I'm breaking out of this cage

♪♫ Not Afraid - Eminem

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog about general life updates. My last blog was about the loss of my sweet girl Kitkit, and the one before that was about my trip to Europe. In between all of that, I have had some updates that I haven't gotten the chance to share since about mid October. Starting with all the thrifting and eBay/Etsy purchasing I've been doing! The only thing I didn't purchase in the below images is the Carrie book with no title, which is what my dad bought me for my birthday in December. Also, this doesn't include all the clothes I have purchased. I usually don't post about clothes because I find it so much less interesting.

In my last blog, I had also discussed how I was working on memorializing Kitkit. Since then, all the items have arrived, and I picked up her box of ashes. I set up a little area on my shelf for her, but her box of ashes have been in my bed since I brought them home. I wrapped them in a thick blanket to prevent me from taking my eye out on the sharp corners, but I just couldn't bear to have her sitting on a shelf. At least not right now. I'm still struggling with the grief. Anyways, here is what I have to remind me of her...

Since she passed, I have been battling grief and grief-induced depression. It doesn't help that the winter here has been much harsher than usual, causing a snowstorm every single week. In addition to that, I'm working, doing a student placement, and taking two classes. I'm so overwhelmed and I don't have any control over it. It feels like I'm drowning. My goal of starting my career and finally having my own place seems as far away as it did five years ago. The goal posts keep moving, and I'm exhausted. I'm thirty-three, and I shouldn't be in survival mode just to try and start my life at this point. It feels frustrating and unfair that I am struggling so much.

Another blow to my mental health came last week when I received a rejection letter for my master's degree. A bachelor's degree in my field doesn't get me much more money than I make now, and the cost of living in my area is super high. I need a master's degree to get a higher paying job and actually live. Now I am worried about being homeless again. Everything I have worked towards for the past ten years has been fueled by my intense fear of being homeless again. I do not have family to help me financially or with a place to stay. My parents both live in tiny bachelor's apartments and are very low income. I am on my own to fight just to survive and I can't fucking take it anymore.

As I write this, my blood pressure feels like its rising. This is becoming so ridiculous and I honestly want to give up and just let everything fall apart. Maybe I'm meant to live on the streets, since life has handed me almost no lifelines and everything feels like I'm playing a game on hard mode. Its difficult to watch people accomplish all of these things with ease from having so much financial and emotional support. Those same people try and give me advice or guidance, and its just frustrating to hear anything from someone who has so much help. They don't understand how difficult this has been for me and how devastating it will be if I fail. I can't run to family for a place to live and money for a different degree. I have no backups.

I still have two more master's programs to apply to, but I feel so defeated. It feels like there is no point. I'm trying to climb out of a pit that keeps getting deeper. I hate my life right now, and that is an awful thing to admit, because I loved my life for years up until now. It all fell apart so quickly. I don't feel like myself at all. I feel so disconnected from who I am.

That is a heavy rant, but I needed to get it off my chest. I don't know what will happen in coming months, but I am not able to continue with this stress much longer, and quitting is so appealing to me right now. And no, I'm not suicidal. I certainly feel like everything is unbearable, but my brain hasn't reached that thought yet.

you left pawprints on my heart

♪♫ Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton

I was going to write a blog a week and a half ago about all my life updates in the past few months... but life had other plans. On January 6th, my 16-year-old cat Kitkit started showing signs of a health issue. I was laying next to her, and her face just looked... Different. I had this gut feeling that I didn't have long left with her. That same day I noticed that she hesitated when jumping off my bed, which she never did before. Each passing day, it got worse. It went from hesitation, to jumping and her right back leg giving out, to both legs giving out, then she stopped trying to jump at all and just stayed on my bed, not eating, drinking, or using the litterbox. I wasn't sure what happened, so I brought her to the vet. It took me a few days only because I thought maybe it was just a mild sprain. I've seen her limp before for a day or two and then she was fine... I was hoping that was the case again.

For some additional context; last year she was diagnosed with early stage of kidney disease. I brought her to the vet for check ups and monitored her through the year. A few months ago, I noticed she was dragging herself a lot. Her energy seemed low. The vet told me that she has arthritis and so we began a monthly needle for the pain. So I when I took her to the vet on January 9th, they did an X-ray and it showed that her kidneys were in far worse shape than we knew. Her blood tests hadn't shown the reality of how bad it was. It also helped the vet determine that the issue with her legs was actually her hips which were basically dislocating from the severe arthritis. The fact she wasn't trying to jump or move means the arthritis reached a level of pain that the monthly needle was no longer helping.

Now the vet explained that narcotics, which she would need for the pain, were not possible long term due to her kidneys being in such bad shape. Basically she would rapidly die from kidney disease. Waiting for her hips to heal was not an option because the pain was preventing her from drinking and using the litterbox... Also causing her to rapidly die from kidney disease. I couldn't bear to see her in so much pain, so I agreed to make an appointment for euthanasia for the next day, and the vet gave me narcotics for the last day of her life so she could be mostly free of pain. I was devastated to find out that I only had one day left with my bestest friend.

I took her home and spent every moment I could with her. I could tell that the meds were working because she was jumping up and down off of the furniture, although her legs were still giving out. She was laying with me and purring, and I gave her all her favourite treats. I kissed her lots and told her I loved her as I cried. I couldn't stop crying. I even picked up my parents to come see her one last time, because she had lived with both of them at different times and they love her too.

The next morning I took her in. It felt like my world was crashing around me. I could barely catch my breath. The vet took her out back to give her a sedative, then brought her back into the room with me. She was awake and aware, although drowsy. The vet asked if I wanted to hold her while they did it. I said yes. I always knew that I wanted to hold her while she died, even though I didn't want to witness it happen... I just couldn't let my baby die alone or without my comfort. The vet wrapped her lower body with towels and I pulled her close to me, resting her head against my chest. I told her I loved her, stroked her fur, and kissed her head as she died. She went peacefully in my arms, knowing the comfort and love of her mama in her final moments.

I have been crying since then. The worst of it was the first few days. I was a wreck. Barely eating, barely drinking, barely sleeping... I just couldn't function. Some people may not understand this deep level of grief over a "pet", but Kitkit wasn't just a cat. She was family to me. I love her deeply. I love her more than most members of my actual family. This loss is deeply impactful to me. It has shaken up my lack of beliefs about religion and has me questioning if there is an afterlife. I just hope to see her again someday... I hope that when I die, I see her running up to me, meowing, and putting her paws up on my leg to be picked up, just like she did when I would come home from work.

Kitkit was such a loving cat. Many people who don't have experience with owning cats seem to think that cats are mean and uncaring. That isn't true at all. Kitkit loved being cuddled, held, and petted. She was always demanding attention. She was never cruel to me. She had a funny mischevious personality. She loved knocking things off of my dresser. She loved eating plastic bags. She was scared of ceiling fans. She didn't like men a whole lot. She loved making biscuits and purring when I was next to her. She was so happy. She lived a very good life and only knew love and comfort. Despite that fact, I still feel deeply depressed about her loss.

Mama loves you forever Kitkit 🧡
I got her individually cremated, because I couldn't stand the thought of her not being with me or being in a mass cremation with other pets (I am still waiting on her box of ashes to be ready for pickup). I know it doesn't make total sense... its not really her anymore, its just ashes... but I still feel like its part of her and I need to keep it with me. Grief will have you doing weird things... I've been sleeping with a stuffed bear to help fill the void, because Kitkit used to sleep next to me every night. I haven't moved her litterbox because I cry at the thought of not seeing it (I did clean all the litter out of it though). I also smell her blanket when I'm really struggling, so that I can feel her presence even just for a moment. I have also been sleeping on my couch since it happened, because I can't yet bear to sleep in my own bed without her.

To work through my grief a little bit, I have been working on memorializing her. I have purchased several things online; a vintage gold cat frame brooch, a custom gold bracelet with her photo and name engraved on it, a car mirror hanging ornament with her photo and some personalized words, a pink leather paw pouch key chain to keep her fur clippings in, a 4x6 photo frame with paw prints on it, a little photo frame Christmas ornament with a paw print on the side, and I printed 368 photos at Walmart (basically every photo I have of her) and got a photo box to put them in. I also have several videos of her on my phone, which I uploaded to my private YouTube to ensure I have them in case something happens to my phone. Also, my dad, who is an artist, is also going to draw me a picture of Kitkit with angel wings and a halo. I just have to figure out where in my room to set up her memorial. I want it to be near my bed... but my space is limited, so I may need to install a wall shelf from Ikea.

In addition to all the things I ordered, I also had something that I actually purchased a year or two ago; a little photo album that says "my furry child" with pictures of cats on it! I found it at the thrift store for a few dollars and told myself I would eventually get pictures printed out of Kitkit and place them inside, but I really procastinated it... until now. I have too many photos of her to fit inside, so I chose my favourite ones to display in this little album. I'll cherish it forever.

 

I am also keeping some of her items; her two blankets, her favourite little mouse toy that I found in my bed after she passed way, her brush, and some of her treats. I need to still feel like she is with me. Parting with her has felt like a part of my soul has been ripped out. I'll never fully recover. Never. But I will learn to live with the grief and smile daily when I think of her. It will take a long time for me to work through this hard part... it hurts so bad. Its the worst emotional pain I've ever experienced.

Rest in peace sweet girl 🧡

so tired of fire, so tired of smoke

♪♫ Good Day Today - David Lynch

Prior to my last two blog posts about David Lynch, I had not blogged since August. I figured I should write a quick blog of life updates since I slacked off so much on writing blogs for a while...

» I got color added to my flower tattoo.

» I had a great fall; I made pumpkin-shaped pumpkin spice bread, took a gorgeous picture of some fall scenery near my house, had my favorite Halloween candy, had pumpkin cheesecake made by my aunt, gave myself Halloween themed nails, had a caramel apple that was also made by my aunt, carved a Jack-O-Lantern, and ate lots of Halloween candy while watching scary movies.

» I saw the Northern Lights again! This time it was a super intense show and it was right above rather than just on the horizon. I didn't need to squint at all. It was so bright and colorful!

» Went to visit my best friend in New Brunswick for a couple weeks in December. She gave me gifts for my birthday and Christmas: a Hello Kitty light up travel mirror and a glass Merry Mushroom canister ornament. I was screaming with joy over the ornament because I wanted one so badly, but I couldn't find one here in Canada and websites that sold it wouldn't ship it to Canada either. She lives ten minutes from the U.S. border, so that is where she bought it! In addition to that, we did lots of fun stuff like going to the biggest antique mall in Maine (sadly I didn't find anything I wanted though).

» I had a good birthday in December. I had a couple birthday dinners with different groups of people, plus one cake that was delicious.

» I got awesome gifts for my birthday and Christmas: a Middle Earth themed cookbook, a Tolkien companion book, a sterling silver/high quality version of the Evenstar necklace, a workbag, a compact phone tripod, the video game Stray for PS4, a light up makeup mirror, Turtles chocolates, socks, and cash.

» I made shortbread cookies and watched The Muppet Christmas Carol like I do every year.

» Although my best friend gave me a glass Merry Mushroom ornament, I had already been working on making myself one with polymer clay and acrylic paint. I finally finished it! It isn't perfect, but I am proud of it.

Aside from all of that, there isn't anything else major. I have mostly been focusing on school, work, and planning my trip to Europe for next fall. This month has been rough with the political issues we are experiencing in North America, plus David Lynch's death. I am holding out hope for things to improve and the grief to pass, but it has been hard. I hope everyone is well!

i'm just a soul who's intentions are good

♪♫ Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood - The Animals

My trip is two days away! I'm so excited to get away from work and the city for five days. I am hoping to go mushroom hunting, get some professional pictures of the night sky, watch horror movies with my dad, and of course eat lots of my grandmother's home cooked food. On the way there we're stopping at two thrift stores in a small town. I've heard from multiple people that they have found amazing stuff at the thrift stores from that town. I hope I get some good stuff!

Speaking of shopping, here are some new items I bought recently...

Merry Muhsroom creamer » Bought for $3 at the thrift store. Had a tiny chip on the inside of the rim, but otherwise looked great! It was covered in dirt, but I washed it and used a magic eraser to make it look good as new!
Plant earrings » Bought for $15 from an old coworker who has her own jewelry business now. They're so cute!
Tote bag made from vintage bedsheets » Bought for $40 on Etsy from a lovely woman in Montreal. Its so gorgeous! I'm planning on using this for when I go thrifting.
Small wicker arm chair » Bought for $4 at the thrift store. I seen a girl on Instagram with the exact same chair and she used it as a plant stand, which I thought was super cute. So that is what I'm using it for too!

The heat here has been unbearable for weeks now. My house has air conditioning, but not in the attic, which is where my bedroom is. My room is a bit messy, but cleaning it is not possible in this heat. I also want to purge my stuff and get rid of a bunch of things, but I also can't do that in this heat. I feel like I can't be productive until late September. Ugh. Summer doesn't agree with me.

How is everyone else doing? I hope well! I'll leave you with a super cute picture of my family's cat...

want you to take me for a ride

♪♫ Harleys in Hawaii - Katy Perry

I'm back! I've been busy lately with packing to temporarily move, buying/wrapping Christmas presents and working as always. I finally managed to finish my Christmas gift shopping and gift wrapping today! Yay! So excited to give everyone their gifts! Speaking of gifts, I got one of my birthday gifts early; a Christmas cactus! I've named her Esmerelda. She is a beauty!

Another plant related update; my African Violet has started blooming randomly! It usually only blooms in the summer, but it randomly began blooming again. I'm so thrilled!

I've been temporarily living with my grandmother. I am on a stress leave for a few months from my live-in job. It just became too stressful to be working 24/7 in a pandemic. My boss was very understanding and they offered for me to go on leave. Its been really relaxing so far and I've gotten to spend time with my cat! I'm also still working my other job, which has been helpful for income. My stress leave is unpaid, so I still need money for bills. I also won a $100 Walmart gift card from a draw at work! Plus they handed out $5 Starbucks gift cards, so I got one of those as well. Woohoo!

My birthday is in a week (December 17th). Sadly because of the pandemic, I will not be doing a whole lot. What I have planned is; a bath with a Lush bath bomb, a face mask, painting my nails, getting dressed up, ordering out food (veggie chili & veggie pizza), having french macarons, having cake, opening presents and watching a movie. Luckily I'm staying with a couple family members, so I can celebrate with them as well. Next year I will just have to party twice as hard, haha.

That is all for now! I will blog again next week after my birthday. I hope everyone's holidays are going well despite the pandemic. Stay healthy and safe!

is the darkness ours to take?

♪♫ Suspirium - Thom Yorke

What a wild week it has been! I'll begin with the day after my last blog; I had my first driving lesson! It was two hours long and he had me doing just about everything, including going on the highway! It was awesome! I was a bit nervous, but he said that I did really well and it was impressive. I was supposed to have another one tomorrow, but I cancelled it due to not feeling well. I have two next week though!

The day after that was supposed to be my self care day, but I ended up having too many errands to run. I had a tour for a job that I'm interested in, then I went downtown to meet my dad for lunch. When I got downtown, there was a massive strike for climate change and my dad called me to tell me that he couldn't make it. At that point, I wasn't entirely sure what to do... there were no buses in the area due to the strike, so I had to wait it out. Then after an hour or so, I finally got a bus to the mall, where I had lunch and searched for my Halloween costume (I had no luck). Around 3pm, I took my dad and the cat to the vet. She has had a strange lump on her neck for a while and my dad can't afford the vet, so I offered to pay for it. Thankfully it turned out to just be a cyst and they drained it right there, so no further issues. On my way home, I decided to stop by a thrift shop and I found two pieces for my Halloween costume! I won't say what they are yet, because I want it to be a surprise. I went for groceries not long after I got home from the thrift shop, and then I was pretty much ready for bed!


Since then, I've been working pretty much non-stop. I have managed to fit in one awesome thing though; I am subscribing to Shudder again for the new Creepshow series. I watched the first episode with a nice big bowl of broccoli alfredo pasta on Monday evening before I headed to work. I loved it! The first story, called Gray Matter, was my favorite! I watch a lot of horror and am rarely scared, but it actually freaked me out. I ended up having a nightmare the next day. I just watched the second episode today and it was great, but the first is still my favorite so far.


So I have some big news...

I got the job I wanted!
It was pretty wild... as I said in my last blog, it was told to me by coworkers that they had hired people for the position already. I had emailed my boss last week to inquire about it and she didn't reply, so I was basically giving up and feeling a bit sour about it. On Tuesday, my boss called me and asked me if I wanted to take the position and I said yes! She even asked me which rotation I wanted to better fit my schedule (the shifts are every other weekend - so I basically chose which weekends I wanted off)! I was blown away! I told some coworkers about it and they said that they rarely just offer positions to people (they usually do interviews beforehand), so it says a lot about me!

That is all for now! I'm going to try to get some sleep. I hope everyone is well!

so we burst into colors

♪♫ Starry Eyed - Ellie Goulding

For the most part, I have worked a ton since I wrote my last blog. I had seven days straight of working, plus some other days that were spread apart a bit. It was exhausting! However, I purposely didn't take any shifts for the past three days, so that I could relax and spend time with family. Its been so lovely! First thing exciting that happened... I bought my plane ticket for Hawaii! It was cheaper than I expected, which is great. I know I keep saying this; but I'm so excited! Also, on an unrelated note, I ordered myself a tiny cinema light box to put on my shelf. Its also for my future movie room!


On Friday, I had a doctor's appointment early in the morning, then I went for groceries. Then it was beach time! I went with my grandmother and uncle. We didn't go swimming, we just wandered around and enjoyed the beautiful scenery. I love living in Nova Scotia! Afterwards, we went to a local tea room for lunch... only to find out that its no longer there and its now a new cafe. I still got to have a scone though, which is what I wanted anyways. It was actually the best scone I've ever had! I'll definitely go back there sometime in the future!


In the evening, I made my Mexican inspired dip for the family BBQ we had planned for the next day. Its a layer of whipped cream cheese, a layer of mild salsa, a layer of veggie ground round (Mexican style), and a layer of cheddar cheese. Its served with tortilla chips and its absolutely delicious! I was pretty tired at that point, but my uncle invited my grandmother and I to go visit an old historical army site and a place called The Dingle, which has a historical tower and a beach. So we went! We also got ice cream on the way back home!


Yesterday I went and got my haircut first thing in the morning. It was long overdue! I also spent some time wandering around the mall, and I ended up buying a cactus themed lanyard for my bus pass. Its super cute! I also got some hair gel and some makeup, plus a vegetarian poutine for lunch. When I was about the leave the mall, my cousin texted me and told me that our power went out because some idiot down the road decided to cut a tree down and it hit the power line. Ugh! Luckily the power was back by the time I got home though!


In the afternoon, we had our family BBQ. It was nice to see everyone and enjoy some delicious food! My boyfriend was also there, which was his first time at one of my family's BBQs. He got to meet some family members that he hadn't met yet. After the BBQ, my boyfriend and I went to the mall, then went for a drive before he headed home. Finally, I ended my night by going to see fireworks with my grandmother and uncle. It was so magical! It had been a long time since I went to see fireworks!


Also, I forgot to mention this in my last blog; I'm now sponsoring a guide dog! Its only $15 a month, which is affordable for me. Plus they send me pictures and information on the progress on my dog over time. I got my first picture and bit of information recently; my pupper's name is Piper and he is the cutest 10/10 good boy golden retriever. I wish I could meet him!


Now I'm going to enjoy my last day off work by binge watching Netflix and eating yummy food. I hope everyone is well!

i took too many hits off this memory

♪♫ Hold Me Tight or Don't - Fall Out Boy

Its been over a month since my last blog, so this blog will be quite lengthy. I'm doing bullet points again, because it makes things easier. Also, its not in any particular order...

• Went on my vacation to Saint John and Saint Stephen. I spent three days in Saint John and a week in Saint Stephen. It was a great time! I didn't really see anyone I know, aside from my bestie BJ, but it was nice to have a solo vacation and do things on my own. I got to eat out a lot (including at Saint John's new/only vegetarian restaurant), go shopping (only bought a backpack, earrings and the first 8 Friday the 13th movies on DVD), go to all my old favorite spots (like the pizza place around the corner from where I used to live), went to the museum, walked along the boardwalk, got a picture of my favorite Lynchian spot and more!


• Saint Stephen was an even better time! I got to see my best friend for a whole week! We had drinks, went on adventures, watched movies, gossiped, celebrated Canada Day and more! Also, I seen and held a firefly for the first time! It was so cool! Then a couple days later, we found a field filled with them. It was so magical!


• On the last day of my vacation (on the morning I was getting ready to leave), my phone completely died. I was on Instagram, the battery was on 100% and it just went black. I tried charging it and resetting it, but it didn't work. Ugh. So I had to buy a new phone! I ordered the Samsung Galaxy J3 Prime, a case and screen protectors. It cost a little over $200. Not too bad! It arrived a week later and I'm in love with it! I also got all the new emojis, including the bat (which my goth soul is very happy about).
• I have been re-watching all the seasons of The X-Files lately. I just finished last week!


• I got David Lynch's new book! I've read half of it so far. Its even better than I hoped for. David and I are kindred spirits.


• My mother has tried stalking me. She added me to all my social media accounts using an alias and I blocked her. Its been quite stressful, but she seems to have stopped for now.
• I have been doing more walking lately. My favorite walk so far was with my grandmother, cousin and the dog. We got some beautiful pictures!


• My diet is back on track now. It was a struggle at first after my vacation. I bought some meal prep containers which have been really helpful! Also, my doctor weighed me and I'm 195lbs still. So either I didn't gain any weight from vacation or my scale at home is a bit off. Either way, I'm happy!


• While staying with my best friend, I noticed that she had a cute cactus cup that she bought at Walmart. So I ordered one for myself! Shipping was free because I got it sent to the post office, which I'm thrilled about. Its so cute!


• My boyfriend surprised me by telling me that he booked us a room in a place called The Train Station Inn. Its a bunch of old train carts that have been turned into rooms for people to stay in. Its actually very fancy and has a high rating online. They even have a restaurant and gift shop in the old train station building!
• My boyfriend is obsessed with the video game franchise called Metroid. He owns every single game and lots of collectible pieces too. So, for my anniversary gift to him, I bought a Metroid wallet! I'm planning on adding one or two more items since it was only $10. I know hes going to love it!


• When I got back from my vacation, my boyfriend surprised me with chocolate, DVDs and flowers! I was blown away! He is so sweet and romantic... sometimes I can't believe my luck that I have such a wonderful man.


• I got to visit my kitty! I was so happy!


• I got a cute new bookmark thanks to my grandmother.


• My dad got me two free VHS tapes from a neighbor that was throwing them away.


• I tried the new beyond meat burger from A&W and it was amazing! I've had a couple more since then. I'm so thrilled that they have two burgers for vegetarians!


• My boyfriend and I went to the beach. Hardly anyone was there, so we practically had the whole place to ourselves. It was lovely.


That is all for now. Hopefully my next blog won't be a month from now!