♪♫ Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton
I was going to write a blog a week and a half ago about all my life updates in the past few months... but life had other plans. On January 6th, my 16-year-old cat Kitkit started showing signs of a health issue. I was laying next to her, and her face just looked... Different. I had this gut feeling that I didn't have long left with her. That same day I noticed that she hesitated when jumping off my bed, which she never did before. Each passing day, it got worse. It went from hesitation, to jumping and her right back leg giving out, to both legs giving out, then she stopped trying to jump at all and just stayed on my bed, not eating, drinking, or using the litterbox. I wasn't sure what happened, so I brought her to the vet. It took me a few days only because I thought maybe it was just a mild sprain. I've seen her limp before for a day or two and then she was fine... I was hoping that was the case again.
For some additional context; last year she was diagnosed with early stage of kidney disease. I brought her to the vet for check ups and monitored her through the year. A few months ago, I noticed she was dragging herself a lot. Her energy seemed low. The vet told me that she has arthritis and so we began a monthly needle for the pain. So I when I took her to the vet on January 9th, they did an X-ray and it showed that her kidneys were in far worse shape than we knew. Her blood tests hadn't shown the reality of how bad it was. It also helped the vet determine that the issue with her legs was actually her hips which were basically dislocating from the severe arthritis. The fact she wasn't trying to jump or move means the arthritis reached a level of pain that the monthly needle was no longer helping.
Now the vet explained that narcotics, which she would need for the pain, were not possible long term due to her kidneys being in such bad shape. Basically she would rapidly die from kidney disease. Waiting for her hips to heal was not an option because the pain was preventing her from drinking and using the litterbox... Also causing her to rapidly die from kidney disease. I couldn't bear to see her in so much pain, so I agreed to make an appointment for euthanasia for the next day, and the vet gave me narcotics for the last day of her life so she could be mostly free of pain. I was devastated to find out that I only had one day left with my bestest friend.
I took her home and spent every moment I could with her. I could tell that the meds were working because she was jumping up and down off of the furniture, although her legs were still giving out. She was laying with me and purring, and I gave her all her favourite treats. I kissed her lots and told her I loved her as I cried. I couldn't stop crying. I even picked up my parents to come see her one last time, because she had lived with both of them at different times and they love her too.
The next morning I took her in. It felt like my world was crashing around me. I could barely catch my breath. The vet took her out back to give her a sedative, then brought her back into the room with me. She was awake and aware, although drowsy. The vet asked if I wanted to hold her while they did it. I said yes. I always knew that I wanted to hold her while she died, even though I didn't want to witness it happen... I just couldn't let my baby die alone or without my comfort. The vet wrapped her lower body with towels and I pulled her close to me, resting her head against my chest. I told her I loved her, stroked her fur, and kissed her head as she died. She went peacefully in my arms, knowing the comfort and love of her mama in her final moments.
I have been crying since then. The worst of it was the first few days. I was a wreck. Barely eating, barely drinking, barely sleeping... I just couldn't function. Some people may not understand this deep level of grief over a "pet", but Kitkit wasn't just a cat. She was family to me. I love her deeply. I love her more than most members of my actual family. This loss is deeply impactful to me. It has shaken up my lack of beliefs about religion and has me questioning if there is an afterlife. I just hope to see her again someday... I hope that when I die, I see her running up to me, meowing, and putting her paws up on my leg to be picked up, just like she did when I would come home from work.
Kitkit was such a loving cat. Many people who don't have experience with owning cats seem to think that cats are mean and uncaring. That isn't true at all. Kitkit loved being cuddled, held, and petted. She was always demanding attention. She was never cruel to me. She had a funny mischevious personality. She loved knocking things off of my dresser. She loved eating plastic bags. She was scared of ceiling fans. She didn't like men a whole lot. She loved making biscuits and purring when I was next to her. She was so happy. She lived a very good life and only knew love and comfort. Despite that fact, I still feel deeply depressed about her loss.
Mama loves you forever Kitkit 🧡
I got her individually cremated, because I couldn't stand the thought of her not being with me or being in a mass cremation with other pets (I am still waiting on her box of ashes to be ready for pickup). I know it doesn't make total sense... its not really her anymore, its just ashes... but I still feel like its part of her and I need to keep it with me. Grief will have you doing weird things... I've been sleeping with a stuffed bear to help fill the void, because Kitkit used to sleep next to me every night. I haven't moved her litterbox because I cry at the thought of not seeing it (I did clean all the litter out of it though). I also smell her blanket when I'm really struggling, so that I can feel her presence even just for a moment. I have also been sleeping on my couch since it happened, because I can't yet bear to sleep in my own bed without her.
To work through my grief a little bit, I have been working on memorializing her. I have purchased several things online; a vintage gold cat frame brooch, a custom gold bracelet with her photo and name engraved on it, a car mirror hanging ornament with her photo and some personalized words, a pink leather paw pouch key chain to keep her fur clippings in, a 4x6 photo frame with paw prints on it, a little photo frame Christmas ornament with a paw print on the side, and I printed 368 photos at Walmart (basically every photo I have of her) and got a photo box to put them in. I also have several videos of her on my phone, which I uploaded to my private YouTube to ensure I have them in case something happens to my phone. Also, my dad, who is an artist, is also going to draw me a picture of Kitkit with angel wings and a halo. I just have to figure out where in my room to set up her memorial. I want it to be near my bed... but my space is limited, so I may need to install a wall shelf from Ikea.
In addition to all the things I ordered, I also had something that I actually purchased a year or two ago; a little photo album that says "my furry child" with pictures of cats on it! I found it at the thrift store for a few dollars and told myself I would eventually get pictures printed out of Kitkit and place them inside, but I really procastinated it... until now. I have too many photos of her to fit inside, so I chose my favourite ones to display in this little album. I'll cherish it forever.
I am also keeping some of her items; her two blankets, her favourite little mouse toy that I found in my bed after she passed way, her brush, and some of her treats. I need to still feel like she is with me. Parting with her has felt like a part of my soul has been ripped out. I'll never fully recover. Never. But I will learn to live with the grief and smile daily when I think of her. It will take a long time for me to work through this hard part... it hurts so bad. Its the worst emotional pain I've ever experienced.
Rest in peace sweet girl 🧡
I was going to write a blog a week and a half ago about all my life updates in the past few months... but life had other plans. On January 6th, my 16-year-old cat Kitkit started showing signs of a health issue. I was laying next to her, and her face just looked... Different. I had this gut feeling that I didn't have long left with her. That same day I noticed that she hesitated when jumping off my bed, which she never did before. Each passing day, it got worse. It went from hesitation, to jumping and her right back leg giving out, to both legs giving out, then she stopped trying to jump at all and just stayed on my bed, not eating, drinking, or using the litterbox. I wasn't sure what happened, so I brought her to the vet. It took me a few days only because I thought maybe it was just a mild sprain. I've seen her limp before for a day or two and then she was fine... I was hoping that was the case again.
For some additional context; last year she was diagnosed with early stage of kidney disease. I brought her to the vet for check ups and monitored her through the year. A few months ago, I noticed she was dragging herself a lot. Her energy seemed low. The vet told me that she has arthritis and so we began a monthly needle for the pain. So I when I took her to the vet on January 9th, they did an X-ray and it showed that her kidneys were in far worse shape than we knew. Her blood tests hadn't shown the reality of how bad it was. It also helped the vet determine that the issue with her legs was actually her hips which were basically dislocating from the severe arthritis. The fact she wasn't trying to jump or move means the arthritis reached a level of pain that the monthly needle was no longer helping.
Now the vet explained that narcotics, which she would need for the pain, were not possible long term due to her kidneys being in such bad shape. Basically she would rapidly die from kidney disease. Waiting for her hips to heal was not an option because the pain was preventing her from drinking and using the litterbox... Also causing her to rapidly die from kidney disease. I couldn't bear to see her in so much pain, so I agreed to make an appointment for euthanasia for the next day, and the vet gave me narcotics for the last day of her life so she could be mostly free of pain. I was devastated to find out that I only had one day left with my bestest friend.
I took her home and spent every moment I could with her. I could tell that the meds were working because she was jumping up and down off of the furniture, although her legs were still giving out. She was laying with me and purring, and I gave her all her favourite treats. I kissed her lots and told her I loved her as I cried. I couldn't stop crying. I even picked up my parents to come see her one last time, because she had lived with both of them at different times and they love her too.
The next morning I took her in. It felt like my world was crashing around me. I could barely catch my breath. The vet took her out back to give her a sedative, then brought her back into the room with me. She was awake and aware, although drowsy. The vet asked if I wanted to hold her while they did it. I said yes. I always knew that I wanted to hold her while she died, even though I didn't want to witness it happen... I just couldn't let my baby die alone or without my comfort. The vet wrapped her lower body with towels and I pulled her close to me, resting her head against my chest. I told her I loved her, stroked her fur, and kissed her head as she died. She went peacefully in my arms, knowing the comfort and love of her mama in her final moments.
I have been crying since then. The worst of it was the first few days. I was a wreck. Barely eating, barely drinking, barely sleeping... I just couldn't function. Some people may not understand this deep level of grief over a "pet", but Kitkit wasn't just a cat. She was family to me. I love her deeply. I love her more than most members of my actual family. This loss is deeply impactful to me. It has shaken up my lack of beliefs about religion and has me questioning if there is an afterlife. I just hope to see her again someday... I hope that when I die, I see her running up to me, meowing, and putting her paws up on my leg to be picked up, just like she did when I would come home from work.
Kitkit was such a loving cat. Many people who don't have experience with owning cats seem to think that cats are mean and uncaring. That isn't true at all. Kitkit loved being cuddled, held, and petted. She was always demanding attention. She was never cruel to me. She had a funny mischevious personality. She loved knocking things off of my dresser. She loved eating plastic bags. She was scared of ceiling fans. She didn't like men a whole lot. She loved making biscuits and purring when I was next to her. She was so happy. She lived a very good life and only knew love and comfort. Despite that fact, I still feel deeply depressed about her loss.
I got her individually cremated, because I couldn't stand the thought of her not being with me or being in a mass cremation with other pets (I am still waiting on her box of ashes to be ready for pickup). I know it doesn't make total sense... its not really her anymore, its just ashes... but I still feel like its part of her and I need to keep it with me. Grief will have you doing weird things... I've been sleeping with a stuffed bear to help fill the void, because Kitkit used to sleep next to me every night. I haven't moved her litterbox because I cry at the thought of not seeing it (I did clean all the litter out of it though). I also smell her blanket when I'm really struggling, so that I can feel her presence even just for a moment. I have also been sleeping on my couch since it happened, because I can't yet bear to sleep in my own bed without her.
To work through my grief a little bit, I have been working on memorializing her. I have purchased several things online; a vintage gold cat frame brooch, a custom gold bracelet with her photo and name engraved on it, a car mirror hanging ornament with her photo and some personalized words, a pink leather paw pouch key chain to keep her fur clippings in, a 4x6 photo frame with paw prints on it, a little photo frame Christmas ornament with a paw print on the side, and I printed 368 photos at Walmart (basically every photo I have of her) and got a photo box to put them in. I also have several videos of her on my phone, which I uploaded to my private YouTube to ensure I have them in case something happens to my phone. Also, my dad, who is an artist, is also going to draw me a picture of Kitkit with angel wings and a halo. I just have to figure out where in my room to set up her memorial. I want it to be near my bed... but my space is limited, so I may need to install a wall shelf from Ikea.
In addition to all the things I ordered, I also had something that I actually purchased a year or two ago; a little photo album that says "my furry child" with pictures of cats on it! I found it at the thrift store for a few dollars and told myself I would eventually get pictures printed out of Kitkit and place them inside, but I really procastinated it... until now. I have too many photos of her to fit inside, so I chose my favourite ones to display in this little album. I'll cherish it forever.
I am also keeping some of her items; her two blankets, her favourite little mouse toy that I found in my bed after she passed way, her brush, and some of her treats. I need to still feel like she is with me. Parting with her has felt like a part of my soul has been ripped out. I'll never fully recover. Never. But I will learn to live with the grief and smile daily when I think of her. It will take a long time for me to work through this hard part... it hurts so bad. Its the worst emotional pain I've ever experienced.
