♪♫ In My Time Of Dying - Led Zeppelin
Sunday was my one year anniversary with BJ. It was great, but not exactly what I was expecting. We didn't do anything spectacular. We still haven't had sex. I'm finding myself fantasizing about other men. I feel like I've been pushed away pretty far. To the point that I've been considering breaking up with him for a little while. I love him, but there isn't any passion. We've had maybe three passionate kisses the entire time we've dated. Little things he does are starting to annoy me now. And we're so different. I really have no idea what to do. He keeps telling me we'll try to have sex, but its like there is no sexual attraction. For me, there was a lot at first. But he kept pushing me away and now I don't really feel it anymore. It feels like we're trying to force two puzzle pieces that don't fit. I don't know what to do. I feel so confused and its upsetting me. Anyone have some good advice?
So I guess I'll begin with when I woke up on Sunday (the day of our anniversary). I woke up late, because I couldn't sleep. I wasn't sure if it was from being nervous or excited. Anyways, I had a shower as soon as I got out of bed. Then I worked on the labels/tags for this blog. I was slacking on getting ready...as usual. I was gonna wear my blue velvet dress, but I hate dresses and I felt uncomfortable. So I changed into a pretty comfy outfit, consisting of; a leather jacket, a Bon Jovi top, shorts, fishnets and Converse sneakers. Woooo!
Every once in a while I get into a I-wanna-listen-to-shitty-pop-songs kinda mood. So that's what I did while I finished getting ready. My boyfriend was late showing up, but I was late finishing getting ready. So it worked out. We had a quick smoke outside, then came into my house to exchange gifts. He loved the gifts that I gave him, especially the Star Wars cup set. He gave me some pretty awesome stuff; a mushy romantic card, two Game of Thrones vinyl figures (Tyrion Lannister & Daenerys Targaryen), a Game of Thrones mug (House Targaryen!), an Xbox 360 and six games; Dante's Inferno, Resident Evil, Deadrising, Halo 3, Hitman and Fable 2.
We headed out. Stopped to get cigarettes first. It'll probably be the last ones I ever smoke, since I made the decision to quit a little while ago. Anyways, we went to a really fancy/expensive seafood restaurant (even though my boyfriend hates seafood). I always feel weird in places like that. But the food was pretty good. We decided we were gonna go to the bars, but we had a smoke first. Then we went to a bar on the boardwalk. I forgot my ID, but the bartender was nice enough to let me stay. I got three drinks of Jack Daniels and Coke, and my boyfriend got three drinks of rum and Coke.
We sat on the patio so that we could smoke. But the weather turned shitty after a little while. It started raining and the umbrella over the table wasn't helping. So, we decided to go to a different bar. Its one that I've wanted to go to for a little while. But I needed my ID first, so we had to stop by my house (the rain stopped while we were on our way). It was kinda cold outside, so I changed into jeans and did a few more things quickly, then we left. But unfortunately, when we got to the bar...it was closed. Which is really strange. It was only 11:30 pm. :/
We ended up back at the bars on the boardwalk. Went to a different one though. And I only had one more drink, because I'm trying to cut back on drinking. Just another drink of Jack Daniels and Coke. I find that you can get really sick from drinking several different types of liquor in one night. My boyfriend agrees, so he had a few more drinks of rum and Coke. We were sitting on the patio again. But since it had rained, the seats were all wet. I used my knee to wipe off the seat, but it didn't help much. My pants and my back got wet. I remember taking a lot of pictures, we talked for hours, played some silly games, picked our characters from movies and seen a cute baby mouse that I named Tommy. I wanted to take him home. :3
We headed out and we were supposed to get cigarettes, but my boyfriend was hungry. So we stopped into Subway. I started feeling really sick, so I didn't get anything to eat. I waited until he was finished eating and I got him to walk me home (and he dropped his water bottle which went halfway down the road - it was pretty funny). We didn't even bother with the cigarettes. I was just focused on trying to feel better.
He came into my house and stayed with me for a little while. He helped me clear off my bed, then talked to me while I was relaxing. I don't remember what time he left, but we had a goodnight kiss and he got a taxi home and I just relaxed in bed with Powerade and watched Breaking Amish: LA.
Today my awesome dream was interrupted by my alarm clock. Ugh. And it was just getting good! I had a dream that I was Conan's assistant (second time I've had a dream that I was his assistant). I lived in his house too. His wife left and took his kids. He was a wreck. I came home to find him drunk and crying on the floor. So I went over to talk to him. Then I layed down next to him and cuddled up to him and told him it would all be alright. Then we started kissing. It was pretty fucking sexy. We dated for a while, but he kept it a secret. He said he didn't want me to be in the spotlight. So he ended up breaking up with me and leaving me the house. One night when it was raining, there was a knock on the door. It was him. Drunk and soaking wet. He grabbed me and kissed me. Then I woke up. Waaaah. :'(
So I haven't really done much today. Its a holiday and my plans with friends were cancelled. So I've been relaxing in bed, working on the labels/tags (which is taking forever - 2011 should be done tonight) and whatever else I usually do on a boring day. Also, its raining again. I hate it. I always feel kinda shitty when the weather sucks. I'm hoping for another sexy Conan dream tonight. That'll cheer me up. ;)
Sunday was my one year anniversary with BJ. It was great, but not exactly what I was expecting. We didn't do anything spectacular. We still haven't had sex. I'm finding myself fantasizing about other men. I feel like I've been pushed away pretty far. To the point that I've been considering breaking up with him for a little while. I love him, but there isn't any passion. We've had maybe three passionate kisses the entire time we've dated. Little things he does are starting to annoy me now. And we're so different. I really have no idea what to do. He keeps telling me we'll try to have sex, but its like there is no sexual attraction. For me, there was a lot at first. But he kept pushing me away and now I don't really feel it anymore. It feels like we're trying to force two puzzle pieces that don't fit. I don't know what to do. I feel so confused and its upsetting me. Anyone have some good advice?
So I guess I'll begin with when I woke up on Sunday (the day of our anniversary). I woke up late, because I couldn't sleep. I wasn't sure if it was from being nervous or excited. Anyways, I had a shower as soon as I got out of bed. Then I worked on the labels/tags for this blog. I was slacking on getting ready...as usual. I was gonna wear my blue velvet dress, but I hate dresses and I felt uncomfortable. So I changed into a pretty comfy outfit, consisting of; a leather jacket, a Bon Jovi top, shorts, fishnets and Converse sneakers. Woooo!
Every once in a while I get into a I-wanna-listen-to-shitty-pop-songs kinda mood. So that's what I did while I finished getting ready. My boyfriend was late showing up, but I was late finishing getting ready. So it worked out. We had a quick smoke outside, then came into my house to exchange gifts. He loved the gifts that I gave him, especially the Star Wars cup set. He gave me some pretty awesome stuff; a mushy romantic card, two Game of Thrones vinyl figures (Tyrion Lannister & Daenerys Targaryen), a Game of Thrones mug (House Targaryen!), an Xbox 360 and six games; Dante's Inferno, Resident Evil, Deadrising, Halo 3, Hitman and Fable 2.
We headed out. Stopped to get cigarettes first. It'll probably be the last ones I ever smoke, since I made the decision to quit a little while ago. Anyways, we went to a really fancy/expensive seafood restaurant (even though my boyfriend hates seafood). I always feel weird in places like that. But the food was pretty good. We decided we were gonna go to the bars, but we had a smoke first. Then we went to a bar on the boardwalk. I forgot my ID, but the bartender was nice enough to let me stay. I got three drinks of Jack Daniels and Coke, and my boyfriend got three drinks of rum and Coke.
We sat on the patio so that we could smoke. But the weather turned shitty after a little while. It started raining and the umbrella over the table wasn't helping. So, we decided to go to a different bar. Its one that I've wanted to go to for a little while. But I needed my ID first, so we had to stop by my house (the rain stopped while we were on our way). It was kinda cold outside, so I changed into jeans and did a few more things quickly, then we left. But unfortunately, when we got to the bar...it was closed. Which is really strange. It was only 11:30 pm. :/
We ended up back at the bars on the boardwalk. Went to a different one though. And I only had one more drink, because I'm trying to cut back on drinking. Just another drink of Jack Daniels and Coke. I find that you can get really sick from drinking several different types of liquor in one night. My boyfriend agrees, so he had a few more drinks of rum and Coke. We were sitting on the patio again. But since it had rained, the seats were all wet. I used my knee to wipe off the seat, but it didn't help much. My pants and my back got wet. I remember taking a lot of pictures, we talked for hours, played some silly games, picked our characters from movies and seen a cute baby mouse that I named Tommy. I wanted to take him home. :3
We headed out and we were supposed to get cigarettes, but my boyfriend was hungry. So we stopped into Subway. I started feeling really sick, so I didn't get anything to eat. I waited until he was finished eating and I got him to walk me home (and he dropped his water bottle which went halfway down the road - it was pretty funny). We didn't even bother with the cigarettes. I was just focused on trying to feel better.
He came into my house and stayed with me for a little while. He helped me clear off my bed, then talked to me while I was relaxing. I don't remember what time he left, but we had a goodnight kiss and he got a taxi home and I just relaxed in bed with Powerade and watched Breaking Amish: LA.
Today my awesome dream was interrupted by my alarm clock. Ugh. And it was just getting good! I had a dream that I was Conan's assistant (second time I've had a dream that I was his assistant). I lived in his house too. His wife left and took his kids. He was a wreck. I came home to find him drunk and crying on the floor. So I went over to talk to him. Then I layed down next to him and cuddled up to him and told him it would all be alright. Then we started kissing. It was pretty fucking sexy. We dated for a while, but he kept it a secret. He said he didn't want me to be in the spotlight. So he ended up breaking up with me and leaving me the house. One night when it was raining, there was a knock on the door. It was him. Drunk and soaking wet. He grabbed me and kissed me. Then I woke up. Waaaah. :'(
So I haven't really done much today. Its a holiday and my plans with friends were cancelled. So I've been relaxing in bed, working on the labels/tags (which is taking forever - 2011 should be done tonight) and whatever else I usually do on a boring day. Also, its raining again. I hate it. I always feel kinda shitty when the weather sucks. I'm hoping for another sexy Conan dream tonight. That'll cheer me up. ;)
Sounds like a fun anniversary =) apart from the feeling sick of course lol.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the relationship goes.. if passion feels forced then it's not worth it. Perhaps you would be better off as best friends again. I started to feel that way with my husband and that's when I knew there was a problem. We rarely ever kissed and when we did there was no spark, at least not for me. I didn't ever want to sleep with him and if he suggested or tried to it felt wrong =/
If you force things you might end up resenting each other and possibly not be friends anymore. Maybe you should give it some time but if things don't change you should consider being just friends.
Well, happy one year anniversary to you guys, even though it wasn't what you expected. If you feel that you're being pushed away and are fantasizing about other men and such, maybe you need some space to yourself? Space isn't necessarily a bad thing, and time away from BJ may be what you need... maybe you need to find out what YOU want, rather than stick around and wait for something that may or may not happen. Totally not trying to sound like a douche here, but I'd rather not see you hurt or anything if you stick around and just wait, wait, wait. I think you need to be happy, especially if you haven't really kissed... kissing is so important to ME in a relationship, it's a type of bonding and a super sign of affection - whether it's romantic and passionate, a semi-quick kiss or a simple peck on the cheek or lips - that's a big thing in my eyes. It's so unfair to you, too, if he's not that into it. It almost sounds like you guys are more like friends who like each other rather than relationship material :( I'm so sorry and I wish you the best, love.
ReplyDeleteI love the rainy weather, myself, but only during a warm spring day or night, or when it's during the summer and it's not freezing rain. It makes me relax more, but I TOTALLY know how you feel on hating it, at the same time. It's bothersome to our bodies and joints, I can't stand how it makes the body ache!
I wish I could give you even a tiny bit of helpful advice but the best I can do is tell you that you need to follow what's in your heart. no matter what your decision is, your true friends will still love you. only your heart can lead you in the right direction. Word of advice though... Liquor and seafood NEVER work LOL.
ReplyDelete