i stand here waiting for you

♪♫ Applause - Lady Gaga

I'm gonna try to make this blog quick. Okay, so on Saturday I was feeling really happy and positive, so I took some cute pictures. :3


Something really awkward happened in the evening. I almost don't wanna talk about it. But I'm going to anyways. So uh...I texted Matt's parents and asked when they were getting home. They told me that they were going out to a party, and that they wouldn't get home until late. So Matt and I got intimate. And since they weren't home...we got pretty loud. So loud that we didn't hear when his parents came home to pick up stuff for the party. They heard us. Oh my fuck. I was beyond embarrassed. But they didn't say anything...which is good. I don't wanna have that conversation. :/

I had to have a drink to calm myself down. Good ol' beer. And I watched Dallas Buyers Club to distract myself. It was a beautiful film. Jared Leto...perfection. I loved it. :3


I felt extremely depressed all day on Sunday. My Borderline Personality Disorder was acting up for no reason. I felt so awful. So I just relaxed, ate ice cream and watched Supernatural for most of the day. At one point, Dexter came in the room to cheer me up. He is so cute and cuddly. I massaged him and brushed him. I think he loves me now. But he tried to escape afterwards...so I don't know, LOL.


I went to my mum's for most of the day on Monday. She got me to clean for $100. It was brutal and exhausting. But I needed the money. At least I got to have pizza for dinner, download new episodes of my favorite shows and a few movies too. Wooo! Before going home...I found out that Matt's great grandfather was dying. I felt so bad. But he was taking it well. :(

Today was brutal. I woke up with the most awful heartburn that I've ever had. I was crying in pain. And Matt was upset because his great grandfather passed away (rest in peace), plus he didn't like seeing me in pain. After half an hour of feeling like I was dying, I finally got ahold of my mum. She agreed to let Matt pick up some Tums and Tylenol for me. So he headed out. And while he was out; I got a package in the mail! It was my ying yang tattoo choker. I love it! Anyways, Matt came back with the Tums, Tylenol...and some treats! Which included two popsicles (banana & root beer). I haven't had 'em in so long! :)


Everything helped me feel a ton better. I was up on my feet in no time. So I cleaned the room, then I relaxed and watched Supernatural. I'm pretty sure that I got Matt addicted to it, haha. I also had a nice hot shower. Now I'm feeling tired. So I should head to bed. Goodnight!

alone in a darkened room

♪♫ Bela Lugosi's Dead - CHVRCHES

I'm feeling a ton better! I'm pretty much over my cold/flu now...thankfully. It was dreadful. Ahhh. Anyways, I looked into colleges on Sunday. I think that I may go to a college out of town. The idea both excites me and makes me nervous. I'd love to get away from this city for a while. Be in a small town in the country, explore, make new friends, etc. But I'm afraid something will go wrong. By the way; the campus I'm looking at is in Woodstock. ^_^

I pre-ordered tickets for Vampire Academy in the evening. I completely forgot it was being made into a movie (its my favorite book series)! Luckily I had a gift card for the movies from Christmas that I hadn't used yet. Yay! Although...I spent the night worrying that they would butcher it. Just like with Twilight...a complete disaster. Anyways, I ended my evening with cuddles, junk food, and Harry Potter. :3

On Monday, I got a hold of my old guidance counselor. We're meeting up next week, and he is gonna help me with college stuff. I also called to get my GED completed. But the teacher isn't gonna be there until Monday. Oh well, I can wait. It won't take long to get my GED anyways. On a completely unrelated topic; Kara texted me and told me that she wants us to get matching tattoos next month (she is paying for them with her tax return). We're gonna get a skull and crossbones with heart eyes. Not sure where though. I was thinking maybe my ankle? Kara is getting hers on her upper hip to cover up an ex-boyfriend's name. ;D


After that, Matt's mom drove me to the service Canada building to get a new residential form, then dropped me off at my mum's. She made me quiche and salad for dinner. Yum! And we had a long talk. I got to use the internet...but I also had to put up with my mom watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Ugh. Matt and his parents came to pick me up in the evening. We got more boxes of my stuff, plus my TV (my baby ♥). However, my mother decided it was a good idea to scream at my step dad...and everyone heard it. So embarrassing. At least my night ended with more cuddles, junk food and a movie. :D

Tuesday was awesome. My John Locke action figure arrived in the morning. Wooo! Its so perfect. That character is the entire reason behind my "destiny" tattoo. It had so much meaning to me. But yeah...I had to go to an appointment with my therapist after that. It went really well. I told her about my future plans. She was very pleased. Matt met up with me afterwards. We hung around the mall for a while to use wifi. Plus I called my grandmother from a payphone (I don't know if I mentioned that I got a calling card?). There is a small possibility that I might be getting my grandfather's car. I hope it happens...even though the car is a piece of shit, LOL. xD


We went to see Vampire Academy in the evening. It was cheap night for tickets...however it was almost $18 for two poutines! Their food and drinks are such a rip off. They wanted $7 for a drink! Fuck that! But anyways, I loved the movie...even though it strayed a little from the book. Some of the characters were not what I pictured. But I adore the girl who plays Rose, and I'm pretty much in love with the guy who plays Dimitri. I'm definitely buying it on DVD when it comes out! On on unrelated topic; we ended our night by finishing our Harry Potter marathon. :)


Wednesday wasn't too exciting. I did a lot of cleaning. Then Matt and I decided to watch Unlucky Charms. We were hoping for one of those "so bad that its funny" type of movies. But no. It was just awful. Completely awful. Not one funny part. I do not advise watching it. I wish I could get that hour and a half of my life back. Ugh. Anyways, Matt's mom brought us sugar donuts and pop. Wooo! Other than that, I just played GTA IV and watched Shameless. Holy fuck is it ever getting intense! :O


I re-dyed my roots this morning. Because for some reason, the bleach rejected the blue hair dye. What the fuck!? Ugh. I hope it stays this time. Anyways, Matt went to Peer. So I had some alone time. Yay! I got a package in the mail; a tattoo choker necklace + bracelet set. Its so perfect! Not long after that, Matt's mom picked me up and we dropped off the residential form at the Service Canada building. There was a storm...so I just went home and spent most of the day by myself. I just relaxed, ate junk food, watched TV, and got dressed up for no reason. It felt kinda weird to have straight hair for the first time in ages. But yeah...Matt and his parents came home late. And they brought pizza and garlic fingers for dinner! :3

many dreams come true

♪♫ Over The Hills And Far Away - Led Zeppelin

I'm sick with some sort of flu/cold, so I'm gonna write this quickly. It all started on Wednesday. I went to bed completely fine on Tuesday night, then woke up sick as hell on Wednesday. Its so strange. And no one else is sick. Just me. So I spent the day in bed. Feeling rather depressed and cranky. Matt helped me out, since I was too sick to do much of anything. But I was having internet withdrawal. Its weird to say. But yes...I'm quite sure I have an internet addiction. Because I felt like I was losing my mind without internet access. xD

On Thursday, I told Matt to go to Peer. I wanted time to myself. Even though I was too sick to do anything. I still wanted peace and quiet. To get some rest. Which I did. But eventually I became overwhelmingly bored, and my withdrawal came back. I felt like the baby from Eraserhead, LOL. So I decided to touch up my hair. I thought it would be a disaster, but it ended up being a good idea! The steam from the shower helped me breathe better! Also; Matt's mom was super nice and brought me stuff to help fight my flu/cold. :)


I relaxed for the rest of the day. Matt's parents were out all day, so Matt had to make supper for us. It actually turned out good, LOL. Then we relaxed and watched movies in bed. I think we passed out around 9:30 pm. We're like an old couple, haha. But yeah...I was woken up around 11:00 pm. Why? Because his parents came home drunk and had sex loudly (his mom also drunk texted me earlier in the evening). Ugh. So awkward. Good thing Matt was dead asleep. :P


Yesterday I woke up to Matt's mom and her friend chilling in the living room. I think she got the day off work for being "sick" (aka having a hangover). Anyways, I called my case manager about the extra $140 I'm supposed to get this month. Apparently I have to get the landlord to sign the paper. So I have to go and pick up a new form, then fill it out again. Ugh. Hopefully that'll be over with by the middle of next week. >.<

Also, I decided that I wanted internet bad enough. I was sick of waiting. So Matt and I got a taxi to the mall to set it up. It took a while, but it worked! Its $54.95 a month (taxes included), and its quite fast. Not Fibre OP though (which I originally wanted - but its too expensive). I'm switching to a cheaper phone plan to afford it every month ($10 instead of $50). Unfortunately, the technician can't come until the 25th. I'm gonna go crazy waiting for it. :(

I also got Matt's Valentine's card. Just a cute simple one. And we sat in Subway for a few hours to use their wifi. I tried tethering the internet from my phone to my computer...but I had no luck. Ugh. We also...very awkwardly...ran into my ex-boyfriend. My first love. The guy I lost my virginity to. We're still friends. But I can never shake the weird feeling I get when I see him. Matt looked pretty uncomfortable too. :/

Our night ended with TV shows. I passed out not long after they began, LOL. But I woke up at 4:00 am, feeling extremely sick. Its been happening ever since Wednesday. Same time every morning. Its creepy. Plus I had unexplainable scratch marks on my arm. The cats aren't allowed in the rooms at night...so what the fuck!? D:

Today has been alright so far. I'm feeling a tad bit better. I ate an entire meal for the first time in days, plus I got to watch new episodes of my favorite shows. It cheered me up. But I'm gonna go now. I've written this entire blog on my phone. I don't recommend doing it. It's so frustrating. -_-

Edit @ 10:13 pm: I got a cute, and somewhat funny picture of Matt and I cuddling with Dexter. He's warming up to me. Yay! ^_^

always wear the happy face

♪♫ California Uber Alles - Dead Kennedys

I'm in a super cranky mood right now. But I'm gonna write this blog despite my current state. Otherwise it will bother me. Ugh. My OCD has been bad this week. Its driving me nuts. Anyways, I'll begin with Tuesday; I cleaned for most of the day. Like I usually do. And Matt cleaned! Without me asking him to! It was a huge shock, LOL. He did a good job too. xD

I also received two packages in the mail that day; the Tool shirt for Matt, and season two of Twin Peaks on DVD for his mum. Both of 'em were happy. Yay! I pretty much just ended that day by bundling up in my Game of Thrones blanket, drinking hot chocolate and watching TV. :3


It was freezing outside on Wednesday. So I had to get a taxi to get to an appointment with my psychiatrist. Which went well. And I got to make an appointment with my therapist. Yay! Afterwards, I decided to find wifi to use for a bit...which turned out to be a long and irritating adventure. A lot of places have awful wifi! But I finally found a fast one at the library, so I just hung out there and downloaded new episodes of my favorite shows. :P

The weather started getting really bad about an hour later. So they decided to close the library. And several other places in the mall too. Ugh. But I managed to download everything in time! Then I grabbed Subway for dinner, and got a taxi to Matt's house. No way in hell was I gonna walk in a blizzard. I didn't even know it was a blizzard until I checked the weather app on my phone. -_-

Matt was gonna go out, but I warned him about the storm just as he was about to leave his house. So we just relaxed and watched shows while I indulged in my Subway. He also read my story (Time Is Running Out). He seems to really like it! I wanna re-read it myself, plus write more...but I'm waiting till the summer. Because hopefully by then I'll have a new laptop. My netbook has been fucking up a lot lately. I don't think its gonna last much longer. :/

Matt's dad came home not long after I finished watching my shows. He went on the computer, while Matt and I were cuddling on the couch. Approximately an hour later we heard water running. His dad jumped up and ran into the bathroom. Then we heard him swearing. So Matt went and helped. Apparently the toilet tank cracked. Just randomly. No one had used the bathroom in a while. Its so weird. And his mum came home a minute later. I could tell she was stressed as all hell. Ugh. D:

The landlady came upstairs after a little while and informed us that a new toilet would be installed the next day. It was relieving to hear that. And we weren't totally screwed...there is a bathroom in the basement, LOL. Other than that unpleasant situation; we had nachos for dinner and watched Twin Peaks. Matt is getting into it. Wooo! Oh and I also received a package in the mail; my ying yang beanie. Its lovely! ^_^


Thursday was a very eventful day. It started off with a healthy breakfast, then Matt, his dad and I waited for the plummer to arrive. He ended up arriving just as I headed out. Matt's mum drove me to the post office (so that I could mail a letter to my grandmother). When I got back home, the toilet was pretty much finished being installed. Wooo! Matt and I watched more Twin Peaks, as we slowly got ready to go out. :P

We met up with Kara and went to our usual bar. Got two pitchers of beer right away. I wasn't gonna drink, but I thought "hey, why not have one or two!?". So the night began. And things got weird pretty fast. We noticed a girl who kept coming in and out of the bar. She was by herself and appeared to be in an unstable state. She wasn't drunk. She appeared to be high. So anyways, we end up overhearing a conversation that the bartender is having with a few people. Apparently the girl comes in every night, tries to have sex with every man she can, strips her clothes off, dances up against people...yeah, basically fucked up stuff. But it made us laugh. We had never encountered someone bold enough to do those things. xD


Kara and I went out for a cigarette at one point. I've cut back my smoking to about five a month. Yay! I'm so close to quitting! But anyways, Kara noticed that the girl...lets call her Mary. Okay, so Mary danced up to my boyfriend and ran her fingers through his hair. So I immediately put my cigarette out and ran inside. He looked so uncomfortable. And I was pissed. I gave her several dirty looks. But it didn't seem to faze her. She continued hitting on different guys. -_-

BJ showed up after he got off work. The whole idea of the night was to celebrate his 21st birthday (it was the day before though...). BJ got to witness Mary and her wild behaviour. Then we just started ignoring her and talking about random stuff. It was nice seeing him again. Even though there was a bit of awkwardness. I brushed it off and focused on having a good time. :)

Somehow Kara and BJ ended up talking to some old guy at the bar. Apparently he was rich and kept buying them both drinks. But he was also inviting them to his mansion. Matt and I were sitting across the room, but we got a major creepy vibe from him. So we just talked and whatnot. Kinda boring to be honest. I was a little annoyed with Kara and BJ for ditching us to hangout with some old creepy dude. Ugh.

We eventually went over to join them. But the old guy got sooo much creepier. He kept saying weird things to Matt (who looked super uncomfortable), then he told me that I look like a Romanian girl he was in love with once, I'm really beautiful, and that I can't understand A Clockwork Orange because I'm too young. What the fuck!? Kara and BJ didn't help. They were both hitting on the bartender. And not subtly. It was obvious, LOL.

The night ended with everyone taking a taxi home. Kara was two hours late getting home. Her mother was furious. But she says it was worth it. I can see why. We had a great (but somewhat strange) night. I can't wait to see them again soon! :)

I spent most of yesterday cleaning. My OCD was through the roof. But Matt was helpful. He went to the store and bought me banana marshmallows and a Kit Kat bar. How sweet! Plus helped me with cleaning a bit. We ended our night with Twin Peaks...again, LOL! Matt is addicted now. Muahahahaha.

Today has been a tiring day. I woke up before my alarm went off. Ugh. So I had breakfast and watched That 70's Show. Matt's mum came to pick us up sometime in the afternoon. I got my prescription filled, got a phone card for next month, and got a long distance phone card (so I can call my grandmother!). And Matt gave me a dollar for one of those machines with random objects. I ended up getting a cute bracelet. Yay. :)


I also used wifi at the library, and the mall. Mostly to download stuff. But I began feeling weak and shaky, so Matt bought me a red velvet muffin from Tim Horton's! I didn't even know they have them now! And they are so delicious! I just wish they had more frosting, LOL. Anyways, it did boost my energy, but...I began experiencing bad body aches. I was in a lot of pain. I didn't think I could finish this blog to be honest. So I relaxed on a bench for ten minutes, which actually made me feel better.


Now I'm here at Subway. I'm gonna finish this blog, then Matt and I are getting dinner, going back to his house, cuddling, and probably watching Twin Peaks again. Should be a good night. :P

the angel from my nightmare

♪♫ I Miss You - Blink 182

Friday was kinda dull. I was mostly depressed all day. Watching Friends again, of course. I really need to get out more. Starting to feel like I have cabin fever. Anyways, I did do one productive thing; I got all my Christmas cards done and ready to be sent! And my mum picked up a pack of stamps for me (& brought me chilli). I hope everyone likes them! Oh and I have inspiration to write...but no motivation...if that makes sense. Its frustrating. I wish I had more friends to talk to. And I wish my agoraphobia wasn't so bad right now.

I had quite the strange dream that night; My hot high school math teacher was there. I've always had a huge crush on him. So no surprise that I dreamt about him. Anyways, we lived in some sort of rooming house. But there wasn't enough beds, so we had to share. He began cuddling me at night in hi sleep. And one morning, we kissed. Somehow everyone else in the house got turned into a video game and we had to save them. So we got in a giant Hummer, which was really hard to operate. I couldn't make it up the road. Probably because he kept smiling at me and kissing me. Big distractions. Then he got turned into a video game and I had to save him. I panicked and ran back to the house. When I got there, a doctor was curing everyone. I walked by rooms and seen people sick in beds with nurses and doctors. Then I got to my room. He was there. So I walked over, sat down and he turned to face me. He looked so happy. And it all ended with a passionate kiss.

The dream left me with a feeling that felt so real. Something I haven't felt in so long; strong passionate love. I never felt that with BJ. I now know that we aren't meant to be. And I'm looking forward to finding that man who will kiss me so passionately that my entire body will tingle and I'll melt into his arms. I'm not gonna look though. I'm just gonna wait for prince charming to show up. :)

Later in the day, things got...interesting. I met up with Matt to watch the Santa Claus parade and get some hot chocolate. But we ended up not doing either of those things. Instead, we went to the bar for a drink. We sat on the patio and watched some drunk guy dance by himself, twerk and do jazz hands. It was hilarious. The whole patio was watching, laughing and cheering him on. Gotta love drunks, haha.

Our friend Ryan showed up after seeing on Facebook that Matt and I were at the bar. He bought us a pitcher of beer. I wasn't a beer fan before, but now I am! And Molson Canadian is the best! I had no problem drinking it. No bad after taste! Anyways, we munched out on cheetos, smoked cigarettes and played 'I never'. Ryan's friend Ben showed up in the middle of the game and joined in. But eventually we decided to play truth or dare...oh no. :P


Truth or dare got weird...like it usually does. I had to kiss both Ryan and Matt. Not awkward though. I don't mind kissing people. Ryan got the funniest dare; he had to lick a stranger's elbow. And he did it! The guy wasn't even mad. He laughed and came to sit with us. He was pretty cool. I think we had a second pitcher at some point. Its a bit foggy. But oh my fuck...I was so wasted. xD

Matt was acting odd. He looked upset, but we couldn't get him to talk. I already kinda knew what it was...he was upset that I kissed Ryan, because he has a crush on me. So I took him aside, and sure enough...I was completely right. So I told him that I have feelings for him. Which I do. But I'm not sure if they're really strong ones that will lead to a relationship. I also told him that I've just gone through a breakup. I was in a relationship for over a year. I just wanna fun right now and he shouldn't get his hopes up. He understood. Then...we kissed again. Because of silly drunk me.

We somehow lost Ryan and went on a journey to find him. But we ended up getting lost. We went up many flights of stairs and walked down many hallways. And guess what!? I ended up on the roof of the mall! I set the alarm off and didn't even bother running right away. I waited a few minutes, then Matt and I escaped. And I stole fake snow off a tree for no reason. Anyways, we decided to head back to the bars because we wanted to find Ryan and I wanted more beer. And it didn't take long to find him. He was on the patio of one of the bars.

I got more beer. Which I really didn't need. I was so drunk that I could barely walk. But I was loving it. Matt got upset again, because I was flirting with Ryan. I couldn't help it! He is a smooth talker. He knows what to say. I reminded Matt of what I said earlier and he cheered up a bit. Then I started acting weird. I kept laughing, nearly falling over and I stole a salt shaker. I think its part of my BPD. I have periods of time when I have self destructive behaviour. -_-

I vaguely remember going to the bank and Ryan getting money. Then I remember going to Julius for pizza and cigarettes. It was so delicious. But I felt kinda full from beer. So I ate it slowly. Matt went back to his bad mood again. Ugh. So Ryan invited us to his apartment. It was actually horribly boring when we got there. Matt was acting even more upset. Ryan felt bad. And I was drunk and being an idiot. We were supposed to play a drinking game, but Matt didn't wanna do anything. So Ryan and I walked him home.

He didn't wanna go home when we got to his house. So I asked him if he wanted to talk and he agreed. He ran upstairs to get his jacket, leaving me alone with Ryan. And he ended up kissing me. Ahhh. Why was I sluttin' it up all night!? Single life after being in a relationship for so long has turned me into a wild girl! Anyways, we all walked to the park nearby and sat down. We didn't even talk about why Matt was upset. I began talking about horror, gore and serial killers. I don't know why. My mind is fucked up. Oh and Ben randomly walked by. So he stopped to talk for a few minutes and I gave him the rest of my pizza.

Ryan was cold and tired, so he decided to head home. I stayed with Matt, and we talked more about things. I tried explaining it all better. I also added that I change my mind a lot because of my mental issues. I'm unstable. But I proposed the idea of friends with benefits. He had a huge smile on his face after that. But I'm not sure if that is gonna happen. I think I just wanna stay single for now. Anyways, he walked me home. We had a slightly awkward moment at my door when we almost kissed, but hugged instead. Oh and I found out that I won the auction for the Jumanji game on Ebay! :D

Today I woke up with a bad hangover. I forgot the golden rule; always drink a glass of water before bed. Ugh. I took a risk by getting my step dad to get me two bowls of chilli. It was really spicy, delicious and filling. And you'd think that would make me puke, but I was fine! Also, since I have such a guilty conscience, I told BJ everything about my wild drunk night. He was okay with it. Then Ryan and Matt kept messaging me. Both wanting to hangout with me. I kinda just avoided it. Other than that, I've been drinking lots of water and resting. My hangover is pretty much gone now. Yay!

happy halloween!

♪♫ This Is Halloween - Marilyn Manson

Happy Halloween! This is definitely my favorite holiday (I know its technically not a holiday - but whatever). And I had an amazing time today! I woke up early, relaxed for a bit, got ready, painted my nails, put my pumpkin earrings on, and packed my costume (which barely fit into my bag). And BJ showed up right on time to take me out for lunch at Cora's. It was delicious, but I didn't finish all of it. I was distracted by my excitement about Halloween. After that, we walked to the bank, so that I could deposit the $250 my mum paid me back (its the last bit she owes me). Then we caught a bus going to his house.

I was at his house for a little while. I had to be at Kara's for 4:30 pm and he had to be at work for 4:30 pm. So we had some time to kill. I pretty much just watched Jerry Springer, and BJ played GTA V. I wanna play it so badly! A little while before we had to leave, I did my makeup and put my costume on (Alex Delarge from A Clockwork Orange). Too bad I forgot the glass of milk. Oh well...I looked great anyways. But getting a good picture was really hard. Only one turned out alright and I still look kinda awkward. xD


BJ walked me near Kara's, then he went to wait at the nearby bus stop. When I got to her door, I didn't even have to knock. She opened it instantly, and she was putting Bentley's (my godson) horse costume on. He looked so cute (but it was really hard to get a picture of him - he kept moving)! And he had a little Spiderman bucket for his candy. Kara didn't have a costume. Just a masquerade mask. Which she didn't even wear. I felt a little bit silly. But people thought I was trick or treating and gave me a bit of candy. I just added it to Bentley's pile. He got a lot of candy for only going around the block once! ^_^


After we got back to Kara's, Bentley went to her aunt's for the night. So Kara and I started getting ready. I took off my makeup and my costume. We had plans to go to a bar and I didn't wanna look weird. Kara had a bit of beer and smoked a joint, then we called a taxi to Dooly's. But we ended up going to Giant Tiger first. Kara needed rolling papers and she felt awkward asking for them, so I had to buy them for her, LOL. Then we finally went to the bar. We each got a Mike's hard lemonade (Kara had the cranberry & I had the regular). And oh my fuck...it was expensive. Plus the bar lady was an airhead. She was wearing a Catwoman costume that she made herself, but she didn't have a mask. So it just looked like a black spandex outfit. :/


We also played a really fun game of pool. I'm a lot better at it than I thought! It was a tie at the end, but Kara won. And she brought her masquerade mask and wore it for a bit. Silly drunk Kara, haha. And we tried to win a big stuffed raisin in the claw machine. But no luck, sadly. So we went into the mall to roll a joint in the bathroom. That was a bit of funny experience. Some crazy drunk lady was dressed up as a cat and yelling at her shoes. The look on Kara's face was hilarious. When the crazy lady finally left, Kara asked me for the rolling papers...and I didn't have them. So we had to walk back to Dooly's to check, and sure enough...they were in front of the claw machine! xD


We walked outside for a cigarette and it was pouring rain. Plus very windy. Unexpected. And unpleasant. So we walked to another mall and decided to roll the joint in that bathroom. It didn't take long to get there, and she finally got to roll the joint. We went looking for another bar to drink at, but we gave up on that idea and found a secluded spot for her to get stoned. I decided not to for once. :P

We had to go into another mall (there is a lot of malls around here...), so that I could use their wifi and transfer money into my chequing account for a taxi. But as I was doing that, Kara wandered towards A&W and got us some munchies. She got the burger and I got the fries. It was heavenly. After that, we called our taxi to go to BJ's house. But I forgot to go to the bank machine, so Kara had to pay for it. Oops. At least we made it to BJ's house a few minutes before he got home from work. We waited on his porch, which was covered in awesome Halloween decorations and lights. So magical. :3


He had a smoke with us on his porch, but it was freezing, so we made it quick. When we got inside, his mum gave Kara and I special treat bags. Plus one for Bentley. I feel so special. And Kara finally got the Halloween cupcakes that I made for her. I hope she likes them! Anyways, we started a game of Trivial Pursuit, but it didn't last long. BJ had to study and do homework, so his mum drove Kara and I home.

Its pretty great that I didn't even go trick or treating and I got a decent amount of candy anyways. Wooo! Also, there was a package on my bed when I got home. It was two paintings from my dad. The one of David Lynch that I requested, and one of a church. I am so in love with them! Especially the David Lynch one! I just need to find a frame for it. I love receiving early birthday/Christmas presents. :D


In conclusion; it was lovely hanging out with Kara like old times. And it was great that she treated me out. So yeah...I'm gonna spend the rest of my night watching American Horror Story: Coven, eating fish chowder and bundling up (because its freezing in here). D:

P.S. I didn't get to watch all the movies on my Halloween movie marathon list. But I watched most of them. Good enough. :P

this surely is a dream

♪♫ Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground

So this is the last blog I will be writing before my surgery (which is tomorrow - wish me luck!). I'm not sure when I'll be able to write another blog. I don't know how long it will take for me to recover, but I'm hoping its not any longer than two weeks. I just gotta see how things go. And holy fuck...I'm scared as all hell. :'(

I had a really great day on Sunday. Probably one of the best days I've had in a while. I got ready (& got a picture of myself), met up with Matt, and got some smokes + Powerade at the store. Matt dropped his twelve pack of beer on the way, but luckily only one busted open. So yeah...it didn't take long for us to get to Michelle's for her potluck/party sorta thing. I had only met her a few times before, but she was friendly and she made me feel very welcome. Also, Matt and I were the first two people to arrive. And since Michelle was still preparing the food, Matt and I just sat around and waited for people to show up.


People finally started to arrive about a half an hour later, so we went to socialize. As soon as I walked into the kitchen, I seen my Instagram buddy Sarah (we always like each other's pictures)! I knew she lived in the city, but I had no idea that she knew the same people that I did. It was a huge surprise and she ran to get her boyfriend and bring him to me, then said "This is the girl! My Instagram buddy!". It was pretty exciting. She is such a sweetheart! We talked for a bit, even though I was really awkward. But she is a talkative person, so I don't think she noticed my awkwardness. :P

Everyone else finally showed up, which included some of my best friends; Kat, Missy, Adam and Garnet. I was so pumped to see them! And I seen some old friends that I haven't seen in a really long time. It was a nice reunion. Anyways, we went out for a smoke and I ended up doing a burn with Sarah and Erica (since I can't drink anymore - I just have weed left). I got pretty stoned (still no anxiety!). It loosened me up and made me less awkward. Also, it caused a series of jokes from Kat about me injecting pots, leaving my pot needles in her house, doing pans, smoking pants, getting other people addicted to drugs, needing an intervention, etc. It was hilarious. She was quite drunk. xD

I spent most of my night with Kat, Missy and Matt. There were so many jokes and weird conversations. I loved it. But I didn't like that Matt was following me everywhere. Apparently he has a crush on me. I'm always so oblivious to that sort of thing. Anyways, I ate lots of food (best thing ever - mint chocolate girl guide cookies), joked with Missy about living in her closet, got a couple pictures with Missy and Matt, and other stuff that I can't really remember. In conclusion; it was an awesome time. And I really needed it too. :)


Since its scary as hell around here, I got Matt and James to walk me home. And I'm really glad they did, because something really uncomfortable happened. As we were walking past the strip club, a car full of guys drove by, and they yelled "fuck you!", "whore!", and gave us the finger. James yelled something at them, but I forget what he said. Anyways, they followed us and slowed down their car when we were across the street from the bank. Then they yelled "fuck you!" and gave us the finger again, plus called us "sluts!". Matt gave them the finger back and they just drove off. It was so disturbing. I didn't know any of those guys, and they didn't know me. What makes them think its okay to degrade a woman? Especially in such a pathetic manner. Ugh. However, we did make some jokes and brushed it off. We blamed it on the rips in James' pants that showed off his knees. So slutty, haha. xD

I ended that night by sitting in the square with Matt for a bit (James went home), then I went home and relaxed until I fell asleep. The ending of the night was kinda lame to be honest. But I'm really proud of myself for getting out and interacting with people. My mental issues have been kinda bad lately, so I'm happy that I pushed myself to get out. :)

Yesterday was also a good day. I woke up and was feeling great for no reason. Maybe I was just still happy about the night before. But anyways, I began my day by listening to David Lynch, drinking blueberry herbal tea from my Alice in Wonderland tea cup + tea pot set, and eating oatmeal with brown sugar + cinnamon. Yay! Then I quickly got ready to go to BJ's house for thanksgiving dinner. I decided to wear my fall sweater for the first time this year. It so warm and comfy. :3


BJ and his uncle came to pick me up. I was surprised, because I thought his uncle was out of town. But anyways, I made it to his house. And wow...I feel special. His mother made an entire thanksgiving dinner for me (since my parent's don't celebrate holidays). They had already had a dinner with their extended family over the weekend, but she made a second dinner so that I could have thanksgiving dinner. She even made homemade pumpkin pie and whipped cream, because she knows its one of my favorite desserts! His mom is awesome! But we were so full from dinner that we had to take a break before having dessert. We just relaxed in the living room, and BJ showed me the They Live references in Saints Row IV. :D

After dessert (which was amazing!), BJ and I watched Ghost Adventures. I got him to watch the Poveglia episode, because its my favorite. I think he enjoyed it...not entirely sure though. The episode wasn't the best quality, because we watched it on YouTube. But I did get some yummy chocolate coconut square thingys halfway through watching the episode. They were sooo delicious. I want more. We also looked through Netflix (so that I can see what I'm gonna get when I get Netflix soon), and I found out that they have all the episodes of Twin Peaks. But I'm still going to be buying the DVD set. ^_^

His mom drove me home after that. And I had to quickly clean before my mom came home. I finished just in time! She ended up sitting in my room for a couple hours and talking to me. I told her about my experience the night before with the douchebags yelling from their car. She decided it was a good idea to call the police. So we did, but they said they can't do anything about it. They just suggested that we carry a knife in our purse. So I guess my mom is buying me a knife now. So yeah...nothing else interesting occurred. :P

Today was a great day, once again. Seems like I've been having good luck in the past few days. Anyways, I had to go to an appointment with my therapist not long after I woke up. It was really uncomfortable. We somehow ended up discussing something and she made me feel bad about it. And she wants me to go to a group every Monday. Not sure if I'm gonna do it though. I don't feel that comfortable discussing my issues with a room full of strangers. :/

I had a little bit of time to kill afterwards, so I just walked around the mall. Not long after that, I met up with Missy. We continued walking around for a bit. She was really nervous because today was her first day of work, so I was trying to distract her (I'm not sure if I helped at all). Then we met up with BJ in the square. Kat, Adam, Alice and Eugene showed up not long afterwards. They were throwing seeds for the pigeons and I'm terrified of birds, so I kept running away and hiding. I'd rather hold a tarantula than be close to a bird. Seriously. I hate those fucking things. D:

We had a good time hanging out for a while, but everyone had stuff to do, so we all went our separate ways. BJ and I went to a mall on the other side of town, because I had some shopping to do. We got dinner first though. It was delicious, but he got really upset during the meal and I felt bad. I brought up something and he is beating himself up about it. I wish I could do something to help. Ugh. :(

I also felt bad about dragging him around for so long. We went in so many stores and I bought pretty much everything I need (minus a few things that I don't even need for a couple weeks - blue hair dye, tint brushes, bowls & groceries); bleach, sprinkles, orange gel icing, a cupcake holder, strawberry ice cream and Powerade. Wooo! And I had way too much fun in Walmart. I put on a Luigi costume and BJ took some pictures of me. They're pretty awesome. I wish I could have bought the costume. There is always next year I suppose. I also found a weird skeleton DJ thing that plays music. There is a video on my Instagram if you're interested. :P


BJ's mom drove me home after our long shopping adventure. I was pretty happy that I didn't have to take the bus, plus I wanted to get the strawberry ice cream into my freezer as soon as possible. So BJ walked me to my door and gave me a goodnight kiss. And since then...well I've pretty much been doing nothing. My mom gave me a package that arrived for me earlier today. It turned out to be the used book I ordered; The Silver Sword by Ian Serraillier. Its in great condition! Very happy with it! Also, I gotta clean quickly, then take some melatonin and go to sleep. I have to wake up at 8:00 am for my surgery. Ahhh. Its gonna be so unpleasant. :'(