♪♫ Queen of Disaster - Lana Del Rey
I've had some pretty interesting things occur in the past few days. Mostly bad things. But its all better now. And I'm glad for that. My anxiety was unbearable. So I'll start with Friday. I went shopping with my mum. We went to the liquor store, the dollar store and the grocery store. My mum had to get a bunch of stuff for the potluck she had planned for Saturday. I got a few treats for helping out; a can of Smirnoff Ice, a new mirror (I broke mine - again -_-), mini red velvet cupcakes and egg nog. I was quite pleased. ^_^
Nothing much happened after we went home. Until around dinnertime. My mum had a panic attack and my step dad got me to call 911. She calmed down not long after they arrived and they told her that she was fine, but she should see a doctor about her anxiety (which I've been telling her for years). It made my anxiety level rise quite a bit, but I remained calm. Unfortunately because my step dad is a complete piece of shit, he told my mum that he wanted to separate after the paramedics left. He later changed his mind, but still...it made her have a second panic attack (not as bad as the first one though). I fucking despise that asshole. -_-
Later in the evening, I started thinking about my frustrations about BJ. Our lack of a sex life. He is perfect in every other way. But we have no intimacy. So I was shuffling through articles on Google and talking to a couple friends about it. I ended up deciding to tell him that we are taking a break until he figures out why his sex drive is so low. Its abnormal for a man who is only twenty years old. I feel like its probably another health issue, and the low sex drive is a symptom of it. I could be wrong though.
As bad as it is...I told him via text. I rarely see him (because he is always at school or work), so I figured I would have to wait a while and I just wanted to get it over with. I really didn't want to have to do it, but it was my last option. He promised many times to figure out the issue, but never did. So I had to take the "tough love" approach. I cried when I did it, and he was really upset as well. But to be clear; it wasn't a break up. Just a break. Time apart to fix the flaws in our relationship.
I had to clean my room to get my mind off of it. Then I got some munchies and watched a movie. But it didn't help. I desperately wanted to text him and take back everything I said. I regretted it, even though I knew it was for the best. I stayed strong. But oddly, my ex boyfriend K seen my relationship status change (to 'in a complicated relationship'), and began hitting on me. It was subtle, but I picked up on it. I wasn't really that annoyed to be honest. He doesn't come on very strong. It was kinda flattering. :P
I didn't sleep very well that night. So I woke up kinda early on Saturday. I felt depressed and felt like having a nice hot bath. It started out pretty relaxing. Then I noticed that the bath water kept getting more and more blue. I got a picture of it just before I pulled the plug. It was so dark! I've had hair dye cause my bath water to turn different colors before, but never that extreme! I couldn't even see my legs at the bottom of the tub. O.o
My mum was pretty mad at me after I got out of the bathroom, because apparently my alarm went off and woke her up. Oops. And of course; I had more strong urges to text BJ. But I resisted. I tried everything to distract myself, including using some cute nail stickers (with skulls and crossbones on them), playing Grand Theft Auto IV, and got myself all dressed up (for plans later in the evening). My mum had her potluck with all her church friends. It was slightly awkward. I didn't fit in at all. And I had no appetite either. I just sat around and drank my Smirnoff Ice (I really miss my Jack Daniels D:).
I was supposed to hangout with Kat and Adam after that, but Kat was exhausted (because Allie has been teething), so I decided to let her rest. Instead, I went with Matt to Michelle's house. She wasn't home, but her girlfriend was (Sasha). So we chilled with her. She is pretty awesome. Easy to talk to and funny. Silly Matt got pretty drunk. And we all had some interesting conversations. It was great. But I found myself missing BJ more and more. I kept thinking about him and checking my phone. Ugh. :(
I had a pretty scary experience that night too. The three of us went outside for a cigarette, and a white truck drove up to us and asked where "Xmas Street" was. Sasha immediately ran inside. Matt and I froze, then I said "No. Sorry!" and he drove off in a hurry. There is no "Xmas Street" in my city. He clearly made up a lie. And there have been so many reports of men in trucks trying to abduct women around here. Plus three different women were found in the water...the thought of a serial killer is on everyone's mind. :/
Michelle showed up about a half an hour before Matt and I left. Her and Sasha cuddled. It was so cute. And Matt kept showing me random videos on YouTube. Meanwhile I'm having bad anxiety and obsessively checking my phone. BJ texted me and we had a long conversation (while I was still at Michelle's, while Matt walked me home & while I was in my bedroom). We decided not to be on a "break" anymore, because it felt too much like a break up and it was upsetting us both. So we're still in a relationship, but we are giving each other a lot of space to work on things. But we agreed to continue our cute texting. A complete cut off of communication would be too hard. I realize now how much I love him. And how scared I was. Commitment terrifies me. I always thought I'd be the type of person who has several relationships throughout my life. But I've settled with a lovely man. And I'm so happy. On an unrelated topic; I ended my night with munchies and a movie. Feeling like life is perfect. :D ♥
Today I spent most of my time on Ebay. Looking for more things to add to my wishlist, getting ideas, finding cheaper versions of things I want, etc. I bid on something that BJ, Kara and I discussed buying; The Jumanji Board Game! Its $30 (which means we each pay $10), we'll be keeping it at BJ's house, and most importantly; I'd get to live out my childhood fantasy of playing that game. I was so obsessed with the movie as a kid! I hope I get it (I'll know by Saturday). Anyways, I also ordered another David Lynch film; The Elephant Man. I'll be paying for it on Thursday (the big day when I buy all my birthday & Christmas presents!).
The same ex boyfriend that I was mentioning earlier (K), started messaging me again today. Except this time...he came right out and said some pretty intense stuff to me. He told me that he wishes we had never broken up, he wishes we were still together, he misses me, he thinks I'm amazing, he feels stupid for letting me go, kept apologizing for being a douchebag, and kept calling me "babe" and "hun". He said he wants to hangout with me asap. And that I make him feel better. I was very flattered, but I don't feel the same way. He is such a nice guy. And I want to help him as much as possible. He has a very troubled life. D:
I also got Matt to agree to go to the clinic with me on Tuesday. I'm pretty sure I have a UTI again. I had one a couple months ago. I don't think it went away. Its so bad now. *TMI* I have a really hard time peeing. It takes five minutes. It feels like there is a blockage or something. And when I finally pee, it burns and it doesn't come out in a normal flow. I feel like I have to keep pushing it out in small bits. Plus I've noticed that I feel the urge to pee a lot, but I can't go. Ugh. I hope it gets dealt with.
I'm gonna go relax in bed, watch TV and drink some tea. Goodnight! :3
I've had some pretty interesting things occur in the past few days. Mostly bad things. But its all better now. And I'm glad for that. My anxiety was unbearable. So I'll start with Friday. I went shopping with my mum. We went to the liquor store, the dollar store and the grocery store. My mum had to get a bunch of stuff for the potluck she had planned for Saturday. I got a few treats for helping out; a can of Smirnoff Ice, a new mirror (I broke mine - again -_-), mini red velvet cupcakes and egg nog. I was quite pleased. ^_^
Nothing much happened after we went home. Until around dinnertime. My mum had a panic attack and my step dad got me to call 911. She calmed down not long after they arrived and they told her that she was fine, but she should see a doctor about her anxiety (which I've been telling her for years). It made my anxiety level rise quite a bit, but I remained calm. Unfortunately because my step dad is a complete piece of shit, he told my mum that he wanted to separate after the paramedics left. He later changed his mind, but still...it made her have a second panic attack (not as bad as the first one though). I fucking despise that asshole. -_-
Later in the evening, I started thinking about my frustrations about BJ. Our lack of a sex life. He is perfect in every other way. But we have no intimacy. So I was shuffling through articles on Google and talking to a couple friends about it. I ended up deciding to tell him that we are taking a break until he figures out why his sex drive is so low. Its abnormal for a man who is only twenty years old. I feel like its probably another health issue, and the low sex drive is a symptom of it. I could be wrong though.
As bad as it is...I told him via text. I rarely see him (because he is always at school or work), so I figured I would have to wait a while and I just wanted to get it over with. I really didn't want to have to do it, but it was my last option. He promised many times to figure out the issue, but never did. So I had to take the "tough love" approach. I cried when I did it, and he was really upset as well. But to be clear; it wasn't a break up. Just a break. Time apart to fix the flaws in our relationship.
I had to clean my room to get my mind off of it. Then I got some munchies and watched a movie. But it didn't help. I desperately wanted to text him and take back everything I said. I regretted it, even though I knew it was for the best. I stayed strong. But oddly, my ex boyfriend K seen my relationship status change (to 'in a complicated relationship'), and began hitting on me. It was subtle, but I picked up on it. I wasn't really that annoyed to be honest. He doesn't come on very strong. It was kinda flattering. :P
I didn't sleep very well that night. So I woke up kinda early on Saturday. I felt depressed and felt like having a nice hot bath. It started out pretty relaxing. Then I noticed that the bath water kept getting more and more blue. I got a picture of it just before I pulled the plug. It was so dark! I've had hair dye cause my bath water to turn different colors before, but never that extreme! I couldn't even see my legs at the bottom of the tub. O.o
My mum was pretty mad at me after I got out of the bathroom, because apparently my alarm went off and woke her up. Oops. And of course; I had more strong urges to text BJ. But I resisted. I tried everything to distract myself, including using some cute nail stickers (with skulls and crossbones on them), playing Grand Theft Auto IV, and got myself all dressed up (for plans later in the evening). My mum had her potluck with all her church friends. It was slightly awkward. I didn't fit in at all. And I had no appetite either. I just sat around and drank my Smirnoff Ice (I really miss my Jack Daniels D:).
I was supposed to hangout with Kat and Adam after that, but Kat was exhausted (because Allie has been teething), so I decided to let her rest. Instead, I went with Matt to Michelle's house. She wasn't home, but her girlfriend was (Sasha). So we chilled with her. She is pretty awesome. Easy to talk to and funny. Silly Matt got pretty drunk. And we all had some interesting conversations. It was great. But I found myself missing BJ more and more. I kept thinking about him and checking my phone. Ugh. :(
I had a pretty scary experience that night too. The three of us went outside for a cigarette, and a white truck drove up to us and asked where "Xmas Street" was. Sasha immediately ran inside. Matt and I froze, then I said "No. Sorry!" and he drove off in a hurry. There is no "Xmas Street" in my city. He clearly made up a lie. And there have been so many reports of men in trucks trying to abduct women around here. Plus three different women were found in the water...the thought of a serial killer is on everyone's mind. :/
Michelle showed up about a half an hour before Matt and I left. Her and Sasha cuddled. It was so cute. And Matt kept showing me random videos on YouTube. Meanwhile I'm having bad anxiety and obsessively checking my phone. BJ texted me and we had a long conversation (while I was still at Michelle's, while Matt walked me home & while I was in my bedroom). We decided not to be on a "break" anymore, because it felt too much like a break up and it was upsetting us both. So we're still in a relationship, but we are giving each other a lot of space to work on things. But we agreed to continue our cute texting. A complete cut off of communication would be too hard. I realize now how much I love him. And how scared I was. Commitment terrifies me. I always thought I'd be the type of person who has several relationships throughout my life. But I've settled with a lovely man. And I'm so happy. On an unrelated topic; I ended my night with munchies and a movie. Feeling like life is perfect. :D ♥
Today I spent most of my time on Ebay. Looking for more things to add to my wishlist, getting ideas, finding cheaper versions of things I want, etc. I bid on something that BJ, Kara and I discussed buying; The Jumanji Board Game! Its $30 (which means we each pay $10), we'll be keeping it at BJ's house, and most importantly; I'd get to live out my childhood fantasy of playing that game. I was so obsessed with the movie as a kid! I hope I get it (I'll know by Saturday). Anyways, I also ordered another David Lynch film; The Elephant Man. I'll be paying for it on Thursday (the big day when I buy all my birthday & Christmas presents!).
The same ex boyfriend that I was mentioning earlier (K), started messaging me again today. Except this time...he came right out and said some pretty intense stuff to me. He told me that he wishes we had never broken up, he wishes we were still together, he misses me, he thinks I'm amazing, he feels stupid for letting me go, kept apologizing for being a douchebag, and kept calling me "babe" and "hun". He said he wants to hangout with me asap. And that I make him feel better. I was very flattered, but I don't feel the same way. He is such a nice guy. And I want to help him as much as possible. He has a very troubled life. D:
I also got Matt to agree to go to the clinic with me on Tuesday. I'm pretty sure I have a UTI again. I had one a couple months ago. I don't think it went away. Its so bad now. *TMI* I have a really hard time peeing. It takes five minutes. It feels like there is a blockage or something. And when I finally pee, it burns and it doesn't come out in a normal flow. I feel like I have to keep pushing it out in small bits. Plus I've noticed that I feel the urge to pee a lot, but I can't go. Ugh. I hope it gets dealt with.
I'm gonna go relax in bed, watch TV and drink some tea. Goodnight! :3
Hey DeeDee. Thanks for visiting my site. Just thinking about what you said about that ex boyfriend, it's so hard when someone feels like that for you but you don't feel it back. Just be honest with him. And that sucks about the UTI =[ How horrible!
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