every river that I tried to cross

♪♫ Lost! - Coldplay

I finally have gotten around to writing another blog... and it wasn't several months later! Yay!

Well, I did it... I splurged for the LOST Temple set on DVD! I bid on an auction on eBay and didn't win, which made me really sad. I've been trying to get it for so long. I ended up sending a lowball offer to one of the listing I was watching and surprisingly it worked and I got it! It just arrived a couple weeks ago, and I tested all the discs to make sure they worked (they do). The set is in great condition. The novelty items weren't even opened! It looks like the person who owned it must have only watched it a bit and didn't bother with any of the bonuses. Some of the discs did have some superficial scratches (which is why I tested them), but 3/4 were completely scratch-less. I am so excited!

Speaking of LOST items... I also recieved the three LOST novels that I ordered, which were all in perfect condition. Yay! Also... I ordered the LOST: Messages from the Island book, which is a compilation of the best parts of LOST: The Official Magazine, which ended in 2010. It arrived last week, and its also in great condition. I'm having some good luck finding items for decent prices lately!

Truthfully, I have been a bit depressed lately. I have been struggling with my weight and health. I love sugary foods, and cutting them out of my diet has been hard. Overall, I am down 40lbs from my highest weight, but I have 65lbs to go, and it has been a major struggle. Now that I'm in my 30s, I have noticed that weight loss is much more difficult. I heard before that weight loss becomes more challenging with age, but I guess I thought I had more time before that would impact me. Before anyone says it: yes, I have been tracking calories. I use minimal oils/fats when cooking, and I don't drink my calories! I am hoping to be down to at least 185lbs by October, because I have some clothes that are 1-2 sizes too small that I would love to wear on my Europe trip.

Aside from weight loss struggles, I am also having digestive issues. They are slowly improving, but it has become clear due to multiple rounds of eliminating foods for a couple weeks at a time, that I am lactose intolerant. I initially thought it could be gluten, so I cut that out of my diet completely and strictly for two weeks, but felt no different at all. When I removed dairy? My digestive system worked amazingly for two weeks. I find it hard to give up dairy though... I love cheese! I will say that hard cheeses, like cheddar, don't upset my stomach too much in smaller doses (I guess hard cheese is naturally much lower in lactose), but I also love Greek yogurt, sour cream, the occassional ice cream... thankfully I switched to lactose-free Greek yogurt with no issue, but I haven't found any lactose-free sour cream or ice cream that tastes good. However, I purchased Lactaid pills last week, and so far they've been helping for when I eat dairy with lactose!

Another digestive issue I am facing is the massive increase in fiber that is now in my diet. My body wasn't used to eating so much produce, so its been causing discomfort. I am hoping that issue goes away soon! Thankfully I love veggies, and I used to be vegan and vegetarian, so I know how to make delicious meals with veggies. My issue, truly, is that I just love food in general... Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that at least my enjoyment of the meals is keeping me powering through the discomfort. If I hated veggies and was feeling discomfort, this would be so much more difficult.

When it comes to meals I have been making and eating, here are the main ones:
» Fruit smoothie for breakfast with oat milk, high protein Greek yogurt, honey, and a small amount of protein powder. I alternative between the banana/strawberries/blueberry combo and the banana/strawberries/peaches/mango combo.
» Overnight oats made with oat milk, chia seeds, ground flax seed, cocoa powder, dark chocolate chips, cinnamon, honey, and topped with almonds and banana slices.
» Ground turkey taco salad with a big pile of mixed baby greens, tomato, guacamole, salsa, black beans, sour cream, shredded cheese, some organic tortilla chips, and taco seasoning for the meat.
» Homemade ground turkey chili with green pepper, onion, garlic, shredded carrot, kidney beans, diced tomato, tomato sauce, and seasonings.
» African chicken peanut stew with basmati rice, made using sugar-free peanut butter, tomato sauce, red bell pepper, onion, and seasonings. The chicken is skin-on/bone-in chicken thighs, but I never like eating chicken skin, so I save calories by not eating that part.
» Beef stew made with double the carrots called for in the recipe, baby potatoes, onions, garlic, and seasonings.
» Hummus plate, made with roasted red pepper hummus, carrot sticks, sliced bell pepper, cucumber slices, a bit of low fat feta cheese, and sliced up pita bread. The veggies are 2/3 of the meal.
» Ground turkey stuffed bell peppers, with rice, some shredded cheese, and seasonings.
» Low fat chicken/sausage gumbo. I use 1/2 the sausage the recipe calls for and extra chicken to make up for it. I also use 1/2 the oil the recipe calls for, and reduce the amount of floor used. My roux is smaller than what is typically used for the batch size, but I can't justify consuming that much oil/flour! The meal has green bell pepper, celery, onion, okra, garlic, seasonings, and I eat it with basmati rice mixed in.

I know these meals aren't 100% healthy, but it is a significant improvement. I figure that over time I will continue to alter these meals and discover new ones that are even healthier. I definitely need some new recipe ideas right now, because I'm getting a bit sick of the same meals all the time. I used to really enjoy cauliflower "wings" when I was vegan, so I think I'm going to make those soon with some veggies and ranch on the side for lunches. I also would like to try to make Thai red curry with veggies and tofu again. Every time I tried to make it before, it just didn't turn out for some reason. I want to get it right! The restaurant Thai red curry is so good... I don't know how they do it!

Although I am eating much healthier meals, I do still enjoy occassional treats. It isn't realistic to completely cut out junk food. I am aiming for 90% healthy, and 10% junk food. I have a bag of mini chocolate bars (60 calories a piece), and I have a couple of them every other day to keep sugar cravings at bay... and to keep my sanity haha. I also had a big slice of pizza last week for supper, and another night I had a McCrispy burger at McDonald's. I do count the calories of my treats too! That is why I only had the burger with zero calorie pop, and no fries on thes side... the burger is sadly 520 calories by itself! Eventually I'd like to limit my treats to only two sugary ones per week, and one junk food meal per week, but I am taking it slow.

Wow... what a rant, haha. I had so many thoughts to get out about my weight loss and health journey. I hope things improve in the next month or so. I feel like constant digestive issues for months and miminal weight loss will be too discouraging for me...

Another issue that I am experiencing is treating myself for low iron and low magnesium. The iron supplements have been fine. I purposefully purchased ones that are easy on the stomach due to past issues with iron supplements making me sick. I thought I had done the same for the magnesium supplements... but they have made me very sick. I have purchased a smaller dose and a less harsh type of magnesium, which I will start next week... for now I am taking a break from them so that I can feel better. What a rough time...

That is all I have for now! I will leave you with these whimsical circus press-on nails that I made for myself yesterday! Not sure when I am going to wear them... maybe for my birthday?

the sun is eclipsed by the moon

♪♫ Eclipse - Pink Floyd

Another long period as passed and I forgot to blog! Life is so busy with school, work, helping my grandmother, and trying to have a social life, haha. Aside from those things, the only excitement I've had has been finding more vintage items for my collection. Here are my favorites from the past six months...

Top row:
1.: A unicorn trinket dish, circa 1980s. I had one like this when I was a kid (except it had two unicorns instead of one). I always regretted giving it away, so I was thrilled to find this for only $2!
2.: Another Libbey Celestial wine glass, circa 1990s. I have two other wine glasses already, plus two tumbler glasses. I just need some of the mugs! This was $2.
3.: A Merry Mushroom pot, circa late 1970s/early 1980s! I have lots of Merry Mushroom items, but this is my first pot. I bought it at a Vintage show for around $25 (I can't remember the exact price).
Middle row:
1. A red vintage portable TV/Radio, circa late 1970s/early 1980s. I bought this at an antique store very recently for $100. I talked the man down from $125. There is one on Etsy currently for $300. I don't think its worth $300, but definitely $100-$150.
2. Cute sunflower valances, circa...? These were $6 for the set at the thrift store. They are currently on my hallway window, but will be used for my future kitchen window when I get my own place!
3. Groovy earrings, circa 1960s. I got these for free! I asked a man at an antique store how much they were while I was purchasing another item, and he threw them in for free! I don't think they're really worth anything, but I love the style.
Bottom row:
1. A handmade mushroom potholder, circa 1970s or 1980s. I found this at a thrift store for $2.
2. Three André Morin space age kitchen canisters, circa 1970s. I got these from the Facebook Marketplace for $55. I already have an André Morin sugar dish, creamer, and butter dish, so my collection is growing!
3. Another Pyrex Forest Fancies bowl, circa 1980s! I found it at an antique store for $10. I'm up to 13 pieces of the collection now!

I have found lots of other vintage items in the past six months, but these are my favorites!
In a month, I'm going on a trip. I'm driving to visit my best friend (like I do every year), then me and her are driving to Salem and Boston, MA in the USA (she lives right next to the border so the drive is like 5-6 hours). We are also stopping in Maine, New Hampshire, and taking a quick trip to Rhode Island for a day. The main focus of the trip is Salem, because we love spooky things. I am so excited! I will definitely post pictures on here!

In addition to that trip, I am also planning a big Europe trip for October 2025. I am going to Dublin, Ireland, Edinburgh, Scotland, London, England, Paris, France, and Tromsø, Norway. I'm spending about four days in each place (except Norway where I'm only spending three days). I'm planning it out so that I don't spend too much money. I'm going with a lot of cheap accomodations like hostels/Airbnb rooms... except for Paris. I have booked an Airbnb room that is just under $300 total per night, because it has a terrace with a beautiful view of the Eiffel tower, which is what I really want. I hunted for so long to find the place, because almost all places with views of the Eiffel tower are at least $600 per night! This place is cheaper because its a room in someone's home (they've been on Airbnb for several years with amazing reviews).

I have a ton of plans for my trip. I have to fit a lot into only a few days, because I also have to account for traveling between places, which kind of reduces it to three full days in each place. Most of my plans include art museums, seeing famous landmarks/attractions, and eating, haha. I am on a small budget, so I am likely not doing a lot of shopping. I plan to buy a postcard in each place to add to my travel postcard collection. Aside from that, I will buy probably a handful of small items (especially bookmarks because I love them). I am traveling with only a backpack, so I will have limited room. My favorite keepsakes are postcards, ticket stubs/reciepts, and photos. As long as I get those items, I'll be happy.

My weight loss journey has been challenging. I did lose a lot more weight. When I began a year and a half ago, I was 253lbs. I am now 211lbs. Definitely notice a difference, but its going slow. My mother ended up in the hospital a few months ago and I spent a lot of time there with her, and helping her with different things. That took a toll on me, which lead to overeating again. Battling binge eating disorder is really difficult. Its not like you can quit food!

That is all for now. Hopefully I'll remember to blog again next month!

lookin' like a true survivor

♪♫ I'm Still Standing - Elton John

Wow... its been months since I last blogged. I meant to blog much sooner, but I think I needed the break. I had a rough few months, but things are better now. I was struggling to adjust to so much change, plus getting my stress level down was hard even though things had settled. Speaking of stress... I got an ulcer. I'm taking medication right now for it, plus I'm on a special diet, so hopefully that heals it up. My doctor thinks in a few months it'll be fine and I can eat normally again. One of the things I can't have is tomatoes (because they are so acidic) and I miss them so much... mostly in chili and on pasta, haha.

I decided to only take three classes this semester (which all have small workloads) and its been a nice break. I've also been taking a bit less shifts at work to give myself more personal time. Although I haven't really gotten around to getting back into writing my book, the free time has been great for my mental health. I'm slowly getting back to where I want to be. I have also used a lot of my free time for thrifting. These past few months have been the best so far in terms of thrift finds. Everything was between $1-$13. Amazing deals!

I also purchased some non-thrifted items; a pumpkin-head figure version of Dwight Shrute and a mini ceramic Christmas tree (vintage inspired).

I wish I had more to say, but that is basically it for now. I'll try and blog again in December!

take out your turquoise and all of your jewels

♪♫ Chemtrails Over The Country Club - Lana Del Rey

I've had a very hard month. I've been battling issues with a coworker. Someone who I thought was a friend, but turned out to be very toxic. I made the decision to quit my part-time position partly because of her. She always works the same 3 shifts every week, which I overlap with in my position. I've told my boss today and I plan to just do casual relief (picking up random shifts), because I can completely avoid taking a shift with her. I tried confronting her/working with her, but she wasn't cooperating. My boss offered to step in, but I honestly didn't think it would help any. I just need to get away from her. Luckily my boss has been supportive (she has also had run ins with this coworker).

Another reason for quitting my position is that overnight shifts are really hard on my body. I just don't want to do them anymore. Also... I'm going to university! I want to become a therapist and I finally figured out how to achieve that goal. Its going to take 6 years, but luckily I'm in a good position to be able to do it. I'm a live-in support worker, so I have free rent and I get paid to live at my work (not the one I mentioned earlier). Its a laid back job and it gives me enough money to live on. Its perfect for a student! I haven't heard back about my application yet, but the university isn't hard to get into and my GPA is good (3.6). Hopefully all goes according to plan! Where I live, I had the entire attic to myself (its not dark/creepy). Its two bedrooms, one of which I typically use for storage. However, I plan on converting that one into my school area. The program I'm doing is going to be done online (not just because of the pandemic - it has always had an online option). I'm going to buy a desk, a chair, desk organization accessories, an HD webcam, a little shelf for my textbooks/snacks/school supplies, and a little lamp. I'm so excited!

Although things are awful right now with my coworker, I have been trying to stay positive. I started using CBD oil (THC free) for my anxiety and I've started writing poetry again! I bought a beautiful velvet notebook and I've put a bunch of my old poems in it, plus 5 new ones that I've written recently. Its been quite therapeutic! Once things settle down at work with the coworker issue, I plan on implementing a healthier diet/exercise to get into a good routine. It will help when I'm not doing overnight shifts anymore. So excited! I feel really focused on bettering myself and surrounding myself with positivity.

I hope to blog more in the upcoming days. My position at work isn't coming to an end until February 15th, so I don't anticipate it will be until after then. I need to get away from the overnights/toxic coworker and return to a better state of mental and physical health. Wish me luck! I hope everyone is doing well!

that's the real me, babe

♪♫ The Hills - The Weeknd

Its been almost a month since my last blog! So sorry it took me this long to write another one. Basically what happened is; I got the other job! So I had to pack up my stuff and move very quickly (the new job is a live-in support worker for 3 male youth). Doing that took up a lot of my free time. It was exhausting! However, it all worked out well. Even though there were some bumps... like my queen size bed not fitting in the attic, so I had to trade it with a family friend for a double bed. Luckily the double bed is super comfy! Its been a week now though and I feel mostly settled and comfortable.

During this time, I also had a mole removed from my back. I was in a lot of pain for the first 3 days afterwards, so that slowed me down a lot too. It was a bit stressful, so I ended up taking a day off work to relax and feel better. It definitely helped. I also had some meetings and a driving lesson during that time. I'm so glad that I got everything done in time! I even had my house warming present show up in the mail an hour before I began moving out! Its a portable radio/bluetooth speaker. I love it! After moving in, I did a bunch of shopping for stuff that I needed. Both food and random items.


As far as movies go, I've seen two new movies in the theater in the past month; Joker and The Lighthouse. I loved both! I'm definitely going to buy them when they come out on DVD/Blu-ray! I also bought 3 movies recently on DVD; Alice Through the Looking Glass, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales and Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. I've already seen the first 2, but I watched Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark for the first time recently. I enjoyed it, but it wasn't exactly what I imagined it would be. However, I'm used to disturbing horror movies, so it takes a lot to scare me.


Right now I'm very sick with a nasty cold. This is my 2nd day calling in sick to work. Luckily my work is flexible about calling in sick. I'm basically staying in bed all day with orange juice, cough drops, kleenex, comfy blankets and Netflix. That is all for now!

happy halloween!

♪♫ Season of the Witch - Lana Del Rey

Happy Halloween! My Halloween was pretty good! I worked from 9:00 am - 1:00 pm and it was an easy shift. Barely any youth showed up, so I mostly hung out with staff and ate Halloween candy. I also got my picture taken to enter my work's Halloween costume contest! I'll post the picture below... if you can't tell, I'm the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland! I doubt I'll get first place, but second or third would be nice, haha!


After work, I went to get my flu shot, went an appointment at the bank, bought some wrapping paper + tins for cookies, and bought a new bus pass. After that I met up with my dad at a local restaurant. We both got vegetarian chili with cornbread and chatted for a bit. It was really nice! On my way home afterwards, I stopped by the post office to mail some Etsy orders. It felt so good to be productive and get lots of stuff done!


When I got home, I passed out candy to trick or treaters for about an hour, then I passed the responsibility to someone else and went into my room for the most exciting part of my day aka my yearly Halloween tradition; watching Halloween and eating lots of candy! I put on my comfy pajamas, turned all my Halloween lights on, and began indulging... which is what I'm still doing, haha! I just took a break to write this blog.


Oh and I also received my new sleep mask in the mail! I can't wait to use it between night shifts. I think it will definitely help me with sleeping better! Anyways, I hope everyone that celebrates Halloween had a good one and ate lots of yummy candy!

imma’ hit the jackpot right

♪♫ Jackpot - Jocelyn Alice

Its been an awful week. Ugh. I felt overworked from my work placement. I hardly had any time off! Plus when I did have time off, I needed to use that time to work on school assignments. I know that when I'm actually working after graduation, I won't have as many shifts. I just have to work a lot because I need 320 hours before the end of the semester and that is hard to do! Also, I got strep throat, which I am still fighting currently. Luckily I got a doctor's note so that I got 5 days off to rest! I also got antibiotics, which hopefully will work fast! Thankfully, my teacher extended my work placement an extra week so that I can make up my missed hours. I really hope I feel better physically and mentally by Tuesday when I return to my work placement! I already feel a lot better, so that's a good sign!

On a more positive note, I got to go see the new Pet Sematary movie this week. It was part of my work placement actually. We took a group of youth to see it (they chose the movie). It was alright in my opinion, but not great. I like the original better. I'm still glad I seen it though. It was on my list of films that I want to see! Speaking of watching things, I also finished watching all the episodes of Lucifer. Its such a good show! I ended up reading Lucifer fan fiction afterwards. That is how much I adored it. I needed more! Luckily season 4 is coming out on May 8th! I got it marked in my calendar. I can't wait! I also have plans to see Avengers: End Game next week with my boyfriend. Fingers crossed that I don't encounter any spoilers before then!

I recently ordered some things online; two collections of Stephen King films on DVD and a David Lynch vinyl figure (as Gordon Cole from Twin Peaks). I couldn't resist! Especially the David Lynch vinyl figure. Its so perfect for me! I also need to go shopping for a graduation dress soon. So far, I haven't seen anything I like. I'm not a fancy/girly kind of person, so I think it will be hard for me to find a dress that I like. Wish me luck!


I have nothing else to say. Right now I'm gonna make a grilled cheese sandwich with caesar salad on the side for lunch and watch something on TV (not sure what yet). I am also going to look for new songs to listen to. Last night I added 36 new songs to my phone (ones that I've heard recently that I really like). If anyone has any music suggestions; let me know! I like rock and metal the most, but I also like some pop, rap, and indie as well. I hope everyone is doing well!

as i fall down to my knees

♪♫ Head Above Water - Avril Lavigne

Its finally October! Yay! This is my favorite month and so far, its been pretty good. However, I'm currently in a bit of pain. I had a procedure done on my foot and its hard to walk on it right now. Its quite sore, so I'm mostly resting. However, that has given me lots of time to do fun stuff, like re-watching all the episodes of Hannibal and I've started reading The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson for the first time. Its pretty creepy so far! I've also, of course, been drinking loads of tea and hot chocolate to comfort myself. I swear, hot beverages are the best when you're not feeling well!


This past Friday was the first day I got to go out in a long time. I went to the mall, where I bought myself a cute bat plate at Winners for $6 (I've wanted one for a long time & I finally found one!). I had a beyond meat burger, onion rings and root beer from A&W for lunch. It was delicious, as always. Also, I looked around the book store and got pumpkin bread from Starbucks. Once I got home, I sent out some resumes (I'm job searching once again), did laundry and cleaned my bedroom. It was a good day!


This weekend was Thanksgiving here in Canada. I stayed at my boyfriend's from Saturday at noon until Monday at noon. On Saturday night, we hung out with his friends. We munched on pizza and garlic fingers, and played a really fun card game for a couple hours. Then on Sunday, we went out for lunch at a restaurant we both really like, then we went for a nice fall drive. The scenery was so beautiful! In between everything, we played some video games and watched some movies. I wanted to re-watch the new IT, but I was unable to find it online (I forgot to bring my DVD copy), so we watched a random Netflix movie instead.


After that, we went to his mum's for Thanksgiving dinner. I brought my own vegetarian turkey alternative and vegetarian gravy (thanks Gardein!). For dessert, we had butterscotch pie. The food was all amazing! It was nice to spend more time with his family. On Monday, he came to my house for my family's Thanksgiving dinner. I once again had my vegetarian alternatives. For dessert, we had apple pie with vanilla ice cream and pumpkin pie with whipped cream. We all could barely move afterwards, haha. That is how you know it was a successful Thanksgiving!

Also here is a cute recent selfie that I took. I'm wearing my bat ring, which I forgot I had! I used to wear it all the time.


That is all for now. I'm going to relax for the rest of the day. I got Halloween movies and leftover pie to keep my spirits up. Hopefully my foot recovers soon!

dreamin' of hogwarts...

♪♫ Harry & Hermione - Nicholas Hooper

Hello there! I am back again! And it hasn't been too long either! I'm so used to saying I'll blog soon, then not doing it for a month, so I'm proud of myself! Anyways, this week has been really tiring. Work has kept me busy and made me really sore as well. I'm still getting used to being on my feet, lifting and carrying things for hours. Ugh. Its a work in progress. Yesterday was a particularly bad day. I think holidays just bring out the worst in people. We had a lot of rude customers which is rare for us. The wait list was also super long and people were upset. Oh well. Nothing I could do but be polite (and scream internally).

Aside from work, I also spent my weekend with my boyfriend. He spent a night at my place and then I spent a night at his place. It was so amazing to see him again after not seeing him for so long. However, I struggled a bit on Saturday with feeling emotional due to the long distance. I'm fine with it 95% of the time, but every so often I get upset and frustrated with it. He was understanding and we talked, then cuddled and I felt better. I know its just a temporary long distance, but sometimes we don't see each other for a couple weeks or more and its tough. I know we will get through it though. We always do. ♥

On a happier note, I have finished reading a book for the first time in a really long time! I used to be addicted to reading. I would a few books a week, sometimes more. Then I struggled with mental health issues and school consumed my time, so I became disconnected from it. Now I'm back into it! The book I read was We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson. Now I'm 25% through Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Its bringing back so many memories of my early Harry Potter fan girl days! Especially when I was 11 years old and went to a release party for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I'll post the picture below...


I've got some new things recently. First, I ordered a bunch of makeup of E.L.F.'s website. It came to $55 all together with shipping included. I got like 12+ items and 4 of them were free gifts! Such a great deal! Also, E.L.F. is cruelty free and vegan! I highly recommend their makeup! Another thing I bought, was a long knitted cardigan. Or as my boyfriend calls them, "granny sweaters". I just love how cozy they are! Finally, my grandmother surprised me with a witchy tea cup that she bought for me. It has bats around the inner rim and says "you've been poisoned" on the bottom. Its so me!


Thats it for now. I'm going to spend the rest of my day relaxing. I'm so tired from work last night... ugh. I deserve a day of laziness...

make me do it again, yeah

♪♫ More Human Than Human - Rob Zombie

A warning before reading this post: I'm discussing a lady parts problem, so if that grosses you out, you can avoid the rest of this post. Alright, so lets begin... I'm experiencing light vaginal bleeding. So light that I don't even need a pad or tampon. Its been going on for week, but seems to come and go. My period is not supposed to start until this weekend. It is consistently the same time every month. I rarely experience random bleeding, and when I do, its only for like a couple hours or something. So, basically I am very concerned right now. I have mild cramps along with the bleeding, but nothing compared to the cramps I experience on my period. Its so... weird.

I am going to a clinic tonight, but they likely will send me to get a pap test or a pregnancy test. Maybe even both, I don't know. I just hope its nothing bad. I don't want to deal with pregnancy or a cyst or some major infection. I keep worrying about it... this morning I cried hysterically by myself because I keep thinking about it. It just seems so unusual. Ugh. I hate not knowing whats going on. I want to know!

On a happier note, I am going to stay at my boyfriend's starting tomorrow until Sunday morning! I can't wait! We are going to go see Deadpool 2 with some friends tomorrow night, which I have been looking forward to for a long time! Wooo! Hopefully that will get my mind off of the bleeding. I need to have some fun and try to relax. I should actually do something right now... maybe listen to music and do some reading...

caught up in my dreams and forgetting

♪♫ White Mustang - Lana Del Rey

I'm finally writing another blog! Yay! So... the past week has been somewhat eventful. First of all, I have spent a lot of time with my boyfriend. Things just seem to get better and better every time we are together. Things have... uh... already gotten quite intimate. I won't go into much detail, but its the best I have ever had. It was mind blowing. Sadly he is currently sick with a cold. I went to his place last night and made him dinner while he relaxed. Poor thing... I hope he feels better soon! Also... I won't be able to see him for five days due to his work schedule and the fact that I'm going away for a few days. Ugh. It sucks. At least we can talk via text though. ♥

I have also been sick lately. I have had breathing problems for a couple weeks now (they began not long after I quit smoking) and they got really bad in the past few days. My boyfriend forced me to go to the hospital and the doctor there prescribed a puffer for me to help my lungs open up. After that, my boyfriend insisted that I stay the night at his place so that he could keep an eye on me and I agreed. I also stayed with him for the whole next day. He was very concerned. It was so sweet! ♥

I'm doing well with school work, so I'm not too worried about being behind on it. I actually got ahead a bit at the beginning of the week, so that has allowed me to spend two days not doing any school work and just resting to feel better. I'm hoping I will feel up to going to school tomorrow. In the evening, my class is going to a pub in the city to meet a famous child and youth care worker and two other lesser known ones. I recently read a book by the famous one and I'm going to get him to sign it! Also, since its in the city, I'm just gonna go home for the weekend. I can't wait to see my family, my cat, and my bedroom!

I'm not going to school today, so I'm just going to relax in bed. I'm hoping to get some school work done. It may be a bit difficult due to not having my textbooks at home, but I'm sure I can get some stuff completed. Anyways, that's all for now!

lots of stress & lots of shopping

♪♫ No Time For Caution - Hans Zimmer

I've got a lot to talk about. I'll start with Thursday... which was a super stressful day. I made quite a few phone calls in the morning to make appointments and whatnot. One of them was for my first GED test! I'm taking the reading test tomorrow afternoon! I can't wait to get the first test out of the way! Anyways, I also had to make a phone call to book a swim for my Brownie unit... but the place I called has been sending me in circles for the past week. It was so frustrating! So I gave up, and I told one of my fellow leaders that I'd rather have another task... so she said that I can do the paperwork instead. But I feel dumb about it, because they asked me to do more (now that I'm understanding how everything works), and I couldn't complete the first big task they gave me. Ugh...

Then I showed up for the Brownie meeting in the evening, and no one was there... I texted one of the leaders, and she didn't reply right away, so I went home after 30 minutes of waiting. She eventually texted back and said that they were selling cookies in a different location, and that they apparently emailed me, texted, and called me! But I triple checked everything, and I did absolutely did not receive anything at all! I'm sure she sent them, but they clearly did not go through. She seemed pissed that I didn't show up (although I'm probably just paranoid), even though its not my fault at all. Ugh. I feel really bad about it. I feel like I'm just a bumbling idiot. And its super bad timing too, because I'm applying for an internship in May, and I was gonna ask them to be a reference. I feel weird asking now... I may wait a few weeks until it blows over. Even though its unlikely, I will be so upset if I don't get a reference from them. That was pretty much half the reason I even decided to volunteer as a Brownie leader...

Friday was a much better day. I had a doctor's appointment in the morning, but I had some time to kill beforehand, so I went shopping at the dollar store. I got some stuff for when I travel in the summer! It was less than $10 for everything combined! When I got in to see my doctor, we went over my test results... I do not have sleep apnea! I thought I would be very disappointed (because I wanted to know why I have no energy), but I felt relieved. My doctor says that I'm likely not sleeping well due to stress, which is probably right. I also got weighed again, and I've lost another 5 lbs! Anyways, I grabbed some lunch at Subway, then I headed to my appointment with my therapist in the early afternoon. I told her about everything that happened the day before, and she told me a couple things that were eye opening. For one; the Brownie leaders are asking too much of me. Its a volunteer job, and I really shouldn't be given things to do outside of the time I'm volunteering. I'm not required to do it, and I really don't have the time either. She also said that my GED is very important, and that I should focus more on it and less on Brownies. She is definitely right. Its just a volunteer job! I don't need to do anything that I don't want to do and/or have the time to do! I gotta say no more!


I decided to go to Walmart after that. I needed to do something to get my mind off of the stress, and shopping always does the trick! I had to wait a bit for a bus though, so I went into Starbucks and treated myself to a tea. It was very relaxing! I used to treat myself to Starbucks at least once a week. I need to start doing it again! Anyways, a tragedy happened whilst I was on the bus... my headphones broke (the ones I got for Christmas)! I was so pissed! But I got to Walmart, and shopping took my mind off of everything! I bought some awesome stuff; a kitchen scale, two genie bras (I tried them on & they really hold everything up/in place!), a firm support sports bra, and two tank tops. I got all the bras and the tank tops in one size smaller than I take now (because I'm losing weight). They're all a tad bit tight now, but will fit me perfectly in the summer! Also, none of them have wire... because fuck bras with wire in them. And I got a box of peppermint tea at Tim Horton's on the way home. Yay!


Also here is the Powerpuff Girl version of me! All I'm missing is a big cup of tea! And maybe a stack of DVDs and/or Blu-rays!


Now onto yesterday... my cousin and I went out for a few hours. First we stopped at Staples, and I bought my favorite brand of earbuds; JVC's Gumy! I used to buy them all the time before I got the big headphones. They always last a long time, they're comfy, and the sound is good! Anyways, we also went to the mall... my cousin wanted to change her phone plan. We went to the food court for lunch (I brought my lunch), and went to Chapters to look around. Then we got groceries on our way home. I needed a bunch of bananas and unsweetened chocolate almond milk. I weighed the bananas as soon as we got home, and it turns out I've been eating medium bananas. I thought they were large... so I've been eating less calories every morning than I thought! That is always good news!


Also, I realized yesterday that I'm down a size earlier than expected. My pants are sooo loose on me now. I have to pull them up a lot... its annoying. So I'm gonna go to Value Village sometime this month, and I'm gonna get a pair of size 16 jeans for $10 or less. There is no point in buying a brand new/expensive pair of pants, because I'll be down another size in a few months! I just need one pair to get me by until then! And, since I was cleaning my bedroom last night, I also went through my clothes and decided to get rid of 1/3 of them. A lot of stuff is way too big for me now. Its hard to believe that I've lost 45 lbs so far! I should be under 200 lbs in a month or so!

A few more things to mention...

I tried the Vitamin Water Zero (Lemonade) and it was amazing! Its definitely a new favorite of mine!

I want to start reading again! I used to read all the time, but its been years since I've been able to read a book. I was deeply depressed for a long time, and its been less than a year since I began feeling better. I think its time that I get back into it!

I made a list of 5 places that I'd like to internship at for child & youth care experience. My job counselor is gonna hook me up!

I'm gonna work on more designs for my shop. I need to make more money!

I'm gonna relax all day today. That is it for now!

lots of things to be happy about

♪♫ Davy Jones - Hans Zimmer

Today was an awesome day! I usually have a good day everyday, but today was especially amazing. First of all, I had school... which normally is meh, but today it was kinda fun. Lots of interesting conversations. Secondly, the weather was beautiful! It was 6 - 9 °C all day! That probably sounds cold, but I'm Canadian... so that is actually warm for us, haha! Thirdly, I decided to go for a walk after school, which led me to the grocery store. Led Zeppelin was playing when I walked in (which made me smile), and I found Vitamin Water Zero in lemonade flavor! It was my favorite flavor of the regular Vitamin Water, so I'm thrilled that there is a version with stevia instead of sugar, and that has 0 calories! I'm gonna try it in the next couple of days!


I also got my check, so I went to the bank, then went shopping. I bought all my usual monthly stuff, plus I bought a night guard (for grinding my teeth in my sleep). I don't have the money to get a custom made one (which is like $500), so I got a cheap one from the drug store. I hope it works! I also bought low fat chocolate ice cream bars (90 calories each!). They were on sale for less than half price! I'm saving them for next week when my period starts, haha! They'll definitely help me feel less bitchy.


I'm gonna go to Walmart on Saturday to get a kitchen scale and two sports bras, which I'm very excited about! I think the kitchen scale will allow me to eat more food. I believe that I'm underestimating my portions. I've read in health/diet forums that a lot of other people underestimated their portions and/or measuring was their food was inaccurate, and they were able to eat more when they weighed it! As for sports bras; they are so effing comfy. No wire, but they hold everything in place really well! I never wanna wear a bra with wire again! And Saturday is treat day, so I'm probably gonna have chili cheese nachos from Wendy's, and a Fibre 1 cinnamon bun. Yum! I can't wait!

happy (early) easter!

♪♫ Magic - Coldplay

I'm finally feeling a bit better! I mentioned in my last blog that I was being tested for sleep apnea... well, I went for the test, but my doctor went out of town, so I won't get the results until April 1st. I'm quite nervous! But I have managed to find something that has been helping me feel a bit more energetic; multi vitamins! Because I'm on a 1250 calorie per day diet (only recommended for short women who are obese - not recommended for everyone!), it can be hard to get the right amount of vitamins that I need. I read that a lot of people (on similar low calorie diets) take vitamins for just that reason. I probably should have done it from the start! I added the multi vitamins to my day on MyFitnessPal (great app for losing weight!), and now all my vitamins are over 100% everyday!

Anyways, I won't discuss everything that is new with me, just the most interesting things... for starters, last weekend was really exciting! I stayed at my dad's new apartment. Its sooo much better than the last apartment! Much bigger and cleaner! It was also his birthday, so I brought him a birthday card with a Subway gift card inside, and a chocolate cheesecake. He was quite thrilled! Anyways, we did a lot of walking on Saturday, and I burned a ton of calories, so I had an extra good treat day! I had a KFC chicken bowl, a McDonald's apple pie, a chocolate granola bar, and a couple handfuls of movie theatre popcorn! Speaking of the movie theatre, we went to see 10 Cloverfield Lane, and I really enjoyed it! Also, I lost my little Led Zeppelin button that I had on my bag, so I bought a new one. Its a different design, but I love it!


I finally watched The Hateful Eight a couple days ago. I had been looking forward to it since it was announced that Quentin Tarantino was making a new film. And I really enjoyed it! Also, school and Brownies started back up this week (last week was March break). Yesterday was the most exhausting day I've had in a long time. I went to school, then went to Brownies, then I went grocery shopping... I didn't get home until 10pm. I slept pretty well though! Today I'm just gonna relax. I may clean my bedroom... not sure. I'm feeling pretty lazy right now. I may just watch 3rd Rock from the Sun, and play City Girl Life all day.


This weekend is Easter, as everyone knows. I'm planning on having two treat days instead of one (since its a holiday). It will Saturday and Sunday. I got my Easter treats all ready; marshmallow bunnies, two fibre 1 brownies, and a little plastic egg filled with chocolates. It may not seem like a lot, but candy is really high in calories, so I can't eat too much. Plus I'm spreading it out over two days so that I'm not eating a ton of calories at once. Also, I'm having a traditional ham dinner with potatoes, gravy, veggies, etc, on Sunday. But I have to measure my portions. Just because its a holiday, doesn't mean I can eat a ton of food. However, I am having a very low calorie lunch, so that I can have a big dinner!


I'm thinking about creating a little side blog about my weight loss journey, with tips and tricks, and maybe pictures of what I eat everyday. People think a 1250 calorie diet means you're starving and eating tiny amounts of food, but I'm never hungry and my meals are regular sized! Veggies are super low calorie, so you can eat an abundance of them (example - two cups of baby spinach is only 25 calories)! I think people would be surprised by how much I eat in a day! And besides, its not like I'll be eating 1250 forever. That is just for weight loss. When I maintain my weight, I'll be having 1800 - 2000 calories a day!

Well, that is about it. I hope everyone has a Happy Easter! Or just a great weekend if you don't celebrate Easter!

please read...

♪♫ Ghost Song - The Doors

I would like to discuss something serious that I've been struggling with for a couple years now (since my 70 lb weight gain in 2014). I've tried to ignore it, but I just can't anymore. I'm talking about my lack of energy. I'm exhausted 24/7. I feel like I'm always dragging myself around. I feel like I want to go to sleep all the time. I'm sick of it. In fact, I'm so sick of it, that I made an appointment with my doctor last week to discuss it...

I had already seen him last summer about the same thing. He ran tests, and concluded that everything was normal. So I thought that maybe it was just the extra weight slowing me down or something. Anyways, this time he started asking me a ton of questions, mostly about sleep. He asked how much sleep I get, if I snore loudly, if I wake up during the night, etc. Then he told me that he thinks I have sleep apnea. I was surprised... but it also makes sense. I do have the symptoms, especially lack of energy. And it would also explain something else...

I got the doctor to weigh me while I was there, and I'm 5 lbs heavier than I should be by now (I count calories and measure everything that I eat too!), but guess what?! Sleep apnea slows weight loss quite a bit! That would explain the 5 lbs! I still lost 40 lbs though... so yay! But I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't a little upset over the 5 lb difference. It seems silly... 5 lbs is so small... but I really wanna be on track with my weight loss.

Anyways, he told me to make an appointment with the sleep clinic, so I did. I'm going on Friday... and I'm nervous. On the phone they said that they're gonna give me a machine for the night to monitor my sleep. You know what though? I actually hope that I have it. I know that sounds crazy, but I've spent too long having no energy and I just want to know why so that I can start fixing it. Admittedly, I will be upset if this isn't it. I don't wanna run more tests, and spend more time waiting. I want to get it over with.

This is also my explanation for why I don't write blogs very often. I'm just so exhausted all the time. Even sitting on my ass and writing a blog is tiring for me. I'm gonna try to write one a few times a month, at least until my energy comes back. I definitely miss blogging a couple times a week. And I apologize to my online friends that I haven't contacted lately, and my the lovely people on my blogroll, whose blogs I undoubtedly haven't commented on in a while. I want to... I really do. And I will! Just not at this time.

On a lighter note, my grandmother bought me a cute hippie bag at Walmart yesterday to cheer me up. I'm so in love with it! Its been a while since I had a hippie bag. I used to buy a new one every couple of months. Ah, those were the days, haha! Anyways, I've already added a little Led Zeppelin button to it. I need to find a big Led Zeppelin button though. That would look bad ass! I gotta say, despite my lack of energy, I've been feeling like myself again lately. After years of deep depression, I'm back baby! Wooo!

More Christmas gift shopping!

♪♫ God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings - Barenaked Ladies Ft. Sarah McLachlan

I'm home sick from school, so I thought I'd write a blog while I'm trying to feel better. I'm quite nauseous, dizzy, and I have a headache too. I'm not sure what caused it, but my best guess is that the food I ate last night wasn't clean and/or fresh. It was at an open house at the college I'm attending for next year. Speaking of the open house... I got the $500 bursary for when I start college! They're deducting it from my tuition for September 2016.

I said in my last blog that I was done Christmas gift shopping, but I ended up changing my mind a bit... I bought two cute little snowmen figures for my paternal grandparents. I'm going to spend Christmas with them for the first time, so I figured I should buy a little something as a thank you! And... I bought a little angel pin for my maternal grandmother. It has a cute little poem that I'm sure will make her tear up a little. All I have left to do is take her to a store to let her pick out something (money in a card is too impersonal), then I'll be completely finished Christmas gift shopping!



I also bought a box that will hopefully fit all the gifts that I ordered for Kara, BJ, Bentley, and Ava. I'm mailing it to them, since I moved out of the city. I just hope it doesn't cost too much to ship. Anyways, I've only got a couple things in there right now. I'm still waiting for the rest of the stuff to arrive. I also bought some cute green wrapping paper with snowmen! I thought it would be best to use green wrapping paper, since the box is red. I can't wait to complete the box and send it! They're gonna love it!



On an unrelated topic, I've been dealing with facial acne, which has been frustrating. I've always had very clear skin, so I don't know why this is happening now! It started up in the summertime, and just hasn't gone away. I did get an acne wash at the pharmacy, and I've been using it for over six weeks... but its not working! Ugh! I'm waiting to get an appointment with a dermatologist, which is taking forever. In the meantime, I'm playing a game of whack of pimple with my face. Every time I get rid of one, another one pops up somewhere else! Its making me very self conscious. Does anyone have tips for this?

That's about it for now. I'll leave you with one of my favorite songs for this time of year!


Edit @ 3:35 pm: I ended up purchasing a new phone not long after writing this, so I thought I'd just add this bit in. I've needed a new phone for a while, and I don't have a lot of money to spend. I usually just get a prepaid phone for around $100. But they're really cheaply made, and they usually don't even last an entire year. So I was browsing different sites for phones, like I've been doing for weeks, and I came across the Samsung Galaxy Grand Prime on Best Buy's website. It was $40 off (I think its a Black Friday deal), and there were only 22 left in stock! It was double the price that I normally pay, but the features are way better than my old phone. I finally just decided to do it. I haven't touched my savings for a long time, but I decided that this is something I need, so I allowed myself to buy it. I also bought a phone case and two screen protectors from EBay for less than $10 combined. I love good deals! And the sellers are both in Canada, so everything should arrive fairly quick! I can't wait!

mend this porcelain heart of mine

♪♫ Porcelain Heart - Barlow Girl

Lots of exciting things have happened since I last blogged. Starting with Friday; I passed a residential form to my case manager (because of my change of address). My life has just improved so much! No more psycho mother, and I'll be getting more money! On a less positive note; I think I still have a bladder infection...or something worse. I've had a bladder infection treated three times in the past few months...but it doesn't seem to be going away. I'm worried it might be something serious. :/

Matt and I did a lot of shopping that day. Starting with two dollar stores, where I found some cute stuff. Then we caught a bus to the mall. But I didn't end up buying anything there. We went across the street to Value Village, Mister Music, The Dollarama, and Walmart instead. And I bought more stuff...obviously, LOL. I'm mostly excited about the TV stand, because its the first piece of furniture I purchased for my new room! Anyways, we got McDonald's for supper, then a taxi home. I did some laundry, finished my food, then passed out. I was exhausted. :P


I woke up early on Saturday, because the damn cat (Monty) kept scratching at the door. Ahhh. But it was sort of a good thing, because Matt and I were able to get ready and head to the mall ahead of schedule. I ended up buying myself a few things. Nothing really expensive though. But I couldn't find anything for my bedroom...so I headed to another mall. And guess what!? I got awesome stuff at Target! I bought all the bedding that I need for my new bed, and two black shelves. Wooo! :)


Since I had some money leftover...I decided to buy some stuff online. Its really hard to break that addiction. Ugh. But I got a lot of things that I've wanted for a long time! I'm especially excited about the John Locke action figure! Anyways, we mostly relaxed and watched TV when we got home. We were in desperate need of rest. Too much shopping, LOL. xD


On Sunday, Matt's mom drove me to pick something up that I needed...but it turned into another shopping trip, LOL. More stuff for my bedroom; large organizer, paint, paint supplies, light bulbs, light switch cover, etc. And I got to have delicious chilli when I got home! Plus we continued our Harry Potter marathon. Wooo! The ending of my night was somewhat stressful though...I was looking for black bedroom sets online, but I had no luck. :(


Monday was an amazing day. Matt and I went on a long hunt for a black bedroom set. We went into several furniture stores, but most of them didn't have black furniture. The only one I found was almost $5000! I can't afford that! My budget was $2500. Anyways, I was beginning to lose hope. We were tired, sore and hungry. But we had one last furniture store to check. And I couldn't believe my eyes when I walked in; a black bedroom set for $1000 (sleigh bed frame, tall dresser, wide dresser with a mirror & two night tables)! Just like I pictured in my head too! I also found a queen size mattress + box spring that was on sale! So I put them on layway, and I got a warranty for everything! It came to around $2450. Cheaper than my budget! And I put a downpayment on it already. So I owe $1950, which will be paid off in June. I'm beyond happy! ^_^


Afterwards, I celebrated by...shopping more, LOL. I bought four tank tops, nail polish, lipstick, phone cards (for more data), and red velvet cheesecake. I also bought Matt a couple things. And I still have money leftover. I feel like such an adult right now, haha. Anyways, we ended our night by cleaning the room, then ate more chilli and watched more Harry Potter. :3


Today I woke up in a lot of pain. Fucking cramps. I had to relax until they went away. By that time, the mail had arrived. I got a letter from my grandmother with a $30 Subway gift card inside. Wooo! I also made a pointless trip to the mall to get internet. Apparently I need a $100 downpayment (because I have no credit). And I didn't have any money with me. Ugh. So I went home. Cranky and tired as hell. I did my budgets from now till December, then wrote a five page long letter to my grandmother. And that's pretty much it. :P