I'm breaking out of this cage

♪♫ Not Afraid - Eminem

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog about general life updates. My last blog was about the loss of my sweet girl Kitkit, and the one before that was about my trip to Europe. In between all of that, I have had some updates that I haven't gotten the chance to share since about mid October. Starting with all the thrifting and eBay/Etsy purchasing I've been doing! The only thing I didn't purchase in the below images is the Carrie book with no title, which is what my dad bought me for my birthday in December. Also, this doesn't include all the clothes I have purchased. I usually don't post about clothes because I find it so much less interesting.

In my last blog, I had also discussed how I was working on memorializing Kitkit. Since then, all the items have arrived, and I picked up her box of ashes. I set up a little area on my shelf for her, but her box of ashes have been in my bed since I brought them home. I wrapped them in a thick blanket to prevent me from taking my eye out on the sharp corners, but I just couldn't bear to have her sitting on a shelf. At least not right now. I'm still struggling with the grief. Anyways, here is what I have to remind me of her...

Since she passed, I have been battling grief and grief-induced depression. It doesn't help that the winter here has been much harsher than usual, causing a snowstorm every single week. In addition to that, I'm working, doing a student placement, and taking two classes. I'm so overwhelmed and I don't have any control over it. It feels like I'm drowning. My goal of starting my career and finally having my own place seems as far away as it did five years ago. The goal posts keep moving, and I'm exhausted. I'm thirty-three, and I shouldn't be in survival mode just to try and start my life at this point. It feels frustrating and unfair that I am struggling so much.

Another blow to my mental health came last week when I received a rejection letter for my master's degree. A bachelor's degree in my field doesn't get me much more money than I make now, and the cost of living in my area is super high. I need a master's degree to get a higher paying job and actually live. Now I am worried about being homeless again. Everything I have worked towards for the past ten years has been fueled by my intense fear of being homeless again. I do not have family to help me financially or with a place to stay. My parents both live in tiny bachelor's apartments and are very low income. I am on my own to fight just to survive and I can't fucking take it anymore.

As I write this, my blood pressure feels like its rising. This is becoming so ridiculous and I honestly want to give up and just let everything fall apart. Maybe I'm meant to live on the streets, since life has handed me almost no lifelines and everything feels like I'm playing a game on hard mode. Its difficult to watch people accomplish all of these things with ease from having so much financial and emotional support. Those same people try and give me advice or guidance, and its just frustrating to hear anything from someone who has so much help. They don't understand how difficult this has been for me and how devastating it will be if I fail. I can't run to family for a place to live and money for a different degree. I have no backups.

I still have two more master's programs to apply to, but I feel so defeated. It feels like there is no point. I'm trying to climb out of a pit that keeps getting deeper. I hate my life right now, and that is an awful thing to admit, because I loved my life for years up until now. It all fell apart so quickly. I don't feel like myself at all. I feel so disconnected from who I am.

That is a heavy rant, but I needed to get it off my chest. I don't know what will happen in coming months, but I am not able to continue with this stress much longer, and quitting is so appealing to me right now. And no, I'm not suicidal. I certainly feel like everything is unbearable, but my brain hasn't reached that thought yet.