it looks like up to me

♪♫ Been Down So Long - The Doors

I feel bad that I rarely write blogs anymore and don't keep in touch with people as often as I'd like to. I've been going through a hard time for a while now. I'm not sure if I blogged about this before, but; I cut my mother out of my life four-ish months ago. For those who don't know; she was abusive my entire life. A completely toxic person. And the main reason that I have so many mental issues. Well, those mental issues have not gotten a lot better to be honest...:/

My general level of anxiety has decreased. I don't always feel like something bad could happen at every moment. I mostly feel safe. But I feel very depressed. I feel like I'm slowly sinking into a deep depression and I'm not even trying to stop it. Most of the time I'll say that I have no particular reason for being depressed, because I have clinical depression...and I just get depressed sometimes. But in this case...I'm depressed for a reason. I lost my mother. She isn't dead, but she isn't in my life. And no one in my family speaks to her either. So I have no idea if shes even doing alright. And of course; I'm living in a city with no family whatsoever. My friends are great and I appreciate them helping me...but its not the same. :'(

I hear people talk about their mothers and I feel jealous. I don't like feeling jealousy. I'm not generally a jealous person. But the feeling also arises when I'm out in public and I see mothers with their children. I miss my mother. And I know that I can't have her back in my life. But I can't help and wish that she'd somehow be the normal and loving mother that I've always wanted. It haunts my daydreams. And my dreams at night. Which leads me to another big problem for me; insomnia. Trust me when I say; I've tried everything. My doctor has me on a high dosage of sleeping pills, but they aren't even working! How frustrating is that? I barely managed to fall asleep last night. I had to drink two cups of camomile tea, take my sleeping pills, take melatonin, take my nighttime anxiety medication and force myself to shut my mind off. -_-

I've come to realize that the mind is like an egg. Too much pressure and it cracks. And its possible to seal the cracks...but the cracks will always be there. Those little lines will be visible forever. They don't fade. So I will always have those emotional scars. But I'm hoping to seal the cracks. I want to write. Not just as a hobby, but for a living. I want to publish novels. I want to see my novels in stores. I want to do book signings. Its my biggest dream. But it can't happen while I'm in this state. How can I do anything productive when getting out of bed is difficult? Hell, even just doing things like eating or taking a shower is hard. And nothing makes it more difficult than going through it completely alone. I don't leave my house. My boyfriend works a lot. My friends are always busy. I hate it. Loneliness is the worst feeling there ever was. :S

"I don't know how to be normal."...this is a feeling that I've felt all of my life. And I thought that I felt it alone. But I have met some people who also feel the same way. It sounds like something you'd hear from a 15 year old kid going through an emo faze, but this is something I think that any survivor of prolonged abuse has felt or does feel. There are also the feelings that I did something wrong. That I deserved it. That maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. That I shouldn't burden people by talking about it. That I'm crazy. But I suppose that is all just a part of my PTSD. I've been diagnosed with nearly ten mental disorders, but PTSD is by far the worst in my opinion...:(

Nightmares. This goes back to my insomnia. And probably one of the main reasons for it...I have nightmares every night. Absolutely awful ones that leave me shivering through the day. They started when I stopped talking to my mother. No coincidence. I will admit that they have gotten a little better. When they began, it was mostly the same theme in every dream; my mother was a serial killer/cannibal and was trying to kill me. Slowly that progressed into nightmares about her controlling my life. And now my nightmares start out like normal dreams, but then she shows up and hurts me. She'll call me names and start hitting me. Or she'll drag me away from where I'm at and take me home. Although, it feels a lot less like home and a lot more like prison. And sometimes the old nightmares come back. Like I haven't moved forward at all. I wish these nightmares would end. D:

I don't think I should feel ashamed for writing this blog. I don't want pity. I just wanted people to know that I'm ill. I'm very sick. I don't need advice. I don't want cliche replies. I just want people to understand. I know its hard for a lot of people to wrap their heads around mental illness. There are still people who don't believe that its real. But it is, unfortunately. Treat me like you'd treat someone with a throat infection or a broken leg. If you wanna say anything to me; just tell me that you wish for a speedy recovery or hope that I get well soon. And thanks to everyone who has already helped me in one way or another. :)