One more week until I move!

♪♫ Nothing

That’s right! Just one more week! I can’t believe how fast time has flown by! Feels like it was just a week ago that I decided to move! Right now I’m feeling very excited, but a little nervous. I’m not sure if that nervous feeling will diminish or get stronger over the next week..

Right now I’m waiting for my new bed to arrive. My anxiety level is kinda high. Not entirely sure why. I don’t even have to do anything.. just stand there and let them switch the beds. I suppose it might have to do with the fact I’m a private person, and they have to go into my bedroom. I don’t like people in my personal space. It makes me uncomfortable.

I had yet another dream last night about falling in love. I don’t even know who the guy was, but he was cute. And I woke up with all those tingly love feelings. Y’know.. those ones you get when you first fall in love? I haven’t felt those feelings in years. I think I only felt them once to be honest. But I can’t wait to feel them again. I’m still sticking to being single for one year (to get my shit together), but after that.. I’m gonna be sleepless with thoughts of fairytales.

This blog is a bit all over the place.. lol.. so.. I’m not sure how I’m gonna spend my last week here. I’m thinking I’ll probably be doing last minute packing, watching Supernatural, reading fan fiction, and visiting with my friends one more time. Ugh. I’m really gonna miss them! Especially Kara. I seen her the other night, and I gave her half of the Tardis bff necklace set that I bought. She is the Clara to my Doctor. ❤

Also, lately I feel like I’m finally being myself. For years I struggled badly with identity issues. I didn’t know who I was. I went through many fazes that went into my adult years. I was emo, punk, hippie, geek, and a few more. None of them felt right.. except for being a geek. But whenever I was being a geek, I didn’t have a drinking or drug problem. I guess being a geek made me more tame. But having PTSD, and being in an abusive situation.. I couldn’t commit to being a geek. I needed to be not sober. All the time. So now that I’ve finally cut the abuse out of my life, I am happy being a geek. I don’t need to drink or do drugs anymore.

The only sucky part is that I only met my friends because of my drinking and drug problem. They’re all addicts, or used to be. And now that the liquor and drugs have been taken out of the equation, it turns out that we have nothing in common. So I’ve gotta meet new friends. I’m pretty nervous about it. Especially because I’ll be doing it a new city. I’m hoping for two girl friends who are geeks. Stylish and social geek girls though. Like me! Two would be awesome. My own little trio!

What a weird dream...

♪♫ Nothing

Before I get into the details of the weird dream that I had last night, I’d like to start this off with a weird thing that happened before the dream occurred. Basically I woke up out of a dead sleep at exactly 2:00 am. I don’t know why, but I instantly looked at my clock upon waking up. And my first thought was “something is wrong”. It was so strange. I just felt this overwhelming sense that something awful was about to happen or currently happening. I felt scared. But then, a minute later, I fell back asleep again.

My dream was really odd. It started out with my dad and his friend showing up to help me move (which is actually happening in two weeks). But in my dream (and in reality), I hadn’t finished packing yet. But they didn’t care. They just took the stuff I had already packed and left the rest behind. So, for some odd reason, I drove myself to Halifax. On the way there, I decided that I was going to see the movie Explosion in Halifax (apparently named so because they didn’t want to have it confused with the actual Halifax explosion) after having seen the previews for it (not a real movie). It was starring Steeve Coogan as a Navy officer, and Neil Patrick Harris as a goofy new recruit. It appeared to be some sort of comedy. And it had actually been filmed in Halifax. How exciting!

When I arrived there, I went to some sort of.. Navy recruiting place? My grandmother was waiting for me in the parking lot. As soon as I signed up, my grandmother told me that she had to get something in the car (a camera I think). But when she left, the Navy.. officers? They forced me to get on a boat, without saying goodbye to my grandmother! So I freaked out, and got off and ran back to my grandmother’s car and told her that I wanted to go home. I’m pretty sure that is illegal.. to just leave the Navy in that way. But in my dream, it didn’t seem to matter.

So as we were driving home, Halifax began flooding.. like crazy. Water was pretty much consuming the city. But no one seemed freaked out. In fact, my grandmother drove on top of the fucking water like it was a mild inconvenience. So eventually, we get to an apartment building. My grandmother and I go to the top floor of the building. And then she opens the door of an apartment. Immediately upon entering, I am in awe. Its beautiful. It even has a balcony with a beautiful view of the city line. And all my stuff is already there! Turns out that my family had gotten me my own apartment!

Then I can hear my dad, his friend, and my grandfather talking as they bring more of my stuff up the stairs. But I remembered that some of my stuff was still back in SJ, so I demanded that we go back, so that I could get my stuff. They agreed, but I woke up not long after that..

I think that its clear I’m having a lot of anxiety about moving.

Edit at 3:33 pm: I just ordered a little treat for myself.. an anti-possession symbol necklace! I was re-watching some episodes of Supernatural earlier, and thought checking Ebay for some cheap Supernatural items would be fun (like I don’t already own too many.. lol). The anti-possession necklace is something I’ve wanted for a long time, but it was always $15 plus shipping, which is too pricey for me. However, this time around, they’re only $1.15 plus free shipping from China. Awesome! The only downfall is that I won’t get it until the middle of June. Oh well. It’ll be worth it!

it looks like up to me

♪♫ Been Down So Long - The Doors

I feel bad that I rarely write blogs anymore and don't keep in touch with people as often as I'd like to. I've been going through a hard time for a while now. I'm not sure if I blogged about this before, but; I cut my mother out of my life four-ish months ago. For those who don't know; she was abusive my entire life. A completely toxic person. And the main reason that I have so many mental issues. Well, those mental issues have not gotten a lot better to be honest...:/

My general level of anxiety has decreased. I don't always feel like something bad could happen at every moment. I mostly feel safe. But I feel very depressed. I feel like I'm slowly sinking into a deep depression and I'm not even trying to stop it. Most of the time I'll say that I have no particular reason for being depressed, because I have clinical depression...and I just get depressed sometimes. But in this case...I'm depressed for a reason. I lost my mother. She isn't dead, but she isn't in my life. And no one in my family speaks to her either. So I have no idea if shes even doing alright. And of course; I'm living in a city with no family whatsoever. My friends are great and I appreciate them helping me...but its not the same. :'(

I hear people talk about their mothers and I feel jealous. I don't like feeling jealousy. I'm not generally a jealous person. But the feeling also arises when I'm out in public and I see mothers with their children. I miss my mother. And I know that I can't have her back in my life. But I can't help and wish that she'd somehow be the normal and loving mother that I've always wanted. It haunts my daydreams. And my dreams at night. Which leads me to another big problem for me; insomnia. Trust me when I say; I've tried everything. My doctor has me on a high dosage of sleeping pills, but they aren't even working! How frustrating is that? I barely managed to fall asleep last night. I had to drink two cups of camomile tea, take my sleeping pills, take melatonin, take my nighttime anxiety medication and force myself to shut my mind off. -_-

I've come to realize that the mind is like an egg. Too much pressure and it cracks. And its possible to seal the cracks...but the cracks will always be there. Those little lines will be visible forever. They don't fade. So I will always have those emotional scars. But I'm hoping to seal the cracks. I want to write. Not just as a hobby, but for a living. I want to publish novels. I want to see my novels in stores. I want to do book signings. Its my biggest dream. But it can't happen while I'm in this state. How can I do anything productive when getting out of bed is difficult? Hell, even just doing things like eating or taking a shower is hard. And nothing makes it more difficult than going through it completely alone. I don't leave my house. My boyfriend works a lot. My friends are always busy. I hate it. Loneliness is the worst feeling there ever was. :S

"I don't know how to be normal."...this is a feeling that I've felt all of my life. And I thought that I felt it alone. But I have met some people who also feel the same way. It sounds like something you'd hear from a 15 year old kid going through an emo faze, but this is something I think that any survivor of prolonged abuse has felt or does feel. There are also the feelings that I did something wrong. That I deserved it. That maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. That I shouldn't burden people by talking about it. That I'm crazy. But I suppose that is all just a part of my PTSD. I've been diagnosed with nearly ten mental disorders, but PTSD is by far the worst in my opinion...:(

Nightmares. This goes back to my insomnia. And probably one of the main reasons for it...I have nightmares every night. Absolutely awful ones that leave me shivering through the day. They started when I stopped talking to my mother. No coincidence. I will admit that they have gotten a little better. When they began, it was mostly the same theme in every dream; my mother was a serial killer/cannibal and was trying to kill me. Slowly that progressed into nightmares about her controlling my life. And now my nightmares start out like normal dreams, but then she shows up and hurts me. She'll call me names and start hitting me. Or she'll drag me away from where I'm at and take me home. Although, it feels a lot less like home and a lot more like prison. And sometimes the old nightmares come back. Like I haven't moved forward at all. I wish these nightmares would end. D:

I don't think I should feel ashamed for writing this blog. I don't want pity. I just wanted people to know that I'm ill. I'm very sick. I don't need advice. I don't want cliche replies. I just want people to understand. I know its hard for a lot of people to wrap their heads around mental illness. There are still people who don't believe that its real. But it is, unfortunately. Treat me like you'd treat someone with a throat infection or a broken leg. If you wanna say anything to me; just tell me that you wish for a speedy recovery or hope that I get well soon. And thanks to everyone who has already helped me in one way or another. :)

you wanna kick them blues

♪♫ Cocaine - Eric Clapton

Hello again! Alright, so on Monday we had to finish cleaning because an inspector was coming over. We got the house SOOO clean. I'm amazed. And my bedroom is almost finished! So exciting! Unfortunately my lady issues decided to start up that day... which sucked.

Yesterday I woke up super early and went shopping with my mum. It went bad. I was having cramps, it was hot outside and I was bitchy. Which made my mum bitchy too. So we were fighting all day. And I ended up going home early. I cried in bed. Then we apologized to each other. I decided to finish cleaning my bedroom and now it looks amazing! I got rid of so much stuff too! All I have left to do is finish painting the last quarter of the room, put the rest of my posters up and wait for my brand new queen size bed to arrive! I'm beyond excited!


Today I cancelled going to work. My cramps were bad. So I relaxed in bed for a while. I had a weird dream... I was the queen of a boat that had been sailing for two years and I somehow had powers to control the sea, LOL. Anyways, I spent most of my day on the couch with food, watching Dateline. Matt's mom picked me up and took me to get my prescription filled. They said it would take 25 minutes and we waited for half an hour, but they said it would be another 20 minutes! They are ridiculous! So we decided to wait till the next day to pick it up. I had a few dollars, so I bought three Wunderbars and Bubblegum soda for a treat. Then I went home and watched Urban Legend. I actually loved it!


Also happy four year anniversary to my blog! :)

babe with the power

♪♫ Magic Dance - David Bowie

I'm really not feeling well right now. My depression is weighing down on me. I definitely need to get out again soon. Ugh. It feels like I'm struggling so hard just to be moderately depressed. But despite all of that, I'm going to write a blog anyways. I'll begin with Sunday; I went to my mum's for the day (& got to see my babygirl; Lissa!). We were supposed to do sewing and planning for our shops, but we were both not feeling good. So instead, we just ate a bunch of food and a had a horror movie marathon. They were all ones that I haven't seen yet. I think my favorite was The House At The End Of The Street. I only watched it because of Jennifer Lawrence and Max Thieriot. And they didn't let me down! Oh and I ended up staying the night at my mum's too...:O


I know what you may be thinking. Why the fuck would I stay the night there? Well...my mum was upset and I needed a break too. However...my night was brutal. I had food poisoning and couldn't sleep at all (because I didn't have my medication). And another bad thing happened on Monday afternoon. I had woken up early for breakfast and began watching more horror movies. My mum went out for her hair appointment for a little while, so I borrowed her tablet and took some pictures of myself (only one turned out right though). When she got back, she brought more munchies. Yay! But not long after that...my step dad came home. He was flipping out about my mother apparently stealing $500 from him, which is bullshit. No way she would have stolen it. I think he is lying and trying to manipulate her. Ugh. Fucking bastard. -_-


My mother was feeling scared (because my step dad has a violent history), so she asked me to stay for a while. I didn't really want to...but I got more food and I got to watch more horror movies. That really wins me over apparently, LOL. Anyways, I ended up leaving in the late evening. My mum paid for me to get a taxi home. Matt was very happy to see me. And I was happy to see him. Strange how you appreciate people more when you don't see them for a little while...^_^

Yesterday was a really boring day. I honestly can't think of one interesting thing that occurred. Well...except for my dream last night...I had a dream that I was a middle Eastern girl, I had my own car and went to high school. I also wore a Hijab. Anyways, I had one friend in the dream. A girl I went to middle school with. Her name is Katie. She is really dorky and awkward, but pretty awesome. In the dream she collected handfuls of fingernail clippings, because they held magic wishing power. Yeah, you heard that right, LOL. So I had a crush on my ex-boyfriend in the dream. He was playing basketball and I was watching him. He spoke to me occasionally, but he didn't show much interest. So I decided to use the...nail clippings to make a wish. I wished for him to tell me how he really feels about me. So after making my wish, I found him in the library. He was headed for the bathroom and told me to wait outside so that he could talk to me afterwards. But I heard him talking about me and how he hates me. I was so upset. I ran through the halls of the school. I took my Hijab off and threw it behind me. I heard guys whistling at me, but I didn't care. And then the dream ended because I really had to pee, LOL. xD

So far, today has been pretty productive...I guess. I got my first order of fabric from Spoonflower in the mail. I love it! Although...the Arwen fabric is a bit blurry. Ahhh. Oh well. It was a test piece anyways. I'm hoping to start sewing next week. I can't wait to make tons of awesome products! I also can't wait for the last order of fabric to arrive! Wooo! :D


After that excitement; I made peanut butter cookies, did some dishes, did some laundry, did my budget, and made myself dinner (Matt & his parents went to see some of their family for the evening). Oh and I also ordered a white Kobo mini! I know that I said I'd never get an e-reader. But I did a lot of thinking. It'll be great for travelling. I can have hundreds of books on a device that will easily fit into my purse instead of packing a bunch of books (which I actually do...). I'm also poor. I get a bit of extra money, but not a lot. So I'll be able to download free books online and read them on the Kobo mini! I'm also making covers for e-readers soon. So I can use it to help me. Oh and it was a great price! It was only $65 with tax and shipping. Yay! :3


I found a super cute felt Harry Potter sleeve on Etsy that would be perfect for the Kobo mini...but its $30 + shipping. I don't know if I can afford that right now. But whenever I get the money, its gonna be mine! Well, that is pretty much it. I'm just gonna watch TV for the rest of the evening. I'm pretty bored right now. :/

there's nothing i can do

♪♫ Space Oddity - David Bowie

Its almost 5:00 am right now, and I'm writing a damn blog. Why? Because I can't fucking sleep. Ugh. I think its the excitement of getting the internet yesterday (even though I wanna say today because I haven't slept yet). But besides being dead tired and cranky as hell...I'm so glad the internet finally got hooked up! I was going insane without it...:P

Yesterday morning is when the installation occurred (side note; I had an odd dream about my ex-boyfriend...). I had just finished my bowl of Lucky Charms when the guy arrived. And he didn't take long at all! Before I knew it, we were all browsing the internet on our electronics, LOL. Matt was driving me a little crazy with hours of loud YouTube videos about nonsense. But I didn't say anything. I was preoccupied with my netbook. :3

I also did a bit of shopping in the afternoon. Matt's mom drove me to the strip mall in the north end. I got a large red water bottle, a double sided mirror, a zebra print manicure set, etc. And I picked up my prescription, plus got lots of yummy food and drinks for Matt and I. We had somewhat of a date when I got home. We stuffed our faces, cuddled and watched Ted. So romantic, LOL. xD

I got pretty sucked into the internet after that. I made a phone call to my grandmother via Gmail...and realized that I need a new headset. But I mostly tried to hunt down stuff for my bedroom online. Not a whole lot of luck with that. But I did find a brand new MP4 Player for $25. It looks just like an old iPod nano, it has 16gb of memory, and it has great reviews from people! I have high hopes! I also ordered a new case/stand for my Blackberry Playbook. Its zebra print, of course. ^_^


I didn't really do much other than that. However...I'm on a hunt to find a phone holder in the form of a mini moon chair. Preferably in the color black. So far I haven't had any luck. If you see one floating around the internet for a good price; let me know! I'll post some examples below. :D


I wanna say "I hope something exciting happens today", but its Sunday...so that is unlikely. Ahhh. D:

Edit at 10:19 pm: I was right. Today sucked. :P

into the magic night

♪♫ In Dreams - Roy Orbison

I had a pretty amazing day yesterday. Although, I was slightly annoyed when I woke up. My mum promised that she would get my prescription filled for me, but she didn't. Ugh. And I was in pain (bladder infection). So I had to go out myself and get it. On a more positive note; I checked the mail on my way out the door, and there were two packages for me! It was some of the things I've ordered; two used books and a DVD. I'm very pleased with the books, but the DVD keeps skipping. I'm trying to get a refund right now. I'm kinda pissed about it. -_-


Anyways, I went to the pharmacy up the road to fill my prescription. I was too lazy to take the bus to the pharmacy that I usually go to (which I regret - because the one up the road charged me $4 & its usually free). I also mailed some Christmas cards, picked up some stuff for my mum, bought myself some stuff that I need (mostly makeup - which is so expensive -_-), and bought a box of peppermint tea for my mum and I. Yum!

The evening was just...so awesome. I met up with Kara for a wifey night. We were all dressed up and feeling great. First thing we did was go to the liquor store. Kara bought us strawberry daiquiri coolers. Then we met up with her friend Mike to smoke a joint. I wasn't in the mood for getting stoned (more for them, I guess :P), so I went into the nearest store and bought a crossword instead (& I didn't win, sadly - I had such high hopes D:). Anyways, Mike walked us down to the bars, then he had to leave. That is when our night really began! :D

I bought Kara and I a pitcher of beer at one of my favorite bars. It was quiet. Which is what I like. We were non-stop talking about everything (since we don't get to see each other very often). Randomly Kara told me to invite Matt, which surprised me. And he arrived while we were freezing our asses off for a cigarette. The first thing she said was "You didn't tell me he was cute! He looks like The Doctor from Doctor Who!". I don't see it though. Anyways, Kara managed to get Matt out of his shell (he is very shy & awkward)...by playing drinking games. Nothing got too weird though. Except for me getting dared to lick Matt's elbow...which I did, LOL.

We went to another bar, because they had a heated patio, and Kara and I smoke a lot when we drink. Matt bought a pitcher that time (since Kara & I were broke). My favorite beer too; Molson Canadian! I got way too drunk. Beer makes me silly as hell. And I started yelling everything I said and laughing over nothing. Kara was pretty much the same way. And Matt was mostly sober, somewhat quiet, but looked very happy. Sadly, Kara had to be home at midnight, so we headed to Subway (so she could grab a sub to take home). On our way there, Kara found mistletoe and held it up in front of me and Matt. So of course, me being drunk, I grabbed him and kissed him. He wasn't complaining, haha. Anyways, we got to Subway, and I paid for Kara's sub plus her taxi fare. We didn't even get to drink the coolers. I hid mine in my fridge for another time. xD

Matt and I sat in Subway while I tried to sober up. I didn't want my mum to see me drunk. And sitting in Subway...well I had to buy a sub, LOL. I had the drunk munchies. As soon as I sat down with my sub, I began shovelling it in my mouth like a caveman. No shame. Then we went outside and walked around for a bit. I played some music on my playbook, and drunkenly rambled on about stuff that didn't make sense. It was only around 1:00 am, but Matt said it was 'late' and that I should go home. I knew he was saying that because I was too drunk to be out in public. So he walked me home and made sure I got inside safely. Its so great that I've been having a fun time lately. Wooo single life! :P

Today has been alright. I woke up early and started the antibiotics for my bladder infection (I'm already noticing a difference - I'm peeing more normally now). I had lunch with my mum. Not out anywhere. Just in the house. But my family is the type that rarely has meals together, so it was nice. And once again; I checked the mail and there was another package for me! It was another used book! I seriously hope I don't order anything else online for a few months. Its becoming quite the bad addiction. -_-


I also had a strange dream last night; I was in high school for some reason. And Matt was there. But he was kind of a douche. He posted a bunch of embarrassing videos of me on Vine, then showed everyone. And I began screaming and trying to fight everyone. So I got kicked out of school and had to go work at a construction site. Then my hot math teacher from high school showed up and yelled at me. He gave me a bag of homemade Halloween cookies and told me to eat them. I refused, so he yelled again. Then we fell in love and we kissed. What the fuck!? LOL. Other than that, nothing else interesting has happened today. And I have no plans for later. I think its just gonna be a lazy day. Movies and munchies sounds good to me. :3

the angel from my nightmare

♪♫ I Miss You - Blink 182

Friday was kinda dull. I was mostly depressed all day. Watching Friends again, of course. I really need to get out more. Starting to feel like I have cabin fever. Anyways, I did do one productive thing; I got all my Christmas cards done and ready to be sent! And my mum picked up a pack of stamps for me (& brought me chilli). I hope everyone likes them! Oh and I have inspiration to write...but no motivation...if that makes sense. Its frustrating. I wish I had more friends to talk to. And I wish my agoraphobia wasn't so bad right now.

I had quite the strange dream that night; My hot high school math teacher was there. I've always had a huge crush on him. So no surprise that I dreamt about him. Anyways, we lived in some sort of rooming house. But there wasn't enough beds, so we had to share. He began cuddling me at night in hi sleep. And one morning, we kissed. Somehow everyone else in the house got turned into a video game and we had to save them. So we got in a giant Hummer, which was really hard to operate. I couldn't make it up the road. Probably because he kept smiling at me and kissing me. Big distractions. Then he got turned into a video game and I had to save him. I panicked and ran back to the house. When I got there, a doctor was curing everyone. I walked by rooms and seen people sick in beds with nurses and doctors. Then I got to my room. He was there. So I walked over, sat down and he turned to face me. He looked so happy. And it all ended with a passionate kiss.

The dream left me with a feeling that felt so real. Something I haven't felt in so long; strong passionate love. I never felt that with BJ. I now know that we aren't meant to be. And I'm looking forward to finding that man who will kiss me so passionately that my entire body will tingle and I'll melt into his arms. I'm not gonna look though. I'm just gonna wait for prince charming to show up. :)

Later in the day, things got...interesting. I met up with Matt to watch the Santa Claus parade and get some hot chocolate. But we ended up not doing either of those things. Instead, we went to the bar for a drink. We sat on the patio and watched some drunk guy dance by himself, twerk and do jazz hands. It was hilarious. The whole patio was watching, laughing and cheering him on. Gotta love drunks, haha.

Our friend Ryan showed up after seeing on Facebook that Matt and I were at the bar. He bought us a pitcher of beer. I wasn't a beer fan before, but now I am! And Molson Canadian is the best! I had no problem drinking it. No bad after taste! Anyways, we munched out on cheetos, smoked cigarettes and played 'I never'. Ryan's friend Ben showed up in the middle of the game and joined in. But eventually we decided to play truth or dare...oh no. :P


Truth or dare got weird...like it usually does. I had to kiss both Ryan and Matt. Not awkward though. I don't mind kissing people. Ryan got the funniest dare; he had to lick a stranger's elbow. And he did it! The guy wasn't even mad. He laughed and came to sit with us. He was pretty cool. I think we had a second pitcher at some point. Its a bit foggy. But oh my fuck...I was so wasted. xD

Matt was acting odd. He looked upset, but we couldn't get him to talk. I already kinda knew what it was...he was upset that I kissed Ryan, because he has a crush on me. So I took him aside, and sure enough...I was completely right. So I told him that I have feelings for him. Which I do. But I'm not sure if they're really strong ones that will lead to a relationship. I also told him that I've just gone through a breakup. I was in a relationship for over a year. I just wanna fun right now and he shouldn't get his hopes up. He understood. Then...we kissed again. Because of silly drunk me.

We somehow lost Ryan and went on a journey to find him. But we ended up getting lost. We went up many flights of stairs and walked down many hallways. And guess what!? I ended up on the roof of the mall! I set the alarm off and didn't even bother running right away. I waited a few minutes, then Matt and I escaped. And I stole fake snow off a tree for no reason. Anyways, we decided to head back to the bars because we wanted to find Ryan and I wanted more beer. And it didn't take long to find him. He was on the patio of one of the bars.

I got more beer. Which I really didn't need. I was so drunk that I could barely walk. But I was loving it. Matt got upset again, because I was flirting with Ryan. I couldn't help it! He is a smooth talker. He knows what to say. I reminded Matt of what I said earlier and he cheered up a bit. Then I started acting weird. I kept laughing, nearly falling over and I stole a salt shaker. I think its part of my BPD. I have periods of time when I have self destructive behaviour. -_-

I vaguely remember going to the bank and Ryan getting money. Then I remember going to Julius for pizza and cigarettes. It was so delicious. But I felt kinda full from beer. So I ate it slowly. Matt went back to his bad mood again. Ugh. So Ryan invited us to his apartment. It was actually horribly boring when we got there. Matt was acting even more upset. Ryan felt bad. And I was drunk and being an idiot. We were supposed to play a drinking game, but Matt didn't wanna do anything. So Ryan and I walked him home.

He didn't wanna go home when we got to his house. So I asked him if he wanted to talk and he agreed. He ran upstairs to get his jacket, leaving me alone with Ryan. And he ended up kissing me. Ahhh. Why was I sluttin' it up all night!? Single life after being in a relationship for so long has turned me into a wild girl! Anyways, we all walked to the park nearby and sat down. We didn't even talk about why Matt was upset. I began talking about horror, gore and serial killers. I don't know why. My mind is fucked up. Oh and Ben randomly walked by. So he stopped to talk for a few minutes and I gave him the rest of my pizza.

Ryan was cold and tired, so he decided to head home. I stayed with Matt, and we talked more about things. I tried explaining it all better. I also added that I change my mind a lot because of my mental issues. I'm unstable. But I proposed the idea of friends with benefits. He had a huge smile on his face after that. But I'm not sure if that is gonna happen. I think I just wanna stay single for now. Anyways, he walked me home. We had a slightly awkward moment at my door when we almost kissed, but hugged instead. Oh and I found out that I won the auction for the Jumanji game on Ebay! :D

Today I woke up with a bad hangover. I forgot the golden rule; always drink a glass of water before bed. Ugh. I took a risk by getting my step dad to get me two bowls of chilli. It was really spicy, delicious and filling. And you'd think that would make me puke, but I was fine! Also, since I have such a guilty conscience, I told BJ everything about my wild drunk night. He was okay with it. Then Ryan and Matt kept messaging me. Both wanting to hangout with me. I kinda just avoided it. Other than that, I've been drinking lots of water and resting. My hangover is pretty much gone now. Yay!

in the light you will find the road

♪♫ In The Light - Led Zeppelin

The past five days have been very boring. I've barely left my house for two reasons; my agoraphobia, and the fact that my city is scary as hell now (I'll explain later in this blog). I've become a hermit. And that makes me nervous. I don't want to become depressed again. :/

Friday: It was pouring rain outside. Kinda gave me a depressed feeling. I had no energy to do much of anything. It was also the first day I had to start taking eight pills a day (previously it was seven). I really fucking hate them. Ugh. Anyways, I mostly spent my day eating Halloween candy, working on this blog (yes, I went back to my old theme...), and working on my side blog. I'm still not done with my side blog. I'm unsure of what more to do with it. And I'm working on a Christmas theme for this blog. Oh and I got kinda silly with a pair of pumpkin holographic glasses that my grandmother sent me last month. I was bored, LOL! At least I got to watch the Halloween special of Ghost Adventures (it took place in Transylvania!). ;D


Saturday: I woke up from a romantic dream about Chandler from Friends. Hmmm. Interesting. Once again, I had no energy and didn't do a whole lot. I cancelled plans with my friends. I used the excuse that I was sick...but its really because of my anxiety. I was too embarrassed to admit that. Anyways, some bad news was revealed around dinnertime. I think I mentioned this before; there was a girl named Gen who went missing a month ago. Well...they found her body. And it wasn't even in town either. Everyone is devastated right now. Her brother made it clear that it wasn't suicide, but there has been no official report on what happened yet. But I think he is right. The circumstances point towards murder. And that made me feel nauseous. But I decided to push that thought aside and say; Gen, I didn't know you well, but I remember meeting you on a camping trip. I was around a group of people I didn't know and was having anxiety. You sat with me and made me feel better. You had such a charming way about you. So easy to talk to. I knew I could trust you instantly. You are loved and missed by so many. Rest in peace beautiful angel. ♥


I was feeling pretty awful. More so for her family and her close friends. The ones who are suffering severely right now. I wish I could help them all. I really do. Its heartbreaking. Anyways, BJ brought me Pepto Bismol (for my nausea), and chilli to cheer me up. He didn't stay long though. He was going out with our friends (the plans I cancelled). I wish I could get out more. But every woman in my city is terrified because they think a rapist and/or murderer is on the loose. D:

Sunday: I woke up from another dream about Chandler from Friends. It was similar to the first one. I do find him attractive...but I didn't think I'd dream about him. Its probably because I watch Friends a lot. So anyways, my day was boring again. I decided to change my username on most of my social networking sides to PrincessBedelia. I was sick of using "zeppelingrrl", "thezeppelinqueen", "queenofzeppelin", etc. I still love Led Zeppelin with all my heart, but I wanted something more personal. So to explain better; my great grandmother used to call me princess (before she passed away), and my grandmother calls me Bedelia (after Amelia Bedelia). Oh and I tried to download the Black Lodge game, but I think my netbook doesn't have the proper software to run it. It refused to download. Ugh. I was so frustrated. But my grandmother said she would possibly buy me a laptop when I move out on my own (just a cheap one for $500). I hope I get to play it someday. It looks so fun! ♥


Monday: I got Inland Empire on DVD in the mail! Yay! Anyways, I had to go shopping. I couldn't put it off any longer. I needed groceries, a bus card, hair dye, etc. And even though it was noon and there were lots of people around...I still didn't feel safe going out alone. Plus it was kinda cold out (according to The Weather Network). So I got my friend Matt to come with me. And oh my...we had quite the journey. We had a lot of walking to do. Thankfully it wasn't as cold as I thought it would be. And I got everything I needed for the month! Good thing I had Matt to help me carry everything, because I wouldn't have been able to do it by myself. My favorite things that I bought were; two months worth of blue hair dye, hair dyeing supplies, hair care products, and two video games that I've wanted for a long time (Darksiders and Bayonetta)! I had just enough money for everything too! :D


We were tired and sore by the time we got to my house. I invited Matt to come in, which he did. He just sat and waited while I unpacked everything and put it away. Then we went to Subway to hangout for a little bit. I decided to use up my Subway card by buying twelve cookies. Yum! He walked me home afterwards. I immediately tested out my video games, and both work perfectly. I also tested Inland Empire, which works perfectly as well. In fact, I was so intrigued by the first few minutes of the movie, that I watched the entire thing (it was amazing!). Even though it was around 2:00 am when the movie was finished, I still cleaned my room. It was long overdue. :P

Today: Another boring day, but also somewhat exciting. The $20 went through to my PayPal, so I bought David Lynch: Short Films on DVD and Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me on DVD! Then I made a big decision; I borrowed $225 from my savings account and transferred it to my PayPal. It'll go through next week! My reason for doing this is; so I can buy my birthday and Christmas presents early. I was gonna wait till January, but I wanna have my gifts for the actual days. Its more magical that way. Plus I'm impatient, LOL! I'm gonna pay myself back in December. Its all worked out. :)


Edit at 9:48 pm: I got Black Lodge downloaded and its working perfectly! I guess my computer does have the proper software for it (I still want a new laptop though - having a netbook sucks -_-). Not sure why it wasn't working before. Anyways, its awesome and addicting. My highest score so far is 1050. My goal is to get 5000. I'm done playing for tonight though. I'm exhausted. But if you're interested in playing the game, its free to download here. Also, if you aren't aware; its based on Twin Peaks (the television show & the movie), and its in Atari style. :)


P.S. I'm pretty sure that I'm re-dyeing my hair tomorrow! I using a darker shade of blue this time (Manic Panic's Rockabilly Blue instead of Bad Boy Blue). But I have to re-bleach my hair first (since it didn't bleach well the first time). My boyfriend is gonna help me. Should be fun. ^_^

i seem to come alive for you

♪♫ Burning Desire - Lana Del Rey

Before I start this blog; I had weird dream on Saturday night. It was about one of my good friends. I had a dream that he got me pregnant from a one night stand and I had twins; two girls. It was the middle of winter and I gave birth on an escalator. I'm not sure what it means, but when I seen him recently...I realized that I have feelings for him. Not very strong ones, but its making things awkward now. :/

Yesterday started out pretty shitty, but it ended pretty great. My depression from the night before was still lingering, and I ended up having a fight with my mother not long after I woke up. She told me that I can't take my TV with me when I move out (even though it was a present - but she denies it). She just wants it for herself, which is selfish. Its my TV and I'm not giving it up. She has her own TV anyways, I'm not even sure why she wants it. Its like she is trying to sabotage everything for me. Ugh. It made me feel even more depressed. I actually found myself laying on my bed and staring into my radiator. I had a Henry Spencer moment. :P


I decided that I really needed to get out of the house, so I made plans with my friend Matt. I spent a couple hours getting ready (my hair looks green now!), then we met up, went to the store (got cigarettes, pop & munchies), and headed to one of our old hangouts near the bridge. It was peaceful and relaxing. Just like the bonfire I had with Kara on Thursday. We talked about a lot of random stuff and listened to music for hours. It was awesome. But it started getting really cold, so we slowly made our way back uptown. Since we both live on the same street (& he is a gentleman), he walked me home. I spent my night eating more Tostitos + homemade dip and pumpkin pie + whipped cream, and watching TV. :3


Today was pretty great. Unfortunately my "lady issues" started, but I didn't let that stop me from having a good time. BJ showed up and I gave him the rest of my dip. I just ate some more pumpkin pie. We watched They Live and ThanksKilling. They Live was great. One of my favorite science fiction films now. ThanksKilling was so awful that it was hilarious. We were in pain from laughing so hard. Its definitely worth a watch. xD

He caught the last bus home, then my mom came home from work a little while later. She brought me a package from the mailbox, which turned out to be the Wild at Heart DVD that I ordered from Ebay. Its in perfect condition and works perfectly! I'm so happy! Its the beginning of my David Lynch DVD collection (I plan on owning all his movies by the new year). Anyways, she wanted to try playing Grand Theft Auto IV (& she has pretty much no experience with playing video games). It was so funny. There is a video on Instagram if you're interested. So yeah...that's about it. I'll blog again soon!

from the fire that burns in desire

♪♫ Feuer Frei! - Rammstein


I can't believe its been three years...
These pictures are so old. I was fifteen. Nearly six years ago. I'm pretty they were taken on the last day of school. Later that night, we got vodka and rum, then played card games and watched horror movies until 8:00 am.

I met you at school after you sat next to me and said that my AC/DC shirt was cool. We instantly became friends. You were wild, unique and not afraid to be yourself. You helped me come out of my shell, taught me so many things and introduced me to the friends that I have now. I wish I could thank you. I wish I could see you one last time.

I still remember the time that I went to your grandmother's house and you made me hot dogs and we watched A Clockwork Orange. I remember when we sat outside the mall and yelled random things at people who walked by. I remember getting so high that I was trippin' balls (thinking clowns were coming after me), and you made sure I got home safely.

All the times we got high, all the crazy stories you told, walking west after losing my bus pass, all the fries we got at McDonald's after getting stoned, all the phone conversations, all the heart-to-hearts, going kayaking, going to your graduation, going to your house and hanging out with your family a bunch...I miss all those, so very much. I'll cherish the memories forever and never forget you.

You still visit me in my dreams sometimes and tell me that you're alright. You tell me to be happy and move on. But its so hard to do that. I haven't fully healed. I may never fully heal. A piece of my heart will always be missing. You took it with you. And that is why I took that necklace you gave me and took one of the charms off of it, taped it to a letter and put it on your box of ashes to be buried with you. I have the other charm. And I always will.

Rest in peace Nick ♥
I love you like a brother and I miss you so much.

it's controlling my mind

♪♫ Evolution - Korn

Well, Tuesday was a pretty...interesting day. I actually woke up early and got ready in time to be picked up by Kat and Adam (to go to Alice's first birthday!). My boyfriend was also in the car. It was a little awkward because I was still mad at him, so I kept pushing him away from me. Anyways, we went to the mall and got Alice's birthday cake. I'm kinda jealous because it was an ice cream cake and they are my favorite. My boyfriend and I got some ice cream while we waited for the slack people at Dairy Queen to write "Happy birthday Alice" on the cake.

We stopped for cigarettes after leaving the mall, then headed to the party (being held at Kat's brother's house). We were a few hours early, because apparently we were the decorating/preparation crew. All I did was blow up the balloons. My boyfriend helped with cooking (& Kat's dad kept calling him his 'cook'). I don't know what everyone else did. I kept avoiding my boyfriend. I felt bad, but I didn't wanna be around him. Oh and there was a pretty hilarious silly string war. I wasn't involved, but it was fun to watch. Kat got it the worst, haha.


I don't remember exactly what time it was, but Kat's aunt brought Alice to her party. She looked so cute! Pretty much everyone had shown up at that point (except for Kat's mom, who was late). I was kinda awkward and just stood around. I was too distracted by my frustration, caused by my boyfriend. It felt like I wasn't even there most of the time. I was off in my own world.

Kat's mom finally showed up and the food was prepared not long after that. There were tons of burgers, hot dogs, steak, fries, chips, etc. I didn't eat anything though. My frustration turned into depression and I don't eat when I'm depressed. I really wanted to go home and sleep. Even though...I really did miss Kat's family. I used to live with her and I got to know most of them. They became like a second family to me. And my fuck...a lot of them have grown up so much. Especially her niece. I think she was twelve when I last seen her. Now she is fifteen. Rebelling against her parents by; smoking weed, smoking cigarettes, drinking, not going to school, etc. But hell...I did all that shit when I was fourteen. I can't say anything.

My boyfriend and I went outside to talk about our problems after almost everyone was finished eating. The conversation didn't really go anywhere. We couldn't think of a solution. I kept trying to get him to admit that we had no passion or sexual chemistry, but he denied it. He kept saying that we just had to do it and it would be fine. But that sounds very forced to me. I think those things come naturally and I wouldn't have to wait this long if they were present in our relationship. Ugh.

We went back inside for singing "happy birthday" to Alice and watching her blow out the candle on her cake (her aunt actually blew it out - because Alice is only a year old). She actually had two cakes. One was an ice cream cake and one was a pound cake. So they decided to give everyone a piece of both. Yum! I actually decided to eat at that point. Its hard to say no to cake. But my stupid plastic fork kept breaking and the pieces of plastic would get stick inside the cake. Why is my luck so shitty!?

They started opening Alice's birthday presents not long after that. She got so much stuff! She even got her own tablet for games and watching cartoons! That is nuts! What a spoiled little cutiepie. My boyfriend and I got her a card and a $25 gift card for Toys R Us (which was apparently used to buy her a baby couch). I kept trying to get a picture of her, but she moves her head so quickly. I only got one that turned out alright. She isn't facing the camera, but oh well. Her aunt Missy is on the left and her mother Kat is on the right...


Alice started getting really tired and cranky after that, so people began cleaning up and heading out. I was supposed to get a drive back with Kat and Adam, but they had too many things to fit in the car. So Kat got her mom to agree to drive my boyfriend and I. We said our goodbyes to everyone first though. Then we got her to drop us off at Wal-Mart (which is apparently a 'super centre' now), because I needed a Xbox 360 controller (since my boyfriend didn't give me one with the Xbox 360 he gave me). I got the controller, but I also got a Halloween music CD, Grand Theft Auto IV and a bag of cheesies. Wooo! I wanted to get The Goonies on DVD, but it was only on Blu-Ray. Ahhh. -_-


Most of my frustration and depression went away after that. I let him kiss me and hold my hand. And I felt sparks from the kiss. But I don't understand why he doesn't kiss me like that all the time. That is what I want. If he continues doing that, I'll be happy. If not, we'll have a serious problem.

Anyways, we went to the grocery store afterwards. I got Tostitos and cheese dip, fuck yeah! Then we caught a bus to go uptown (where I live). On our way to my house, we stopped at Julius and I got some chili to take home for dinner. Yay! His mom came and picked him up not long after that. There was barely a shred of negative feelings towards him by the end of the night. I'm still waiting for more passion though. But yeah...my night ended pretty greatly. I munched out and watched TV until I passed out (which took a while...).

Today I woke up late, got some left over pizza for breakfast and went to the bank for my appointment (for a tax free savings account). It went well. I headed to the bus stop after that and I ended up running into Kaley. We talked for twenty minutes. She reminded me that we met at Jordon's funeral and that on the 11th (I can't remember which month - either June or July), it will be our five year anniversary, haha.

I caught a bus before I could finish my conversation with her. It showed up early. And it was packed with high school kids. I forgot that school was back. Ugh. But I made it to my boyfriend's house anyways. We had a couple smokes with his mom, then she drove us to the mall. He had to get some school supplies at his work, which didn't take long. Then we looked around a few stores. Nothing too interesting though.

We headed to the plaza after that. We went into the dollar store, because I just love looking at their Halloween stuff. Its not all in yet, but I always buy a few things every year. Halloween is definitely my favorite holiday. I've got a lot planned for this year. I wanna dress up as Alex Delarge from A Clockwork Orange, bake Halloween cupcakes, have a horror movie marathon, get drunk and lots more! Also, I seen something that made me laugh a bit. A box on top of a shelf in the dollar store that said "severed arms", haha. I'm so morbid...


I had to get groceries afterwards. I ended up spending all my money and now I have $1.40 left. I was supposed to have $25 left. Oh well. I'll manage somehow. At least I got lots of yummy food! And my boyfriend's mom picked us up, so I didn't have to drag everything onto a bus. She stopped at the Subway near my house so that my boyfriend and I could get something to eat. I got a breakfast sandwich again. They are sooo addicting! But since she was waiting for us, we got our food to go. We finally got to my house and my boyfriend helped me bring my groceries up the stairs, then kissed me goodbye.

I relaxed for a while after I unpacked my groceries and put them away. Then I tried testing out my Xbox 360. It works great! Except the cord is all fucked up and I need a new one. So my boyfriend is gonna pick one up for me. Yay! I hope nothing else goes wrong. I really wanna play my Xbox 360! I'm tired of waiting! Ahhhh. :(

I cleaned and organized my room after giving up on the Xbox 360. It took so long and I was beyond exhausted by the end of it. But it looks great now. I'm very happy with it. Now I'm just gonna relax and watch TV in bed. Maybe have a snack.

Happy birthday Jordon!
You aren't with us anymore. But today would have been your birthday. I miss you so much. Rest in peace. ♥

my one year anniversary!

♪♫ In My Time Of Dying - Led Zeppelin

Sunday was my one year anniversary with BJ. It was great, but not exactly what I was expecting. We didn't do anything spectacular. We still haven't had sex. I'm finding myself fantasizing about other men. I feel like I've been pushed away pretty far. To the point that I've been considering breaking up with him for a little while. I love him, but there isn't any passion. We've had maybe three passionate kisses the entire time we've dated. Little things he does are starting to annoy me now. And we're so different. I really have no idea what to do. He keeps telling me we'll try to have sex, but its like there is no sexual attraction. For me, there was a lot at first. But he kept pushing me away and now I don't really feel it anymore. It feels like we're trying to force two puzzle pieces that don't fit. I don't know what to do. I feel so confused and its upsetting me. Anyone have some good advice?

So I guess I'll begin with when I woke up on Sunday (the day of our anniversary). I woke up late, because I couldn't sleep. I wasn't sure if it was from being nervous or excited. Anyways, I had a shower as soon as I got out of bed. Then I worked on the labels/tags for this blog. I was slacking on getting ready...as usual. I was gonna wear my blue velvet dress, but I hate dresses and I felt uncomfortable. So I changed into a pretty comfy outfit, consisting of; a leather jacket, a Bon Jovi top, shorts, fishnets and Converse sneakers. Woooo!


Every once in a while I get into a I-wanna-listen-to-shitty-pop-songs kinda mood. So that's what I did while I finished getting ready. My boyfriend was late showing up, but I was late finishing getting ready. So it worked out. We had a quick smoke outside, then came into my house to exchange gifts. He loved the gifts that I gave him, especially the Star Wars cup set. He gave me some pretty awesome stuff; a mushy romantic card, two Game of Thrones vinyl figures (Tyrion Lannister & Daenerys Targaryen), a Game of Thrones mug (House Targaryen!), an Xbox 360 and six games; Dante's Inferno, Resident Evil, Deadrising, Halo 3, Hitman and Fable 2.


We headed out. Stopped to get cigarettes first. It'll probably be the last ones I ever smoke, since I made the decision to quit a little while ago. Anyways, we went to a really fancy/expensive seafood restaurant (even though my boyfriend hates seafood). I always feel weird in places like that. But the food was pretty good. We decided we were gonna go to the bars, but we had a smoke first. Then we went to a bar on the boardwalk. I forgot my ID, but the bartender was nice enough to let me stay. I got three drinks of Jack Daniels and Coke, and my boyfriend got three drinks of rum and Coke.


We sat on the patio so that we could smoke. But the weather turned shitty after a little while. It started raining and the umbrella over the table wasn't helping. So, we decided to go to a different bar. Its one that I've wanted to go to for a little while. But I needed my ID first, so we had to stop by my house (the rain stopped while we were on our way). It was kinda cold outside, so I changed into jeans and did a few more things quickly, then we left. But unfortunately, when we got to the bar...it was closed. Which is really strange. It was only 11:30 pm. :/

We ended up back at the bars on the boardwalk. Went to a different one though. And I only had one more drink, because I'm trying to cut back on drinking. Just another drink of Jack Daniels and Coke. I find that you can get really sick from drinking several different types of liquor in one night. My boyfriend agrees, so he had a few more drinks of rum and Coke. We were sitting on the patio again. But since it had rained, the seats were all wet. I used my knee to wipe off the seat, but it didn't help much. My pants and my back got wet. I remember taking a lot of pictures, we talked for hours, played some silly games, picked our characters from movies and seen a cute baby mouse that I named Tommy. I wanted to take him home. :3


We headed out and we were supposed to get cigarettes, but my boyfriend was hungry. So we stopped into Subway. I started feeling really sick, so I didn't get anything to eat. I waited until he was finished eating and I got him to walk me home (and he dropped his water bottle which went halfway down the road - it was pretty funny). We didn't even bother with the cigarettes. I was just focused on trying to feel better.

He came into my house and stayed with me for a little while. He helped me clear off my bed, then talked to me while I was relaxing. I don't remember what time he left, but we had a goodnight kiss and he got a taxi home and I just relaxed in bed with Powerade and watched Breaking Amish: LA.

Today my awesome dream was interrupted by my alarm clock. Ugh. And it was just getting good! I had a dream that I was Conan's assistant (second time I've had a dream that I was his assistant). I lived in his house too. His wife left and took his kids. He was a wreck. I came home to find him drunk and crying on the floor. So I went over to talk to him. Then I layed down next to him and cuddled up to him and told him it would all be alright. Then we started kissing. It was pretty fucking sexy. We dated for a while, but he kept it a secret. He said he didn't want me to be in the spotlight. So he ended up breaking up with me and leaving me the house. One night when it was raining, there was a knock on the door. It was him. Drunk and soaking wet. He grabbed me and kissed me. Then I woke up. Waaaah. :'(

So I haven't really done much today. Its a holiday and my plans with friends were cancelled. So I've been relaxing in bed, working on the labels/tags (which is taking forever - 2011 should be done tonight) and whatever else I usually do on a boring day. Also, its raining again. I hate it. I always feel kinda shitty when the weather sucks. I'm hoping for another sexy Conan dream tonight. That'll cheer me up. ;)

sun is shinin' in the sky

♪♫ Mr. Blue Sky - Electric Light Orchestra

First of all; I've been editing the labels/tags whatever you want to call them. I'm not done yet, but its looking a lot more organized. Through doing that, I've realized that I'm a pretty annoying blogger...I put way too much detail into my posts. Especially about food. I'm gonna try to cut back on that. But anyways, I'm gonna have to finish it on Monday, because I'm celebrating my one year anniversary with BJ tomorrow! :) ♥

I had a terrifying nightmare on Friday night. It was the scene from Leprechaun 3, when the leprechaun saws the magician in half. Except, instead of the leprechaun...it was Pennywise from IT. And as soon as I seen him sawing the guy in half, I began running and he chased me. I couldn't escape. He kept finding me. Right before I woke up, I was leaning against a fence and he was coming towards me. It was so horrible that it caused me to wake up at 8:10 am. And I pretty much never wake up before noon. Ugh. If you wanna see the scene I'm talking about, here ya go...


So after that unpleasant experience, I decided to relax for a bit to feel better. I mean...I was kinda mind fucked. Anyways, I got ready and headed out. I heard Renegade by Styx on my way to Subway and I got an awesome breakfast sandwich. It was a sign that my day was gonna be awesome. And goddamn; I didn't realize Subway had amazing breakfast sandwiches. Afterwards, I headed to the bank to cash my check (& I left $30 in my account to transfer to my PayPal). I set up an appointment to get a tax free savings account (which will be super helpful - because I'm saving up for my apartment). Then I went into the mall and bought everything I need for the month. Y'know all the boring shit; phone card, bus card, grocery store gift card, etc. Oh...and I noticed a really odd stain on my sweater. No clue where it came from, but it made me feel kinda insecure. Like people were staring at it. :/

I had to catch a bus to the other side of town, because I needed to buy BJ's gifts (for our one year anniversary!). The item that I originally wanted to buy for him was out of stock. So I ended up spending over an hour walking around the mall in frustration, trying to figure out what to buy for him. Every time I found something, I began having doubts about whether or not he would like it. I was getting really tired and sore, so I just went into a store and bought him two things spontaneously; a Star Wars cup set and a Ned Stark vinyl figure. So now I have four items to give him; a Blade Runner comic, a card, a Star Wars cup set and a Ned Stark vinyl figure. That seems good enough, lol. And I have this bad habit...when I buy people gifts...I have to buy something for myself too. Or I'll feel left out. Maybe its an only child thing!? I don't know. But I bought myself; A Clockwork Orange, Psycho and From Dusk Till Dawn on DVD. My top three favorite movies ever! So happy! ^_^ ♥


I stopped into the grocery store quickly to get some Powerade and water. I was really thirsty. Plus I had to take my pills and I can't do it with anything other than water. I had to wait until I got on the bus though; because it just pulled into the mall parking lot and I had to run for it. Made it just in time. Fuck yeah!

I immediately had a shower when I got home (for my plans later in the evening), then I relaxed and munched on candy corn...which reminds me; I'm running low! I need to re-stock my stash! Anyhow...I decided on three things during this time; I'm buying the complete series of Twin Peaks on DVD for my birthday gift and I'm buying every David Lynch movie for my Christmas gift. My family doesn't celebrate holidays anymore, so its up to me to get my own gifts. :P


The third thing is; my boyfriend and I are going to see Dracula on October 28th at 7:00 pm. They're having a screening of it at an old theatre near where I live. Its the 1931 classic with Bela Lugosi. And there will be popcorn and pop sold. Tickets are only $10 each! Its gonna be amazing. I've always wanted to have an old fashioned movie experience. If that even makes sense at all.

I finally made myself finish getting ready and I met up with my boyfriend at 7:30 pm. We were waiting for his mom to drive us to Kat's birthday party. So while we waited, he played Tomb Raider and I attempted to play his 3DS, but it confused the fuck out of me. We ended up leaving late, because any gamer knows; video games suck ya in. Time flies by. But we finally hit the road. We had to stop so that my boyfriend could get money at the bank, smokes at the gas station and mix at his work. We made it to Kat's not long after that.

It was a small gathering of close friends (Kat, Adam, Missy, BJ and I). I like it better that way. Anyways, I gave her the card and birthday gifts that I bought. She was amazed that I know her so well (because I bought her two favorite treats). I'm just very observant, I guess. Everyone began drinking, except for Missy and I. We were waiting for a couple of people to show up and they took so long. Ugh. I'm a really impatient person sometimes. But I had some interesting conversations with Kat. It was about something that happened two years ago or more, that nearly ruined our friendship forever. And it was something entirely my fault too (I was in a self destructive mode at that point in time).

Three more people were supposed to show up, but only one person did (Phil). I thought we were gonna head out when he arrived, but he wanted to have some beers first. So we waited a little while longer. Everyone started chugging their liquor so that we could leave. Then finally we called a taxi and headed to the bars! The taxi ride was kinda funny...Adam was trying to cuddle with my boyfriend and I, but he accidentally touched my boob because it was dark and he couldn't see. Oh well. I personally don't give a fuck if my friends touch my boobs.

When we got to the bar, I started having some slight anxiety because there was such a huge crowd of people. But it was manageable. But I've never seen so many people at the bars. Holy fuck. Although, Friday nights are always so wild around here. And I know, because I live in the middle of the city. And close to a lot of bars. I hear the screaming, laughing, loud music, etc. I'm pretty used to it though. The sounds of the city help me sleep. :3

Everyone was drinking and having conversations, but I was zoned out. I've been weird like that lately. I go into my own little world when I'm with people. I guess I just have a lot on my mind. It felt like we weren't even there for very long, but it was a little over two hours. I met my boyfriend's "smoke buddy" from his work. Apparently they're the only smokers there. Her name is Gabrielle and she was such a sweetheart. She told me that my boyfriend talks about me all the time (good things), she told me I was pretty, she introduced her boyfriend (who randomly hugged me - nicest couple or what?) and she offered me a Marlboro.

I fucking love American cigarettes. So much better. I got a pack of Marlboros for Christmas a couple years back. All because Shayne's mom got a carton of them, gave some to Shayne and Garnet. Garnet owed me a pack of smokes, so voila! I got an entire pack. I wanna get my passport so that my boyfriend and I can go to Maine for a weekend and buy Marlboros, Count Chocula and Cherry Vanilla Coke. And probably other stuff I don't even know exists. :P

Okay, I got off topic. Back to what I was saying; so Gabrielle calls my boyfriend Will, which is weird for me to hear. I'm used to calling him BJ, because that's what everyone calls him. But his real name is William and at his work/school they call him Will. I like that name better in all honesty. But its hard to just start calling someone by a different name. Anyways, we didn't stay much longer. I was tired as hell. So my boyfriend walked me to Subway. He got a meal first and I waited till he was finished before I ordered my sub (because I wanted to take mine home). When we got to my door, it took almost twenty minutes for him to leave because we were making out in my hallway, haha.

When I got inside, I found a pair of black velvet heels and $100 that my mother left for me (she still owes me another $350). The heels are so comfy and I don't usually wear heels. They are slightly big though. I think she is exchanging them for a smaller size for me. I can't wait to wear them! I adore velvet and black goes with anything! A little while later, my boyfriend texted me and told me that everyone ditched him (he was supposed to go back & meet them - so that they could all share a taxi), because Adam almost got into a fight at the bar (I still don't know that full story - but Adam is a good guy - just don't fuck with him). My boyfriend got home anyways. I ended my night with Subway and From Dusk Till Dawn 2. But I passed out before I even got halfway through it. xD

All day today has been spent working on the labels/tags. I didn't realize it would take so fucking long. Its driving me insane. But by next week, it'll all be organized and I'll feel a lot better about it. Because my OCD is currently driving me nuts, since I didn't finish it yet. Ugh. Well, I should get some sleep. I got my one year anniversary celebration tomorrow (not entirely sure what we're doing to be honest)! Oh and...

Happy birthday to Kat!
Thanks for being an awesome best friend, even though I'm a shitty one.