telling you it's dark when you see the light

♪♫ No Way No - Magic!

Friday was an awful day. My boyfriend and I had a fight. It would have been a small fight if it wasn't for me letting my anxiety get the best of me. It went on for a while. We went for a drive and a had a talk afterwards. It became very apparent to me that I'm being a bit selfish in the relationship. I can see it. I'm not doing it on purpose, but I sometimes get scared and insecure, which makes me a bit needy. I asked him if he was thinking of leaving me and he said no. However, I'm still worried about it. I have let it go and not said anything else about it, because I don't want to dump my insecurities onto him.

I went to his staff Christmas party on Saturday, which was very anxiety inducing. We didn't stay long though. Then I stayed the night at his place. On Sunday, my birthday (I'm 25 now!), he spent the day and night with me. We went out for dinner with my family (I got nachos!), then back home to have cake and open birthday and Christmas gifts (I will post pictures below). After that, him and I went to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi. It was the best Star Wars movie in my opinion. We were tired by the time we got home, so we just cuddled and watched a movie. The next morning, we had pancakes and went to the mall (I bought a white knitted infinity scarf & two pairs of plain black leggings). It was wonderful and we had no arguments at all... but in the back of my mind, I was still thinking about Friday.




I spoke with my best friend today. She told me that she experienced the same thing at the beginning of her relationship with her fiance. Eventually, due to consistency, she was able to fully trust him and let go of her insecurities. I think I'm going to focus a lot on that. He is doing nothing wrong at all. I am just emotionally messed up and need to get control of it. I don't want my relationship to crumble because of it. I'm determined! I love him a lot and he deserves a girlfriend that is stable. I also don't want him to help me with this. Its my problem to fix and he doesn't need the burden.

Aside from all of that, I also did some online shopping this morning. I bought three things on Walmart's website with some birthday and Christmas money. I can't wait until they arrive!


That is all for now. I am going to try to relax and not worry about everything. I hope everyone's holidays are going well!

back from vacation & getting ready for college

♪♫ Rooster - Alice in Chains

I'm back from vacation! I had a really amazing time! The first night I was there, my best friend Kara and I spent the night at a motel that was in the middle of nowhere. We arrived there at night and during a thunder storm, so it was really creepy, haha... we drank, ate junk food, talked, and watched House of 1000 Corpses. It was awesome... but the motel room was really shitty. She brought her own sheets for us, because motel sheets are usually gross... and when she tried to plug the mini fridge in... one of the prongs fell off! But it was only $50 for the night, so we didn't expect quality, haha. It was one of the best nights I've ever had! ♥♥♥



The rest of this won't be in order... I can't really remember what happened when... but yeah...

I went to the movies twice (I saw Nerve & Suicide Squad).

Went out for dinner pretty much every single day. My favorite place was a local pub that had vegan chili, which was amazing!

I decided just to be a strict vegetarian rather than vegan. I'm going to eat 95% vegan. But I'll be vegetarian for the sake of going to restaurants and also when it comes to sweets on holidays.

Seen all my friends except for two people. I also managed to avoid the two exes that I didn't want to see.

I went bowling, and I won!

I went to the arcade twice, and won a few cool things (a whale eraser, plush tie dye dice with peace signs, and friendship bracelets).

Drank a few times, but didn't really get drunk.

Ended up running into my mother (who I hadn't spoken to in a year and a half), and we worked things out.

Ended up staying an extra week.

My mum gave me a card + $100 for graduating.

Bought lots of cool shit (mexican style backpack, peace sign hemp necklace, Hogwarts shirt, & Harry Potter funko figures) + got some gifts from people (Doctor Who shirt, handmade Tardis purse, hand painted Christmas ornament, space backpack, aviator sunglasses, & The Dark Knight Rises on DVD).

Went back to smoking cigarettes (but quit once I returned home)

Met some of my friends' kids that I hadn't met before. They were so cute!

Visited all my favorite places in the city.

Went to the pride parade, which was really fun!

Got to spend lots of time with my kitty!

Went for a couple drives around the city.

I think that is pretty much it.

Here is all the stuff that I got...



Other random pictures from my trip...



I've been home from my trip for a couple of days now. I really miss my old city... I may move back there after college. Speaking of college... I found out that I'm being funded by the government and I can stay on social assistance, which means I will not owe any money back after school! But sadly that also means that I can't stay in a dorm on campus. Instead, I'm gonna try to rent a room. There are a bunch of ads online for people wanting to rent rooms out to students in the area. I emailed like ten of them already. Just waiting to hear back now. I'll be happy as long as the people are nice, its clean, close to the school, has wifi, its affordable, and I can eat vegetarian and healthy! Wish me luck! I'm not religious, but pray for me, haha!

Also, I ordered a few things for myself online yesterday; a replica of Jim Morrison's necklace, an authentic serape from Mexico, a tie dye Led Zeppelin shirt, and a David Lynch pin! They are all things that I've had on my wish list for a while now, so I finally decided to get 'em! I'm also going on a shopping spree for clothes in the next couple weeks! I'm buying almost a whole new wardrobe! I also need to get school supplies, supplements, and large wooden bowls (I just think they look cool & they're perfect for big meals too). I may also buy a few more bedding items. Not too sure yet. But I'm excited!


I've got a lot of stuff to do in the next few weeks, plus some family is visiting from out of town... so I'm not sure when I'll write another blog. Hopefully soon though!

Happy (very) belated Valentines Day!

♪♫ West Coast - Lana Del Rey

I've been somewhat busy lately, and I keep forgetting to write a blog... ugh. Well I'm finally doing it now! Anyways... how was everyone's Valentines Day? Mine was pretty alright. I'm single, but that didn't stop me from enjoying myself! I had some mini Reese cups and watched The X-Files! Plus I got a Valentines card from my grandmother with a Subway gift card in it, woohoo!



The day after Valentines Day, I got my free activity tracker in the mail (from Kellogg's). I'm really glad that I got a free one! They're quite expensive in stores! Also, I made a the biggest batch of spicy chili that I've ever made. I put seven Jalepenos in it (because I'm insane). I filled up eight containers with leftovers. I won't have to worry about making a batch again until next month!



I treated myself to Subway and makeup/accessory shopping on Tuesday. I hadn't bought myself makeup/accessories for a long time, so it was really wonderful! I tried out my new makeup when I got home, then took a selfie. I think it looks pretty good. I'm very happy with it! And I also got some stickers in the mail that I ordered for my planner. They're super cute!



I have been at my dad's since Friday night. We've had spicy chili, watched stuff on Netflix, went for two walks, had tea/coffee at the cafe down the street twice (and played MindTrap one of those times), and he gave me some Valentines gifts (since I hadn't seen him since before Valentines Day). Oh and I bought two hemp almond protein bars (vegan) at the cafe. I ate one and it was amazing, so I bought another one to have later this week. But anyways, I'm going home this afternoon. I was gonna stay another night, but his apartment is freezing cold, and I miss my bed! I also miss watching The X-Files... lol!


I'll leave you with this lovely Valentines card that I found someone online...

babe with the power

♪♫ Magic Dance - David Bowie

I'm really not feeling well right now. My depression is weighing down on me. I definitely need to get out again soon. Ugh. It feels like I'm struggling so hard just to be moderately depressed. But despite all of that, I'm going to write a blog anyways. I'll begin with Sunday; I went to my mum's for the day (& got to see my babygirl; Lissa!). We were supposed to do sewing and planning for our shops, but we were both not feeling good. So instead, we just ate a bunch of food and a had a horror movie marathon. They were all ones that I haven't seen yet. I think my favorite was The House At The End Of The Street. I only watched it because of Jennifer Lawrence and Max Thieriot. And they didn't let me down! Oh and I ended up staying the night at my mum's too...:O


I know what you may be thinking. Why the fuck would I stay the night there? Well...my mum was upset and I needed a break too. However...my night was brutal. I had food poisoning and couldn't sleep at all (because I didn't have my medication). And another bad thing happened on Monday afternoon. I had woken up early for breakfast and began watching more horror movies. My mum went out for her hair appointment for a little while, so I borrowed her tablet and took some pictures of myself (only one turned out right though). When she got back, she brought more munchies. Yay! But not long after that...my step dad came home. He was flipping out about my mother apparently stealing $500 from him, which is bullshit. No way she would have stolen it. I think he is lying and trying to manipulate her. Ugh. Fucking bastard. -_-


My mother was feeling scared (because my step dad has a violent history), so she asked me to stay for a while. I didn't really want to...but I got more food and I got to watch more horror movies. That really wins me over apparently, LOL. Anyways, I ended up leaving in the late evening. My mum paid for me to get a taxi home. Matt was very happy to see me. And I was happy to see him. Strange how you appreciate people more when you don't see them for a little while...^_^

Yesterday was a really boring day. I honestly can't think of one interesting thing that occurred. Well...except for my dream last night...I had a dream that I was a middle Eastern girl, I had my own car and went to high school. I also wore a Hijab. Anyways, I had one friend in the dream. A girl I went to middle school with. Her name is Katie. She is really dorky and awkward, but pretty awesome. In the dream she collected handfuls of fingernail clippings, because they held magic wishing power. Yeah, you heard that right, LOL. So I had a crush on my ex-boyfriend in the dream. He was playing basketball and I was watching him. He spoke to me occasionally, but he didn't show much interest. So I decided to use the...nail clippings to make a wish. I wished for him to tell me how he really feels about me. So after making my wish, I found him in the library. He was headed for the bathroom and told me to wait outside so that he could talk to me afterwards. But I heard him talking about me and how he hates me. I was so upset. I ran through the halls of the school. I took my Hijab off and threw it behind me. I heard guys whistling at me, but I didn't care. And then the dream ended because I really had to pee, LOL. xD

So far, today has been pretty productive...I guess. I got my first order of fabric from Spoonflower in the mail. I love it! Although...the Arwen fabric is a bit blurry. Ahhh. Oh well. It was a test piece anyways. I'm hoping to start sewing next week. I can't wait to make tons of awesome products! I also can't wait for the last order of fabric to arrive! Wooo! :D


After that excitement; I made peanut butter cookies, did some dishes, did some laundry, did my budget, and made myself dinner (Matt & his parents went to see some of their family for the evening). Oh and I also ordered a white Kobo mini! I know that I said I'd never get an e-reader. But I did a lot of thinking. It'll be great for travelling. I can have hundreds of books on a device that will easily fit into my purse instead of packing a bunch of books (which I actually do...). I'm also poor. I get a bit of extra money, but not a lot. So I'll be able to download free books online and read them on the Kobo mini! I'm also making covers for e-readers soon. So I can use it to help me. Oh and it was a great price! It was only $65 with tax and shipping. Yay! :3


I found a super cute felt Harry Potter sleeve on Etsy that would be perfect for the Kobo mini...but its $30 + shipping. I don't know if I can afford that right now. But whenever I get the money, its gonna be mine! Well, that is pretty much it. I'm just gonna watch TV for the rest of the evening. I'm pretty bored right now. :/

i know i'll just be right back

♪♫ Comin' Home - City And Colour

This may be my last blog for a little while. Why? Because I don't have internet at home. And I'm heading back tomorrow. So I'll begin with Tuesday; I got some great pictures of my blue hair! Yay! It looks better than the last time. It just keeps getting better! After that, I went and got my tattoo touched up. It looks so much better now! And it was free! Then finally; I got dropped off at my dad's. I got my grandmother to take some pictures of my dad and I, but they didn't turn out very good. I don't like how my face looks. :/


My dad and I had KFC for lunch (a tradition of ours), then spent the day eating junk food and watching movies. We also broke the wishbone from my grandmother's Christmas turkey, and I got the bigger piece (I hope my wish comes true!). Oh and we talked. I told him what my mother is really like. All the awful things she has done. He didn't seem very surprised, but I could tell he felt bad. Its not his fault though. My mother should have been decent. Ugh. Anyways, my dad and I rang in the new year with ice cream and watching Donnie Darko. I did hear a few fireworks go off, but I didn't see them. :(


I didn't sleep well that night. My dad snores really loud, LOL. Plus there was a beeping sound coming from the smoke detector. Apparently the batteries needed changing. Ahhh. I spent most of my night/morning talking to my friend Matt (not my boyfriend - different person). I think I fell asleep around 6:00 am. Fucking hell. -_-

Okay, now its time to talk about 2013. It was a roller coaster ride; I began drawing again, my David Lynch obsession grew, got my first tattoo, got to see my dad three times, spent time with my best friends, made up with old friends, started writing a story, went to Peggy's Cove, had my wisdom teeth removed, dressed up as Alex DeLarge for Halloween, started taking medication, dyed my hair blue, completed my David Lynch collection, started dating my sweetie, seen my old best friend, spent Christmas with my family, and lots more. I think my life definitely improved. I'm really looking forward to see what 2014 has in store for me. I know its gonna be great. I can feel it. Its a fresh start! So...happy belated New Years! I hope everyone had a good time!



new year's resolutions
In 2014, I hope to accomplish these things...

Getting a new bedroom set (including a bed).

Get a new laptop.

Have my medication reduced.

Become a better person.

Get my GED.

Eat healthier and exercise more often.

Quit smoking cigarettes.

Yesterday was a good day. My dad drew a tattoo for me. I've had the idea in my head for ages, but I can't draw to save my life. He did a perfect job! I'm planning on getting it on my back at some point. I wish I wasn't broke right now. Ahhh. Despite my lack of art skills, I also drew a tattoo idea. Not the best drawing ever. But I began doodling and it turned out kinda cool. I may get my dad to draw a better version. Oh and I made a sign for my boyfriend and sent it via Instagram. I'm so cheesy, LOL. Anyways, on a completely unrelated topic; we also had homemade pizza and watched Tales of The Unexpected. And I got a good night's sleep. :3


I didn't wanna get out of bed when I woke up this morning. It was so comfy! When I eventually got out of bed, my dad made grilled cheese sandwiches for us, and I packed all my stuff. Then my grandparents came and picked me up. I was sad to leave, but I'll probably see him again in the summer. Unless I get a job. Anyways, we stopped at a few grocery stores on our way back to the house. I got food for my trip. And when I finally got back to the house; I packed my stuff, showered and now I'm writing this blog. But...I've gotta go now...I have to wake up at 6:00 am to get the bus. There is supposed to be a blizzard though, so I'm hoping it doesn't get cancelled. I wanna see my boyfriend. I miss him. :(