♪♫ You Can Be The Boss - Lana Del Rey
I had an absolutely horrible day yesterday. Mainly the end of the day. I'll get to that later. I'm gonna begin with the start of the day; I ordered the last few DVDs for my David Lynch collection! They are; The Straight Story, Dune and The Complete Series of Twin Peaks (once again - paying for them on Thursday)! I'm so beyond excited! And I get to order the rest of my birthday and Christmas presents on Thursday! I hope I have enough money for everything I want. And I hope it all arrives before my birthday and Christmas. ^_^
t+uj)oBR++Yl)R4w~~_32.jpg)
I mentioned in my last blog that I think I may have a UTI. *TMI* My peeing has improved. I've started drinking a lot more liquids, including cranberry juice. And I stopped my Prozac (which I thought may have contributed to it). I'm gonna wait another day or two to see a doctor. If it continues improving, that'll be great. If not...I'll have to suck it up and go see a doctor. Which I really hate doing. -_-
Later in the day...things became quite awful. I did too much thinking. And I realized something. I've built up a wall of denial for a long time and it came crashing down. I finally accepted that sometimes just because two people love each other, doesn't mean they are meant to be together (for now - who knows what the future holds). And yes, I'm referring to BJ and I. It completely crushed me when I knew what I had to do. I cried and talked with a few people about it. I was so scared that he would hate me. I wanted him and I to remain best friends. Because he is still so important to me.
I got Matt to meet up with me, because I didn't wanna be alone when I did it. I knew I would have to do it through text. Sounds bad, I know. But with my mental issues, I would have had a panic attack if I told him in person. So anyways, Matt and I went to the bar for a drink. We sat on the patio, so that I could smoke (I'm supposed to quit - but I was so stressed). I had to wait a while, because BJ was still at work. Then he finally texted me. And my heart sank. It was time.
He took it well. He wants us to remain best friends because I'm very important to him, which was a relief. And he is sad and needs some time to adjust to it. Understandable. We had a long conversation. I told him that we could end up together again. But right now is a bad time. And if he ends up with someone else, I'll be happy for him. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. The lack of intimacy pushed me away. I feel like I broke my own heart, if that makes sense. :(
Even though it went alright, I still cried. For hours and hours. I was so upset. I felt bad for hurting him, bad that things didn't work out for us, bad that I couldn't do it earlier, bad that I lied to myself, and bad that I'm alone now. Depression overcame me and my night was brutal. Thoughts of being alone forever kept crossing my mind. With all my mental issues, most guys run screaming for the hills. I don't have much hope for my love life.
It feels weird to be single after being a relationship for over a year. Its gonna be hard to get used to. No more dates, no more kisses, no more cute texts, no more cuddling, no more being treated like a princess...but I am so grateful for all the things the relationship taught me. It was a wonderful one. He was perfect. Now my standards are set high, and I know how to act for my next relationship. I won't accept less than I deserve anymore. I'm stronger from this experience. :)
I wish I had more friends to talk to about it. They're always so busy. I rarely see them. I felt so alone when I got back home, that I actually ended up praying. I prayed for two hours. I don't even know if anyone heard me, but I needed to get things off my chest. And eventually I spoke to K again. He is actually being a good friend right now.
Today was dreadful. I didn't really do anything at all. I was supposed to go to the clinic and the pharmacy, but I didn't feel like leaving my house. Instead; I cooked, cleaned and showered to get my mind off of it. And it didn't work very well. I cried more. My mum felt bad for me (but she also said that I'm very strong for doing the right thing). Actually, she felt so bad for me that she is taking me out tomorrow for tea and a bit of shopping. I'm gonna get dressed up and try to feel good about myself. I'm in such a weird state of mind. I'm upset most of the time, and feeling confident the rest of the time. My emotions are on a roller coaster. I hope things get better soon. :'(
I had an absolutely horrible day yesterday. Mainly the end of the day. I'll get to that later. I'm gonna begin with the start of the day; I ordered the last few DVDs for my David Lynch collection! They are; The Straight Story, Dune and The Complete Series of Twin Peaks (once again - paying for them on Thursday)! I'm so beyond excited! And I get to order the rest of my birthday and Christmas presents on Thursday! I hope I have enough money for everything I want. And I hope it all arrives before my birthday and Christmas. ^_^
t+uj)oBR++Yl)R4w~~_32.jpg)
I mentioned in my last blog that I think I may have a UTI. *TMI* My peeing has improved. I've started drinking a lot more liquids, including cranberry juice. And I stopped my Prozac (which I thought may have contributed to it). I'm gonna wait another day or two to see a doctor. If it continues improving, that'll be great. If not...I'll have to suck it up and go see a doctor. Which I really hate doing. -_-
Later in the day...things became quite awful. I did too much thinking. And I realized something. I've built up a wall of denial for a long time and it came crashing down. I finally accepted that sometimes just because two people love each other, doesn't mean they are meant to be together (for now - who knows what the future holds). And yes, I'm referring to BJ and I. It completely crushed me when I knew what I had to do. I cried and talked with a few people about it. I was so scared that he would hate me. I wanted him and I to remain best friends. Because he is still so important to me.
I got Matt to meet up with me, because I didn't wanna be alone when I did it. I knew I would have to do it through text. Sounds bad, I know. But with my mental issues, I would have had a panic attack if I told him in person. So anyways, Matt and I went to the bar for a drink. We sat on the patio, so that I could smoke (I'm supposed to quit - but I was so stressed). I had to wait a while, because BJ was still at work. Then he finally texted me. And my heart sank. It was time.
He took it well. He wants us to remain best friends because I'm very important to him, which was a relief. And he is sad and needs some time to adjust to it. Understandable. We had a long conversation. I told him that we could end up together again. But right now is a bad time. And if he ends up with someone else, I'll be happy for him. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. The lack of intimacy pushed me away. I feel like I broke my own heart, if that makes sense. :(
Even though it went alright, I still cried. For hours and hours. I was so upset. I felt bad for hurting him, bad that things didn't work out for us, bad that I couldn't do it earlier, bad that I lied to myself, and bad that I'm alone now. Depression overcame me and my night was brutal. Thoughts of being alone forever kept crossing my mind. With all my mental issues, most guys run screaming for the hills. I don't have much hope for my love life.
It feels weird to be single after being a relationship for over a year. Its gonna be hard to get used to. No more dates, no more kisses, no more cute texts, no more cuddling, no more being treated like a princess...but I am so grateful for all the things the relationship taught me. It was a wonderful one. He was perfect. Now my standards are set high, and I know how to act for my next relationship. I won't accept less than I deserve anymore. I'm stronger from this experience. :)
I wish I had more friends to talk to about it. They're always so busy. I rarely see them. I felt so alone when I got back home, that I actually ended up praying. I prayed for two hours. I don't even know if anyone heard me, but I needed to get things off my chest. And eventually I spoke to K again. He is actually being a good friend right now.
Today was dreadful. I didn't really do anything at all. I was supposed to go to the clinic and the pharmacy, but I didn't feel like leaving my house. Instead; I cooked, cleaned and showered to get my mind off of it. And it didn't work very well. I cried more. My mum felt bad for me (but she also said that I'm very strong for doing the right thing). Actually, she felt so bad for me that she is taking me out tomorrow for tea and a bit of shopping. I'm gonna get dressed up and try to feel good about myself. I'm in such a weird state of mind. I'm upset most of the time, and feeling confident the rest of the time. My emotions are on a roller coaster. I hope things get better soon. :'(
I'm sorry to hear about you and BJ, but it seems like it was the right thing for you to do. I'm sure things will get better with time, but that doesn't detract from now being shitty. I hope you can distract yourself with shopping and David Lynch <3
ReplyDeleteI hope that you feel better and your UTI (if that's what it is!) clears up soon, I've had one before and urgh it was awful so I really feel for you. ♥
ReplyDeleteAs for you and BJ, I'm really pleased that you guys are remaining friends, because you were such good friends before the relationship. I know how difficult and strange things will seem at the moment, it's hard when you've been used to things being a certain way for such a long time and then all of a sudden they change, it does take some getting used to but you'll get there in time.
I'm really proud of you for doing it, I know you're upset about it but from what we've spoken about and what I'm reading here in this blog, it does sound like it will be the best thing for the both of you and it's important to remember that. ♥
Love you. xox