about my symptoms. He nodded and told me that my symptoms match up with the test; bladder infection. I was right. So I got prescribed antibiotics. I can't wait for it to go away! Its really annoying. -_-

As Matt and I left, it began to snow! It was the first snow fall...at least the first one I've seen. It was so magical! It put a big smile on my face. And then Matt made that smile bigger by asking me if I was hungry, then taking me out for dinner. I'm not sure if it was a date. But I wouldn't mind if it was. Only sucky part was when an annoying guy we know decided to sit with us and tell us a bunch of bullshit stories. Ugh. I was so happy when he left. It gave Matt and I some more time to talk. But we didn't talk for too long. It was getting late, so he walked me home. Now I'm just gonna watch Ravenswood. Maybe Supernatural after that. Depends on how tired I am. :P

the angel from my nightmare

♪♫ I Miss You - Blink 182

Friday was kinda dull. I was mostly depressed all day. Watching Friends again, of course. I really need to get out more. Starting to feel like I have cabin fever. Anyways, I did do one productive thing; I got all my Christmas cards done and ready to be sent! And my mum picked up a pack of stamps for me (& brought me chilli). I hope everyone likes them! Oh and I have inspiration to write...but no motivation...if that makes sense. Its frustrating. I wish I had more friends to talk to. And I wish my agoraphobia wasn't so bad right now.

I had quite the strange dream that night; My hot high school math teacher was there. I've always had a huge crush on him. So no surprise that I dreamt about him. Anyways, we lived in some sort of rooming house. But there wasn't enough beds, so we had to share. He began cuddling me at night in hi sleep. And one morning, we kissed. Somehow everyone else in the house got turned into a video game and we had to save them. So we got in a giant Hummer, which was really hard to operate. I couldn't make it up the road. Probably because he kept smiling at me and kissing me. Big distractions. Then he got turned into a video game and I had to save him. I panicked and ran back to the house. When I got there, a doctor was curing everyone. I walked by rooms and seen people sick in beds with nurses and doctors. Then I got to my room. He was there. So I walked over, sat down and he turned to face me. He looked so happy. And it all ended with a passionate kiss.

The dream left me with a feeling that felt so real. Something I haven't felt in so long; strong passionate love. I never felt that with BJ. I now know that we aren't meant to be. And I'm looking forward to finding that man who will kiss me so passionately that my entire body will tingle and I'll melt into his arms. I'm not gonna look though. I'm just gonna wait for prince charming to show up. :)

Later in the day, things got...interesting. I met up with Matt to watch the Santa Claus parade and get some hot chocolate. But we ended up not doing either of those things. Instead, we went to the bar for a drink. We sat on the patio and watched some drunk guy dance by himself, twerk and do jazz hands. It was hilarious. The whole patio was watching, laughing and cheering him on. Gotta love drunks, haha.

Our friend Ryan showed up after seeing on Facebook that Matt and I were at the bar. He bought us a pitcher of beer. I wasn't a beer fan before, but now I am! And Molson Canadian is the best! I had no problem drinking it. No bad after taste! Anyways, we munched out on cheetos, smoked cigarettes and played 'I never'. Ryan's friend Ben showed up in the middle of the game and joined in. But eventually we decided to play truth or dare...oh no. :P


Truth or dare got weird...like it usually does. I had to kiss both Ryan and Matt. Not awkward though. I don't mind kissing people. Ryan got the funniest dare; he had to lick a stranger's elbow. And he did it! The guy wasn't even mad. He laughed and came to sit with us. He was pretty cool. I think we had a second pitcher at some point. Its a bit foggy. But oh my fuck...I was so wasted. xD

Matt was acting odd. He looked upset, but we couldn't get him to talk. I already kinda knew what it was...he was upset that I kissed Ryan, because he has a crush on me. So I took him aside, and sure enough...I was completely right. So I told him that I have feelings for him. Which I do. But I'm not sure if they're really strong ones that will lead to a relationship. I also told him that I've just gone through a breakup. I was in a relationship for over a year. I just wanna fun right now and he shouldn't get his hopes up. He understood. Then...we kissed again. Because of silly drunk me.

We somehow lost Ryan and went on a journey to find him. But we ended up getting lost. We went up many flights of stairs and walked down many hallways. And guess what!? I ended up on the roof of the mall! I set the alarm off and didn't even bother running right away. I waited a few minutes, then Matt and I escaped. And I stole fake snow off a tree for no reason. Anyways, we decided to head back to the bars because we wanted to find Ryan and I wanted more beer. And it didn't take long to find him. He was on the patio of one of the bars.

I got more beer. Which I really didn't need. I was so drunk that I could barely walk. But I was loving it. Matt got upset again, because I was flirting with Ryan. I couldn't help it! He is a smooth talker. He knows what to say. I reminded Matt of what I said earlier and he cheered up a bit. Then I started acting weird. I kept laughing, nearly falling over and I stole a salt shaker. I think its part of my BPD. I have periods of time when I have self destructive behaviour. -_-

I vaguely remember going to the bank and Ryan getting money. Then I remember going to Julius for pizza and cigarettes. It was so delicious. But I felt kinda full from beer. So I ate it slowly. Matt went back to his bad mood again. Ugh. So Ryan invited us to his apartment. It was actually horribly boring when we got there. Matt was acting even more upset. Ryan felt bad. And I was drunk and being an idiot. We were supposed to play a drinking game, but Matt didn't wanna do anything. So Ryan and I walked him home.

He didn't wanna go home when we got to his house. So I asked him if he wanted to talk and he agreed. He ran upstairs to get his jacket, leaving me alone with Ryan. And he ended up kissing me. Ahhh. Why was I sluttin' it up all night!? Single life after being in a relationship for so long has turned me into a wild girl! Anyways, we all walked to the park nearby and sat down. We didn't even talk about why Matt was upset. I began talking about horror, gore and serial killers. I don't know why. My mind is fucked up. Oh and Ben randomly walked by. So he stopped to talk for a few minutes and I gave him the rest of my pizza.

Ryan was cold and tired, so he decided to head home. I stayed with Matt, and we talked more about things. I tried explaining it all better. I also added that I change my mind a lot because of my mental issues. I'm unstable. But I proposed the idea of friends with benefits. He had a huge smile on his face after that. But I'm not sure if that is gonna happen. I think I just wanna stay single for now. Anyways, he walked me home. We had a slightly awkward moment at my door when we almost kissed, but hugged instead. Oh and I found out that I won the auction for the Jumanji game on Ebay! :D

Today I woke up with a bad hangover. I forgot the golden rule; always drink a glass of water before bed. Ugh. I took a risk by getting my step dad to get me two bowls of chilli. It was really spicy, delicious and filling. And you'd think that would make me puke, but I was fine! Also, since I have such a guilty conscience, I told BJ everything about my wild drunk night. He was okay with it. Then Ryan and Matt kept messaging me. Both wanting to hangout with me. I kinda just avoided it. Other than that, I've been drinking lots of water and resting. My hangover is pretty much gone now. Yay!

my lips they could not speak

♪♫ Summer Wine - Lana Del Rey

You know what is dangerous? Being depressed and having a lot of money. I'll explain what happened a little better; I went to the mall yesterday with my mum, because she wanted to cheer me up. We checked out the newly opened Target (it was alright), and a few more stores in the mall. I tried on some expensive dresses that I couldn't afford. Just to put a smile on my face. And it did. I felt so beautiful. And before leaving, I ended up buying all six Leprechaun movies in a set for $20. Awesome! I don't know why I love those movies so much. They're so cheesy. ;D


We went to Walmart afterwards. My mum had a list of things she needed to buy. And I remembered that I had my debit card and a lot of money in my savings account. So I spent over $200 on; Supernatural season eight, the complete series of That '70s Show, the complete series of Friends, a zebra print pillow sham, candy cane kisses and Bentley's birthday/Christmas present. And my mum was feeling a little generous. She bought me zebra print slippers, winter boots, a mini pumpkin pie and whipped cream. Yum! ^_^


My mum went out again not long after we got home. She told me she was going to buy me pumpkin spiced bread and a jackknife to protect myself. She came back with no pumpkin spiced bread (damn you Starbucks for always running out of it!), and a tiny jackknife. It looks like it can barely do any damage at all. And its hard to open. My mum says she is gonna buy a bigger one with a button, so that the blade will swing open in a split second. Its a much better option for protecting myself.


I mostly spent the rest of the day feeling depressed in bed, and watching Friends. But I also did something stupid; I spent over $200 shopping online (for my birthday/Christmas presents - since my family doesn't celebrate holidays anymore). I purchased so many things that I've wanted for a long time. And I figured out that I'll be able to pay myself back for most of the money I spent. It'll be a tight squeeze, but I can do it. I'll only be $100 in debt to myself. No big deal. If I really need money, I could just sell a few things, do some work for my mum, babysit someone's kid, etc. Anyways, I'm not gonna list everything I ordered. Its a lot of things. And I paid for some of them with an eCheck, so I'm not entirely certain if I'll be getting them. The sellers haven't messaged me yet. I'm really hoping they accept it! And I hope that nothing gets lost in the mail. Especially the two most expensive items I ordered (both cost around $70).


I had to pry myself away from the computer before I spent my entire savings. Then I worked out a budget to be able to pay myself back. I had already done it in my head, but I like to have things written down (because of my bad memory). On a completely unrelated topic; Kara called me. She felt so bad about the breakup. And I didn't even have to say anything. She knew I wanted him back. Best friend intuition!? I told her I would tell them, she said she would call me back, then I got off the phone. And I didn't tell him. I was too scared. :(

She didn't call me back. Apparently she fell asleep early. So I just spent the rest of my evening depressed in bed, watching Friends once again. I kept thinking about BJ. I even texted him, but he didn't reply. So I cleaned my room, downloaded the new episodes of Supernatural and American Horror Story: Coven, watched them, then fell asleep. Dreadful night, even though I got to do things I enjoy. :'(

Today I ordered a couple more items online, then paid for everything! And I had a small fight with BJ. He was being a douche. Then he texted me back later and apologized. He told me that he loves me and he feels bad. I miss him so much. I used to think of other guys when I was with him, now I can only think about him. Even though it made me feel good to hear what he said, the depression hasn't gone away. I'm still in bed, and watching Friends of course. I only get up for food and to use the bathroom. And now I'm listening to sad love songs from the '80s. I feel like this is gonna lead to me crying over a bucket of ice cream as I watch Breakfast at Tiffany's. D:

i tried to be strong but i lost it

♪♫ You Can Be The Boss - Lana Del Rey

I had an absolutely horrible day yesterday. Mainly the end of the day. I'll get to that later. I'm gonna begin with the start of the day; I ordered the last few DVDs for my David Lynch collection! They are; The Straight Story, Dune and The Complete Series of Twin Peaks (once again - paying for them on Thursday)! I'm so beyond excited! And I get to order the rest of my birthday and Christmas presents on Thursday! I hope I have enough money for everything I want. And I hope it all arrives before my birthday and Christmas. ^_^


I mentioned in my last blog that I think I may have a UTI. *TMI* My peeing has improved. I've started drinking a lot more liquids, including cranberry juice. And I stopped my Prozac (which I thought may have contributed to it). I'm gonna wait another day or two to see a doctor. If it continues improving, that'll be great. If not...I'll have to suck it up and go see a doctor. Which I really hate doing. -_-

Later in the day...things became quite awful. I did too much thinking. And I realized something. I've built up a wall of denial for a long time and it came crashing down. I finally accepted that sometimes just because two people love each other, doesn't mean they are meant to be together (for now - who knows what the future holds). And yes, I'm referring to BJ and I. It completely crushed me when I knew what I had to do. I cried and talked with a few people about it. I was so scared that he would hate me. I wanted him and I to remain best friends. Because he is still so important to me.

I got Matt to meet up with me, because I didn't wanna be alone when I did it. I knew I would have to do it through text. Sounds bad, I know. But with my mental issues, I would have had a panic attack if I told him in person. So anyways, Matt and I went to the bar for a drink. We sat on the patio, so that I could smoke (I'm supposed to quit - but I was so stressed). I had to wait a while, because BJ was still at work. Then he finally texted me. And my heart sank. It was time.

He took it well. He wants us to remain best friends because I'm very important to him, which was a relief. And he is sad and needs some time to adjust to it. Understandable. We had a long conversation. I told him that we could end up together again. But right now is a bad time. And if he ends up with someone else, I'll be happy for him. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. The lack of intimacy pushed me away. I feel like I broke my own heart, if that makes sense. :(

Even though it went alright, I still cried. For hours and hours. I was so upset. I felt bad for hurting him, bad that things didn't work out for us, bad that I couldn't do it earlier, bad that I lied to myself, and bad that I'm alone now. Depression overcame me and my night was brutal. Thoughts of being alone forever kept crossing my mind. With all my mental issues, most guys run screaming for the hills. I don't have much hope for my love life.

It feels weird to be single after being a relationship for over a year. Its gonna be hard to get used to. No more dates, no more kisses, no more cute texts, no more cuddling, no more being treated like a princess...but I am so grateful for all the things the relationship taught me. It was a wonderful one. He was perfect. Now my standards are set high, and I know how to act for my next relationship. I won't accept less than I deserve anymore. I'm stronger from this experience. :)

I wish I had more friends to talk to about it. They're always so busy. I rarely see them. I felt so alone when I got back home, that I actually ended up praying. I prayed for two hours. I don't even know if anyone heard me, but I needed to get things off my chest. And eventually I spoke to K again. He is actually being a good friend right now.

Today was dreadful. I didn't really do anything at all. I was supposed to go to the clinic and the pharmacy, but I didn't feel like leaving my house. Instead; I cooked, cleaned and showered to get my mind off of it. And it didn't work very well. I cried more. My mum felt bad for me (but she also said that I'm very strong for doing the right thing). Actually, she felt so bad for me that she is taking me out tomorrow for tea and a bit of shopping. I'm gonna get dressed up and try to feel good about myself. I'm in such a weird state of mind. I'm upset most of the time, and feeling confident the rest of the time. My emotions are on a roller coaster. I hope things get better soon. :'(

not having a good day

♪♫ Nothing

Today has been really hard on me. About a week ago, my mom lost her job. When I woke up this morning...my step dad was packing his things and moving out. Apparently he had it planned for a month. My mom was happy. I was too. Until we realized that we have no money and we are screwed. We are both so upset and worried. I don't wanna be homeless. I'm so stressed out about this. :(

I left to hangout with some people, including my boyfriend. They did their best to cheer me up and it did help...but I'm still sad. My boyfriend bought me dinner, which was lovely. I couldn't eat much though. My stomach has shrunk, because there has been hardly any food in my house for a couple weeks. I felt dizzy a few times and had to deal with some anxiety too.

When I got home, I decided to stop using Tumblr. Been thinking about it for a few days now. Its all just random pictures, drama, personal problems and drugs. Tumblr is a hot mess. And it hurts to see my friends post about their drug use (speed has become a cool thing to do). A lot of my friends have been doing speed everyday for a couple months now. They're consumed by it and it worries me so badly. I talked with them about it, briefly. It didn't help. :(

But with all that shit piled up...I'm still making it through. I've got some dreams that I'm focusing on. I want to get my GED, go to university, travel, write a book...I also really want to have Christmas this year. I don't care that much about presents. I want a Turkey dinner (we can get into a church program for poor people and get free Christmas dinner), a tree (already have it), Christmas music and movies (got those too). Okay...maybe I want a gift or two. Nothing too expensive (a bookbag and a box of turtles. Thats about $30 worth of stuff). I hope things get better soon! :(

oh hey there!

♪♫ Nothing

Okay, so I've been cheating on Blogger with Tumblr. I've been writing most of my blogs there. And I almost forgot about this blog...

But I'm not deleting this blog. I love it too much. I'm gonna try to blog more. But if I fail, here is my Tumblr where I've been writing my personal stuff lately: zeppelingrrl.tumblr.com.

A brief summary of my last few weeks: realized that things with K was just lust. I wanted it to be more, but there was nothing there but pure physical attraction. I don't like his personality. So I ended it. And when I went camping last weekend, I finally admitted my feelings to my best friend Bj that I've had for a year. And to my surprise he felt the exact same way. We both didn't say anything because we didn't want to ruin the friendship and we were scared of rejection. But after wine and tequila, I had enough confidence to admit it to him.

He asked me out right away and I said yes! So now I'm dating my best friend and it feels so natural. It doesn't feel awkward at all. It just feels like I've been waiting for so long and finally I have what I wanted. I feel sparks and butterflies every time I'm around him. He is always saying and doing such sweet things. And we know each other so well from being best friends that everything feels so easy. I'm really happy. :)

I've had a bit of drama from a jealous bitch who can't stand my happiness. My boyfriend is one of her friends and I'm pretty sure she has the hots for him, because she lost it when I told her I was dating him. She called me "needy" and a "mooch", even though I'm nowhere near needy (her only reasoning is that I apparently talk about myself a lot...but thats only because I'm conceited and love talking about myself) and we've pretty much spent the same amount of money on each other. Bitches be crazy.

Thats about it for now. :3

we'd seen each other in a dream

♪♫ Magic Man - Heart

Too much has happened lately for me to blog about. It would take too long to write. A basic summary of everything is on my Twitter if you want to know.

I broke up with Garnet, which I really regret. I didn't intend to do it. But it happpened and now we are friends. Still hurts though. It probably will for a while. Also, I went to see DJ Pauly D in concert. It was horrible. I only went because of Kara. At least I got drunk afterwards. Whiskey saved that night. And listening to Led Zeppelin (whilst dancing in the street) to get the horrible music out of my head. Nothing else really major has happened besides those two things. I'm gonna try to blog more. I'm slack, I know.

i think i'll get outta here

♪♫ Just Like A Pill - P!nk

This break up has been really hard on me. Especially because people on Facebook were making it worse, by asking me questions, telling me rumors, advising that I get over it, etc. So I deactivated my Facebook. Its going to stay deactivated for a few weeks, because I'm going away on vacation and I want some peace. I'm not even gonna tell my best friends where I'm going. I'm just gonna leave...

While I'm on vacation, I'm gonna work on feeling better. I'm gonna make some changes on my outer appearance and inner self. Some things I have in mind are; buying a new wardrobe, becoming a redhead, getting a tattoo, eating healthier, reading more books and writing more short stories. I hope to accomplish all those things and more, before my vacation is over. I'm just sick of how my life is. I need change...I need a lot of change.

How I want my hair to look
The shade of red I want is exactly like Donna's from That 70s Show!

If I get a tattoo, it will be this Chinese symbol (meaning: destiny) on my wrist...

命运

As far as clothing goes, I wanna buy cute outfits, like this one...


My style right now is...tomboyish. I hate it. I wear t-shirts, jeans, converse, etc. I hardly even wear makeup anymore and my hair is always up in a ponytail. I really need to dress a bit more girly. Not too girly though...I don't want any pink, sparkles or lace.

I'm most likely not gonna blog for a while too. I need to get away from the internet. Although, I may check Twitter every once in a while. But other than that, I'm gonna be internet free for a few weeks. So this is goodbye for a while...

you're my one desire

♪♫ I Can't Quit You Baby - Led Zeppelin

For the past few days, I've been having bad anxiety. I have anxiety disorder, but its on and off. Sometimes I wont have it for months, sometimes I'll have it everyday for a few weeks and in 2009, I barely left my house for a whole year because of it. The point is; it varies. I'm really worried right now. I don't want to have anxiety for a long period of time. Its summertime, I wanna enjoy myself. Plus I don't wanna have anxiety when I got back to school in the fall. I don't know what to do...

Yesterday was one of my worse days. In the morning, me and my boyfriend got into a silly fight and I ran out in tears. I sat on the stairs for a while, then I began to cry over the fact he never followed me to see if I was alright. So I waited a little while longer, then I went back upstairs and he was sleeping. I decided I was gonna go home, because I didn't want to make my anxiety worse. So I packed my stuff and got the bus. I was really overtired, so it felt like I was on the bus forever...

I got home and my mum cheered me up. Its the weirdest thing...she was in a great mood. She made me a hamburger, rice and veggies with strawberry ice cream for desert. I guess it was technically breakfast, but it felt like supper. Then she sat on my bed and we talked for a bit. I ended up going to sleep around 10am and I didn't wake up until 8pm. My sleeping schedule is completely fucked up. I've tried to fix it, but it fails every time.

Ever since then, I've been playing dress up games online. Its been doing a good job of keeping my mind off the anxiety. When I wake up later today, I'm thinking of going to Digital World and buying some games for my GameCube. I want either Harvest Moon or Mario Kart: Double Dash! I'm also gonna get some Harry Potter merchandise, a gnome wallet, a chocolate milkshake and a few groceries. I just really hope my anxiety doesn't act up when I go to the mall. Crowds of people are one of the many things that cause me to have panic attacks.

The gnome wallet
I'm actually buying this for Kara, because shes a gnome.
The Harry Potter merchandise
I'm mostly excited for the mini Hedwig! I wanna get a stuffed animal version of Hedwig too.
I might not end up buying all of them. It depends on the amount of money I have and how I feel when I get to the store. Sometimes I think I really want something, then I change my mind at the last minute. xD

P.S. Me and Robyn are no longer fighting. Its worked out, for the most part.

Edit @ 8:06 am » Not long after I wrote this blog, me and my boyfriend broke up. He broke up with me. I've been bawling my eyes out ever since. He means the world to me. He is so much more perfect than he even knows. He is the most beautiful person I have ever met in my life, no exaggeration. I wish I could put into words how wonderful he is. But it would take a really long time. I just wish this whole thing didn't happen. I'm completely heartbroken...

all the children are insane

♪♫ The End - The Doors

Its 3am, I'm extremely tired and I have to write a blog. Why? Because via Facebook creeping, I have discovered that The Hobbit is being made into two movies. I realize I'm a huge nerd. But I'm fucking happy as hell right now. I remember that depressed feeling I had when the Lord of the Rings ended. Now there is more? Oh fuck yes. My life is complete. I could dance right now. ^_^

Photo from the set of The Hobbit: Is it me or is Peter Jackson looking good? He lost a ton of weight..

Oh and I did I mention it comes out a few days before my birthday?
On a completely different note, I need to move out of here. My mum is driving me nuts. Especially because all she talks about his how much she hates Barry for leaving her. I understand that she is hurt. But she needs to move on and get over it. He is not coming back and she deserves better. Its putting a lot of stress on me, which I really don't need. -.-

So me and Kara are job searching. Once we both have jobs, we're gonna get an apartment together. I wish it would happen right now...but life doesn't work like that. I have to wait a few months for everything to work out...gah. Hopefully all this shit doesn't ruin my awesome summer plans. This is the first summer I'm spending in the city and I have sooo much I want to do...

Thursday should be a good day. I'm having a sleepover with Kara and Garnet. Plus Garnet is getting me smokes, an oven sub, cotton candy and Dr Pepper! ♥

gone insane from the pain

♪♫ For Whom The Bell Tolls - Metallica

This week has been amazing. On Thursday I decided to hangout with Kara, since I hadn't seen her in a while. First we went to Garnet's apartment, watched TV and smoked. Then we walked around for a bit (Suffolk Street 'n seein' Bubba, lmao!). We met up with BJ and went to Garnet's work (Greco) and got some supper. Then BJ, Kara and I went to the overpass and listened to Eminem. Around 10pm we walked BJ home and took a bus to Greco. We met up with Shayne and waited until Garnet got off work, then we headed to his place where we did blades, ate pizza and watched The Mechanic. Kara and I stayed overnight and slept in Garnet's super comfy bed, lol.

The next day I hungout at Garnet's for a bit with Kara, then headed home. I ate some supper, took a quick shower, then headed to Megan's. When I got there, Megan, CJ and BJ were all heading to Frankies. So I went with 'em. I had about nine shots of brandy and played pool. I was pretty drunk by the time I got back to Megan's. Before I fell asleep in her recliner, I ate some delicious chicken wrapped in bacon (I could feel my arteries clogging). As soon as I woke up in the morning, I headed back home.

I got home around 3pm, so I ate the last few cherry cupcakes and watched the season finale of Supernatural online (my mind was fucking blown!). Then at 6pm, since the apocalypse was supposed to begin, I listened to Johnny Cash...'cause I promised myself when the world ends, I'll be listening to 'Sunday Morning Coming Down'. But the world didn't end, so I spent the rest of my evening watching TV.

Today I downloaded a bunch of new music and put 'em on my iPod. I'm currently addicted to Norwegian Wood by The Beatles, For Whom The Bell Tolls by Metallica and Dazed and Confused by Led Zeppelin (mainly the live version where Jimmy Page uses a violin bow on his guitar *orgasms*).

I ended up spending about an hour counting a ton of change I found in my drawer. I had almost $20, so I set $13 aside for smokes and a chocolate nesquik drink, then took $6 and got some munchies at the store for my mum and I.

I also did a few chores and watched some TV today. But yeah...thats my whole weekend. It was really amazing. Especially 'cause the weather has been beautiful. Oh and I almost forgot; my mum and step dad are getting divorced! He moved out a few days ago. I never liked him, so I'm pretty happy about it, haha...

sooner or later

♪♫ Gods Gonna Cut You Down - Johnny Cash

I fucked up. I lost my best friend and I'll never forgive myself. All I can do is look back on the good memories we've had...

The time he came over to my house at 2am just to get a hug. We ended up playing with Polly Pockets and dressing them up like hookers.

The time we lit a grass fire with his underpants and got into a fight with some preppy girl.

The time we smoked a joint, went to my house and I was spinning around in my computer chair.

Plus much more...

Its all I have left. Because I'm an idiot.

I'm hoping one day he'll forgive me for what I've done.

I'm hoping he'll finally see what his girlfriend is really like. Because I can see right through her. Shes fake. She treats him horribly and he goes back for more, every time.

But I can't focus on it. I have to move on.

Even though its painful...

Its time for me to walk away.

And say goodbye. I'll forever miss him. ♥

EDIT //

Excuse the mess of clothes on the floor...

This is what I want to wear to the concert --- tight mini black dress that shows cleavage, black fishnets and black converse.

What do ya think? ;)

come eat some chemicals

♪♫ Chemicals - Scars On Broadway

My internet stopped working a few days ago, so I've had to use my phone (which is what I'm using right now). I discovered that I really don't need internet. Why? Because I can do everything on my phone, that I did on my laptop! So I'm cutting my internet off...

Do not worry though, I'm still gonna be able to write blogs & comment on everyone else's blogs. I just can't change the layout. :( I'll have to go to Matt's house if I wanna change it...which I'm planning on doing around the beginning of December.

In other news; my step dad got arrested! No no no, its not a bad thing! Why? Because I hate him. Plus they are getting a divorce. I've been waiting seven years for this to happen. My life just got 1000 times better! :D

That's all I have to say, so I'm gonna make some food & read a book. Byes!

i'm a lazy sod

♪♫ Evenstar - Lord Of The Rings Soundtrack

I'm sooo sorry I have been neglecting this blog. I've had a lot going on lately...but its all over with now. I'm also feeling a lot better about everything...I just wish things would have been different. Because in the end, everyone got what they wanted...except for me.

"I’ve never been good at letting go. Maybe its because so many people have let go of me. I hold on so tightly, only to have you slip away..."

I want to say sorry & tell you it was all a nightmare. But I can't & you know it. Because I can't control what happened anymore than I can control breathing. You'll never know the pain I feel inside, for eternity. I'll never be able to change this. Because of that, I'm torn apart. Things will never be the same...

Now that I've got that off my chest...what else should I say? Oh, yes...I'm getting a pet rat next week! I'm really excited! It shall be a black one & honestly, I haven't decided if I want a male or a female. But...I picked out some names anyways...

» Frodo.
» Eowyn.
» Sammy.
» Scabbers.
» Ron.

Thats all I have so far. If you have any other name ideas, let me know!

Also, I think I mentioned this before...I don't remember though, so I'll say it again; my boyfriend & I broke up. It happened like three weeks ago. Honestly it hurt at first, but I realized him & I were just meant to be friends. So don't be all like "Oh my god, I'm so sorry to hear that. Things get better...blah blah blah." because I assure you, I'm fine.

I got my hair done...a while ago. There is red, black & blonde streaks in it now. I love it, even though the red faded & it looks pink now. I plan on getting green streaks when the red completely fades. Oh & my whole "growing my hair out" plan is going pretty good so far. Wanna see!? Okay, look below. :)

Last night I went to my friend's birthday party. Everyone got completely hammered...including me. It was an amazing night. Especially when Greg took his clothes off, ran around the field screaming "check out my swagger!" then grabbed Paul's leg & screamed "I walk with a swagger!" until Paul punched him in the face. I didn't stop laughing until I went to bed that night. Heres some pictures from the party (I always look so awkward in party pictures)...

Oh. My. God. I almost forgot...I got a BlackBerry Torch! I'm sooo addicted, I go to sleep holding it...aha, thats pretty bad. I get why they call it a "CrackBerry" now...

Well...I think thats it. I'm going to make breakfast & have a Lord of the Rings marathon. So leave some comments & I'll return them within the next few days. Goodbye!

an evening star

♪♫ May It Be - Enya

So sorry that I haven't updated in so long. Heres my excuses:

- a lot of drama has been going on with my friends.
- my boyfriend & I broke up, but decided to remain friends. :) it was ended on good terms & honestly, I like being his friend more.
- i've been saving up money to go to driver's ed. my mom is gonna buy me a car when I graduate.
- i've been job searching.
- my grandmother is coming here tomorrow.
- i've had a lot of cleaning to do.

I promise, this Sunday I will write a new blog!