I'm breaking out of this cage

♪♫ Not Afraid - Eminem

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog about general life updates. My last blog was about the loss of my sweet girl Kitkit, and the one before that was about my trip to Europe. In between all of that, I have had some updates that I haven't gotten the chance to share since about mid October. Starting with all the thrifting and eBay/Etsy purchasing I've been doing! The only thing I didn't purchase in the below images is the Carrie book with no title, which is what my dad bought me for my birthday in December. Also, this doesn't include all the clothes I have purchased. I usually don't post about clothes because I find it so much less interesting.

In my last blog, I had also discussed how I was working on memorializing Kitkit. Since then, all the items have arrived, and I picked up her box of ashes. I set up a little area on my shelf for her, but her box of ashes have been in my bed since I brought them home. I wrapped them in a thick blanket to prevent me from taking my eye out on the sharp corners, but I just couldn't bear to have her sitting on a shelf. At least not right now. I'm still struggling with the grief. Anyways, here is what I have to remind me of her...

Since she passed, I have been battling grief and grief-induced depression. It doesn't help that the winter here has been much harsher than usual, causing a snowstorm every single week. In addition to that, I'm working, doing a student placement, and taking two classes. I'm so overwhelmed and I don't have any control over it. It feels like I'm drowning. My goal of starting my career and finally having my own place seems as far away as it did five years ago. The goal posts keep moving, and I'm exhausted. I'm thirty-three, and I shouldn't be in survival mode just to try and start my life at this point. It feels frustrating and unfair that I am struggling so much.

Another blow to my mental health came last week when I received a rejection letter for my master's degree. A bachelor's degree in my field doesn't get me much more money than I make now, and the cost of living in my area is super high. I need a master's degree to get a higher paying job and actually live. Now I am worried about being homeless again. Everything I have worked towards for the past ten years has been fueled by my intense fear of being homeless again. I do not have family to help me financially or with a place to stay. My parents both live in tiny bachelor's apartments and are very low income. I am on my own to fight just to survive and I can't fucking take it anymore.

As I write this, my blood pressure feels like its rising. This is becoming so ridiculous and I honestly want to give up and just let everything fall apart. Maybe I'm meant to live on the streets, since life has handed me almost no lifelines and everything feels like I'm playing a game on hard mode. Its difficult to watch people accomplish all of these things with ease from having so much financial and emotional support. Those same people try and give me advice or guidance, and its just frustrating to hear anything from someone who has so much help. They don't understand how difficult this has been for me and how devastating it will be if I fail. I can't run to family for a place to live and money for a different degree. I have no backups.

I still have two more master's programs to apply to, but I feel so defeated. It feels like there is no point. I'm trying to climb out of a pit that keeps getting deeper. I hate my life right now, and that is an awful thing to admit, because I loved my life for years up until now. It all fell apart so quickly. I don't feel like myself at all. I feel so disconnected from who I am.

That is a heavy rant, but I needed to get it off my chest. I don't know what will happen in coming months, but I am not able to continue with this stress much longer, and quitting is so appealing to me right now. And no, I'm not suicidal. I certainly feel like everything is unbearable, but my brain hasn't reached that thought yet.

you left pawprints on my heart

♪♫ Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton

I was going to write a blog a week and a half ago about all my life updates in the past few months... but life had other plans. On January 6th, my 16-year-old cat Kitkit started showing signs of a health issue. I was laying next to her, and her face just looked... Different. I had this gut feeling that I didn't have long left with her. That same day I noticed that she hesitated when jumping off my bed, which she never did before. Each passing day, it got worse. It went from hesitation, to jumping and her right back leg giving out, to both legs giving out, then she stopped trying to jump at all and just stayed on my bed, not eating, drinking, or using the litterbox. I wasn't sure what happened, so I brought her to the vet. It took me a few days only because I thought maybe it was just a mild sprain. I've seen her limp before for a day or two and then she was fine... I was hoping that was the case again.

For some additional context; last year she was diagnosed with early stage of kidney disease. I brought her to the vet for check ups and monitored her through the year. A few months ago, I noticed she was dragging herself a lot. Her energy seemed low. The vet told me that she has arthritis and so we began a monthly needle for the pain. So I when I took her to the vet on January 9th, they did an X-ray and it showed that her kidneys were in far worse shape than we knew. Her blood tests hadn't shown the reality of how bad it was. It also helped the vet determine that the issue with her legs was actually her hips which were basically dislocating from the severe arthritis. The fact she wasn't trying to jump or move means the arthritis reached a level of pain that the monthly needle was no longer helping.

Now the vet explained that narcotics, which she would need for the pain, were not possible long term due to her kidneys being in such bad shape. Basically she would rapidly die from kidney disease. Waiting for her hips to heal was not an option because the pain was preventing her from drinking and using the litterbox... Also causing her to rapidly die from kidney disease. I couldn't bear to see her in so much pain, so I agreed to make an appointment for euthanasia for the next day, and the vet gave me narcotics for the last day of her life so she could be mostly free of pain. I was devastated to find out that I only had one day left with my bestest friend.

I took her home and spent every moment I could with her. I could tell that the meds were working because she was jumping up and down off of the furniture, although her legs were still giving out. She was laying with me and purring, and I gave her all her favourite treats. I kissed her lots and told her I loved her as I cried. I couldn't stop crying. I even picked up my parents to come see her one last time, because she had lived with both of them at different times and they love her too.

The next morning I took her in. It felt like my world was crashing around me. I could barely catch my breath. The vet took her out back to give her a sedative, then brought her back into the room with me. She was awake and aware, although drowsy. The vet asked if I wanted to hold her while they did it. I said yes. I always knew that I wanted to hold her while she died, even though I didn't want to witness it happen... I just couldn't let my baby die alone or without my comfort. The vet wrapped her lower body with towels and I pulled her close to me, resting her head against my chest. I told her I loved her, stroked her fur, and kissed her head as she died. She went peacefully in my arms, knowing the comfort and love of her mama in her final moments.

I have been crying since then. The worst of it was the first few days. I was a wreck. Barely eating, barely drinking, barely sleeping... I just couldn't function. Some people may not understand this deep level of grief over a "pet", but Kitkit wasn't just a cat. She was family to me. I love her deeply. I love her more than most members of my actual family. This loss is deeply impactful to me. It has shaken up my lack of beliefs about religion and has me questioning if there is an afterlife. I just hope to see her again someday... I hope that when I die, I see her running up to me, meowing, and putting her paws up on my leg to be picked up, just like she did when I would come home from work.

Kitkit was such a loving cat. Many people who don't have experience with owning cats seem to think that cats are mean and uncaring. That isn't true at all. Kitkit loved being cuddled, held, and petted. She was always demanding attention. She was never cruel to me. She had a funny mischevious personality. She loved knocking things off of my dresser. She loved eating plastic bags. She was scared of ceiling fans. She didn't like men a whole lot. She loved making biscuits and purring when I was next to her. She was so happy. She lived a very good life and only knew love and comfort. Despite that fact, I still feel deeply depressed about her loss.

Mama loves you forever Kitkit 🧡
I got her individually cremated, because I couldn't stand the thought of her not being with me or being in a mass cremation with other pets (I am still waiting on her box of ashes to be ready for pickup). I know it doesn't make total sense... its not really her anymore, its just ashes... but I still feel like its part of her and I need to keep it with me. Grief will have you doing weird things... I've been sleeping with a stuffed bear to help fill the void, because Kitkit used to sleep next to me every night. I haven't moved her litterbox because I cry at the thought of not seeing it (I did clean all the litter out of it though). I also smell her blanket when I'm really struggling, so that I can feel her presence even just for a moment. I have also been sleeping on my couch since it happened, because I can't yet bear to sleep in my own bed without her.

To work through my grief a little bit, I have been working on memorializing her. I have purchased several things online; a vintage gold cat frame brooch, a custom gold bracelet with her photo and name engraved on it, a car mirror hanging ornament with her photo and some personalized words, a pink leather paw pouch key chain to keep her fur clippings in, a 4x6 photo frame with paw prints on it, a little photo frame Christmas ornament with a paw print on the side, and I printed 368 photos at Walmart (basically every photo I have of her) and got a photo box to put them in. I also have several videos of her on my phone, which I uploaded to my private YouTube to ensure I have them in case something happens to my phone. Also, my dad, who is an artist, is also going to draw me a picture of Kitkit with angel wings and a halo. I just have to figure out where in my room to set up her memorial. I want it to be near my bed... but my space is limited, so I may need to install a wall shelf from Ikea.

In addition to all the things I ordered, I also had something that I actually purchased a year or two ago; a little photo album that says "my furry child" with pictures of cats on it! I found it at the thrift store for a few dollars and told myself I would eventually get pictures printed out of Kitkit and place them inside, but I really procastinated it... until now. I have too many photos of her to fit inside, so I chose my favourite ones to display in this little album. I'll cherish it forever.

 

I am also keeping some of her items; her two blankets, her favourite little mouse toy that I found in my bed after she passed way, her brush, and some of her treats. I need to still feel like she is with me. Parting with her has felt like a part of my soul has been ripped out. I'll never fully recover. Never. But I will learn to live with the grief and smile daily when I think of her. It will take a long time for me to work through this hard part... it hurts so bad. Its the worst emotional pain I've ever experienced.

Rest in peace sweet girl 🧡

the future is coming on...

♪♫ Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz

Its been over a month since David Lynch passed away. The grief has been up and down. It still feels hard to believe that he is gone. He has had such a major impact on my life. I have been honouring him in different ways since my last blog post. For starters, I re-watched the first two seasons of Twin Peaks (which I typically do every February since that is when the story begins in the show). I am going to watch the third season and movie too, but I got caught up in school work, so it won't happen until April. In addition to watching Twin Peaks, I also gave myself Twin Peaks themed nails!

After the news of his death, I had ordered myself a few items that I didn't yet have for my David Lynch collection. Prices for David Lynch items began to soar after his death, so I had to jump on a few major items from my wishlist to secure them before I couldn't afford them. Those items were: On The Air on DVD, Lynch on Lynch, and Twin Peaks: The Final Dossier. They finally all arrived and I'm thrilled! I just wish I was able to find the book Catching The Big Fish for a reasonable price. Prior to his death, it was around $40. Now the book is around $125, which is way too much in my opinion. I do need it to complete my collection of books about David's life. Hopefully I come across a cheaper one!

I also just recently ordered Hotel Room on Blu-ray. Hotel Room, like On The Air, was never released on anything other than VHS because they were both shows that were cancelled before they even reached the midway of their first season. The VHS tapes are also quite rare, and often expensive. I do own Hotel Room on VHS, which was only $30, but VHS is not a stable form of media and will degrade over time. There are a couple companies in California that convert rare media onto DVD and Blu-ray, which is where I got On The Air. I recently chose a second company (mainly because it was cheaper) to purchase Hotel Room on Blu-ray, so that I'll have a long-lasting and stable copy of this rare piece of media. I am expecting it to arrive in the mail any day now. The tracking says it has reached Canada, but it may take a day or two for the mail carrier to pick it up.

I also jumped on ordering this because of the Tarriffs that the United States government is putting on Canada. I have no idea how this will impact things like purchasing DVDs and Blu-rays, but I am just being safe. I have shifted entirely to purchasing DVDs and Blu-rays in Canada for the past month or so, but due to the rarity of Hotel Room, there was no other option aside from California to buy it from. Going forward I am limiting my purchases of DVDs and Blu-rays from the United States to only very rare ones that can't otherwise be purchased (or are highly unlikely to be purchased) here in Canada.

In general, I am avoiding purchases of items from the United States, as are many Canadians. It turns out that most items I purchased for groceries were already Canadian (with the exception of fruits that are from Mexico & South America), so I didn't need to make many changes. The only items I am having a hard time finding alternatives for are salad greens (spinach, lettuce, & argula), makeup (I use ELF, Nyx, & Maybelline mostly), and coldbrew coffee (I'm working on making my own at home). I suppose it isn't about perfection, just doing what I can. I may still need to continue buying American makeup. There are many non-American makeup brands, but I have sensitive and difficult skin, and I spent years finding the perfect products that work for me. It would be highly challenging to go through that process again. I don't wear makeup everyday anyways, so I only really purchase makeup a few times a year.

I am giving up my mini addiction to Bath and Body Works products, because they are American. Instead, I'm focusing on Lush. I already love Lush and buy products there often, so its not a hard switch at all. Not every item and store is as easy to simply label as American or non-American. I shop at Winners (the Canadian version of TJ Maxx), and I recently purchased a Juicy Couture dreamer bag. The bag said it was made somewhere other than the United States (I think it was the United Kingdom). American brand? Yes. Created outside of the United States and supports jobs of a country friendly to Canada? Yes. My rule is that if it was made outside of the United States, even if the company is American, I'll buy it (unless the company has been vocally pro-Trump, then its a hard no). I also made the exception for the Tupperware heritage collection because Tupperware has gone out of business and the heritage collection is my only chance to have Tupperware that looks just like vintage ones, but without the lead/other chemicals. I have collected six pieces so far.

I don't plan on visiting the United States either. Honestly, I'm too scared. Tourists have been detained by ICE for no good reason, and the pro-Trump crowd seems to think Canadians are evil. I loved visiting the United States and I have met many lovely Americans, but the risk has become too high for me. I'm glad I got to see New York City, Salem, Bangor, and all the other places I visisted before all this political stuff happened. My next trip is to Europe (Ireland, Scotland, England, France, & Norway), and after that, I'm focusing on Montreal, Quebec (here in Canada), and either Cuba or the Domincan Republic. In a way this is good for me, because it pushes me to travel outside of my comfort zone. The United States felt familiar and most Americans couldn't tell I was Canadian, so there wasn't a culture shock or much difficulty in figuring things out. I know that'll be different in Europe. I think It'll be especially challenging in France with the language barrier and the much higher standards for everything.

I wish the world was an easier place, and I wish people were more caring and respectful of each other. Its a shame that hatred has taken over so much. I am trying to remain optimistic, but its hard. I do hope everyone is taking care of themselves and taking breaks from the news. That is all for now!

its been too long...

♪♫ Dilemma - Green Day

Wow! Its been way too long since I last blogged. Oops! I have had an eventful time since my last post. I'm too lazy to write it out, so I'm going to list it in bullet form (in no particular order):

• I went on a two week trip to see my best friend Kara. She lives near the US border, so we went on a trip to Bangor, Maine for a night. We did Stephen King touring (on our own), since we are both big fans. We also did lots of shopping and ate at Olive Garden (my favorite restaurant ever now). I purchased a lot of stuff at Walmart and Target, haha. Some items include; a Tree Hut body scrub (which I'm obsessed with now), a Goosebumps sweatshirt, a little plush Pennywise doll, a Body Fantasies spray, a jack-o-lantern face shirt, snacks, and more.

• Began planning for a Salem/Boston trip in August 2024. We are driving (only 5.5 hours from where my best friend lives). We are going for four days and have already booked our Airbnb. However... for our last night, we are actually staying the night at Lizzie Borden's house in Fall River. We are both really into paranormal stuff and true crime, so we are super excited!

• Speaking of trips, I went to Ontario in November, and stayed there for four days. It was my first time there, and I really enjoyed it. Also, the trip was almost free because I used an Air Canada voucher (they gave me because of the 24 delay/cancellation when I returned from New York), which covered the cost of the roundtrip flight. I also stayed with a friend, so the accomodation was free. She lives in Hamilton, which is halfway between Toronto and Niagara Falls, so we went to both! We did Toronto the first day, where I saw the CN tower, did some shopping, and wandered around. Then the next day we did Niagara Falls. We stayed at an Airbnb for the night because we had plans to drink. First we stopped at the falls to see them lit up at night, then we went to a bar and got drunk, haha. The next day we drove across to Niagara Falls, NY to eat at Olive Garden. The whole trip was tons of fun!

• I graduated from university. I got my degree with honours and I also made the dean's list, so I am very proud of myself! After my graduation ceremony, I went out for lunch with family to celebrate and I got some gifts; a 10k gold heart locket, a Juicy Couture purse, and Halloween cupcakes. Not pictured are the monetary gifts I recieved.

• I already started another degree at a different university. I am doing a social work degree now. Its online and since I'm doing it part time, it should take about three years to complete.

• I have discovered I have mild lactose intolerance. Since I switched to lactose free products, I am feeling a lot better.

• I have been cooking a lot more and perfecting my skills. I've made stews, soups, gumbo, goulash, and more. Everyone has raved about how good my food is! I ended up buying the cutest crockpot that is the perfect size to make myself a few days' worth of meals.

• I turned 31 in December. I decided to go visit my best friend Kara again. Her birthday is also in December, so we decided to celebrate together. Before I left, I had a dinner with my family and they gave me gifts. I forgot to take pictures of most of the gifts. However, I did get a picture of the gifts my dad gave me; David Lynch's Dynamic:01 on DVD, Sex Pistols on vinyl, and the Criterion version of Lost Highway. He knows me so well!

• When I went to visit my best friend Kara, we did lots of stuff. For celebrating our birthdays, we got an ice cream cake that has our nicknames for each other on it (long story haha), and had a fancy dinner with drinks. We also exchanged gifts. While I was there, we also visited the US multiple times for shopping and eating out (since its so close to her house). I went a little crazy at the US Walmart, haha. I stocked up on a year's worth of Tree Hut scrubs because we don't have them in Canada. The downsides of the trip was a windstorm that knocked the power out for a few days, having food poisoning for two days, and getting a flat tire just before my trip!

• As soon as I returned from my birthday trip, I only had a few days until Christmas, so I got right to work on making a double batch of my family's traditional shortbread cookies. This year's batch was the best so far! I also added a new shape to the cookie cutters: mushroom! Its so cute!

I can't think of much else that is new. I will try to keep up with blogging!

lookin' like a true survivor

♪♫ I'm Still Standing - Elton John

Wow... its been months since I last blogged. I meant to blog much sooner, but I think I needed the break. I had a rough few months, but things are better now. I was struggling to adjust to so much change, plus getting my stress level down was hard even though things had settled. Speaking of stress... I got an ulcer. I'm taking medication right now for it, plus I'm on a special diet, so hopefully that heals it up. My doctor thinks in a few months it'll be fine and I can eat normally again. One of the things I can't have is tomatoes (because they are so acidic) and I miss them so much... mostly in chili and on pasta, haha.

I decided to only take three classes this semester (which all have small workloads) and its been a nice break. I've also been taking a bit less shifts at work to give myself more personal time. Although I haven't really gotten around to getting back into writing my book, the free time has been great for my mental health. I'm slowly getting back to where I want to be. I have also used a lot of my free time for thrifting. These past few months have been the best so far in terms of thrift finds. Everything was between $1-$13. Amazing deals!

I also purchased some non-thrifted items; a pumpkin-head figure version of Dwight Shrute and a mini ceramic Christmas tree (vintage inspired).

I wish I had more to say, but that is basically it for now. I'll try and blog again in December!

on the edge of something breakin'

♪♫ I Was Never There - The Weeknd

I finally moved into my house! The actual moving day went smoothly. Weather was decent, people showed to help, we got it done faster than expected, and nothing bad happened. However, since then, its been really rough. We spent a week without appliances (fridge, stove, washer, dryer, & dishwasher), because they couldn't deliver them immediately. We had men coming and going to do final touches on the inside of the house. We found out that we can't get internet, cable, or a landline phone here because its too new. We also didn't have our address officially recognized by Canada Post, so getting mail was difficult. Plus we kept having to buy things we didn't think of. We also have not finished unpacking!

Things have gotten much better though. We have all our appliances now. Everything is done on the inside of the house. We ended up getting Starlink (Elon Musk's satellite internet) since we could get any local internet. Canada Post just recently recognized our address, so we can get our mail. I am still not done unpacking. Its been very difficult between school and work to find the time. I still have to paint my bedroom walls and put up my posters/wall decor too. The last and final things to do will be to buy a desk and chair from Ikea for my room, and shelves for my DVDs/Blu-rays/VHS tapes for the living room. Hopefully that will be done before August. Its so close to be completed!

I ended up coming into some extra money that I didn't anticipate, so I purchased more stuff for my room. I got another Bob Masse poster (The Doors), a gorgeous '60s inspired poster that says "listen to vinyl", a picture of a crying '20s flapper girl (reason is that its one of my favorite art images), a remote/phone wall mount, a picture of Laura Palmer, three psychedelic art postcards, a fall sweater with a pumpkin design, a sunset lamp, two flower shaped coasters, and an orange flower pillow. Just waiting for it all to show up now! I also got a beautiful new plant; a pink African Violet, and I found a vintage kleenex box at the thrift store for $3 that matches my bedroom!

Some more exciting updates; my mom made me curtains! She has been sewing all her life, so I gave her two vintage sheets that I really love (same pattern) and she agreed to make them into curtains!

There are a few small things I still need to buy, like paint & paint supplies, a power bar to plug my electronics into, a frame for a painting, a couple more fitted sheets for my bed, tape for my posters, and a hand towel holder. For myself, I would also like to buy Cyberpunk 2077 for my PS4. Once those things are purchased, I will not be buying anything else. The money I had set aside for house-related things is almost depleted now. I am no no means broke though. I had planned to still keep some money in my savings and use some for my trip next month when I made the budget several months ago. I just don't want to go over my house-specific budget. So far though, I think I can still purchase the rest of what I need without going over the limit. Yay!

I will also be posting lots of videos and pictures once my bedroom is complete. Hopefully in a couple weeks. Maybe a bit longer depending on how long it takes for my posters/postcards/pictures to arrive. I plan on making TikToks to showcase my bedroom and collection. I by no means am interested in becoming a TikTok star, haha. I just want to share my love of retro aesthetics and maybe meet some cool folks who are into the same stuff. Once that starts up, I will post the link to my TikTok profile if anyone wants to follow! With that being said, I'm gonna go finish up some cleaning. I hope everyone is doing well!

all i want is to feel good

♪♫ Trash Magic - Lana Del Rey

I intended to blog sooner, but life has been rough lately. I still have not moved into my new house. I was supposed to move in within the next couple weeks, but there is a delay and now the home won't be ready until mid June. My family and I are currently homeless as we wait, and have resorted to paying for two Airbnbs that we can stay in until June 10th. It was really expensive, but we didn't have much of a choice. I'm just hoping there is no more delays. I'm sick of not having a secure place to live. I hate that most of my belongings are in storage. It sucks to live out of a suitcase.

My mental health is not doing well because of this situation. I haven't been eating well either, so I don't feel good physically too. I'm really suffering and it feels like the ending is so far away. I just want this all to be overwith, so that I can relax in my own room and do things that I enjoy again. I miss writing, I miss playing The Last of Us, I miss watching horror movies, I miss listening to my records, I miss decorating everything just the way I like it...

The thing that makes all of this even more difficult, is that I am also working two days a week and going to school two days a week. Trying to do a good job at work and keep up with school work feels so impossible right now. I keep dreaming of the day that everything is settled and I can relax. Unfortunately there will be no break with school until next May, when I get my degree. Then I'll have that summer off before I start my next degree (although I still have to work).

I think I'm going to do a bunch of traveling next summer. I want to go to Naples, Florida (my uncle lives there & says I can stay with him), Port Hawkesbury, Cape Breton (where my dad's family lives), Saint Stephen, New Brunswick (where my best friend lives), and Old Orchard Beach & Bangor, Maine (which is not far from Saint Stephen, New Brunswick). Each place will be cheap to go to, mostly due to free accomodations. I'm thinking I'll have to save about $3000. I hope I'm able to!

I hope everyone else is doing well!

guess who is a homeowner?!

♪♫ Lost in the Fire - The Weeknd

I intended to blog much sooner than this, but everything in my life kinda just went to hell. I was evicted from where I'm living. Not because of anything I did. I'll explain; I was renting a room from my cousin along with two other relatives. My cousin got into an argument with one of the relatives and decided she wants us all to leave. Its been a lot of drama and stress. Myself and the other two relatives decided to buy a house together. Where I live, the rent is really high (costs the same for an apartment monthly that it does for a house), and its also hard to find both rentals and houses. Due to that fact, we decided that going for a house is better because at least that way we will own it and get our money back at some point. We also each had signifcant money in our savings and good credit on top of that.

So we applied for a mortgage, and we got approved for $395k! This was exciting, because its usually enough to buy a duplex or small house, but... sadly the market got really crazy. We bid on about seven homes and lost each one. The last one we actually were the highest bid, but the person they chose had cash and so they got chosen over us. It was super frustrating. Just three or four months ago, there were still many homes going for around $350k. Our real estate agent says she isn't sure why, but the market just exploded right before we began searching for a house, which is super bad luck. It was so frustrating and discouraging.

But good news! We got a house! We purchased a brand new mini home just outside of the city. Its in the country, but my drive to work is actually only ten minutes longer because I already lived on the outskirt of the city. The home itself isn't actually ready because its still in the factory, but it will be delivered mid May and then it will be hooked up to power/septic/whatever else by the end of May and we can move in! Although we haven't seen the house in person, we did go inside of a show home and it was amazing! They are built much wider now and using the same materials that regular houses are built with. For example, the house has regular drywall instead of the vinyl panels that a lot of mini/mobile homes are usually made with. The kitchen is bigger than all the regular houses we had bid on too!

Our monthly payments including mortgage, utilities, property tax, and internet is the exact same price that most three bedroom apartments are listed for in my city (and thats utilities NOT included)! We are saving money, and since mini homes are built much better now, they should retain their value, meaning we will get our money back when we sell. Maybe even more if the market is hot whenever we sell it! We haven't fully calculated how much each of us is paying because we need to see our bills first, but I estimate that I'll be paying around $650 monthly. As a student, that is pretty affordable compared to what my other options would be. If I went off on my own, I'd have to put my stuff in storage (costing $150 monthly), and rent a room in student housing (which costs $600-$1000).

Until then, however, my life will be stressful. My cousin wants us out of here by the 1st of April, so I'm going to move with my dad at the end of the week. He lives in a bachelor apartment, so its not ideal. But he got an extra mattress for him to sleep on and says I can sleep on his bed. The nice thing is that its close to my work (a five minute walk away), but I won't have privacy or feel really at home for two months. My only comfort is knowing that by the summertime, I'll be in my own home out in the country and I can have iced drinks on my deck as I listen to music with the sun shining down on me. Sounds so perfect!

I also have plans for my bedroom! This will be no surprise, but I'm going to have a '60s/'70s aesthetic. I have a list of items I'm going to buy and I have the savings all ready to make the purchases when the time comes. Here is what I'm getting...

Top row (left to right): platform bed frame, dresser (that I'll use for my TV as well), & desk for school/writing.
Bottom row (left to right): vintage gold metal record stand, yellow computer chair, & the shade of orange I'm painting my walls.
I have more things I want to buy, but will get those items over time. These are what I want to start with. In addition to those purchases, here is some of what I already have to add to the '60s/'70s aesthetic...

Top row (left to right): floral vintage bedding (this is just a portion of my collection), vintage bedsheet that my mom is going to turn into curtains for my room, & a granny square blanket.
Bottom row (left to right): vintage moon staircase shelf, my record player, & vintage mushroom magazine rack.

I have lots more, but these are the main big items for my room. My collecion of vintage kitchenware will be placed inside a china cabinet in the dining room.
I'm so excited to have a bedroom that feels like home. I haven't had that in a long time. Where I'm living now with my cousin, I was just sleeping on a couch in the basement. Most of my stuff has been in storage and I miss it!

In addition to that, my school semester is almost over... which means its a super stressful time. I have a lot of assignments and projects due soon. Plus exams in a few weeks. I don't even get the summer off, because I signed up for summer classes to speed up my degree. However, I have two weeks at the end of August before the fall semester starts, so I'm going to visit New Brunswick during that time. I can't wait! I'm going to see my best friend and get drunk like I did when I was a teenager, haha. It'll be well deserved after these few months of hell.

I hope everyone is doing well!

i'm just a soul who's intentions are good

♪♫ Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood - The Animals

My trip is two days away! I'm so excited to get away from work and the city for five days. I am hoping to go mushroom hunting, get some professional pictures of the night sky, watch horror movies with my dad, and of course eat lots of my grandmother's home cooked food. On the way there we're stopping at two thrift stores in a small town. I've heard from multiple people that they have found amazing stuff at the thrift stores from that town. I hope I get some good stuff!

Speaking of shopping, here are some new items I bought recently...

Merry Muhsroom creamer » Bought for $3 at the thrift store. Had a tiny chip on the inside of the rim, but otherwise looked great! It was covered in dirt, but I washed it and used a magic eraser to make it look good as new!
Plant earrings » Bought for $15 from an old coworker who has her own jewelry business now. They're so cute!
Tote bag made from vintage bedsheets » Bought for $40 on Etsy from a lovely woman in Montreal. Its so gorgeous! I'm planning on using this for when I go thrifting.
Small wicker arm chair » Bought for $4 at the thrift store. I seen a girl on Instagram with the exact same chair and she used it as a plant stand, which I thought was super cute. So that is what I'm using it for too!

The heat here has been unbearable for weeks now. My house has air conditioning, but not in the attic, which is where my bedroom is. My room is a bit messy, but cleaning it is not possible in this heat. I also want to purge my stuff and get rid of a bunch of things, but I also can't do that in this heat. I feel like I can't be productive until late September. Ugh. Summer doesn't agree with me.

How is everyone else doing? I hope well! I'll leave you with a super cute picture of my family's cat...

it doesn't go away

♪♫ Little Dark Age - MGMT

Wow... what a crazy four months its been. A month after my last blog, I went on a sick leave from work. A few days after that, my grandmother (who I am very close to) had a stroke. I had a full breakdown and felt like my world was shattered. She was in the hospital for months and we couldn't visit due to covid. Luckily we were able to call her. She has almost completely recovered, which is amazing. They also took out the clot that caused the stroke very quickly. She is home now and I have been able to spend lots of time with her.

As many people know, I live at my work (I'm a live-in support worker). Even though I can visit my grandmother, its just not the same. I miss living with her and seeing her everyday. I have decided I will be leaving my job, however I can't do it right away... my uncle just moved from Alberta and will be staying in the spare room for probably about 6 months. I have to wait for him to move out. I also need to get a part time job. Luckily my work has 3 weekend positions that would be perfect for a student and would give me the amount of money I need to live in! It would either be 2 overnights per weekend (either Friday/Saturday or Sunday/Monday) or 2 day shifts per weekend (Saturday/Sunday). One shift is 8 hours and the other is 12, equaling 40 hours per pay. I already held a part time weekend position at another place in my organization and my boss loved me. I think my chances are good. Wish me luck! I definitely want to be out of this live-in job before next summer.

Speaking of work, I quit my job at the shelter. It was too much stress and my mental health was deteriorating. I'm also starting school in September, so I wouldn't have been able to work there much anyways. However, I will be picking up shifts at the group home, which is where all the part time positions are available. Its a much less stressful environment and it'll allow me to show off my skills for when a position opens up.

I just got back from my sick leave a couple weeks ago and work has been good so far. My break was so helpful for my mental health. I developed a new hobby during my time away from work; thrifting. Specifically for vintage items, especially ones with mushrooms! I can't wait for the day I have my own house and can display all my beautiful items. My home will definitely have a retro/'70s vibe. I can't wait! Here are my favorite finds (from thrift stores, antique stores, the Facebook marketplace and eBay)...

To go along with my vintage theme, I have also purchased a record player! My grandmother gave me her Elvis records, I bought The Doors' self-titled album, and I found some records at the thrift store as well. I can't wait to collect lots more! Next on my list; all the Led Zeppelin albums, Fleetwood Mac's Rumours album, and Lana Del Rey's earlier albums.

I got to visit New Brunswick for almost 2 weeks in July. I drove there all by myself, which I'm super proud of! I stayed with my best friend Kara and we had so much fun. We made fishbowl cocktails, went to a trampoline park, went shopping, went into the city for a night and had drinks, went swimming, watched movies, went mushroom hunting and more! I can't wait to visit her again in hopefully 6 months or so. Speaking of trips, I will be visiting Cape Breton at the end of the month for 4 nights. I'm going to visit family there and I'm driving myself and my dad. I've already told him that we're stopping at thrift stores on the way there and the way back. Can't wait! I hope I score some awesome stuff. I also have a public Instagram now specifically for posting about my thrifting/vintage purchases and my home decor set ups. Follow here!

That is pretty much all for now. I hope everyone is doing well and staying safe during this pandemic!

i'll be on the way

♪♫ Montero (Call Me By Your Name) - Lil Nas X

Its been over a month since I last blogged. I've been struggling with winter depression, so I haven't felt up to writing anything. I moved back into my house (aka my workplace). Sadly, my client/youth was removed from the program for inappropriate behavior towards me. It was honestly scary and I think it contributed to the depression I was already experiencing. Since then I've been alone in the house, just waiting for more clients/youth to be moved in. I've been cleaning everything super well to prepare, but also doing a lot for myself...

I bought myself a makeup vanity, which is super cute! I really needed a place for all my makeup/hair products, so its been really useful. The sink in my room was removed and the guy who did it also made me an extra shelf for my plants! He was so nice! He also added in a storage bench in front of my window. I went to the dollar store and bought a blanket and some cushions to make it look fancier, haha. I also bought two more plants; a succulent named Gus and a venus flytrap named Scully! Oh and I no longer have blue in my hair. I've dyed it pink instead!

Speaking of plants, I also got a cute rearview mirror decoration for my car; a fake succulent in a little terracotta pot in a macrame hanger. Its so cute! I'm trying to obtain all the plant decorations to give off the vibes that I'm actually a fairy that lives inside a mushroom house in a field of wildflowers, haha. Speaking of that... as you can see, I also updated my blog theme! I'm currently obsessed with mushrooms, so I thought it would be the perfect blog theme!

This past weekend, we held a cute little tea party at work! It was my idea and my coworker got excited about the idea, so we made it happen! We even wore cute little flowery outfits for the ocassion. She had tons of vintage tea cups/tea pots that she brought from home and together we put the food together (sandwiches & sweets). It was so cute! She brought this peach flavored tea, which was amazing. I went out and bought a box of it afterwards!

This summer I have plans to make a terrarium. If the first one goes well, I'm making tons more! This will also require me to spend lots of time in the forest, which I love. I'm so excited! I'm hoping to make a spooky themed one and a fairy garden themed one. It all depends on how things go. I hope it turns out! Here are some inspirational photos of terrariums that I found online...

That is all for now! I am hoping to keep up more with blogging... we will see how that goes, haha!

take out your turquoise and all of your jewels

♪♫ Chemtrails Over The Country Club - Lana Del Rey

I've had a very hard month. I've been battling issues with a coworker. Someone who I thought was a friend, but turned out to be very toxic. I made the decision to quit my part-time position partly because of her. She always works the same 3 shifts every week, which I overlap with in my position. I've told my boss today and I plan to just do casual relief (picking up random shifts), because I can completely avoid taking a shift with her. I tried confronting her/working with her, but she wasn't cooperating. My boss offered to step in, but I honestly didn't think it would help any. I just need to get away from her. Luckily my boss has been supportive (she has also had run ins with this coworker).

Another reason for quitting my position is that overnight shifts are really hard on my body. I just don't want to do them anymore. Also... I'm going to university! I want to become a therapist and I finally figured out how to achieve that goal. Its going to take 6 years, but luckily I'm in a good position to be able to do it. I'm a live-in support worker, so I have free rent and I get paid to live at my work (not the one I mentioned earlier). Its a laid back job and it gives me enough money to live on. Its perfect for a student! I haven't heard back about my application yet, but the university isn't hard to get into and my GPA is good (3.6). Hopefully all goes according to plan! Where I live, I had the entire attic to myself (its not dark/creepy). Its two bedrooms, one of which I typically use for storage. However, I plan on converting that one into my school area. The program I'm doing is going to be done online (not just because of the pandemic - it has always had an online option). I'm going to buy a desk, a chair, desk organization accessories, an HD webcam, a little shelf for my textbooks/snacks/school supplies, and a little lamp. I'm so excited!

Although things are awful right now with my coworker, I have been trying to stay positive. I started using CBD oil (THC free) for my anxiety and I've started writing poetry again! I bought a beautiful velvet notebook and I've put a bunch of my old poems in it, plus 5 new ones that I've written recently. Its been quite therapeutic! Once things settle down at work with the coworker issue, I plan on implementing a healthier diet/exercise to get into a good routine. It will help when I'm not doing overnight shifts anymore. So excited! I feel really focused on bettering myself and surrounding myself with positivity.

I hope to blog more in the upcoming days. My position at work isn't coming to an end until February 15th, so I don't anticipate it will be until after then. I need to get away from the overnights/toxic coworker and return to a better state of mental and physical health. Wish me luck! I hope everyone is doing well!

talk to me in poems and songs

♪♫ Let Me Love You Like a Woman - Lana Del Rey

Damn... its been a month and a half since I last wrote a blog! Its been a busy time lately, plus I have been overly stressed from work. I'm going on a stress leave from one of my jobs, which will be very helpful. Its for three months and it starts in a little over a week from now. Anyways, a lot has happened and since I don't feel like writing a super long blog, I'm just going to list it in bullet point form in no particular order...

• I went to visit my family for Thanksgiving. Where I live, we had no covid cases at all during the time of Thanksgiving. We have about 20 cases now though. Anyways, my aunt made a killer pumpkin spice cheesecake, I got to binge watch The Haunting of Bly Manor, and I went for a walk in the woods where I found a ton of cool mushrooms!


• I got two new tattoos; a jack-o-lantern with bats on my leg and purple/pink flowers on my forearm!

• I didn't get to do anything fun for Halloween, sadly. I was supposed to go to a party and I had a cute '20s flapper girl costume, but then I got sick with cold symptoms. I had to get tested for covid, which came back negative, but I still had to isolate for a week until I wasn't sick anymore. I did get to hangout with some friends and watch a few horror movies with treats before Halloween. On the actual day of Halloween, I relaxed in bed with a bowl of candy and had a Halloween (Michael Myers) marathon.

• I got three new houseplants; two succulents and a fern. In order from left to right their names are; Alice, Freida, and Dinah.

• I bought a cute pumpkin mask and got lots of compliments on it. I'm still wearing it, even though Halloween has ended, haha!

• I have been going to thrift stores/antique stores and keeping my eyes out for items to collect for my future house. I found a super cute vintage '70s magazine rack with mushrooms painted on it for $25, so I bought it! I haven't found anything else yet, but I'm hoping to find some vintage dishes.

• I bought Lana Del Rey's new poetry book; Violet Bent Backwards Over The Grass. I've read a few poems so far and I have been enjoying it. Its inspiring me to write poetry again. Its been a while since I wrote anything.

• We had a freak strorm here that left behind a lot of snow, but it was so warmm the next day/it rained, so it went away fairly quickly. I mean, I do live in Canada so we definitely do have a lot of snow in the winter, but not in October!

Aside from all of that, I've been working on my list of Christmas gifts to buy, I applied for a full time job very recently, I've been thinking more about the future house I want to buy/planning it all out, and I have been spending time with my family's cat. I am hoping to blog more frequently, but who knows how busy I'll be! I hope everyone is well! I am going to try and return comments! Also; I updated the "author" section finally!

you'll never have to wonder

♪♫ Whenever, Wherever - Shakira

I was hoping to write a blog much earlier, but life got really hectic. I have to plan everything ahead of time because every single day, I have almost no free time at all. I'm only able to write this blog because I woke up two hours early (I worked an overnight shift last night). I have been super stressed from work and I feel really dragged down. I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it. Part of me wants to quit my live-in job, but the money is really good and its allowing me to save to buy a house. I check the house listing a few times a week, but so far nothing has completely caught my eye. I'm hoping to find a mini home that isn't in a mobile home park, but on a private land. That way its cheap, small, and I'll have privacy.

I was able to go on a vacation recently, which was great! I went for a week to visit my best friend in another province. We spent the week partying, eating amazing food, listening to good music, having good chats, and going for adventures in the forest. I wish it had lasted much longer!


I've made some awesome purchases lately; fall decorations, a mushroom mug, and Lush products...


One of my cacti died a couple weeks ago. I noticed it looked sunken in, so I tried removing it gently from the pot, but then it turned to mush and completely fell apart. I was very upset. To cheer myself up, I bought two new plants; Tony and Salma. They're so pretty! I wish I could buy more, but I'm temporarily moving for a couple months. My house is being renovated (which is also my workplace), so my work is paying for us to stay in an Airbnb until December. I'm excited for renovations, but not thrilled that I have to move temporarily. Hopefully it goes smoothly...

I got another tattoo! Its a blue rose which is a symbol for mystery. Mystery is something that has been a big theme in my life. I'm so thrilled with how it turned out! I also got my "destiny" tattoo touched up. It looks better than it did before, but still not amazing. Oh well, I've learned to love it.

Lastly, I took a new selfie recently and I love how I look! I've been feeling really beautiful lately.

I hope everyone is doing well!