♪♫ Alone Again, Naturally - Gilbert O'Sullivan
I've been so depressed for the past few days. I need to get out of here and I'm hoping I will get into housing. My appointment is tomorrow at 9:00 am. I'm so nervous. I cannot handle anymore abuse from my psychopathic mother. I'm not even exaggerating at all. Her own mother can't stand her and other members of my family refuse to speak to her. I'm not allowed to leave my room. I'm not allowed to check the mail. I'm not allowed to sit in the living room. I can't do anything. Its her fucking germophobia, OCD and anger problem. She wont acknowledge any of them. She just ignores it. I have OCD, but I don't act like a bat shit crazy lunatic on bath salts. She always freaks out and screams about everything. You literally cannot have a conversation with her. She is always screaming. Its always been that way. I feel like I was raised with no parents to be honest. She abandoned me a long time ago. She never spent time with me, she never spoke to me, she just ignored and screamed. But I guess all of that has made me a very independent person. A little too independent to be honest...
Enough of that angry rant. I just needed to get that off my chest. I don't often talk about my abusive past on here. Its hard for me. Plus I want to forget it. I really want to pretend I'm okay. I know now that I have to face the truth and my Psychiatrist told me that if I don't move out, I will never get any better. He said she is keeping me stuck and I can't move forward and I need to move out. He seemed really worried. And he also told me that I need to un-learn everything I've ever been taught as a child. I basically have to re-train my brain and its gonna take a really long time. Its sad, because the abuse has been going on for so long that quiet and happiness doesn't feel normal. I feel almost addicted to pain and suffering.
So besides that disaster, Sunday was not too bad of a day. Once again, I just spent my time playing Super Mario World and watching Doctor Who. In the evening I decided that I needed to get out. So I got a hold of my friend Matt and we went for a journey around the neighborhood. I really needed a good talk and some fresh air. Being stuck in here is driving me insane. I also got some Subway before going home. Oh and I ordered two more things online, since I got a refund from someone who sent me a broken product. I bought the book Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? and a deathly hallows necklace. Like usual, I fell asleep right after Bates Motel...which was insane and I'm dying to see season two now.
On Monday I was supposed to go to a BBQ that was celebrating my step dad getting through his first part of college. But I didn't feel well, so my mom made a couple cheeseburgers and they left. I spent all day playing Super Mario World and I made it really far. I'm one level away from Bowser's Castle! My brought cake back in the evening and I had two giant pieces. I kinda regret it, because I'm trying to watch my food intake, but when I'm stressed...I eat a lot. Thankfully I'm not really overweight. But still...
Tuesday started out bad...got good...then bad again. My mother was in a horrible mood, but thankfully I had plans with my boyfriend, so I didn't have to put up with her for long. My checkered sweater arrived in the mail, which was exciting. It fits perfect and its super comfy. But not long after that, my mom started freaking out again. I nearly had a panic attack, then I got screamed at for that too. So I just left and my boyfriend showed up and took me to Jungle Jim's for dinner. We spent some time walking around after that. We randomly seen a porta-potty floating in the harbour, which was kinda funny. Then he helped me get groceries and bring them to my house. Before taking my groceries inside, we sat outside, smoked and talked. I felt a bit better, but I still can't shake my depression. Its not gonna leave until I stop living here. But she didn't bother me anymore that evening. She just handed me another package that arrived for me and left. It turned out to be the Eraserhead shirt I ordered, which also fits perfect and is super comfy. Other than that, I just watched TV and fell asleep.
I was woken up at 7:30 am by my mother who asked me if I needed anything, because she was going shopping and she came back with pretty much nothing that I asked for. Then someone called for me twice and I ended up watching The Hangover. So I didn't have much sleep. Then when I woke up for good, I just watched That 70s Show, The Hangover Part II, listened to music and played Super Mario World. It sounds like a decent time, but its what I do every fucking day and I'm sick of it.
I've been so depressed for the past few days. I need to get out of here and I'm hoping I will get into housing. My appointment is tomorrow at 9:00 am. I'm so nervous. I cannot handle anymore abuse from my psychopathic mother. I'm not even exaggerating at all. Her own mother can't stand her and other members of my family refuse to speak to her. I'm not allowed to leave my room. I'm not allowed to check the mail. I'm not allowed to sit in the living room. I can't do anything. Its her fucking germophobia, OCD and anger problem. She wont acknowledge any of them. She just ignores it. I have OCD, but I don't act like a bat shit crazy lunatic on bath salts. She always freaks out and screams about everything. You literally cannot have a conversation with her. She is always screaming. Its always been that way. I feel like I was raised with no parents to be honest. She abandoned me a long time ago. She never spent time with me, she never spoke to me, she just ignored and screamed. But I guess all of that has made me a very independent person. A little too independent to be honest...
Enough of that angry rant. I just needed to get that off my chest. I don't often talk about my abusive past on here. Its hard for me. Plus I want to forget it. I really want to pretend I'm okay. I know now that I have to face the truth and my Psychiatrist told me that if I don't move out, I will never get any better. He said she is keeping me stuck and I can't move forward and I need to move out. He seemed really worried. And he also told me that I need to un-learn everything I've ever been taught as a child. I basically have to re-train my brain and its gonna take a really long time. Its sad, because the abuse has been going on for so long that quiet and happiness doesn't feel normal. I feel almost addicted to pain and suffering.
So besides that disaster, Sunday was not too bad of a day. Once again, I just spent my time playing Super Mario World and watching Doctor Who. In the evening I decided that I needed to get out. So I got a hold of my friend Matt and we went for a journey around the neighborhood. I really needed a good talk and some fresh air. Being stuck in here is driving me insane. I also got some Subway before going home. Oh and I ordered two more things online, since I got a refund from someone who sent me a broken product. I bought the book Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? and a deathly hallows necklace. Like usual, I fell asleep right after Bates Motel...which was insane and I'm dying to see season two now.
On Monday I was supposed to go to a BBQ that was celebrating my step dad getting through his first part of college. But I didn't feel well, so my mom made a couple cheeseburgers and they left. I spent all day playing Super Mario World and I made it really far. I'm one level away from Bowser's Castle! My brought cake back in the evening and I had two giant pieces. I kinda regret it, because I'm trying to watch my food intake, but when I'm stressed...I eat a lot. Thankfully I'm not really overweight. But still...
Tuesday started out bad...got good...then bad again. My mother was in a horrible mood, but thankfully I had plans with my boyfriend, so I didn't have to put up with her for long. My checkered sweater arrived in the mail, which was exciting. It fits perfect and its super comfy. But not long after that, my mom started freaking out again. I nearly had a panic attack, then I got screamed at for that too. So I just left and my boyfriend showed up and took me to Jungle Jim's for dinner. We spent some time walking around after that. We randomly seen a porta-potty floating in the harbour, which was kinda funny. Then he helped me get groceries and bring them to my house. Before taking my groceries inside, we sat outside, smoked and talked. I felt a bit better, but I still can't shake my depression. Its not gonna leave until I stop living here. But she didn't bother me anymore that evening. She just handed me another package that arrived for me and left. It turned out to be the Eraserhead shirt I ordered, which also fits perfect and is super comfy. Other than that, I just watched TV and fell asleep.
I was woken up at 7:30 am by my mother who asked me if I needed anything, because she was going shopping and she came back with pretty much nothing that I asked for. Then someone called for me twice and I ended up watching The Hangover. So I didn't have much sleep. Then when I woke up for good, I just watched That 70s Show, The Hangover Part II, listened to music and played Super Mario World. It sounds like a decent time, but its what I do every fucking day and I'm sick of it.
Heyhey! I'd love to link exchange with you, I'll update my blogroll soon!
ReplyDeleteI hope you get to move out, sounds like things aren't good and I'm concerned too. I'm glad you're getting help for all this, though.
Good luck!