I'm breaking out of this cage

♪♫ Not Afraid - Eminem

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog about general life updates. My last blog was about the loss of my sweet girl Kitkit, and the one before that was about my trip to Europe. In between all of that, I have had some updates that I haven't gotten the chance to share since about mid October. Starting with all the thrifting and eBay/Etsy purchasing I've been doing! The only thing I didn't purchase in the below images is the Carrie book with no title, which is what my dad bought me for my birthday in December. Also, this doesn't include all the clothes I have purchased. I usually don't post about clothes because I find it so much less interesting.

In my last blog, I had also discussed how I was working on memorializing Kitkit. Since then, all the items have arrived, and I picked up her box of ashes. I set up a little area on my shelf for her, but her box of ashes have been in my bed since I brought them home. I wrapped them in a thick blanket to prevent me from taking my eye out on the sharp corners, but I just couldn't bear to have her sitting on a shelf. At least not right now. I'm still struggling with the grief. Anyways, here is what I have to remind me of her...

Since she passed, I have been battling grief and grief-induced depression. It doesn't help that the winter here has been much harsher than usual, causing a snowstorm every single week. In addition to that, I'm working, doing a student placement, and taking two classes. I'm so overwhelmed and I don't have any control over it. It feels like I'm drowning. My goal of starting my career and finally having my own place seems as far away as it did five years ago. The goal posts keep moving, and I'm exhausted. I'm thirty-three, and I shouldn't be in survival mode just to try and start my life at this point. It feels frustrating and unfair that I am struggling so much.

Another blow to my mental health came last week when I received a rejection letter for my master's degree. A bachelor's degree in my field doesn't get me much more money than I make now, and the cost of living in my area is super high. I need a master's degree to get a higher paying job and actually live. Now I am worried about being homeless again. Everything I have worked towards for the past ten years has been fueled by my intense fear of being homeless again. I do not have family to help me financially or with a place to stay. My parents both live in tiny bachelor's apartments and are very low income. I am on my own to fight just to survive and I can't fucking take it anymore.

As I write this, my blood pressure feels like its rising. This is becoming so ridiculous and I honestly want to give up and just let everything fall apart. Maybe I'm meant to live on the streets, since life has handed me almost no lifelines and everything feels like I'm playing a game on hard mode. Its difficult to watch people accomplish all of these things with ease from having so much financial and emotional support. Those same people try and give me advice or guidance, and its just frustrating to hear anything from someone who has so much help. They don't understand how difficult this has been for me and how devastating it will be if I fail. I can't run to family for a place to live and money for a different degree. I have no backups.

I still have two more master's programs to apply to, but I feel so defeated. It feels like there is no point. I'm trying to climb out of a pit that keeps getting deeper. I hate my life right now, and that is an awful thing to admit, because I loved my life for years up until now. It all fell apart so quickly. I don't feel like myself at all. I feel so disconnected from who I am.

That is a heavy rant, but I needed to get it off my chest. I don't know what will happen in coming months, but I am not able to continue with this stress much longer, and quitting is so appealing to me right now. And no, I'm not suicidal. I certainly feel like everything is unbearable, but my brain hasn't reached that thought yet.

there's no place that can be better

♪♫ Rainy Day Mushroom Pillow - Strawberry Alarm Clock

Its been a few weeks since I last blogged. I've mostly been busy with the end of the semester assignments and exams. I've also taken a few extra shifts at work to get some more money into my savings account (since I took a chunk out for Christmas gifts & food). Thrifting hasb't been too exciting lately. Thrift stores are all filled with Christmas stuff and not much of anything else. The only thing I found since my last blog was a cute '60s flower power apron (that actually fits me - often I come across children's sizes). I also have been going to the thrift stores a bit less because covid cases have gone up in my area and I don't want to get sick.

I finally got onto booking a trip! In 2020, I was supposed to go to Hawaii in May. The pandemic happened and I didn't go, but I've held onto the money since then. I decided that I am going to wait on Hawaii since they are having some issues with too many tourists and not enough resources for locals. Instead, I am going to New York City for ten days! I already booked the Airbnb and bought the plane ticket. I got my passport, luggage, spending money already saved, and a list of things I want to do as well. I just have a couple minor things left to do. This is such a dream! The book I have been writing for over a decade is set in New York City and I plan to draw further inspiration while I'm there to get back into writing it. I think I will buy a notebook just to write down ideas.

I am back on track with losing weight. Everything got so derailed in the past year due to the chaos of not having a place to live for a long time while balancing school and work. Its been one week so far and I've lost 5 lbs! That is typically a lot to lose in one week, but often weight loss happens quickly for the first 2-3 weeks, then slows down to 1-3 lbs per week. I am not doing any special diet, just counting calories (which I did back in 2015/2016 and lost 60 lbs). I'm still enjoying foods I like and I'm not starving, so don't worry! For example, yesterday I had the following:

Breakfast: A big smoothie with strawberries, bananas, blueberries, high protein greek yogurt, almond milk, honey, liquid Omega-3/Vitamin D & protein powder (414 calories).
Lunch: Two fried eggs & an English muffin with strawberry cream cheese (352 calories). I often don't feel hungry around lunch, so I typically only have a small lunch anyways.
Dinner: Two cups of vegetarian chili made with Beyond Beef & lots of veggies (approximately 350 calories).
Snacks: Mini ice cream sandwich, hot chocolate packet with 7 peppermint vegetarian marshmallows, an apple, & two cheese strings (311 calories). I'm a snacker, so I prefer to do smaller meals in exhange for more snacks. I also have a multi vitamin (zero calories) with helps me get more vitamin A, iron, B12, and more.

Total: 1427 calories. I aim for about 1425 on days I don't do much and add more calories on days that I exercise or engage in alot of physical work. Also, if I have a craving, I find a way to fit it into my calorie "budget". The last time I did this (when I lost 60 lbs), I still had pizza, ice cream, chips, chocolate, cake, pasta, and more! Its all about two things: finding/making a lower calorie version (for example naan bread pizzas or eating just one or two small slices from a restaurant pizza), and portion control. I used to be able to down a whole 12 inch pizza to myself and end it with a big bowl of ice cream. Now I have a slice or two, then one scoop of lower fat ice cream. There are many alternatives that taste just as good or better, and the smaller portions are actually just normal portions, but will take some time for your body to adjust if you are an overeater like me.

The reason I mention this is for anyone looking to lose weight and thinks they need to eat salads for every meal and spend three hours on a treadmill everyday. You don't even really need to exerise, although for health, you should definitely add that in if you can. It also allows for more calorie intake each day. You could be losing weight on 1800 calories per day with enough excercise, but if you aren't used to it, then it takes time to work your way up to that. But as I had said, technically its not needed for weight loss.

Before I go...

Happy birthday to my best friend Kara!
She has been my best friend since I was seventeen and I'm turning thirty in a couple weeks. Over the past thirteen years, she has been there for me, grown with me, and supported me. We went through hell together and she is the only person who really understands me (and that I show my writing to). I love her dearly. 🧡🧡🧡

That is all for now. I'm going to finish some cleaning and organizing, then binge watch the rest of Wednesday on Netflix. I hope everyone is well!

lookin' like a true survivor

♪♫ I'm Still Standing - Elton John

Wow... its been months since I last blogged. I meant to blog much sooner, but I think I needed the break. I had a rough few months, but things are better now. I was struggling to adjust to so much change, plus getting my stress level down was hard even though things had settled. Speaking of stress... I got an ulcer. I'm taking medication right now for it, plus I'm on a special diet, so hopefully that heals it up. My doctor thinks in a few months it'll be fine and I can eat normally again. One of the things I can't have is tomatoes (because they are so acidic) and I miss them so much... mostly in chili and on pasta, haha.

I decided to only take three classes this semester (which all have small workloads) and its been a nice break. I've also been taking a bit less shifts at work to give myself more personal time. Although I haven't really gotten around to getting back into writing my book, the free time has been great for my mental health. I'm slowly getting back to where I want to be. I have also used a lot of my free time for thrifting. These past few months have been the best so far in terms of thrift finds. Everything was between $1-$13. Amazing deals!

I also purchased some non-thrifted items; a pumpkin-head figure version of Dwight Shrute and a mini ceramic Christmas tree (vintage inspired).

I wish I had more to say, but that is basically it for now. I'll try and blog again in December!

i'm finally back!

♪♫ Chemtrails Over The Country Club - Lana Del Rey

Hello everyone! I apologize for not blogging since September. My life got insanely busy! A lot happened and I don't want to write a super long blog, but here are the main points in no particular order...

• I passed my first semester of university! I got the following grades; A+, A+, A, B, & C+. The C+ was in math. I'm actually amazed that I even got a C+. I'm so horrible at math, but I passed! Yay!
• I quit my live-in position and moved out. It was such a relief. Living at work is too difficult. I now live with my grandmother, cousin, & uncle. I'm a poor student & the rent is cheap, so it works for me.
• I've began writing again! Finally! After years of brain fog and working through mental health issues, I have been able to focus again on my writing and it feels so good! I'm sixteen chapters into a story that I've been writing since I was sixteen years old. Its a deeply personal story & I'm so happy to be back at it. Also, my best friend is getting into writing & we've been sending each other chapters to read. Its always the highlight of my week!
• I'm working casual relief at the same job I've been at for years, but its not stable (sometimes there are only a few shifts per month available). I have applied for a weekend day position at my work that would be perfect. Its every Saturday (7:30 am - 3:30 pm) and Sunday (7:30 am - 7:30 pm). The pay is $21.75 per hour, making each pay check approximately $750 after taxes. When I did my budget, I came to the conclusion that I need $1500 per month to pay for everything I need, including $40 extra weekly for spending. All that is to say the job would be so perfect! I hope I get it!
• The covid cases where I live have sky rocketed. We used to have like 3 per day. Now its like 500 per day! Everything is still open, but I'm only going out for necessities right now. I have both shots of the vaccine, but I am still not taking chances.
• I have been feeling really amazing since I left my live-in job. I didn't realize how much it was destroying my mental health. So glad I left! I feel so excited and happy for the future right now.
• I finally have an ADHD assessment booked for later in January! I definitely have the characteristics of ADHD, but it could be something else. I want to rule it out at the very least.
• I've collected more vintage items (mostly ones with mushroom designs)! However, since the cases went up, I haven't been thrifting. I really miss it!
• I have barely watched TV or movies lately, but I did watch Euphoria (which I loved), and I re-watched Suspiria (which was inspirational for the story I'm writing).
• I had a good birthday (December 17th) and a good Christmas! I got Snow Fairy products from Lush (my favorite), lots of candy/chocolate, a mushroom shirt, mushroom earrings, a handpainted mushroom box, books, and more.

I start my winter semester at school in two days. I've already got my tuition paid & I bought my textbooks. I just need to do a bunch of laundry & cleaning, I need to buy groceries/do food prep, pick up an order (I bought a David Bowie shirt & fishnet stockings online), & buy makeup at Walmart. That is my plan for all day tomorrow. I will try and keep up with blogging regularly now that I'm settled from the chaos of moving. I hope everyone is doing well!

don't tell me 'cause it hurts

♪♫ Don't Speak - No Doubt

Its been two weeks since school started and its going really well! University has a lot more reading than I thought, but a lot less assignments than I had in college. I'm enjoying online classes a lot more than I thought I would. I actually think I prefer them over in-person classes. I only have one assignment in which I have to present it in front of my class, but its only for a few minutes! Also, I'm understanding my math class! I'm definitely not going to get an A+, but I'm pretty sure I can obtain at least a C. I just need to pass it and the grade isn't important to me.

When I'm not busy with school, I'm spending my time binge watching Alias, spending time with family, or browsing my local thrift stores. I haven't found much while thrifting lately, but I did find a cute mushroom sugar bowl for $3! It doesn't have the original lid, but whoever donated it put a makeshift lid on and it works! I also bought a Merry Mushroom gravy boat from a local vintage shop for $10! My vintage mushroom collection is slowly growing. I'm hoping to find some more Merry Mushroom pieces, as well as some Arnel pieces. I love the blue mushroom utensil older I mentioned in my last blog and I'd love to see more blue mushroom pieces!


I also got to go to a wedding this past weekend. It was for a co-worker that I used to be friends with. We didn't have a fight or anything, we just went to different jobs and drifted apart. I did feel a bit awkward about going because a lot of my old co-workers were there and some of them I don't like/have had issues with. However, it ended up being a good time! It was nice to see everyone and catch up. The wedding was beautiful, the food was delicious and the conversations were pleasant. I'm glad I went! However, I did leave before the dancing started. I just hate dancing, haha.

Today is an exciting day! After classes, I am going to spend the evening with my mom. We are going to Walmart to do some shopping, going out for supper, going to the dollar store to buy candy, and then going to see Jungle Cruise at the theatre! I did lots of homework over the last two days in order to be able to take a day off from doing homework, so I will have no worries! Its nice to have an evening to relax and not think about school work. I hope everyone is doing well!

it doesn't go away

♪♫ Little Dark Age - MGMT

Wow... what a crazy four months its been. A month after my last blog, I went on a sick leave from work. A few days after that, my grandmother (who I am very close to) had a stroke. I had a full breakdown and felt like my world was shattered. She was in the hospital for months and we couldn't visit due to covid. Luckily we were able to call her. She has almost completely recovered, which is amazing. They also took out the clot that caused the stroke very quickly. She is home now and I have been able to spend lots of time with her.

As many people know, I live at my work (I'm a live-in support worker). Even though I can visit my grandmother, its just not the same. I miss living with her and seeing her everyday. I have decided I will be leaving my job, however I can't do it right away... my uncle just moved from Alberta and will be staying in the spare room for probably about 6 months. I have to wait for him to move out. I also need to get a part time job. Luckily my work has 3 weekend positions that would be perfect for a student and would give me the amount of money I need to live in! It would either be 2 overnights per weekend (either Friday/Saturday or Sunday/Monday) or 2 day shifts per weekend (Saturday/Sunday). One shift is 8 hours and the other is 12, equaling 40 hours per pay. I already held a part time weekend position at another place in my organization and my boss loved me. I think my chances are good. Wish me luck! I definitely want to be out of this live-in job before next summer.

Speaking of work, I quit my job at the shelter. It was too much stress and my mental health was deteriorating. I'm also starting school in September, so I wouldn't have been able to work there much anyways. However, I will be picking up shifts at the group home, which is where all the part time positions are available. Its a much less stressful environment and it'll allow me to show off my skills for when a position opens up.

I just got back from my sick leave a couple weeks ago and work has been good so far. My break was so helpful for my mental health. I developed a new hobby during my time away from work; thrifting. Specifically for vintage items, especially ones with mushrooms! I can't wait for the day I have my own house and can display all my beautiful items. My home will definitely have a retro/'70s vibe. I can't wait! Here are my favorite finds (from thrift stores, antique stores, the Facebook marketplace and eBay)...

To go along with my vintage theme, I have also purchased a record player! My grandmother gave me her Elvis records, I bought The Doors' self-titled album, and I found some records at the thrift store as well. I can't wait to collect lots more! Next on my list; all the Led Zeppelin albums, Fleetwood Mac's Rumours album, and Lana Del Rey's earlier albums.

I got to visit New Brunswick for almost 2 weeks in July. I drove there all by myself, which I'm super proud of! I stayed with my best friend Kara and we had so much fun. We made fishbowl cocktails, went to a trampoline park, went shopping, went into the city for a night and had drinks, went swimming, watched movies, went mushroom hunting and more! I can't wait to visit her again in hopefully 6 months or so. Speaking of trips, I will be visiting Cape Breton at the end of the month for 4 nights. I'm going to visit family there and I'm driving myself and my dad. I've already told him that we're stopping at thrift stores on the way there and the way back. Can't wait! I hope I score some awesome stuff. I also have a public Instagram now specifically for posting about my thrifting/vintage purchases and my home decor set ups. Follow here!

That is pretty much all for now. I hope everyone is doing well and staying safe during this pandemic!

i'll be on the way

♪♫ Montero (Call Me By Your Name) - Lil Nas X

Its been over a month since I last blogged. I've been struggling with winter depression, so I haven't felt up to writing anything. I moved back into my house (aka my workplace). Sadly, my client/youth was removed from the program for inappropriate behavior towards me. It was honestly scary and I think it contributed to the depression I was already experiencing. Since then I've been alone in the house, just waiting for more clients/youth to be moved in. I've been cleaning everything super well to prepare, but also doing a lot for myself...

I bought myself a makeup vanity, which is super cute! I really needed a place for all my makeup/hair products, so its been really useful. The sink in my room was removed and the guy who did it also made me an extra shelf for my plants! He was so nice! He also added in a storage bench in front of my window. I went to the dollar store and bought a blanket and some cushions to make it look fancier, haha. I also bought two more plants; a succulent named Gus and a venus flytrap named Scully! Oh and I no longer have blue in my hair. I've dyed it pink instead!

Speaking of plants, I also got a cute rearview mirror decoration for my car; a fake succulent in a little terracotta pot in a macrame hanger. Its so cute! I'm trying to obtain all the plant decorations to give off the vibes that I'm actually a fairy that lives inside a mushroom house in a field of wildflowers, haha. Speaking of that... as you can see, I also updated my blog theme! I'm currently obsessed with mushrooms, so I thought it would be the perfect blog theme!

This past weekend, we held a cute little tea party at work! It was my idea and my coworker got excited about the idea, so we made it happen! We even wore cute little flowery outfits for the ocassion. She had tons of vintage tea cups/tea pots that she brought from home and together we put the food together (sandwiches & sweets). It was so cute! She brought this peach flavored tea, which was amazing. I went out and bought a box of it afterwards!

This summer I have plans to make a terrarium. If the first one goes well, I'm making tons more! This will also require me to spend lots of time in the forest, which I love. I'm so excited! I'm hoping to make a spooky themed one and a fairy garden themed one. It all depends on how things go. I hope it turns out! Here are some inspirational photos of terrariums that I found online...

That is all for now! I am hoping to keep up more with blogging... we will see how that goes, haha!

take out your turquoise and all of your jewels

♪♫ Chemtrails Over The Country Club - Lana Del Rey

I've had a very hard month. I've been battling issues with a coworker. Someone who I thought was a friend, but turned out to be very toxic. I made the decision to quit my part-time position partly because of her. She always works the same 3 shifts every week, which I overlap with in my position. I've told my boss today and I plan to just do casual relief (picking up random shifts), because I can completely avoid taking a shift with her. I tried confronting her/working with her, but she wasn't cooperating. My boss offered to step in, but I honestly didn't think it would help any. I just need to get away from her. Luckily my boss has been supportive (she has also had run ins with this coworker).

Another reason for quitting my position is that overnight shifts are really hard on my body. I just don't want to do them anymore. Also... I'm going to university! I want to become a therapist and I finally figured out how to achieve that goal. Its going to take 6 years, but luckily I'm in a good position to be able to do it. I'm a live-in support worker, so I have free rent and I get paid to live at my work (not the one I mentioned earlier). Its a laid back job and it gives me enough money to live on. Its perfect for a student! I haven't heard back about my application yet, but the university isn't hard to get into and my GPA is good (3.6). Hopefully all goes according to plan! Where I live, I had the entire attic to myself (its not dark/creepy). Its two bedrooms, one of which I typically use for storage. However, I plan on converting that one into my school area. The program I'm doing is going to be done online (not just because of the pandemic - it has always had an online option). I'm going to buy a desk, a chair, desk organization accessories, an HD webcam, a little shelf for my textbooks/snacks/school supplies, and a little lamp. I'm so excited!

Although things are awful right now with my coworker, I have been trying to stay positive. I started using CBD oil (THC free) for my anxiety and I've started writing poetry again! I bought a beautiful velvet notebook and I've put a bunch of my old poems in it, plus 5 new ones that I've written recently. Its been quite therapeutic! Once things settle down at work with the coworker issue, I plan on implementing a healthier diet/exercise to get into a good routine. It will help when I'm not doing overnight shifts anymore. So excited! I feel really focused on bettering myself and surrounding myself with positivity.

I hope to blog more in the upcoming days. My position at work isn't coming to an end until February 15th, so I don't anticipate it will be until after then. I need to get away from the overnights/toxic coworker and return to a better state of mental and physical health. Wish me luck! I hope everyone is doing well!

want you to take me for a ride

♪♫ Harleys in Hawaii - Katy Perry

I'm back! I've been busy lately with packing to temporarily move, buying/wrapping Christmas presents and working as always. I finally managed to finish my Christmas gift shopping and gift wrapping today! Yay! So excited to give everyone their gifts! Speaking of gifts, I got one of my birthday gifts early; a Christmas cactus! I've named her Esmerelda. She is a beauty!

Another plant related update; my African Violet has started blooming randomly! It usually only blooms in the summer, but it randomly began blooming again. I'm so thrilled!

I've been temporarily living with my grandmother. I am on a stress leave for a few months from my live-in job. It just became too stressful to be working 24/7 in a pandemic. My boss was very understanding and they offered for me to go on leave. Its been really relaxing so far and I've gotten to spend time with my cat! I'm also still working my other job, which has been helpful for income. My stress leave is unpaid, so I still need money for bills. I also won a $100 Walmart gift card from a draw at work! Plus they handed out $5 Starbucks gift cards, so I got one of those as well. Woohoo!

My birthday is in a week (December 17th). Sadly because of the pandemic, I will not be doing a whole lot. What I have planned is; a bath with a Lush bath bomb, a face mask, painting my nails, getting dressed up, ordering out food (veggie chili & veggie pizza), having french macarons, having cake, opening presents and watching a movie. Luckily I'm staying with a couple family members, so I can celebrate with them as well. Next year I will just have to party twice as hard, haha.

That is all for now! I will blog again next week after my birthday. I hope everyone's holidays are going well despite the pandemic. Stay healthy and safe!

talk to me in poems and songs

♪♫ Let Me Love You Like a Woman - Lana Del Rey

Damn... its been a month and a half since I last wrote a blog! Its been a busy time lately, plus I have been overly stressed from work. I'm going on a stress leave from one of my jobs, which will be very helpful. Its for three months and it starts in a little over a week from now. Anyways, a lot has happened and since I don't feel like writing a super long blog, I'm just going to list it in bullet point form in no particular order...

• I went to visit my family for Thanksgiving. Where I live, we had no covid cases at all during the time of Thanksgiving. We have about 20 cases now though. Anyways, my aunt made a killer pumpkin spice cheesecake, I got to binge watch The Haunting of Bly Manor, and I went for a walk in the woods where I found a ton of cool mushrooms!


• I got two new tattoos; a jack-o-lantern with bats on my leg and purple/pink flowers on my forearm!

• I didn't get to do anything fun for Halloween, sadly. I was supposed to go to a party and I had a cute '20s flapper girl costume, but then I got sick with cold symptoms. I had to get tested for covid, which came back negative, but I still had to isolate for a week until I wasn't sick anymore. I did get to hangout with some friends and watch a few horror movies with treats before Halloween. On the actual day of Halloween, I relaxed in bed with a bowl of candy and had a Halloween (Michael Myers) marathon.

• I got three new houseplants; two succulents and a fern. In order from left to right their names are; Alice, Freida, and Dinah.

• I bought a cute pumpkin mask and got lots of compliments on it. I'm still wearing it, even though Halloween has ended, haha!

• I have been going to thrift stores/antique stores and keeping my eyes out for items to collect for my future house. I found a super cute vintage '70s magazine rack with mushrooms painted on it for $25, so I bought it! I haven't found anything else yet, but I'm hoping to find some vintage dishes.

• I bought Lana Del Rey's new poetry book; Violet Bent Backwards Over The Grass. I've read a few poems so far and I have been enjoying it. Its inspiring me to write poetry again. Its been a while since I wrote anything.

• We had a freak strorm here that left behind a lot of snow, but it was so warmm the next day/it rained, so it went away fairly quickly. I mean, I do live in Canada so we definitely do have a lot of snow in the winter, but not in October!

Aside from all of that, I've been working on my list of Christmas gifts to buy, I applied for a full time job very recently, I've been thinking more about the future house I want to buy/planning it all out, and I have been spending time with my family's cat. I am hoping to blog more frequently, but who knows how busy I'll be! I hope everyone is well! I am going to try and return comments! Also; I updated the "author" section finally!

you'll never have to wonder

♪♫ Whenever, Wherever - Shakira

I was hoping to write a blog much earlier, but life got really hectic. I have to plan everything ahead of time because every single day, I have almost no free time at all. I'm only able to write this blog because I woke up two hours early (I worked an overnight shift last night). I have been super stressed from work and I feel really dragged down. I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it. Part of me wants to quit my live-in job, but the money is really good and its allowing me to save to buy a house. I check the house listing a few times a week, but so far nothing has completely caught my eye. I'm hoping to find a mini home that isn't in a mobile home park, but on a private land. That way its cheap, small, and I'll have privacy.

I was able to go on a vacation recently, which was great! I went for a week to visit my best friend in another province. We spent the week partying, eating amazing food, listening to good music, having good chats, and going for adventures in the forest. I wish it had lasted much longer!


I've made some awesome purchases lately; fall decorations, a mushroom mug, and Lush products...


One of my cacti died a couple weeks ago. I noticed it looked sunken in, so I tried removing it gently from the pot, but then it turned to mush and completely fell apart. I was very upset. To cheer myself up, I bought two new plants; Tony and Salma. They're so pretty! I wish I could buy more, but I'm temporarily moving for a couple months. My house is being renovated (which is also my workplace), so my work is paying for us to stay in an Airbnb until December. I'm excited for renovations, but not thrilled that I have to move temporarily. Hopefully it goes smoothly...

I got another tattoo! Its a blue rose which is a symbol for mystery. Mystery is something that has been a big theme in my life. I'm so thrilled with how it turned out! I also got my "destiny" tattoo touched up. It looks better than it did before, but still not amazing. Oh well, I've learned to love it.

Lastly, I took a new selfie recently and I love how I look! I've been feeling really beautiful lately.

I hope everyone is doing well!

dedicated to nick...

♪♫ WAP - Cardi B Ft. Megan Thee Stallion

I've been meaning to write this blog for over a week, but I got super busy. First of all; my vacation was amazing! I went to Cape Breton to see the Cabot Trail with a friend. We stayed in a cute little cottage out in the country, which had a fire pit, so obviously we made tons of smores and roasted hot dogs/veggie dogs! We also drove around to look at scenery, ate at a few different restaurants, did a little shopping, seen some tourist attractions, drank alcohol, listened to awesome tunes, and more. The only bad part of the trip was when we went into a market and we were treated like garbage because I was wearing my Black Lives Matter shirt. People are awful sometimes! Also, before you go on about being a pandemic, my province has 6 active cases and we are being encouraged to travel within the Atlantic provinces, all of which have barely any Covid-19 cases.


Another amazing thing about the trip; I discovered how to use my camera to take professional photography level photos! I wanted to get a picture of the stars because there is minimal light pollution in the country, but I couldn't figure out how to. I ended up Googling it and adjusted the settings on my phone camera (which I bought specifically because its considered one of the best phone cameras for photography). It worked! I took an amazing photo of the night sky, then I took an additional photo of the cottage with the sky in the background. I also got a pretty picture of blue hydrangeas that I spotted in the daylight!



I've been really busy working lately, but I have still gotten to hangout with a friends a bit on a few different occassions. It feels so nice to socialize more. Work has been a drama fest lately. Something awful was emailed to everyone and now the tension is really high. It sucks, but I'm hoping it'll die down and we can all go back to normal. I'm sick of it all. But taking care of myself outside of work has been really helpful. Like I said, I've been socializing more, I have an appointment to get my eyelash extensions re-filled, I have an appointment for another tattoo in a few weeks, I just freshy re-dyed the blue underneath my hair, I ordered myself a tripod for my phone to take more professional photos, I got new clothes (including a really sexy witchy bodysuit), and I've been focused on my goals. I am also going away for a week on the 16th to visit my best friend in New Brunswick. Life is good!

One more thing before I go; its been 10 years since my friend Nick passed away. To Nick; You're not forgotten. Everytime I play a song by Rammstein or watch a cheesy B movie, I think of you. Random things still remind me of memories of you, like McDonald's fries and Super Nintendo. I cherish all those times we hung out together. Rest in peace Nick. 🖤🤘

That is all for now. I hope everyone is well!

i just find my way back in

♪♫ Cinnamon Girl - Lana Del Rey

The past week has been a very rough/exciting one. I feel like I'm going through some sort of major life change and I'm not entirely sure what brought it on so suddenly. I knew after my break up back in March that I wanted to do all the things I was unable to do in that relationship. He wasn't controlling or anything, but I let people's opinions really affect me, which I shouldn't. He hated dyed hair, makeup, tattoos, etc. Those are all things that I've always loved, so I kinda wasn't myself when I was with him. Now I'm doing all the things I want to do!

I had two major things planned for this past week; eyelash extensions and a tattoo. Maybe that is what brought on the sudden change I felt. It feels good, because I feel like myself... but it also feels strange, because I was stuck for so long as someone else's version of me. It feels kinda surreal that I'm out of that now and I'm free to do what I want. I still have plans to do more to get back to myself, which is exciting.


Here are my new eyelash extensions! I can never go back to my regular eyelashes now. I have zero eye makeup on in this picture, but it looks like I do. Effortlessly looking good everyday now!

She went a little thick on the letter "c" so I'm having her thicken up the other letters to match up. The rest of it looks amazing, especially the key. I'm so thrilled! If you don't understand what it is; its from the movie Mulholland Drive by David Lynch and it has a very personal meaning to me.
I already have another tattoo booked for the end of September! I'm getting a big blue rose on my right arm. I already have a plan for that entire arm, which I hope to finish in the next 12 months (ideally I'd like to get one tattoo per month). After the blue rose, I'm getting a neotraditional style sun on my lower arm, a neotraditional style moon on my upper arm, tons of colorful flowers/succulents/cacti going all up and around my arm, and some song lyrics randomly intertwined. On my left arm, because I already have one David Lynch themed tattoo, I'm going to be getting a few more on there as well. Aside from that, I'm unsure what else to put on that arm, but I have lots of time to decide! I also have other tattoos I want to get, but I'm focusing on my right arm for now.

I've also ordered some new clothes! I want to order more, but I'm holding off for now. Other things I really want to get done are; a crow's feet piercing and an industrial ear piercing. I know it all seems like a lot, but these are things I wanted to get done for several years. What stopped me for a long time was money, then it was a shitty relationship. I'm finally following through with my dreams! So exciting!

Later today I'm going to a BBQ with coworkers, where we will have drinks and delicious food. After that, I'm staying the night with my friend/coworker and tomorrow we are headed off on our road trip to the cottage we are spending three days at. We will be hiking, drinking, playing games, roasting marshmallows/veggie dogs, and more. So thrilled to get away from the city for a bit! I hope everyone is well!