I'm breaking out of this cage

♪♫ Not Afraid - Eminem

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog about general life updates. My last blog was about the loss of my sweet girl Kitkit, and the one before that was about my trip to Europe. In between all of that, I have had some updates that I haven't gotten the chance to share since about mid October. Starting with all the thrifting and eBay/Etsy purchasing I've been doing! The only thing I didn't purchase in the below images is the Carrie book with no title, which is what my dad bought me for my birthday in December. Also, this doesn't include all the clothes I have purchased. I usually don't post about clothes because I find it so much less interesting.

In my last blog, I had also discussed how I was working on memorializing Kitkit. Since then, all the items have arrived, and I picked up her box of ashes. I set up a little area on my shelf for her, but her box of ashes have been in my bed since I brought them home. I wrapped them in a thick blanket to prevent me from taking my eye out on the sharp corners, but I just couldn't bear to have her sitting on a shelf. At least not right now. I'm still struggling with the grief. Anyways, here is what I have to remind me of her...

Since she passed, I have been battling grief and grief-induced depression. It doesn't help that the winter here has been much harsher than usual, causing a snowstorm every single week. In addition to that, I'm working, doing a student placement, and taking two classes. I'm so overwhelmed and I don't have any control over it. It feels like I'm drowning. My goal of starting my career and finally having my own place seems as far away as it did five years ago. The goal posts keep moving, and I'm exhausted. I'm thirty-three, and I shouldn't be in survival mode just to try and start my life at this point. It feels frustrating and unfair that I am struggling so much.

Another blow to my mental health came last week when I received a rejection letter for my master's degree. A bachelor's degree in my field doesn't get me much more money than I make now, and the cost of living in my area is super high. I need a master's degree to get a higher paying job and actually live. Now I am worried about being homeless again. Everything I have worked towards for the past ten years has been fueled by my intense fear of being homeless again. I do not have family to help me financially or with a place to stay. My parents both live in tiny bachelor's apartments and are very low income. I am on my own to fight just to survive and I can't fucking take it anymore.

As I write this, my blood pressure feels like its rising. This is becoming so ridiculous and I honestly want to give up and just let everything fall apart. Maybe I'm meant to live on the streets, since life has handed me almost no lifelines and everything feels like I'm playing a game on hard mode. Its difficult to watch people accomplish all of these things with ease from having so much financial and emotional support. Those same people try and give me advice or guidance, and its just frustrating to hear anything from someone who has so much help. They don't understand how difficult this has been for me and how devastating it will be if I fail. I can't run to family for a place to live and money for a different degree. I have no backups.

I still have two more master's programs to apply to, but I feel so defeated. It feels like there is no point. I'm trying to climb out of a pit that keeps getting deeper. I hate my life right now, and that is an awful thing to admit, because I loved my life for years up until now. It all fell apart so quickly. I don't feel like myself at all. I feel so disconnected from who I am.

That is a heavy rant, but I needed to get it off my chest. I don't know what will happen in coming months, but I am not able to continue with this stress much longer, and quitting is so appealing to me right now. And no, I'm not suicidal. I certainly feel like everything is unbearable, but my brain hasn't reached that thought yet.

happy thanksgiving to my fellow canadians!

♪♫ Nothing

Its been two weeks since I last blogged... oops. I've been pretty busy with school lately, plus volunteer work. I'm currently not feeling well due to eating too much food at Thanksgiving dinner, so I'm going to do this in bullet points and in no particular order...

I had a Harry Potter marathon last week. It made me really want to buy all the movies on Blu-ray, because my DVDs are getting old. Maybe I'll get them for my birthday or Christmas!

I took a new selfie a couple weeks ago and I think that I look super cute!

I got some pretty awesome DVDs and Blu-rays lately; The Addams Family / Addams Family Values, Stephen King's IT, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto, Supernatural Season 11, and Dreamcatcher / Dolores Claiborne / Cat's Eye / Creepshow. I also got a pair of sweat pants and two pairs of warm knitted socks!

Canada Post won't deliver mail to me for some reason. They are still delivering my checks, but nothing else. They won't tell me why. It really pisses me off. So now I'm having things sent to my cousin's house. She will hold onto any mail I receive until I'm able to pick it up.

I took part in a mock train crash. It was basically for the paramedics in training to get an idea of what a disaster situation would be like. I was patient zero (people were joking that I start the zombie apocalypse), I had a head injury and I was DOA. Here is me with the sfx makeup (they added more fake blood to my nose area after the picture was taken)...

I've started to re-watch Lost. Its been too long since I last re-watched it!

I'm completely in love with the veggie burgers from A&W. I'm trying not to eat them because they're super unhealthy, but its hard to stay away!

I'm currently at home for the weekend because its Thanksgiving here in Canada. I had Tofurky, roasted potatoes / carrots / onions, peas, stuffing, and mushroom gravy. It was too delicious and filling! I couldn't even eat half of it!

I've been watching a lot of John Oliver lately. I love Last Week Tonight, but it makes me think back to when The Colbert Report was on. I was so attached to that show and I really miss it...

I had some delicious vegetable fried rice with tofu for my dinner on Friday night!

There have been tons of creepy clown sightings in my town. People from my class have seen them. I haven't yet and hope that I never do, because I'm terrified of clowns!

I found the prettiest pasta ever when I was out shopping yesterday. Its multi-colored and shaped like leaves + pumpkins. I can't wait to try it!

I've become addicted to the series Broadchurch. I swear that British people make the best TV shows and movies!

I ordered two items online for myself. I got a Locke (Lost) mug for my birthday and a handmade Ravenclaw (book colors) scarf for Christmas! Once they arrive, I'm putting them away until December. I'm so excited for the day that I get to use them! ❤️

I got accepted for my local youth council, but I can't accept due to not having a drive to the first meeting, which is an hour away. Its a shame because I'm quite sure that the council gets to meet Justin Trudeau in 2017.

My grandmother was nice enough to purchase some vegetarian friendly Halloween candy for me! Including Jelly Belly's candy corn, which is my favorite!

I started volunteering at a homeless shelter and I love it so far! Working with homeless people is my main career goal, so its very good experience for me.

I got some groceries this weekend to take back with me...

I'm currently enjoying a piece of pumpkin pie with some CocoWhip!

I need to get back to my healthy diet because I've been eating a lot of junk food and have probably gained 5 lbs or so.

I finally got my bangs trimmed! They were starting to get really annoying, haha.

Two exciting videos have come out lately; a Twin Peaks teaser and a POTC: Dead Men Tell No Tales teaser! So excited for both!



That is all for now. I will blog again next Sunday!

they meshed the light of moon and sun

♪♫ Far Over the Misty Mountains Cold - The Hobbit

Another week of school has gone by and I haven't had a mental breakdown yet... haha. I had a group project and a group assignment to do this week. We're almost done the project, and we've completed the assignment... which I'm really happy about. However, I found out on Friday that we have a test tomorrow... so I'm pretty stressed about that. I was gonna start studying Friday night, but I was busy with other homework. Then I was going to start it yesterday... and I got super busy again. I started studying earlier today, but I doubt that one day of studying is gonna make a difference. I'll be lucky if I pass... but who knows... it is multiple choice, so I could very well end up passing with a decent mark! Wish me luck!

So I've had an interesting week... on Monday I woke up covered in tiny little bites. I wasn't sure if it was bed bugs or fleas. I emailed my landlord about it, and later that day she brought an exterminator over. He couldn't find any bugs. He said that I likely got bitten when I was outside for too long and just didn't notice right away. That is good news though... bed bugs and fleas are hard to get rid of!

My school was evacuated on Wednesday due to a bomb threat. There a bunch of bomb threats across Canada, apparently. My school wasn't actually specifically targeted, but we were evacuated anyways as a security measure. I was in the middle of doing a project in the computer lab at the time. Thankfully I was able to save my work before rushing out the door! It was pretty freaky! There was a forensic team waiting outside the school, plus a bunch of police officers. Not sure if they have figured out the legitimacy of the threat or not... but I hope everything is good now!

While I was at the grocery store on Wednesday night to pick up a few food items that I needed, I ended up buying some that I didn't plan on; a cute little plastic coffin box! It was only $2 too! I just can't say no to coffin shaped things!


I finally called Canada Post on Thursday. I haven't gotten any mail for a couple of weeks, which is very odd. People have been sending me letters and packages, but they're all being returned to the sender. Canada Post said that my address was correct, and there seemed to be no other reason for mail not being able to be delivered, so they are investigating. They told me that mail should be flowing again within the next week. Hoping that I don't have to contact them again about this. I've never had this happen before... its so weird...

I also did that "describe yourself in 3 fictional characters" thing...


John Locke; because I believe very strongly in destiny, I'm very philosophical, I'm a natural leader, I have one bad parent + a mentally unwell parent, and I don't let people tell me what I can't do! He is one of the first fictional characters I ever connected strongly with, and I even have the word "destiny" tattooed on my right wrist because of him!
Steven Hyde; because I'm very chill, I love Led Zeppelin, I hate the government, I do my own thing, and I have curly hair.
Chandler Bing; because I'm very awkward, I make jokes too much, I'm sarcastic often, my love life is not very exciting, and I smoke cigarettes on occasion.
Oh and I found out what my patronus is on Pottermore...


Not sure how to feel about it...
Yesterday I got to try out Amy's tofu scramble breakfast wrap. I wasn't expecting to like it so much... but holy damn! Its so damn delicious! I ended up having another one this morning for breakfast. Definitely a new addiction! Honestly though... Amy's in general is an addiction for me, haha! Also, I re-watched the first two Harry Potter films, and got some Subway for dinner. So it was a pretty great day!


Today has mostly consisted of cooking/preparing food (mostly a bunch of rice & tofu), watching Harry Potter films, and studying for my test tomorrow.


Last, but not least... I really want to start re-watching LOST, but its not on Netflix anymore and all my DVDs are back home. I will just wait for a few weeks when I'm back home visiting to pick up the first few seasons. I normally re-watch it once a year. However, it usually takes a month or less to get through all six seasons. So... because I'm in school, it will probably take until January to finish all six seasons. I'm cool with that though. I'm just excited to dive back into the world of LOST! I also want to re-watch The Hobbit movies... which I also have on DVD back home. I have a feeling that I will have a big stack of DVDs to bring from home next time I'm there.

I'll leave you with another awesome picture + quote that I found on Facebook...

coming out as a vegan!

♪♫ Nothing

Yes, that's right... I'm a vegan now. This a very sudden change for me that I did not expect to make to be honest. What happened is this: on Wednesday afternoon I ended up watching Earthlings, which devastated me. I cried for hours. I couldn't handle it. I had no idea what factory farming was like. I knew I had no choice at that point. I couldn't pretend not to know. I had to stop consuming animal products. It was a rough couple of days filled with crying and depression. I also watched Cowspiracy, which covers the environmental aspect of factory farming and that just reaffirmed my decision. Then I did tons of research, watched some more documentaries on the benefits of a vegan diet, found some online communities for support, etc. I feel really good about my decision!

My veganism will extend beyond food. I was always against fur/real leather, so that will continue, but I will also be buying makeup and personal products that don't contain animal products and that were not tested on animals as well. Another thing is that I have decided to purchase reusable cloth pads. I know it sounds gross to a lot of people (don't be grossed out by your own body!), but its no more unsanitary than actual pads. I read up on how to clean them/keep them sanitary, so it should be fine. But yeah... its a $185 purchase, but they last at least five years! I did the math and I will save at least a few hundred dollars, probably more. I'm gonna go with the Lunapads brand. They have the best reviews that I could find. I'm excited to try them out!

For anyone feeling concerned about my health, I assure you that I've done a lot of research. I've also got my B12 supplements (over three months worth), and I'm tracking my protein and fat intake. I'm very motivated and have no intentions of relapsing back to my old diet. I'm doing this for life. The only thing I worry about is what people's reactions will be. I know that veganism is not seen favorably by people. I just don't want to have issues with my own friends and family over it. People's reactions have been alright so far... aside from my dad. I told him over the phone and he slowly became more and more aggressive until he was full on ranting and saying some pretty vicious stuff, which shocked me. I never even went into details with anything. I just said that I'm vegan now and its because I watched a documentary (I didn't even explain the documentary in full detail - I just said that it was about how bad factory farming is), but he felt the need to explain to me why he thinks its okay to eat meat, why he hates having opinions shoved in his face (the fucking irony), etc. I didn't even say anything back really. I didn't know what to say. I felt kinda attacked and unsure of how to reply.

Anyways, aside from that unpleasantness, I have bought some pretty awesome vegan food in the past few days! It turns out that my city has a few vegan restaurants/cafes, plus some other places that have vegan options. I'm so happy that veganism is mainstream, because it means that I have lots to choose from! There is one restaurant here called Heartwood that is entirely vegetarian/vegan. No meat, but some dishes have dairy in them. I got a taco bowl from them on Friday and it was the most intense and amazing healthy meal that I've ever eaten. Its my new favorite for sure! I can't wait to try their other dishes! But yeah... I'll post pictures below of the food that I've bought so far...


I don't want to be preachy or annoying about my veganism. I may discuss it sometimes on here, but I don't hate people who eat meat. I'd love for everyone to be vegan, but I know its not possible for some people and some people just simply don't care. I want to be compassionate towards all living creatures, including humans. If you would like to ask me any questions, please feel free! However, I will not tolerate being harassed or trolled about this. I'm not hurting anyone (literally... lol), so there should be no reason for people to treat me any different! Anyways, that is it for now. I just wanted to get that out there!

please read...

♪♫ Ghost Song - The Doors

I would like to discuss something serious that I've been struggling with for a couple years now (since my 70 lb weight gain in 2014). I've tried to ignore it, but I just can't anymore. I'm talking about my lack of energy. I'm exhausted 24/7. I feel like I'm always dragging myself around. I feel like I want to go to sleep all the time. I'm sick of it. In fact, I'm so sick of it, that I made an appointment with my doctor last week to discuss it...

I had already seen him last summer about the same thing. He ran tests, and concluded that everything was normal. So I thought that maybe it was just the extra weight slowing me down or something. Anyways, this time he started asking me a ton of questions, mostly about sleep. He asked how much sleep I get, if I snore loudly, if I wake up during the night, etc. Then he told me that he thinks I have sleep apnea. I was surprised... but it also makes sense. I do have the symptoms, especially lack of energy. And it would also explain something else...

I got the doctor to weigh me while I was there, and I'm 5 lbs heavier than I should be by now (I count calories and measure everything that I eat too!), but guess what?! Sleep apnea slows weight loss quite a bit! That would explain the 5 lbs! I still lost 40 lbs though... so yay! But I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't a little upset over the 5 lb difference. It seems silly... 5 lbs is so small... but I really wanna be on track with my weight loss.

Anyways, he told me to make an appointment with the sleep clinic, so I did. I'm going on Friday... and I'm nervous. On the phone they said that they're gonna give me a machine for the night to monitor my sleep. You know what though? I actually hope that I have it. I know that sounds crazy, but I've spent too long having no energy and I just want to know why so that I can start fixing it. Admittedly, I will be upset if this isn't it. I don't wanna run more tests, and spend more time waiting. I want to get it over with.

This is also my explanation for why I don't write blogs very often. I'm just so exhausted all the time. Even sitting on my ass and writing a blog is tiring for me. I'm gonna try to write one a few times a month, at least until my energy comes back. I definitely miss blogging a couple times a week. And I apologize to my online friends that I haven't contacted lately, and my the lovely people on my blogroll, whose blogs I undoubtedly haven't commented on in a while. I want to... I really do. And I will! Just not at this time.

On a lighter note, my grandmother bought me a cute hippie bag at Walmart yesterday to cheer me up. I'm so in love with it! Its been a while since I had a hippie bag. I used to buy a new one every couple of months. Ah, those were the days, haha! Anyways, I've already added a little Led Zeppelin button to it. I need to find a big Led Zeppelin button though. That would look bad ass! I gotta say, despite my lack of energy, I've been feeling like myself again lately. After years of deep depression, I'm back baby! Wooo!

Heaven is a place on earth

♪♫ Nothing

Two and a half more weeks to go! I cannot wait until I am out of this hell hole. I’m never subjecting myself to this disgraceful behavior ever again. Be disgusting all you want to.. no woman is gonna stick around once she sees how you live! Grow the fuck up!

I’ve got almost everything I need for the move. I have a special large tote for all the new clothes, products, etc that I bought for myself. I just need: a pair of sneakers, two pairs of yoga pants, rubber boots, hairspray, heat protecting spray, makeup, and a zip up hoodie. Sometime in the middle of the summer, I’m gonna need: a bed frame, bed sheets, a duvet, two pillows, a scale, workout clothes, and sneakers for the gym. I hope it all works out!

I’m not sure how much I weigh right now. I know that I’m approximately 80lbs overweight though. My goal is to lose all of my excess fat in a year! I know its possible. I used to be thin. Plus I’ve done a ton of research, and read lots of inspiring stories. I’d love to wear pants with a one digit size, and wear tops in a small/medium! I can’t wait to be hot again!

I’m also thinking about writing a book about overcoming my mental illnesses and being an abuse survivor. I really want to help other people who are dealing with similar issues. I’d also love to write fiction stories, mainly in the fantasy genre. But I’d like to focus on my personal story first. I hope I find the time to complete it!

My life looks like its gonna be amazing. I’m so excited to get started! But sadly, I have two more weeks of absolute hell here. I have to stay in my bedroom, feeling depressed, only eating junk food, feeling awkward, and scared to touch anything due to germs. I will not miss this place at all. I won’t miss the two idiots who live here. I hope I completely forget about them. This was not a good experience. I deserve so much better.

Men who can't take care of themselves

♪♫ Nothing

It truly feels like summer today. There may not be leaves on the trees, but the grass is mostly green, and the sun is shining with no clouds in sight! I can hear birds chirping, people talking outside, construction occurring.. I just wish that I was at a BBQ. My mouth is watering just thinking about hamburgers, hot dogs, watermelon, pasta salad, and beer. I know that I’ll be able to in three weeks when I move. There is nothing here..

I’ve never lived with such disgusting people. Its unbelievable. It wasn’t bad at first. M’s mother lived here when I first moved in, and everything was moderately clean and tidy. As soon as she moved out.. it just got progressively worse over time. There is a fuck ton of dirty clothing piled up in the kitchen.. right in the middle of the floor. The dryer is broken, so it takes twenty-four hours to dry clothing.. and no one has bothered to fix it. The oven is also broken. It was broken before I moved in. So we just use a toaster oven.

The dishes are always piled up. And no one ever wants to clean them. I always clean the dishes I use, but I’m scared to touch the other ones. A lot of them have been sitting there for a month or more, and have mold.. like the fuzzy blue kind. Same with some of the food in the fridge. No one ever cleans the fridge out. I actually did once, but then I got scolded because apparently no one wants to smell rotting food till garbage day.. okay.. then throw the fucking food out on garbage day? This isn’t rocket science you twat?

I swear, I fucking swear, no one is fucking aware of cleaning products. They think that if it looks clean, then it must be clean! Because y’know.. we can obviously see all germs! Ugh. The bathroom is my worst nightmare to be honest. There is cat litter everywhere. And no one ever cleans it. Or the litter box. The litter box is left there for weeks sometimes. And somehow, some of the litter ends up in the fucking tub, the sink, even outside the bathroom..

Taking a shower is hell. I have a small section in the tub to stand in. The rest of the tub is filled with cat litter, old shampoo bottles, tiles, rust, hair, and random things that somehow made their way into the bathroom. The bathroom curtain is covered in dirt. The walls are covered in shampoo, hair, dirt, etc. The floor is not only covered in litter.. but also clothes. The toilet hasn’t been cleaned since M’s mother left. Its disgusting. I won’t even describe it. But I’ll just say: I always cover it in toilet paper before using it.

They’re both so fucking lazy and dependent on other people that when they run out of something, they won’t go buy more like a fucking normal person, they’ll just steal it from me. Example? My tooth paste. Once upon a time, everyone had their own toothpaste.. y’know.. like fucking normal people? And then they both ran out of theirs, but I got a new one. So guess what happened? Everyone used my motherfucking toothpaste, which is beyond disgusting to me. I brought it up, and guess what M’s reaction was? He literally thought there was nothing wrong with it. What the fuck?

I now hide most of my bathroom products in my bedroom until I need them. Its the only safe way. No one ever comes into my bedroom.. thankfully. Onto the living room.. its covered in crumbs, wrappers, dishes, bags, and other garbage. M decided to sleep on the couch instead of his bedroom. So he sleeps with sheets that he has never washed, has a dirty sock pile on the floor in front of the couch, and throws all his food wrappers and dishes onto the coffee table. I never sit out there.

When his mother first left, he told me that he didn’t know how to do laundry. I was shocked.. especially because he actually fucking expected me to do it. So I taught him how to do laundry. A few times, actually. And he seemed to understand it pretty well. But guess what? He never ever did his laundry. He has a pile of clothes on the side of the couch that he wears over, and over again. I feel vomit rising as I type this.

To top off this shit cake, there is literally cat hair on everything. The dishes, clean clothes, food, etc. My room is the only safe place. Even then, I sometimes still find cat hairs on my stuff. Ugh. I just can’t grasp how to grown men have literally no fucking clue how to take care of themselves and an apartment? I seriously feel so much pity for whatever women end up in their lives. Although, I think if any woman ended up coming here, she would never been returning after seeing the state of the apartment.

I completely understand why M’s mom left now. She briefly told me one time that M’s dad was just a man child, and I didn’t fully understand what she meant until now. I swear, when I leave, they’re both gonna drown in garbage. And I don’t even care. I just can’t wait to get the fucking hell out of this shit hole.

I miss the old me

♪♫ Nothing

I don’t feel like myself. I haven’t felt like myself in a very long time. Pretty much ever since I stopped speaking to my mother. It sorta flung me into a spiraling depression, that I’m still partially in. I have improved, but its still sucking me in. I just want to feel like myself again.

I used to do my hair and makeup everyday. I used to take pictures of myself frequently. I used to listen to music constantly. I used to write stories a lot. I used to wear my leather jacket whenever possible. I used to go for walks by myself. I used to dream about California. I was a wild child. A free spirit. A hippie. An anarchist. A romantic. Fearlessly living my life the way I wanted to.

I need to get myself back. I’m determined. I can’t stand this slob I’ve become.

it's far beyond the stars

♪♫ Beyond The Sea - Frank Sinatra

I remember when blogs were a safe haven. A place to vent your feelings and not worry about the people you know offline getting angry or upset. Like a little secret diary, except that you met friends through it. Friends from all around the world. That has always been one of the best things about having a blog. But that kinda gets ruined when one of your online friends decides to screw you over. Which I didn't even realize was possible from such a far distance. But yes, it is. That is my vague explanation of why my commenting systems are not available right now. I've written them something, and I do not wish to a get a reply. I already took precautions on my other accounts and whatnot. And nothing so far...but you never know. I could have accidentally left something open. :/

Aside from that, I've been thinking about my New Year's resolution. I know that people almost never follow them. Its a silly concept, I suppose. But I'm actually thinking of doing something that I've wanted to do for a while; reading a hundred books in a year. Although, it could be difficult, because of work...I'm still trying to figure out how it would go exactly. Should I make a list of a hundred books? Just go with it and not think about it? I don't know. D:

I'm pretty excited about tomorrow though! I'm going to BJ's house with Kara. I think we're playing Risk. Not our usual game, but its been a while since I played Risk, so yay! I'm probably gonna get my ass handed to me though. I suck at pretty much every board game ever invented, haha. I'm not sure if I'll be there to ring in the new year, or if I'll be home before then. But either way, I'm gonna have a good night. :D

i don't even know...

♪♫ Nothing

I'm not really one for noticing things right away. Especially lately...since I began my little Etsy shop...I've been quite busy. I've barely written any blogs, and I've barely commented on other people's blogs. But I have a few people that I've met online, that I like to send cards for Christmas. And naturally, being me, I never write anything down. When I need someone's address, I just ask them via Facebook or Email. Yes, all of this is leading up to a bit of a story...

Back in November I was asking a few people for their addresses on Facebook. However, one person whose address I needed...was not on Facebook. Like their profile disappeared. It was odd. But I suppose that people sometimes deactivate their Facebook, so I didn't think much of it. I emailed them instead. But I got no answer. So I emailed again. And still nothing. Huh. It was becoming very strange. I couldn't find any of their social networking sites that I followed. They all seemed to have disappeared. But of course, I always assume that there must be a good explanation. Sometimes people get sick of shit and delete everything. I've been there...

I never once thought that maybe the person had actually intentionally blocked me. Well...until a few weeks ago. The thought started creeping around and I wondered why they would do that. I had never had an argument with them. Never been rude or mean. Hell, maybe I suck at talking to people regularly...but I do that with pretty much everyone. I'm a closed in person. A hermit. But that can't be the reason. Why would someone get mad about that? But I guess the reason behind it doesn't matter at all. Because the person thought so little of our friendship that they didn't even bother to talk to me about it. They didn't attempt to work it out. They just cut me out. Like I didn't even matter to begin with. Yeah, that is pretty hurtful...

So what I've gathered from this is that; I never did anything wrong, and that person...sadly...is not a good person. And it sucks that it took me months to figure it out, because I didn't wanna believe that someone would actually be that shitty to another person. I'm naive, clearly. But everything happens for a reason. Maybe this happened to teach me not to so easily let people into my life. Be more aware that people like that do exist and I have to keep myself safe...

I guess its true that people can only hurt you if you care about them to begin with. What a twisted irony...

Update: I received a comment on my blog, which I chose not to publish. It was somewhat confusing. I guess I'm being childish and I should grow up for...well I'm a little unclear about that. She mentioned my friend contacting her. I don't control what other people do. Nor do I condone it. The reason I was given for our friendship ending was laughable. From what I remember, it was barely a one minute conversation about something. Which, somehow, led to her believing that I was judging her...I...don't even know how she gathered that from what I said. I'm not a judgmental person. And I certainly never have drama "like a high school kid". This is the only silly drama I've had in a long time. And she brought up the fact that she is older. Like it was a magical phrase that made her more mature somehow. Which clearly isn't true. Her blog is drama, drama, and more drama. Always bitching about everything, then claiming to be positive. Heh. Maybe I'm being a bit immature. No one is perfect. We all lash out sometimes. But here is a question; does she think its mature to leave a comment on my blog?

Trust me when I say that I know how certain mental disorders work. How people act. I have quite a few myself. This person suffers from a personality disorder. No matter what they say about it being gone, its not. That is something I've kept to myself. I always encourage people getting better, even if they haven't improved much at all. The point I'm getting at is this person has a pretty bad case of this disorder. Always getting angry for reasons that are silly. And cutting people out for no good reason. Its a scary switch back and forth between the positive moments the person has. Black and white. That is all the person sees. And black is the usual. I understand that a blog is a place to vent your feelings...but if someone has that many angry feelings...that requires help beyond writing can help.

If she feels so easily torn down and attacked by everyone, maybe its not them. Maybe its her. No, actually it is her. She takes it too personal. She thinks people just wanna hurt her all the time. Which is probably what made it easy for her to hate me over the literal most stupid thing I have ever heard. If its that easy to cut me out, I'm sure its happened to tons more people. Hell, I'd be surprised if she had an actual friend at this point. Man, I'm being harsh. Why? That is what happens when you hurt people. They fire back.

For someone of your age, which is mature in your eyes, you sure enjoy treating people like shit and writing blogs about your drama (involving people who read your blog), somehow not expecting it to slap you in the face. You're maturity badge has been revoked. And should have never been given to you, honestly. You're not positive. And you'll never be. Your nature is pessimistic. But I'm sure somehow it was screwed into your head that you need to portray an image of happiness and rainbows, along with tie dye clothes and weed. Yeah man. Such fake. Much lies. 10/10 bad hippie. Get in line with the other wannabes. Pretending to be something, doesn't make it happen.

You're not a victim. Maybe at point you were, and now you just assume that you can do no wrong and that everyone is an enemy. I don't know. But you sure act like everything is out to get you. Like you never provoke anyone to verbally bitch slap you. I'm not buying that act. But by all means, wear all the peace signs and pentagrams that you want. Its not fooling anyone. But go ahead anyways.

Thanks for trying, but you lose. Have fun typing LOL when mentioning it and pretending like it doesn't bother you. Maybe it fools some of the poor people that you've pretended to be friends with. And maybe thats a comfort to you...knowing that some people actually buy your bullshit.

Its interesting that you told me to leave you alone when I left one comment on your blog, that had nothing to do with this. It was a Merry Christmas, which I take back. How about you leave me alone? Stop writing cryptic blogs that are probably referring to me? Its creepy, dude. Please get help. You need it.

coming out of the closet

♪♫ Nothing

warning!
This post contains sexual content. Read at your own risk! 
Early this morning, I did something that I've been afraid to do for a very long time. Mainly due to my mother being overly religious and homophobic, and having fear that my female friends would look at me differently. But my mother isn't in my life anymore. I cut her out. And I realized that if my friends don't accept me, they were never true friends to begin with. But since my family is in another province and all my friends are hard to reach at times, I simply posted a long Facebook status about it. To put it simply; I'm Pansexual. Google it if you're unsure what it means.

I've had strong feelings for two women, strong feelings for a transsexual, and been in love with a woman. Men too, but that is common knowledge to most people. I've only been in love three times. And I know how controversial that is. Most people say you can't be in love when you're only fifteen. Or that you can only truly fall in love once. I know without a doubt that I've been in love three times, because I still haven't fully gotten over those people. They linger in my thoughts and visit my dreams. I feel a tinge of sadness about losing them from my life. And I wish them happiness, no matter who its with. However, out of those three people, I consider only one person the "one that got away". We never really dated. We were best friends and shared a sexual relationship. But we fell in love. Deeply. And with any good love story; things prevented us from being together. We tried friendship, but it was too painful.

That was a bit off-topic, but yeah...I've known that I was Pansexual since I was fourteen or fifteen, for sure. Before that, I did experience feelings for other girls, but I was confused about them. As early as the age of eleven, I knew that I wasn't completely straight. I remember wrestling with a girl that I was friends with and I got a strange tingly feeling. In other words; I was enjoying it a little too much. So I pushed her off and went home. I'll never forget that moment.

To answer questions people may have; no, I do not have a preference when it comes to gender or lack there of. I've have not had sex with any gender besides male (& I don't need to have sex with several different people to be sure of my sexuality). I have however, kissed several females. My first female kiss was when I was fourteen. A bisexual girl with gorgeous blonde hair, blue eyes and a lot of piercings. Kinda tomboyish. And she lived near me. It was exciting. I remember she just grabbed me and kissed me. And I liked it. A lot. Also, just because I'm Pansexual, doesn't mean I'll fuck anything (or date anything) with legs. I'm picky when it comes to people that I wanna be intimate with. I don't like girly girls. I've always been more into punk-ish type girls. And redheads. Always had a thing for redheads. I've maybe found three blondes attractive in my life. Not my hair color of choice for a girlfriend. I like curvier girls. I like bossy girls. And I like weird girls.

My first real crush on a girl happened when I was fourteen. It went on for a year or so. She was bisexual, but already had a girlfriend (one who cheated on her...couldn't stand the bitch in all honesty). We did make out once. But I never had the nerve to tell her how I felt. And then I ended up dating my first and only girlfriend. I think it only lasted two weeks. And I wasn't even really into the girl. She was crazy and annoying. I eventually ended it. And I never dated another girl again, despite several crushes and feelings that occurred since then. I just haven't found a girl in this city that is what I'm looking for. Hell, I didn't even care much about half the guys I've dated either. But I was young and it was fun for the time.

My ideal woman would be the same height as me. Close to the same weight as me. Long hair. I love long hair. I might have a hair fetish? LOL. Good hygiene is always important to me. Someone who isn't obsessed with drama and gossip. But loves to laugh and joke around. Open-minded. Good sense of humor. Very bossy in bed. I like being dominant sometimes, but I'm usually the submissive one. I'm kinky, therefore my ideal woman would need to be kinky. I wouldn't want a woman who is too into the bar scene. More like someone to become my wife and share a home with me. Have children, pets and share responsibilities. A woman who wouldn't cheat or try to bring anyone into our sex life. I'm not into sharing. At all. And I wouldn't want any "who is the man in your relationship?" bullshit. We're both women, and both equal. No one gets more of a say. Same thing when I'm with a man.

Having said all of that, I'm in a relationship right now. So that is just a "if we break up and I end up dating again" scenario. And the last question I'll cover is; I'm not gonna run out and buy everything covered in rainbows and listen to Tegan and Sara suddenly. No offense to anyone who does. But its not my thing. I'm still the same person I was before, and will always be. I love horror movies, Led Zeppelin and beer. I'm bitchy, sarcastic and weird. My sense of humor is fucked up. I don't like tomatoes or large bodies of water. I'm a cinephile. A dreamer. And an abuse survivor. But hell, that doesn't even cover a fraction of who I am.

Thank you to everyone who is accepting and supporting me. I appreciate it so much. So far, I've had no bad reactions at all. Everyone is proud of me. And I'm damn proud of myself! ^_^

Also, this is what happens when I tell my friends that I'm Pansexual...


LMAO! They're supportive, obviously. But also enjoying making lighthearted jokes about it, which breaks the ice and makes me feel a lot more comfortable talking about it. :)

she's known in the darkest clubs

♪♫ Queen Bitch - David Bowie

Hey y'all! Its been a fucking long time since I blogged. So sorry my lurrves! I was going through some shit, busy working, tryna see my friends, etc. I got a bunch of blogs from the past couple of months that I need to edit and publish. Its gonna take quite a while and I'm dreading it. Ugh. But I'm gonna do it...soon. I'm hoping to get a lot of it done this weekend. Wish me luck bitches! ;D

As you can see; I've changed the layout. Its neon and zebra print. Two of my favorite things ever! Also, I realized that I have been sugarcoating my personality online so that I don't offend anyone. But I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm gonna be me. Don't like it? Fuck off. :)

I'm just gonna go back to eating junk food and watching TV, like I've been doing all day. So laaaame, lololol. :P

happy 420 & happy easter ishtar?

♪♫ Nothing

Happy 420 to all my stoner friends! I don't smoke weed anymore, but I'm all for the decriminalization of it! It has a lot of amazing benefits for medical and recreational use! Seriously...research it! Although...I do think that protests should be held more than one day a year. Its really not gonna make a big difference to sit in front of a government building and smoke a joint on April 20th every year. Just sayin'...



Oh hey, its Easter too!
Here is a little something interesting...


I can't prove that the above statement is true, but I love having debates with people about holidays and their actual roots. All I know for sure is that Easter was merged with the death and resurrection of Jesus, even though the two have nothing in common...at all. The holiday has really just become an excuse for people to buy ridiculous amounts of candy and toys for their children. Geeze, I hope I didn't ruin anyone's day. :P

Oh a related note; I was terrified of the Easter bunny when I was a kid...I still am actually. It started when I was young. I don't remember what age. But I woke up early in the morning and a member from my family (still unsure of who it was) was wearing a bunny suit (like the one pictured below) and holding a basket of eggs. I screamed in absolute terror. And I never looked at a bunny the same way ever again. It doesn't matter whether its a person dressed up as a bunny or an actual bunny. And movies like Donnie Darko and Bunnyman did not help my fear. Also, I will not go to the mall at Easter (they have a guy in a bunny suit who gets pictures taken with kids). Fuck those creepy ass dead black eyes and smile that almost says "I'll kill you in your sleep". Kill it with fire! D:

This picture makes me shiver...ugh...


Well I'm heading off to my mother's house to have cheeseburgers and fries, then clean for her...again. I hope all goes well. And I really hope that I can write tomorrow. Remember those blogs I promised I would write and publish? They're still on notepad. I haven't had time to do anything with them. Ugh. -_-

P.S. None of the pictures in this post are mine. But they're pretty neat, eh? Well...except for that Easter bunny...

Edit at 10:36 pm: I had a good time at my mom's. I didn't have to do any cleaning. We just spent time together. She even made me chocolate cupcakes with mint/peppermint icing and mint Aero bubbles on top! So delicious! And of course; I got to spend time with Lissa (my cat). When I got back home after 9:00 pm, Matt's mom gave me a bag of Easter candy. I don't care about the holiday, but I'll never turn down free candy, LOL. Especially those marshmallow bunnies. They're one of my favorites! ^_^

pumpkin faces in the night

♪♫ Halloween - Misfits

I didn't get to watch Halloween last night. I got ten minutes into the movie, then my mum came home and started her nightly bitching session. I don't wanna explain the whole conversation, but it basically progressed into me confronting her about abusing me when I was child (like my psychiatrist wanted me to do). And it didn't go well at all. I didn't expect it to. But I was upset. She told me that I was lying for attention, I was delusional, I was a bad child, and I'm over sensitive because I have mental issues. I couldn't believe it. She denied it all. I have witnesses. I know the truth. I'm in therapy because of her. Most of my mental disorders are from the abuse. She destroyed me. And she can't even accept it and apologize. She said that she feels betrayed and doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I didn't sleep until around 6:00 am, because my anxiety was so bad. :(

I wanted to talk to her after I woke up on Saturday, but she just ignored me. I walked into a room, and she walked out instantly. I was upset and I ended up calling a few people to get reassurance that I'm not in the wrong. I was starting to feel like I might actually be crazy, but my mother is the crazy one. I felt a little bit better. But I felt a lot better after BJ showed up. We went to the other side of town, had some KFC for dinner, and we went to see Carrie! I loved it! Its one of my favorite books. I read it in one night, way back in high school. I couldn't stop. I think its because I relate to Carrie in a way. Anyways, BJ got me home afterwards. My mum still wouldn't speak to me. So I just watched Leprechaun until I fell asleep. But I only got twenty minutes into the movie. I was quite tired.

Today there was a bit of progress. My mum told me that she loved me before leaving for work. And she seemed happy. Like nothing happened at all. To get my mind off of all the bullshit, I spent most of the day watching Tales From The Crypt and making Halloween cupcakes. I made 73 in total! I'm pretty proud of my decorating skills. But wow...I was so exhausted afterwards. Thankfully my step dad cleaned the kitchen without me asking him to (I rewarded him with cupcakes). That saved me some time. So I made some mac 'n cheese and watched Leprechaun (which I loved - even though its cheesy as hell). Once I'm done with this blog, I'm gonna watch The Exorcist. So excited!

see through baby blue

♪♫ Arnold Layne - Pink Floyd

For some reason I usually blog a lot in September. Not sure why. But I'm blogging again and it hasn't even been twenty-four hours since my last blog. I don't know whats wrong with me lately. My blogs seem to keep getting longer and more detailed. I don't like it. I miss the old simple short blogs. But my OCD acts up when I don't write a certain way now. Its really annoying...

So, yesterday was a pretty good day. Despite the fact it was the three year anniversary of Nick passing away (I wrote a blog about it - just go into my archive). I really miss him a whole lot and I still haven't fully healed. I probably never will. I hope that I will see him again someday. I don't know if I believe in heaven or hell, but I hope he is somewhere that is peaceful and happy. Maybe smoking a joint with Jimi Hendrix and talking Jim Morrison's ear off. Rest in peace Nick. ♥

Anyways, back to yesterday; I woke up late and couldn't shower right away, because our landlord had to fix something in the bathroom and he took a little while to show up. Finally after a couple of hours, I got to shower. And immediately afterwards, I started getting ready. During that time, BJ texted me and told me that he bought me a new cord for the Xbox 360 that he gave me. So I'll finally get to use it! Unless something else goes wrong...

I left at 6:30 pm to catch a bus. Luckily it was waiting there when I arrived at the bus stop. I got to the westside around 7:00 pm, and met up with Kara and BJ. From there, we went to my BJ's house. As soon as we arrived, he brought out two of the Star Wars cups (Luke & Leia!) that I gave him, and two bottles of wine (I wasn't in a drinking mood - but they each had a drink). We had a very small conversation about Nick (I got the feeling it was too hard for everyone to talk about). Then we played charades for a little bit. It got kinda boring, so we decided to play Trivial Pursuit. But before we started playing, we had to get some cheese, popcorn and Pepsi. :3


We had a lot of laughs, listened to music from the 90s, laughed about Justin Timberlake's Ramen noodle hair, etc. Kara got pretty drunk. She started not making sense and it was hilarious. It was getting late though and even though we didn't finish the game, we decided that Kara won (because she had the most wedge pieces). And after that, BJ's mom drove us both home. As soon as I got inside my house, I remembered that BJ forgot to give me the Xbox 360 cord. Ugh. I have to wait till later today. -_-

Oh and I decided to make fun of faces that girls do in pictures. I'm doing the duck face and peace sign on the left. And I'm doing the Amanda Bynes face and sticking my tongue out like Miley Cyrus on the right. Seriously though...why do people think those faces look attractive? Because its the complete opposite. Its not only unattractive, its also annoying and stupid. It makes me want to slap people. Ahhh. If you're one of those people that does this...just fucking stop.


I'm gonna attempt to sleep now, even though my insomnia is getting bad again. Ugh. I can't wait until my doctor's appointment. Less than a week away...