take out your turquoise and all of your jewels

♪♫ Chemtrails Over The Country Club - Lana Del Rey

I've had a very hard month. I've been battling issues with a coworker. Someone who I thought was a friend, but turned out to be very toxic. I made the decision to quit my part-time position partly because of her. She always works the same 3 shifts every week, which I overlap with in my position. I've told my boss today and I plan to just do casual relief (picking up random shifts), because I can completely avoid taking a shift with her. I tried confronting her/working with her, but she wasn't cooperating. My boss offered to step in, but I honestly didn't think it would help any. I just need to get away from her. Luckily my boss has been supportive (she has also had run ins with this coworker).

Another reason for quitting my position is that overnight shifts are really hard on my body. I just don't want to do them anymore. Also... I'm going to university! I want to become a therapist and I finally figured out how to achieve that goal. Its going to take 6 years, but luckily I'm in a good position to be able to do it. I'm a live-in support worker, so I have free rent and I get paid to live at my work (not the one I mentioned earlier). Its a laid back job and it gives me enough money to live on. Its perfect for a student! I haven't heard back about my application yet, but the university isn't hard to get into and my GPA is good (3.6). Hopefully all goes according to plan! Where I live, I had the entire attic to myself (its not dark/creepy). Its two bedrooms, one of which I typically use for storage. However, I plan on converting that one into my school area. The program I'm doing is going to be done online (not just because of the pandemic - it has always had an online option). I'm going to buy a desk, a chair, desk organization accessories, an HD webcam, a little shelf for my textbooks/snacks/school supplies, and a little lamp. I'm so excited!

Although things are awful right now with my coworker, I have been trying to stay positive. I started using CBD oil (THC free) for my anxiety and I've started writing poetry again! I bought a beautiful velvet notebook and I've put a bunch of my old poems in it, plus 5 new ones that I've written recently. Its been quite therapeutic! Once things settle down at work with the coworker issue, I plan on implementing a healthier diet/exercise to get into a good routine. It will help when I'm not doing overnight shifts anymore. So excited! I feel really focused on bettering myself and surrounding myself with positivity.

I hope to blog more in the upcoming days. My position at work isn't coming to an end until February 15th, so I don't anticipate it will be until after then. I need to get away from the overnights/toxic coworker and return to a better state of mental and physical health. Wish me luck! I hope everyone is doing well!

the world is yours and you can't refuse it

♪♫ Love - Lana Del Rey

I've had a very stressful couple of weeks. Last week I had a ton of school work to do, plus two presentations. Unfortunately, there were three snow days, which made it very difficult to complete my work. I did manage to do it though! For both of my presentations (along with my group), I got marks in the 90s! I'm so proud of myself! The teacher says she was very impressed by our presentation skills! Although the school work and presentations worked out, there were some personal issues that occurred that week...

A male friend in my class had a major breakdown and upset a lot of people. I don't want to go into detail because its confidential, but it was very stressful for me. That happened on Friday, so it ruined my evening a bit due to me still thinking about it. It was a lot of drama. But... things got much better on Saturday! I got a drive to Halifax (aka home), where I have been spending my spring break for the past week. I still have a few days left too! Although I have still had to do homework and some personal issues have popped up (with the male friend I mentioned earlier, my mom's mental health & my cousin's anxiety), its been a pretty good week!

» When I arrived on Saturday, we went out for groceries and I got garlic fingers with donair sauce for dinner. I had a lot of packages waiting for me too, so I opened them up! I also watched the latest episode of Riverdale. Its getting so good! Oh, and I took a new selfie!


I got: a tie dye sun/moon tapestry, Rob Zombie's 31 on Blu-ray, "I need more space" t-shirt, coffin purse and a serape duster.


Loving my new serape duster! It makes me feel like a queen!
» I bought a new pair of yoga pants on Sunday, plus my grandmother gave me a pair of hers that she didn't want anymore. I won't bothering posting a picture of them. They're both just basic black yoga pants. Also, I got caught up on Bates Motel. I'm ready for the next season!

» On Monday I went out for tea/coffee with the Brownie leaders I used to volunteer with. They told me about the unfortunate passing of another Brownie leader that I worked with for a little while. It was a shock. We discussed lots of different things. They also invited me to come to Brownies tonight to see the girls again, which I happily agreed to! It was lovely to see them again!

» I went to my dad's on Tuesday. We walked around downtown and I did a bit of shopping. After that, we got vegan double bacon cheeseburgers for dinner and went to see Hidden Figures (it was really good!). When we got back to his apartment, I had to deal, via text, with my mother having some severe mental issues (I had to call the police to take her to the hospital).


EnVie in Halifax has the best vegan burgers!


Some other awesome vegan food I have had in the past week; English breakfast, chickpea of the sea sandwich + tortilla chips, spicy bean wrap and Tuscan chickpea salad.
» On Wednesday, my dad and I went to the mall for the afternoon. I went on a bit of a shopping spree... haha. It felt good to buy myself lots of stuff. I also got to go to HMV and get a few items, which I'm both happy and sad about because they're closing soon for good. After the mall, my dad came back to my house and had dinner. Then I ended my night by doing homework (which I passed in 20 minutes before the due date) and fighting with my male friend, who I won't be talking to anymore.


What I bought: grey leggings, magenta tank top, black tank top, Hogwarts travel cup, The Hateful Eight on DVD, Supernatural poster, The Two Princesses of Bamarre by Gail Carson Levine, Harry Potter pen/bookmark combo, a Led Zeppelin coin purse and flip flops (not pictured).
I also got an email last night from a t-shirt making website... they said that I won a free t-shirt! I did enter a contest there a little while back, so I must have won! I looked into it and it seems legit... I just always feel suspicious when it comes to winning things online and getting something for free. It seems too good to be true, haha. Well... hopefully it is real. Anyways, they told me to pick any design/color that I wanted and I went with this one...


I definitely knew that I wanted a Lord of the Rings shirt, since I don't already have one. They had quite a few to pick from, but this one caught my eye!
Today I'm going to finish up my homework and visit my old Brownie unit. I also want to watch a movie at some point today. I need some relaxation time! I'm still a bit stressed out...

i see another mountain to climb

♪♫ The Greatest - Sia

Oh no! It looks like I haven't blogged in a few weeks... so sorry! I have been crazy busy lately with school and volunteer work (I volunteer at a homeless shelter & a youth center). But I decided to take this weekend off because I feel really overworked and I need some me time. It feels so good to be able to really relax for the first time in a long time! Anyways, I'm going to do this blog in bullet points to save myself the hassle of writing a ton of paragraphs. It will be in no particular order either...

I took some beautiful pictures of the fall leaves.

I got about 2/3 of my Christmas shopping done! Once its completed, I will post pictures on my blog of what I bought for everyone!

I've been re-watching Lost. I'm on season four now. It never fails to make me feel comforted and at home.

I got sick of how my room looked, so I re-arranged the furniture. It actually improved my mood quite a bit! I think the feng shui was really off before.

I got my learner's license! I'm so relieved that I finally passed the test!

I finally got more supplies to make more Twin Peaks inspired rings! I'm gonna get started tomorrow.

The food bank gave me a lot of food that I couldn't eat because it was either not vegetarian or expired (I donated all the non-expired stuff to the homeless shelter I volunteer at). Potatoes was one of the only things that I could use, so I ended up making roasties with sea salt, Italian seasoning and garlic powder! They were sooo good!

I got a $1700 government grant! They said I can spend it on whatever I want, so I'm using $700 for driver's ed and I'm saving the rest!

I've been trying to stick with a plant based/whole food diet lately because my physical health isn't doing so well due to eating a lot of junk food since college began. So one of meals lately was a delicious taco salad! It was good, but next time I'm going to add some organic salsa to make it amazing!

I played Dungeons and Dragons for the first time! A bunch of people from the youth center I volunteer at got together on a Monday evening and played a game for a couple hours with some snacks and drinks. It was a really great time! I'm glad that I got out and socialized a bit, since I'm usually stuck in my room by myself most of the time.

To celebrate getting the $1700 grant, I bought myself a couple treats; a new wallet (really needed one because my old one fell apart) and some cute coffin earrings. I also bought myself some spinach dip and tortilla chips from a local restaurant, which I took home and pigged out on, haha!

I've been having a lot of issues with social assistance. They aren't really helping me at all and it doesn't seem like they care that I'm a starving college student. Luckily I have family, friends and the food bank to help me out though.

I watched Leonardo Dicaprio's new documentary Before The Flood and it was fantastic! I highly recommend that everyone watches it! Its available for free on YouTube, just search for it!

I dressed up a bit for Halloween. I wore a little witch hat and some pumpkin earrings. Plus I did my makeup more dramatic than usual and wore black (which I do often anyways). It was a lot of fun!

My college class decided to have a pot luck for Halloween. It went super well and I was sooo full by the end of it. My favorite thing was a green mac 'n cheese that a girl in my class made. It had cream cheese added to it, which made it unbelievably amazing!

I didn't do a whole lot for Halloween night, sadly. I just ate some candy and watched Lost.

To celebrate making it 1/2 of the way through the first semester of school, my teachers brought in a cake for our whole class! It was sickeningly good!

Next weekend is a four day weekend and I'm going home for a visit! I'm so happy! I'm gonna have a vegan double bacon cheeseburger with a vegan poutine and a vegan taco salad from my favorite vegan restaurants! There are no vegan places here, which is why I'm so excited, haha! I'm also excited to see my family and do some shopping!

I treated myself to a cute festive pajama set. I seen it at the grocery store and I had to have it!

I'm having a really hard time with some people at school that I have to work with. They are 18 and quite immature. I find it really stressful, but one of my teachers said she would deal with it, so I'm gonna try not to think about it and just focus on my own stuff.

My best friend Kara sent me a picture of her son (my godson) Bentley and I from a few Halloweens ago. He was a horse and I was Alex from A Clockwork Orange. Even though I look like hell, I really adore the picture!

That is all for now! I'm gonna take a shower, watch some more Lost, have spicy veggie chili with tortilla chips for dinner and maybe start re-reading some of my favorite fan fictions from years ago. I hope everyone is doing well! Goodbye for now!

it's far beyond the stars

♪♫ Beyond The Sea - Frank Sinatra

I remember when blogs were a safe haven. A place to vent your feelings and not worry about the people you know offline getting angry or upset. Like a little secret diary, except that you met friends through it. Friends from all around the world. That has always been one of the best things about having a blog. But that kinda gets ruined when one of your online friends decides to screw you over. Which I didn't even realize was possible from such a far distance. But yes, it is. That is my vague explanation of why my commenting systems are not available right now. I've written them something, and I do not wish to a get a reply. I already took precautions on my other accounts and whatnot. And nothing so far...but you never know. I could have accidentally left something open. :/

Aside from that, I've been thinking about my New Year's resolution. I know that people almost never follow them. Its a silly concept, I suppose. But I'm actually thinking of doing something that I've wanted to do for a while; reading a hundred books in a year. Although, it could be difficult, because of work...I'm still trying to figure out how it would go exactly. Should I make a list of a hundred books? Just go with it and not think about it? I don't know. D:

I'm pretty excited about tomorrow though! I'm going to BJ's house with Kara. I think we're playing Risk. Not our usual game, but its been a while since I played Risk, so yay! I'm probably gonna get my ass handed to me though. I suck at pretty much every board game ever invented, haha. I'm not sure if I'll be there to ring in the new year, or if I'll be home before then. But either way, I'm gonna have a good night. :D

'cause i just don't care

♪♫ Burning Desire - Lana Del Rey

Well, not a whole lot has happened lately. But I'm writing a blog anyways. I'll start with Tuesday; I mainly just looked online for craft supplies. I'm thinking about making necklaces, decorated DS styluses and pin buttons. But I'm not sure yet. I also watched a lot of Penn & Teller: Bullshit! Damn, I love that show, LOL. Oh and Matt got into a bad mood around midnight. I don't even know why. But I ended up sleeping on the floor in my bedroom. Plus eating a banana, bread and tuna, with a glass of water. And watching more Penn & Teller: Bullshit! What a ghetto night...ugh...


It was my grandmother's birthday on Wednesday. Happy birthday nanny! That was pretty much the only good thing about that day. Matt and I fought for the most part. He has been in such a bad mood lately. Its really getting under my skin. I try to work things out, but I have such an anger problem. Ugh. -_-

Thursday wasn't much better of a day. My Xbox 360 broke. I was so upset. I still am. But Matt took his Xbox 360 out of the living room and put it in our room. So I can still fall asleep watching movies and TV shows. And nothing else really occurred. Well...I did decide to sell all my Xbox 360 stuff. I'm hoping to save up for a PS3. Way better investment! :P

Yesterday I made a big decision. I decided to sell my Blackberry Playbook and all the accessories for it. I'm sick of it. I want a good tablet! So I put it on Ebay and Kijiji. Lots of interest, but no buyers yet. I also went to the post office to mail a package, but I forgot that its Easter weekend...so it was closed. Ugh. But we did run into my parents at Tim Horton's, and they took us to Julius Pizza for dinner! Plus we made plans to spend time together on Sunday. :)

Today has been pretty blah. I made $25 selling some stuff to a woman via Kijiji. I spent some time cleaning my room. But I didn't get it finished. I ended up getting a fight with some girls, because I was defending Robyn. As usual, my intellect and sarcasm won. To be fair, I'm pretty sure that the people I was fighting with had the same IQ as a toaster. Seriously...so stupid. And even though I was victorious, it put me in a bad mood. That usually always happens when I get involved in a negative situation. It sucks the positive energy out of me. :(

That is it for now. Yeah...not a lot of interesting things happened. Or happy things for that matter. :/

thoughts will soon be wandering

♪♫ Turn The Page - Bob Seger

My date on Friday night went really well. Matt was all dressed up. And looking hot I should add. He took me to a diner that reminds me of the Double R Diner from Twin Peaks. It was lovely. Then we went to another place for dessert; he got a brownie sundae and I got red velvet cheesecake. Yum! And somehow we ended up talking about serial killers and psychopaths. LOL, typical me on a date. xD


So I invited him back to my house after that, since my mum was at work and my step dad is deaf and sleeping. We cuddled for most of the night, watched TV and Eraserhead. Which Matt thought was really weird. And we both heard my step dad leaving for work around 4:30 am. I forgot he had to work. Fuck. But he didn't come in my room. So Matt and I started getting intimate. It was amazing. And then he left before my mum came home from work. Which was around 6:30 am. Since I was already awake, I decided to watch Supernatural.


My mum came home and immediately began screaming. Apparently my step dad had texted her and told her that some guy's shoes were in the hallway. So she figured out that Matt was here for the night. But me being stupid...I tried to lie. I said I had no clue what she was talking about. Which didn't help. She hit me really hard in the face. Then she grounded me and told me that no one is allowed to come here ever again. Except for my birthday. Does that make any fucking sense!? I'm almost twenty-one. I'm an adult! I'm so fucking mad. But if I don't listen to her, she is gonna kick me out. I fell asleep crying and feeling like complete shit. :'(

I woke up late yesterday. No surprise. Considering I was up until 7:30 am the night before. But yeah...I spent hours too scared to leave my room. I was afraid of how my mum was gonna act. She mostly ignored me. But she also took my door knob away, decided to think of a better punishment in the new year and get my step dad to check on me at night to make sure I'm alone in my room. I'm in fucking hell. At least my grandmother cheered me up a little bit.

Today hasn't been much better. My step dad wants to kick me out because I said he smells bad. So fucking what!? My mum says that to him all the time! Plus he has called me horrible names so many times and never apologized. He is a complete piece of shit. And my mum spoke to me briefly. Just to tell me what I'm a liar and manipulator. That I'm trying to get people against her, apparently. That she doesn't care if I stop speaking with her forever. And that I only use men for their money. What a fucking cunt. I'm seriously on the verge on committing suicide right now. I can't leave my house, talk to anyone and I've got a drawer filled with pills.

it's scary and it's frightening

♪♫ Halloween - Aqua

Halloween is tomorrow! So excited! But I know that the day after Halloween, I'm instantly gonna be super excited for my birthday and Christmas. I decided to make my own cake (red velvet with vanilla icing). I'm in the process of convincing my mum to have turkey dinner on Christmas (she doesn't celebrate holidays anymore). I'm hoping she'll give in. Speaking of which; she is acting completely normal. She isn't mad. Its very weird. My grandmother says she is in denial and won't speak about it. She is probably right. -_-

On Monday, I decided to have a classic monster movie marathon. I started with Frankenstein (my favorite!), then The Wolf Man. And I made myself some delicious pumpkin spiced tea in my black tea cup + tea pot set. Very fitting, I'd say. But BJ showed up early, so he had to watch the last half an hour of The Wolf Man. As soon as it ended, I got ready quickly, then we went out for dinner. We weren't paying attention to the time though, and we had to rush to the theatre for Dracula (1931).


We got in line for pop and popcorn when we arrived at the theatre. And whilst standing in line, I noticed my friend Mike and fuckface (an ex lover). They didn't notice us though. And BJ said that they went up to the balcony, so we wouldn't have to see them. Too bad I couldn't say hi to Mike. Ugh. Anyways, we got our pop and popcorn, then we found our seats. Right in the centre. It was perfect! :D

They played creepy sounding music while we waited. And something hilarious happened. I turned my head and seen fuckface. As soon as our eyes made contact, the psycho shower theme started playing, and it stopped when I turned away, LOL! Too ironic. But yeah...apparently he wasn't sitting on the balcony. But he was on the other side of the theatre, so it didn't bother me.

Before the movie started, they showed us a half an hour video of a paranormal investigation done in the theatre. I had no idea that my city had paranormal investigators. The evidence they gathered was pretty convincing too. Anyways, Dracula was awesome! Not sure if BJ liked it though. He fell asleep before the ending. And luckily we left the theatre without running into or seeing fuckface. :P

He walked me back to my house and came inside for a bit. I gave him a container with twenty cupcakes (ten for him & ten for Kara). We waited for his mum to pick him up. She took a while. Not that I'm complaining. After he left, I ordered Inland Empire on DVD. Another movie for my David Lynch collection. Wooo! I ended my night by watching The Mummy. I was gonna watch The Creature From The Black Lagoon, but I was too tired.


Not much happened on Tuesday. I went to see my therapist in the early afternoon. We discussed me confronting my mother. I feel fine about it now. On my way home, I looked through some stores. It helps with my anxiety if I get out and walk around in public. Even when I have no money. Anyways, my mum was making pizza when I got home, and I got to munch on that while watching Ghost Adventures. I watched more horror movies too. I felt kinda bored most of the day. But at least I got to watch new episodes of some of my favorite shows. Oh and it was national cat day! So I got a selfie with my cat, plus a cute picture of her. Her name is Lissa if you don't know already. :)


Today I got tagged to do the sunshine challenge by Sammy, but I'm not sure if I'm gonna do it. I suck at challenges. And I'm gonna be so busy for the next few days. I need to make a new layout for my side blog, edit this blog and I have plans with people. So anyways, all I really did today was restore my computer to factory settings (its working a lot better now), watched horror movies, and ate the delicious fish chowder that my mum made. My mum also paid me back the last bit of money that she owed me ($250), and I'm wearing my Casper shirt to bed. I'm way too excited about tomorrow. :D


The only things I know for sure that I'm doing tomorrow are; going to lunch with BJ and going with Kara to take Bentley trick or treating. I hope she is wearing a costume too. Because I'm wearing mine (Alex Delarge from A Clockwork Orange), and I don't wanna look stupid. xD

broken dreams have got to end

♪♫ Evil Woman - Electric Light Orchestra

So I don't have feelings for that person I mentioned in my last blog. I was just confused by the dream. But apparently he has feelings for me. And I'm quite flattered, but nothing is gonna happen. I love BJ and I miss him a whole lot. Since, like I said before, I rarely see him anymore. And I kinda feel bad for the guy who has feelings for me. He isn't very good with getting women. Not that he is bad looking or has a bad personality. He just gets awkward. :(

So Tuesday was a shitty day. I woke up and immediately had to go to an appointment with my psychiatrist. I told him how I was feeling a little more depressed lately, and that I had two panic attacks since our last visit. I wish I hadn't of told him that, because he increased the dosage of my medication and added Prozac. Instead of five pills a day, I gotta take seven now. I'm really pissed, because he told me before that he was gonna get me off the Clonazepam, but because of what I told him...he decided it was best to keep me on them. I hate them so much. They cause my memory to disintegrate, and horrible insomnia on top of that. I told him that seven pills was a lot, and I think I offended him, because he said "do you want another psychiatrist?". I said no, because he is the best psychiatrist I've ever had...but it seems like I'm on too much medication. :/

After that, I waited in the mall for my mother. She took so long to show up. No surprise. Then she gave me $12, since her and my step dad both spent $12 on lunch without me. So we walked to the city market. I ran into Missy and her dad along the way. I feel bad that I haven't been hanging out with her much lately. Kat and Adam as well. I keep avoiding people. Anyways, I got a sandwich and milk for lunch. Yum! We did some shopping after that. We didn't buy a whole lot, but I did get some hair clips, black leggings for my Halloween costume, ten horror movies on DVD (which came in a tin box & it was $10!), etc. The horror movies include: The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, House on Haunted Hill, Night of the Living Dead, Nosferatu, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and more! Lots of classics for my Halloween horror movie marathon! ;D


I relaxed at home for a little while after that. And I had plans with BJ, so I was also waiting for him. Unfortunately he could only hangout with me for an hour, so we just went to dinner at Jungle Jim's. Afterwards, I decided to do something on my own. It was a big step for me, considering my social anxiety and agoraphobia have been bad recently. I was really nervous, but I caught a bus and went to the mall on the other side of town! :)

I had $30 in my budget for movies. I was originally just going to buy Mulholland Drive and Blue Velvet, but instead of being $15 and $12 at HMV (like it said on their website), they were two for $20! So I had an extra $8, which I used to buy The Craft and The Goonies at Wal-Mart ($5 each). I went a few dollars over budget, but oh well. I'm very happy with my purchases! Oh and I was going to buy two zebra print lamps at Wal-Mart (for my apartment), but I didn't have enough money. I suppose I should wait until I get a new bedroom set anyways. I may change my mind by then. ^_^


While I was waiting at the bus stop (to catch a bus home), I overheard some loud bitch spreading rumours about Gen. If you aren't aware, Gen is girl from my city that went missing a couple weeks ago. I met her a few times through friends. Really lovely girl. Anyways, the loud bitch was making up a bunch of shit. Saying things like her family abused her, her uncle sexually assaulted her, she ran away, she killed herself, a serial killer murdered her, etc. Just kept making up stuff and telling some old lady. I wanted to slap her. Oh my fuck, I had to wait for her to get on the bus before I even got close to the bus, because I would have slapped her. Disrespectful piece of shit. Ugh. -_-

At least I had something exciting to get my mind off that loud bitch; the new episode of Supernatural! Yes, season nine has begun! And I enjoyed it as I munched out on pumpkin pie and nachos. Yay! But due to having my "lady issues", I was quite cranky (mainly from cramps), and just ended my night by laying in bed and watching TV.

Wednesday was a completely unproductive day. Cramps made it nearly impossible to accomplish anything. And I was supposed to do more shopping, but I had to cancel. Instead I just chilled in my room, ate food, watched TV, painted my nails, browsed the web, etc. I also had a mini John Cusack marathon at the end of the night (I only watched Better off Dead & Say Anything...). Wooo! I love his movies from the 80's. :3


Thursday was pure awesome. Except for the fact I woke up late. I was supposed to hangout with BJ and his friend Jenna, but I slept in. So she dropped him off at my house and we chilled in my room for a little while. I asked him if I could have some of the tequila he had left and he said yes. It was the last time I could drink (because my medication was increased). Anyways, I was in a ton of pain. Ugh. Worst timing for cramps. So I waited for them to pass. Luckily they went away ten minutes before we had to leave. Good luck for once! :O

We met up with Kara at 7:30 pm at the bus stop by her house. Before heading to BJ's, I asked him if he had mix for the tequila, and he said no. So he went into the store to get some. While he was doing that, Gen's parents approached us and gave us a missing poster to pin up some place. I felt so bad seeing them. They looked destroyed. But I was kinda happy to get my hands on a poster of her. I was wondering where to get one. I want to do anything I can to help, and since I have so many mental issues at the moment...there is a limited amount of things I can do.

Anyways, we went to BJ's and played Trivial Pursuit again. I ended up smoking weed with Kara again (still no anxiety!), and got a little drunk too. We listened to music, smoked, talked and laughed. BJ had to do some studying whenever he got the chance. It was a great night. We made so many jokes. My favorite was when she compared our ex-friend to the woman on Family Guy who pops out babies constantly and has babies hanging from her boobs, LOL. And Kara fucked up singing The Twelve Days of Christmas. She said "5 French hens", "six French men" and "10 golden rings!". Then she tried to get BJ's mentally handicap aunt to help out and she went all the way up to 7, then started mumbling. We were laughing so hard that we couldn't breathe. xD

Kara had to go home early, so we walked her there. Its not safe around here anymore. Not even during the day. There are people missing, attempted kidnappings, among other things. Anyways, BJ got me a drive home, then I spent my night munching out on pizza pockets, beef stew and biscuits, and watching the new episode of American Horror Story: Coven. I'm not liking it so far. I mean...what the fuck is with Evan's character? He better come back! And everything seems confusing right now. I don't know...

Yesterday I woke up to chocolate cupcakes on my night stand, and I swear my very first thoughts were "is this the real life? is this just fantasy?", LOL. And I ate them all for breakfast. Yeah...that's what happens when you have "lady issues". Anyways, I was supposed to hangout with Kat and Adam, but I cancelled. I made up some bullshit excuse, because I was too embarrassed to admit that I was having bad anxiety.


Even though my anxiety was bad, I still had to get my prescription filled. And luckily my step dad gave me $10 for dinner. Although, I had no intentions of spending it on food. So yeah...I got my friend Matt to come with me, because like I said earlier; its not safe around here. So I bought cigarettes at the store, then we headed to the pharmacy. It didn't take long for my medication to be ready. But I later realized that they fucked it up. They didn't cut a fifth of my Clonazepam pills in half, and they gave me 300 mg of Wellbutrin instead of 450 mg. Oh well. Less chemicals to fuck with my head. :P

We went on a mini adventure afterwards, which led us to underneath the bridge. We had a bunch of random conversations. That went on for a couple hours. But it kept getting colder and bugs kept flocking around us. So we decided to go to McDonald's. Our journey there was long and difficult. We began joking that we were Frodo (Matt) and Sam (Me), and that we were on our way to Mordor (McDonald's). When we finally got there, he bought me some yummy food. I usually don't eat McDonald's...but damn, its delicious. :D

We walked uptown after that. And we kept walking the wrong way. Mostly my fault, LOL. But we eventually made it. And we sat by the bars for a while. We discussed my stories for a while, but the people in and around the bars were getting louder and louder. So we decided to leave. We walked to the high school around the corner from my house, sat and talked. We weren't there for very long though. I got tired, so he walked me home.

I didn't do anything interesting when I got home. But my penicillin ended! Yay! But unfortunately I had to start my new pills today. So far I'm not experiencing any side effects, which is good. But I don't like having to remember so many pills. I also made my homemade dip again! That is the only productive and interesting thing that I did today. My life is lame. I hope tomorrow will be better. -_-

P.S. My dad has started the David Lynch painting that I requested for Christmas. I think he is gonna send me a picture of how it looks so far. I'm excited! :D

Edit // October 13th @ 12:26 am: Spending my night watching Ghost Adventures. I'm kinda addicted to it thanks to my wifey Kara. Such an intense show! Makes me wanna be a paranormal investigator. :D

it's not all that glitters is gold

♪♫ Stand Up Jamrock - Bob Marley & The Wailers

New Halloween themed layout! I'm really proud of myself for this one, because I made everything myself (except for the bat pixels between the top links). I even made the background! I really like making my own graphics now. They may not be the greatest, but they are personal. So what do y'all think of it? :D

Today has been kinda rough. I felt depressed from the moment I woke up, and things kept making it worse. I had no plans with anyone for starters, so I just chilled in my room. I've been spending too much time at home and I'm going a little crazy. I also spent hours on this layout and it was extremely frustrating. At first I had no inspiration at all. I just knew that I wanted a Halloween theme. And I have no food left until I get groceries on Friday. So I've been borrowing food from my mother. Speaking of my mother...her yelling at me was the worst part of my day.

She yelled at me because she thinks I'm addicted to prescription pills. And she also thinks that I drink alcohol with the pills, and take a lot of other pills that I'm not supposed to. I don't know where she got that idea at all. I rarely drink, and when I do its only a drink or two. I only take the five pills I was prescribed to take everyday and I don't take other drugs. Occasionally I'll take a Tylenol if I'm in pain or melatonin to help me sleep, but the pharmacist said it was alright. I hadn't even spoken to her all day before her freak out. She just came in my room and acted like a psycho bitch. She even said that she wants to send me to rehab and get my psychiatrist fired. She says she is gonna call him and try to get my information. But its confidential, so she can't. But I'll let her figure that out on her own. ;D

I don't know why she tries to control my life. I'm a fucking adult. I buy my own stuff, and take care of myself. I'm just living here until I get an apartment. She has no right to tell me what to do or accuse me of anything with no proof. I'm so pissed. My psychiatrist is the best one I've ever had and I have no problem with the five pills I have to take. They've made me feel so much better since I started taking them. I'm happy. But she just can't handle that. She made it sound like she wants to do anything to get rid of me. I told her that she couldn't send me to rehab and get my psychiatrist fired if I tell them that she is lying, then she told me that she is gonna tell them that I'm lying. What the fuck!?

At least I get to have a wifey night with Kara tomorrow (unless she cancels the plan). Its long overdue. Apparently we are having a bonfire! The weather is getting cold, so we may not have much time left for bonfires. I hope we'll roast marshmallows and hot dogs! Oh and have lots of girl talk! So excited! :)

Oh my fuck, can you believe it? A blog without pictures! Its amazing! I usually always have at least one picture in my blog posts. This feels kinda weird. :P

you're dirty and sweet

♪♫ Get It On - T-Rex

Before I start; my cat was so cute last night! She usually avoids me, but she slept in my bed last night! She even watched Friends with me! I love when my cat wants to spend time with me. Its so rare. :3


Today was both a lovely and awful day. As soon as I woke up, I had to go to a dentist appointment (because my wisdom teeth have been causing me pain). I didn't know it was raining before I left my house and I didn't bring a jacket, but oh well. A little rain isn't a big deal. Anyways, the dentist confirmed it was my wisdom teeth that are the problem and informed me that I also have a gum infection. Apparently its pretty normal when your wisdom teeth are coming (because the skin breaks & bacteria can get in). So she gave me a prescription for penicillin. And that will help with my ear too (I think the gum infection spread to my ear - it feels kinda clogged). So I'm pretty happy about that. But then she told me the bad news: I need to get surgery to remove all four of my wisdom teeth. She gave me a folder and directions to a dental surgeon up the road, so that I could make an appointment. She also told me that it takes a while to get an appointment and they usually make a consultation appointment before the appointment for the surgery. And that my insurance may only cover a couple teeth, so I might have to wait until next year to get the other ones out.

So I left the dental office and kinda lingered around the mall for a bit. I was hesitant to go to the dental surgeon's office. So I checked my bank account (via the app on my phone), and my check came in! I made a mental note to go to the bank later and get my money out. My mom also texted me to tell me that she had arrived home, and that there was pizza for dinner. Yay! Anyways, I got some more candy corn at the dollar store with some change that I wanted to get rid of. I'm saving it to add to my giant bowl of candy for my Halloween horror movie marathon! :D

I finally went to the dental surgeon's office after that. I handed the secretary the folder that my dentist gave me and my insurance card. Before making an appointment, I asked her how many teeth my insurance would cover. And guess what!? She said all four! That was both good and bad news. Then she asked me if October 16th was good, so I said yes...thinking it was for the consultation. But no...it was for the fucking surgery! They apparently do the consolation right before the surgery now. And the 16th...that isn't very far away. I've never had a surgery before and I'm so scared! Not because I think they will fuck up somehow. Its because I'm scared of the pain. :'(

I decided to make myself feel better with a bit of shopping. I went to the bank, got my money out (also paid myself back for the money I borrowed from my savings - yay for doing good with my money!), and headed into the mall. I had to go into the book store, because...I just can't walk by it and not go inside. I love books too much. But I didn't end up buying a book. I actually got a lap desk instead! It was originally $32, but it was half price! Its so perfect! ^_^


Then I bought things from the drug store (phone card, grocery store gift card, strawberry milk & pocket Kleenex) and the dollar store ('no trespassing' sign, plastic storage bags, Halloween baking cups, pencil/pen holder & fake candles). And I'm still waiting for more money to arrive! Another $165 to be exact. So half will be spent on stuff that I need and half will be spent on stuff I want. I'm quite excited to do lots of shopping! And BJ is gonna help me. Not only with carrying the bags around, but with some discounts at his work. Yay! :)


When I finally got home, my mom wasn't there. Apparently she went out for coffee. So I put away all the stuff that I bought and began re-doing my budget for October. My mom showed up not long after that. And she gave me a cute planner with a cat and a dog on it! Then we discussed her trip, my surgery, my step dad being an asshole, etc. She told me that she will be coming to my surgery with me (I'll be really high & I'll need someone to help me get home safely & keep an eye on me). I'm pretty glad that I won't have to do it alone. :P


BJ showed up around 6:00 pm. He helped me out with my grocery list. Then he gave me a bus card, so now I'll have an extra $40 this month! I'm so happy! I'm using half to buy a DVD on Ebay, then saving the other half. I'm so grateful for the help I'm getting this month. Anyways, because of that, I had to re-do my budget for October again. After that; we had pizza, watched TV and cuddled. For some reason, we kept laughing during Untold Stories Of The ER. The acting was just so awful. I kinda feel like a bad person. xD

He went home kinda early, but its no big deal to me. He has midterms and has to do a lot of studying. So I've just been relaxing in bed, browsing the web and watching TV since then. I found out that a girl I know is missing via Facebook. I only met her once, but she was a sweet girl. And I'm friends with her brother. I hope they find her soon! I don't wanna hear another story about a young person being murdered or committing suicide or disappearing completely. Its so heartbreaking. Also, BJ told me that he will bring me flowers and ice cream after my surgery. He is so sweet. :) ♥

I almost forgot; I ordered two more items from Ebay (Eraserhead on DVD & Lost Highway on DVD). I gotta pay for them on Thursday, because that is when the money will go through to my PayPal account. I'm so happy! Especially because they were so cheap ($3 each)! But they're coming from Asia, so its gonna take quite a while for them to arrive. Its sooo worth it though! :)


Oh and one last thing: Happy October! It's finally begun! This is my favorite month of the year for so many reasons; colourful leaves, sweaters, pumpkin pie, Halloween, comfy blankets, hot chocolate, crisp fall air, etc. Its so exciting! I've already made so many plans! :D

our work is never over

♪♫ Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger - Daft Punk

I'm really drunk right now and its my first time writing a blog while drunk. I haven't been drunk in a long time. But I'm loving it right now. I'm a wild girl and I will always be. Its who I am. Set a drink in front of me and I will drink it. I straightened my hair for the first time in a long time, which was pointless because my hair got so fucked up by the end of the day. Anyways, I went to Megan's yesterday afternoon and she made a bunch of awesome food. The only thing I ate was Tostitos and dip. Plus a glass of Pepsi. It was amazing. Then I we chilled for a bit and Kat came to pick me up for a night of fun.

We went to the liquor store and I decided to get some liquor for the first time in a long time. Then we drove to the beach and had a bonfire. I was drunk as fuck by the end of it. Kat, Missy, Frans, Adam, Paul and Greg were there. Then we drove to the bunkers and found Vanessa. So we brought her along with us to Paul's apartment. It was amazing. I got even more hammered and we listened to awesome music and me and Kat became best friends again. I'm so glad I got her back after what happened a couple years ago. I fucked up so bad and I felt like shit. But we made up and I'm so glad. After Curry showed up, him and Paul decided to crash, so we had leave.

Kat, Vanessa and I had so many girl talks on the deck while smoking cigarettes. I missed having girl talks. I hardly have any friends that are girls. But Kat said she missed being best friends with me and I missed her too. She was one of the greatest best friends I've ever had. We made plans to go swimming on Sunday and we're gonna watch True Blood on Monday. We had such great talks and I just can't fully express my happiness about it. She is so great. I'm glad we cut that douchebag out of our lives and started fresh. We deserve better than him. He ruined our friendship and hurt us both. Fuck that asshole.

Before going home, Frans drove us to McDonald's and we got some awesome munchies. I got a Oreo McFlurry, which I haven't had in a long time. Then before we left, Adam told the lady working at McDonald's to "Have a McWonderful day" and it was hilarious. I told them all that I loved them and missed them before they dropped me off at my house. I'm beyond happy that I got this second chance to be Kat's best friend. And I'm beyond happy that I get to hangout with other people that I adore that stopped talking to me years ago. I got my friends back and that fucking idiot lost all his friends. I fucking win. Fuck him and all his drama. I'm glad my feelings went away for him. I deserve a ton better and I got someone who is amazing as fuck.


Basically I've had an amazing night. Plus my grandmother and grandfather gave me forty dollars (which is how I could afford liquor) and my mom gave me twenty dollars (which I'm using for swimming on Sunday). Oh and my mom bought me banana marshmallows! I didn't even ask her. But somehow she remembered my favorite candy. Fucking miracle, eh!? I get to see my sexy man tomorrow. Fuck, I love him so much. I wanna kiss his entire body. Is that too much info? Lmao. ♥

looking back over the years

♪♫ Alone Again, Naturally - Gilbert O'Sullivan

I've been so depressed for the past few days. I need to get out of here and I'm hoping I will get into housing. My appointment is tomorrow at 9:00 am. I'm so nervous. I cannot handle anymore abuse from my psychopathic mother. I'm not even exaggerating at all. Her own mother can't stand her and other members of my family refuse to speak to her. I'm not allowed to leave my room. I'm not allowed to check the mail. I'm not allowed to sit in the living room. I can't do anything. Its her fucking germophobia, OCD and anger problem. She wont acknowledge any of them. She just ignores it. I have OCD, but I don't act like a bat shit crazy lunatic on bath salts. She always freaks out and screams about everything. You literally cannot have a conversation with her. She is always screaming. Its always been that way. I feel like I was raised with no parents to be honest. She abandoned me a long time ago. She never spent time with me, she never spoke to me, she just ignored and screamed. But I guess all of that has made me a very independent person. A little too independent to be honest...

Enough of that angry rant. I just needed to get that off my chest. I don't often talk about my abusive past on here. Its hard for me. Plus I want to forget it. I really want to pretend I'm okay. I know now that I have to face the truth and my Psychiatrist told me that if I don't move out, I will never get any better. He said she is keeping me stuck and I can't move forward and I need to move out. He seemed really worried. And he also told me that I need to un-learn everything I've ever been taught as a child. I basically have to re-train my brain and its gonna take a really long time. Its sad, because the abuse has been going on for so long that quiet and happiness doesn't feel normal. I feel almost addicted to pain and suffering.

So besides that disaster, Sunday was not too bad of a day. Once again, I just spent my time playing Super Mario World and watching Doctor Who. In the evening I decided that I needed to get out. So I got a hold of my friend Matt and we went for a journey around the neighborhood. I really needed a good talk and some fresh air. Being stuck in here is driving me insane. I also got some Subway before going home. Oh and I ordered two more things online, since I got a refund from someone who sent me a broken product. I bought the book Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? and a deathly hallows necklace. Like usual, I fell asleep right after Bates Motel...which was insane and I'm dying to see season two now.


On Monday I was supposed to go to a BBQ that was celebrating my step dad getting through his first part of college. But I didn't feel well, so my mom made a couple cheeseburgers and they left. I spent all day playing Super Mario World and I made it really far. I'm one level away from Bowser's Castle! My brought cake back in the evening and I had two giant pieces. I kinda regret it, because I'm trying to watch my food intake, but when I'm stressed...I eat a lot. Thankfully I'm not really overweight. But still...

Tuesday started out bad...got good...then bad again. My mother was in a horrible mood, but thankfully I had plans with my boyfriend, so I didn't have to put up with her for long. My checkered sweater arrived in the mail, which was exciting. It fits perfect and its super comfy. But not long after that, my mom started freaking out again. I nearly had a panic attack, then I got screamed at for that too. So I just left and my boyfriend showed up and took me to Jungle Jim's for dinner. We spent some time walking around after that. We randomly seen a porta-potty floating in the harbour, which was kinda funny. Then he helped me get groceries and bring them to my house. Before taking my groceries inside, we sat outside, smoked and talked. I felt a bit better, but I still can't shake my depression. Its not gonna leave until I stop living here. But she didn't bother me anymore that evening. She just handed me another package that arrived for me and left. It turned out to be the Eraserhead shirt I ordered, which also fits perfect and is super comfy. Other than that, I just watched TV and fell asleep.


I was woken up at 7:30 am by my mother who asked me if I needed anything, because she was going shopping and she came back with pretty much nothing that I asked for. Then someone called for me twice and I ended up watching The Hangover. So I didn't have much sleep. Then when I woke up for good, I just watched That 70s Show, The Hangover Part II, listened to music and played Super Mario World. It sounds like a decent time, but its what I do every fucking day and I'm sick of it.

you fit me better than my favourite sweater

♪♫ Blue Jeans - Lana Del Rey

Ugh. I have a ton to write about again. First of all, my mother arrived home not long after my last blog and I finished watching the first season of Doctor Who, cleaning the apartment and having a shower, just in time. She seemed to be a good mood, which is unusual. So we got some munchies and watched Devil. That's pretty much it for that day.

On Monday, my Ginny Weasley Magical Mini Doll arrived! Its smaller than I thought it would be, but I love it so much. I've wanted it since I was twelve years old. I remember seeing it online and asking my family to buy it, but they were scared of buying things online. So now that I'm an adult, its mine! Also, I got an email that my Harry Potter Divination Sticker Kit had arrived at Cole's. So my boyfriend showed up and I got him to come with me to get it. Its bigger than I expected and its lovely! I put the crystal ball on my shelf, but I'm not sure what to do with the stickers. I also picked up some milk before heading home.

So we came back to my house for some dinner after our little adventure. My mom made us chicken and potatoes. We quickly ate, because we wanted to go for a walk. We ended up at the park down the road and also walked around a couple streets, looking at beautiful houses. It was really lovely. Too bad he had to go home early because he had to work early the next morning. But at least I got to watch the new episode of Bates Motel. :)


On Tuesday my book Wild at Heart by Barry Gifford arrived. Its not the cover I expected, but I love this one way more. Its got Laura Dern and Nicolas Cage on it, from the movie adaptation, made by my amazing role model Mr. David Keith Lynch. But as soon as I got the book, my mom's friend showed up to take us out for dinner. It was slightly awkward, but I made it through. Afterwards, my mom and I had to get groceries. I only had a few dollars so I got chocolate chip cookies and orange pop. I spent my evening listening to music I from my middle school days. Brought back memories, but most of it was really awful.


Wednesday was my 8 month anniversary with my boyfriend. 8 months isn't a long time, but we were best friends before dating and I'm crazy in love with that man. It was a lovely day. It started out with sharing a chicken poutine for dinner. After that, we went to the museum. They had an entire floor shut down, so there wasn't much to see. But we played chess for a little while and I had no idea what I was doing. At one point I said "you're the king of chess!" and my boyfriend said "we're playing checkers.", it was pretty great. Before leaving, we made out in the museum theatre, because no one was there.

We ran into a lot of our friends when we went outside. So spent a while hanging out with everyone and catching up on stuff. It was beautiful outside too. Very warm and sunny. For a little while, my boyfriend and I sat on a bench and listened to The Doors and Led Zeppelin. It was so relaxing. After all our friends left, he asked if I wanted to go for supper at Jungle Jim's. Obviously I said fuck yes. So we had a second date there. We had plans to go to the bars, but no one was free to go, so we just went by the beach bar and sat at the picnic tables and invited our friend to come hangout (she is only 18, so she couldn't come to the bars). She stayed for a little while and told us some really fucked up stories. A lot of people have changed. She ended up going home to eat, so we decided to go to the bar anyways and have one drink (just him, since I don't drink anymore).

I tried talking to him about our non-existent sex life and how frustrated I was that we haven't moved further. But we got interrupted by a drunk asshole and his girlfriend who sat down with us and started talking about a bunch of random stuff. He was just too up in our faces and quite awkward. So we made an excuse to leave and went into the mall. My boyfriend started having an anxiety attack (surprisingly I didn't have one, but I'm also on medication now...). Our friend worked in the mall and seen us, so he came over for a few minutes. I could tell my boyfriend was trying really hard to act normal, because he didn't want our friend to know. After our friend left, he said he wanted to walk. So we walked to my house and sat outside.

I calmed him down to the best of my abilities and apparently it worked. Once he got over the anxiety attack, I continued with the discussion about our sex life. He seemed very uncomfortable, but it had to happen. After talking for a couple hours, we both figured out why he is so nervous. Its hard to explain, but we are gonna work on it. Before he left, he kissed me and it was ridiculously amazing. That talk definitely helped. It was the most passionate kiss we've ever had. I actually fell over when it was done and he laughed at me.

My boyfriend was working on Thursday, so I went to hangout with Marcus. Beforehand, I had to cash my check and seen my friend Matt for an hour. Then I headed out. Megan and the kids were gone out, so it was just me and him, mostly. Except a couple friends showed up for an hour. But yeah...we pretty much just played Grand Theft Auto, ate munchies and talked about hilarious stories. He told me an embarrassing story that happened to him a few days ago. I'm not supposed to repeat it, but it has to do with pooping in a bag. I laughed so hard that I couldn't breathe. When Megan came back, I stayed a little while longer to see her too, then I headed home. I stopped at Subway first though, to get some supper. And when I got home, I watched the new episode of Supernatural. Then I ended my evening perfectly: by watching The Colbert Report and eating a cheese bagel. ^_^

Yesterday I was supposed to have an appointment early in the morning, but I cancelled it, because I was too busy with other things. I had Megan's daughter's first birthday party to go to. So my boyfriend and I stopped by Wal-Mart, put our money together and got her a present; two outfits and a Little Einsteins DVD. Then we found a cute card and a Minnie Mouse bag at the dollar store. We spent a little over $20, which is pretty good. We caught a bus and stopped at his house to sign the card, plus we had to wait for Marcus to come meet us, because we weren't sure where the party was (it was at Megan's friend's place).


I was dreading it, because I don't like kids and I don't like crowds of people that I don't know. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The party was Minnie Mouse themed (which I didn't know when I bought the bag). There was pop, chips and hot dogs to start out. I only had pop though. I went out for a cigarette several times because I was anxious. Especially when my ex-boyfriend showed up. Then we watched Megan open the gifts. I took a picture of her opening the one my boyfriend and I bought. She especially loved the shirt that said "perfect like mom". Cake was not long after that; and it was ice cream cake! I fucking love ice cream cake, but sadly I got a small piece. My boyfriend and I stayed for a few more minutes, then decided to leave so we said goodbye to everyone and headed to his house.

We were bored for the first little while at his house. Then we went up to his room and started intensely making out, which lasted for the entire time I was there. He almost passed out a few times when we would take a break, because he got no sleep the night before. So I left around 10:00 pm to let him sleep. Once I got home, there was a little package for me on my desk. It was the Lord of the Rings replica ring that I ordered! Its pretty awesome! Not much else happened after that. I just got something to eat, watched a bit of TV, then passed out.


Unfortunately my step dad is home for the weekend. I hate him so fucking much. I wish he would just leave forever. But I get to see my boyfriend on Monday, so that is something to look forward to. ^_^