today is where your book begins

♪♫ Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield

I can't believe that I'm writing another blog so soon! My motivation is definitely back! I'm sooo happy! Yesterday was an unexpectedly good day. Matt went job searching, I did a lot of writing, then I just felt really bored for a while. I was thinking of things to do, then I remembered seeing a poster at Starbucks for a play; Alice Through The Looking Glass. I looked it up online and it turns out that the theatre isn't far from where I live, the tickets were only $15 and it wasn't sold out! So I asked Matt's mum if I could borrow the money, and thankfully she agreed. I was so excited! :D

I actually had to wait a few hours until she got off work. So while I waited, I decided to download a bunch of movies. Ones I have never seen before and ones that I wanna re-watch. Mostly kid's movies from the '80s - '90s (Hook, Labyrinth, The Pagemaster & more!). I won't have the time to watch them until next weekend though. I'm thinking a big marathon with lots of munchies and a big fleece blanket? Yeah...that sounds perfect. ^_^

So anyways, Matt's mum drove straight from work to pick me up. It took us a little bit to actually find the theatre. But we did find it...obviously. I was thinking it would take a minute to buy a ticket and leave. But I seriously couldn't find anyone for ten minutes. I searched the entire building. It was eerie. When I finally made my way back to the front door, the play director came out of nowhere. So I finally got to buy the ticket! On an unrelated note; I also got a text message from BJ. He wanted me to come chill with him and Missy. He picked a pretty good time to ask, since Matt's mum was willing to drive me. Because if had been home, I would have said no. I hate walking, LOL. xD


Chilling with BJ and Missy was awesome. We walked around. Both outside and inside. Had hilarious and weird conversations. Matt joined us when he was done job searching. Then we all went to Jungle Jim's, which was an amazing time. We didn't have a whole lot money, so we all shared The Kitchen Sink (basically a pile of random food - enough to feed a family), which is only $25. We all had water to drink, except for BJ. He decided to get The Hurricane. Which is giant liquor filled drink that will surely get any person at least buzzed, LOL. And we took a bunch of silly pictures (mainly making fun of people on Instagram). We forgot to take one of BJ though. Oops, haha. :P



We went to a bar afterwards. But everyone was broke. So we just watched BJ get drunk and play the slot machines, haha. I didn't mind though. However...I wasn't a fan of going outside every ten minutes (BJ & Missy are smokers). It was really cold. Ugh. But y'know what? The best part of the entire day was just the fact I got out of the house. I'm so proud of myself! My Agoraphobia and depression are fading away! :3

Today started out a little bit stressful. Matt and I had a small fight. I don't really wanna go into detail though. So anyways, I got all dressed up, did my makeup and attempted to make my hair look fancy (not sure if I did though?). Then Matt walked me to the theatre for Alice Through The Looking Glass! The play was awesome. I wasn't sure what to expect to be honest. But the kids were so great! Especially the girl who played Alice! Not only did I get a good seat with a good view, I also got some great pictures! I need to go to plays more often. They're so magical. ^_^


I ran into Matt on my way home. He bought me chilli for dinner. Then I found flowers on the bed when I got home, and he gave me a back rub! He told me that he had walked around outside the entire time I was at the theatre. Doing what? Picking flowers to give me! Awww. Too cute! Best boyfriend ever? Fuck yeah! Oh, plus he apologized for the fight we had. Which was his fault. But I understand why he was upset, so we're working on it. ♥ ♥ ♥


Since then, I've pretty much just been spending time with Matt. Its going quite lovely! Right now he is making pizza for us. Then I'm gonna pick out a movie for us to watch. Depending on how full we are after the pizza, I may make popcorn too. I'm not sure yet. But I do know that we'll have a good night no matter what we do. ;D ♥

look into the eyes of the sun

♪♫ Blinded By The Light - Manfred Mann's Earth Band

I don't remember what I did the day after my last blog, but I do remember that I woke up early and forced myself to go to bed early (because of my early morning appointment with the psychiatrist - who looks like Doctor Who!). I fell asleep around 1:30 am and woke up at 2:30 am because I got sick. I fell asleep again pretty quickly, then woke up at 8:15 am and got to my appointment with my psychiatrist for 9:00 am. It went pretty well. I basically found out what I have: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Agoraphobia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. I already knew about most of them for a long time, but OCD is a new one. I got prescribed two different pills: Valium and Desvenlafaxine. I have to take a low dose of Valium twice a day for six months and the Desvenlafaxine once a day for the rest of my life, most likely.

Oh and my mom called and got everything set up for me to get disability money every month. I could be wrong, but I think its close to $1000 every month. It could also be getting old checks from the past two years that I've been unemployed and suffering from mental illness, which could be up to 27,000 dollars. If I do get that money, I'm getting all new furniture for my room (including a queen size bed, because I currently sleep on a twin that I've had since I was nine), new computer, a game system with games, clothes, a new phone, a few more random things, but I'd save most of it for college or something.

Friday was so great. My boyfriend took me out for dinner (pizza & poutine!), then we went to see Sweeney Todd, the live play version. It was amazing and I adored the woman who played Mrs. Lovett. She was the perfect amount of crazy and hilarious. I kinda wanna see it again! Anyways, afterwards we got some cigarettes and junk food, then headed to his house so he could grab his liquor. We went to Austin's to hangout with him and a few others. Everyone drank except for me and I watched them all play Lord of the Rings Risk. After we left at 4:00 am, we walked around till 5:00 am, just having great conversations. Then I cabbed home and passed out.

I woke up late yesterday (feels weird saying that considering I haven't gone to bed yet) which I wasn't happy about. But I didn't really do anything exciting. Just laid in bed and browsed the internet and listened to music. A few hours ago I started feeling really depressed, so I went for a walk, had a cigarette and bought chilli from the pizza place around the corner. I'm feeling a lot better now. But I'm still a bit disappointed that my boyfriend couldn't make it over to see me. But its understandable because he had a hangover and he fell down the stairs. Also, the bowler hat that I wanted is no longer on Ebay, so I can't get it. But I found something else I'm gonna buy instead, so its all good. :)

And I have a new favorite movie: Wild at Heart! It makes me even more excited about buying a David Lynch shirt next week. That man is just a pure genius. ♥

it was a graveyard smash

♪♫ Monster Mash - Misfits

I spent Sunday and Monday watching American Horror Story after my last blog, and I've finished it! It was amazing and I can't wait for season 3! I just adore Jessica Lange and Evan Peters...just so cute. Season 2 (Asylum) is my favorite. Anyways, now that I've finished it and all my favorite shows are on a two week break...I have nothing to watch and its driving me crazy! I'm so bored and I have no idea what to do.

Tuesday was such a rough day. My "lady issues" started two weeks late and more painful than usual. I had a bath, took Tylenol and spent all day in bed. Yesterday was better. I wasn't in as much pain and my boyfriend brought me Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream and we watched the reveal of the new pope. He didn't stay long because he had to study, but I was grateful. I ended up going to bed at 3:30 am and waking up at 11:30 am, which is awesome because I usually go to bed at 9:00 am and wake up after 6:00 pm.

Today was a really good day. After waking up early, I took a shower, got ready and went to Kara's house. We went for a walk, then watched half of Wrong Turn 5 (I had to go before her mom got home). I spent half an hour with BJ before I went home. When I got home, I got my monster bag in the mail, a letter from my grandmother with a scratch ticket and money, and chocolate bars from my mom. Then my friend Tristan asked me if I wanted to see the Circus with her because she had an extra ticket. I said yes, although I didn't know what she meant by "circus". It turned out to be The New Shanghai Circus (performing at the Imperial Theatre), which was a lot of acrobat type stuff. It was amazing! I got some Subway afterwards, then got a drive home. Now here I am. :)

I've had the best day that I've had in a long time!

'cause baby i don't scare

♪♫ Human Fly - The Cramps

The day after my last blog was a wonderful day. I went on a date with my boyfriend to a dinner theater. It was his work Christmas party. I had some pretty bad anxiety at first, but it turned out to be awesome. I had roast beef with potatoes for dinner and my boyfriend had chicken stuffed with ham and cheese with potatoes. I also had a few drinks, which got me half drunk and made my anxiety a lot more bearable. We spent a little bit of alone time together after the dinner theater, then he walked me home. :)

The next day, I spent the entire day working on my blog and watching movies. I also came up with a name for my phone. Yes, I name my technology. Is that weird? Oh well...I named my phone Luna. I'm getting my Blackberry Playbook next week, so I need to come up with another name. Also, I told my boyfriend I wanted Arwen's Evenstar necklace. Its $160 plus tax, on the official merchandise site. I told him to buy it for a really special occasion (most likely our one year anniversary). I never usually ask for expensive gifts, but he wanted to buy me expensive jewelry and I love Lord of the Rings. It would make my ten year dream come true of owning the necklace. :D

On Monday, I came up with this Christmas layout, featuring Kermit the frog from A Muppet Christmas Carol. Its my all time favorite Christmas movie. I watched it way too many times when I was a kid. I also relaxed, watched movies and spent time with my boyfriend. He didn't come over for very long. He is really busy with work and school. But it was nice to see him. I wish he could somehow just get a week off from his busy life and spend the entire week with me. I only see him once or twice a week. :(

Tuesday was a stressful day. I went to my appointment for anxiety, which went well. The woman said she would call me back this week. Then I went to see my friends for a while. I ended up finding something out that upset me. A guy that I've had feelings for, for five years...has felt the same way as me...for the same amount of time. He told my friend that I was his dream girl. And I thought I was over him, until I heard that. We never really dated (just a couple weeks of drunken fun), but I've always felt so attracted to him. So I decided to text him and ask him the truth.

It was true. He does. He told me that he tried to ignore the feelings for a long time, but then he couldn't anymore (which is where the two weeks of drunk fun came from). But nothing came from it, because he was dating a girl on and off the entire time. Then we didn't talk for two years, until recently. Anyways, he also told me that he has a hard time controlling himself around me and I was always the one he couldn't stay away from. I told him that I felt the same way. And it was such a relief to get that off my chest after five years.

I honestly believe that I love him. I'm not in love with him, but I love him. And I don't know if the feeling will ever go away. But I will never act upon it. Because I'm in love with my boyfriend and this guy...I may love him, but he has problems and there is too many complications involved. And I told my boyfriend about everything. He was very understanding and happy that I told him the truth. No problems there, thankfully. And he is friends with the guy. Everyone knows that everyone else knows. But we're all choosing to just be friends. I'm really happy that it turned out good. And I'm happy that I can keep the guy in my life as a friend.

I did do a lot of crying that night. I wasn't able to cry for a really long time and I just felt so relieved that I bawled my eyes out. It was both a happy and sad cry. It feels nice to have a good cry every once in a while. My mom cheered me up by buying a pizza for us and some cream soda. I got to relax and watch The Drew Carey Show to get my mind off of everything.

Today (well technically yesterday because its past midnight), I spent the entire day re-arranging furniture, cleaning and organizing my room. I got rid of more stuff, got rid of a shelf (it broke when I tried to move it, so I had to throw it away), found some awesome stuff and whatnot.

my room looks way better!
I just wish that I had a queen size bed instead of a single bed.

the awesome stuff I found!
A version of The Hobbit from the 70's. I'm gonna read it again before I go see the movie, because its been a long time and I barely remember it. And a cute turtle toy turtle that I've decided to name Alfie and two knitted stuffed animals that my mom bought for me; Bert and Rosie. They're a couple. :)
I had a nice relaxing bath after all my hard work. Then I made Kraft Dinner and hot dogs for supper. So my evening ended pretty well. Now I'm gonna go to sleep. I gotta wake up somewhat early tomorrow. But before I go...

happy birthday to my best friend kara!

i don't care as long as you're mine

♪♫ Slutgarden - Marilyn Manson

Yesterday was a pretty awesome day. I woke up early (which fucking sucked) and got ready to go to my dad's. Along the way we stopped to pick up my shirt at the tailors and get some food at the grocery store. The shirt turned out exactly how I wanted it...except its way too big. So I think I need to get it altered again.

When I got to my dad's, we headed downtown right away. We were only walking around for an hour and a half, but it felt like an entire day. I had period cramps, I was breaking in new shoes and the heat was ridiculous. But I did manage to buy some pretty awesome shit (The Munsters shirt, anarchy socks & a skull bandanna).

After shopping, we went back to his place and he left to get us KFC for supper. Then we watched Youtube videos, Stephen King movies and Breaking Bad episodes. It was a pretty great night. However, sleeping didn't go so great. I ended up having the same re-occurring dream that I've been having for over a year. Its about someone that I badly hurt and I finally snapped. I decided to cancel going to Shakespeare By The Sea and instead; I wrote a six paragraph apology and sent it to the person via Facebook. I hope the dream stops. I swear, I have that dream at least once a week. :(

Ever since then, I've been listening to music and downloading music. I'm also having awful cigarette cravings. I've been smoke free for a month and I don't think I can do it any longer. I need a cigarette. So fucking badly. Oh and I'm really homesick. I miss my friends so much. Its killing me.

my whole world stands still

♫ Close To You - Aselin Debison

For the past few weeks I've been feeling sick. I'm not sure what it is. I have heartburn, I've puked a couple times & whenever I eat I get nauseous. I'm planning on going to the doctor soon, but honestly; what the hell could it be? I'm really curious. Because I've never had anything like this before. Hopefully its something that can be fixed with medication. I don't wanna be hooked up to machines & drinking food from a straw.

A couple days ago, I went to Value Village with my grandmother. I bought a really cute top & a calendar with a cat on it. But while I was there, looking at the furniture & decorations, I started thinking; I need to buy new stuff for my apartment! I have everything I need for my bedroom & bathroom, but my living room, dining room & kitchen look terrible!

See what I mean...

Bedroom » I love my bedroom, I really do. Theres a few things I'd like to add to it, like; fairy lights, a canopy for my bed & an alarm clock that I can plug my ipod into. But even if I don't get those things, I still love my room.

Bathroom » I don't even like the color pink, but I like the way my bathroom looks. Its cute & simple. Nothing needs to be changed or added to it.

Living Room, Dining Room & Kitchen » Its awful. First of all; I've gotten rid of the brown coach since this picture was taken. Now, moving on...the only thing I like about my living room/dining room is the pink coach & coffee table. So I'm keeping them, but the TV stand is falling apart, the table is broken & only one of the chairs is usable. Plus there is a big open space (you can't see it in the picture). So I'm planning on buying a new TV stand & a new table with chairs. Also, to fill up the empty space I'm getting a computer desk (finally I'll have a place to put that damn computer chair) & a recliner. Now the kitchen...its kinda messy in this picture. But anyways, I think my kitchen is too plain. It needs some color & decorations.

View » This is kinda random, but I thought I'd show everyone the view from my bedroom window. This is actually my favorite part about my apartment. The only thing that bugs me is that stupid fence that gets in the way.

So my best friend Robyn is gonna help me with picking out furniture, decorations & colors. Shes really a life saver! I don't think I'd be able to do this alone. Plus it gives us more time to spend together. I cannot wait to get started!

Last night I went to see a Shakespeare By The Sea production. It was one of my favorites; Twelfth Night. Viola is one of Shakespeare's best characters. I love how she takes her brother's place & is willing to serve the Duke in her brother's stead. My favorite part was when Olivia fell in love with Viola (who was dressed up as her brother). She kept backing away when Olivia got close & making funny faces, haha. xD

Well thats about all I have to talk about. I'm going to return comments, then its supper time! Goodbye for now!