watching all of history repeat itself

♪♫ Dreamer - Ozzy Osbourne

In my last blog, I said that I was going to bed early...well that didn't happen. I couldn't fall asleep until around 7:00 am. I'm getting really sick of my insomnia. But nothing seems to help. I've been taking prescribed pills and melatonin. Ahhh. And since nothing interesting happens in the middle of the night; I decided to get dressed up and take pictures of myself. :3


Saturday was a pretty amazing day. I did nothing productive for a little while, then I got ready to meet up with BJ. I also did something that I've never done before...*WARNING: sexual content ahead* I sent him naked pictures of me. But I cropped my head out. Y'know...just in case something goes wrong. They turned out good. But I was late getting ready, so I couldn't send them to him until I actually met up with him around 6:30 pm. Which made me really nervous because I was there in person to see his reaction. But he really liked them. So I feel good. ;D

We had a lot of plans that day, but we started out by going to the pharmacy to get my prescription filled. I was gonna get my groceries at the same time (because the pharmacy is in the grocery store), but we decided it was better to do it after all of our other plans, because stopping at my house to drop them off was out of the way and carrying them around would be really aggravating. And luckily we only had to wait twenty minutes for my prescription, so we weren't bored for long. Since the smoke shop was right there, BJ got a pack of cigarettes (yeah...we still haven't quit -_-) and some cheesies...which is weird. Why would a smoke shop sell cheesies!? Anyways, we caught the bus heading out East after that.

We got to the mall half an hour before it closed. And we were both pretty hungry, so we decided to get some Subway. But BJ stopped into the video game store and ended up buying something. So we made it to Subway a few minutes before it closed. At least I got my supper. I would have been cranky if I had to endure the rest of the evening on an empty stomach. Also, there was a poster thingy promoting Proactiv and the model was Julianne Hough. I immediately thought of Izzy (from my story). I can't even see her as Julianne anymore. She is Izzy to me. :P

We got to the movie theatre late. And we both had to use the bathroom after buying the tickets, so we were even more late. It probably didn't help that I took a picture of myself in the bathroom mirror. I've just been feeling good about myself lately. Anyways, we went to see This Is The End again. It was about five minutes into the movie by the time we got inside. But since we had seen it before, it wasn't a big deal. And I got to see Jay Baruchel. Which of course; reminded me of Justin (from my story). He isn't Jay anymore. He is Justin to me. Just like what I said about Julianne being Izzy. Oh and the movie was way funnier than the first time we watched it. Not sure why. :P


We went to the grocery store after the movie, so that I could finally get some groceries. And I only had $25, so I barely got anything. Just stuff like; pizza pockets, bananas, milk, chocolate, cereal etc. And I ended up having $6 leftover because I calculated it wrong. But oh well. I have money to get one or two more things if I need it. After our little adventure with grocery shopping, we went to the bus stop (even though the buses had stopped running) and had a few cigarettes before calling a taxi to go to my house.

I put my groceries away as soon as we got inside my house. Now...things are gonna get...really personal. Once again; *WARNING: sexual content ahead* I had been planning that entire day to make a move on him (since we haven't had sex yet). Hence why I sent him the naked pictures, plus I was hinting at it all day. So we were kissing and he ended up making a move on me...I was pretty surprised. So...lets just say I wasn't exactly clothed. And at that point, I figured...it was time. We should just do it. I've waited for over a year and no other guy has made me wait very long. So I asked him and he said yes (& then we sat there in silence awkwardly until we decided how we were gonna do it). Long story short; it wasn't awkward like I pictured it. It was wonderful. And uh...*TMI* I was the first girl he ever gave an orgasm to (& trust me - I don't fake those - I'm pretty blunt if the person isn't doing a good job). He felt so good about that. He even took a picture of my "afterglow". I feel like we're so much closer now. I don't feel frustrated with him and I don't wanna break up with him anymore. ^_^ ♥

I slept in pretty late on Sunday, since its my "catch-up-on-sleep-day". I was gonna work on my story, but I decided that I need a longer break from writing. So I did nothing productive at all. All I did was; research diseases and drugs, try the new Cookies and Cream Milk2Go drink (which is good, but it doesn't taste like cookies & cream - it tastes like Coffee Crisp O.o), got chili from Julius for supper (went to the store for Tostitos, but it was closed - luckily I had just enough left at home) and had a 90s music marathon (I was originally planning on cleaning my room - but I felt too lazy).


Later on that night...I did something kinda wild. I couldn't sleep and I was bored, so I was watching YouTube videos of people cutting and dying their own hair. I got inspired and I cut my own bangs. I went for the Bettie Page look. Its something I've wanted for a long time, but I was scared of doing it before. And I don't regret it. I love it! And even if I decide that I hate it; my bangs grow pretty fast, so they'll be back to normal by November if I want them to. Anyways, the first picture is sorta my "before" picture. I kinda look like a mixture of Donna Hayward and Audrey Horne from Twin Peaks. And clearly the second picture is of my new bangs! :)


Yesterday was a horrible day. But it didn't start out that bad. I decided to go to the salon and get my bangs fixed up. They looked good before, but my OCD made me paranoid. The hairdresser told me that I didn't do a bad job though. But she fixed up small errors, so they look perfect now. It was only $5 too! I also decided to do something I've wanted to do for a long time; dye my hair blue! I used half of my birthday money for the supplies, and I'll be using the other half to stock up on blue hair dye (since it doesn't go bad for a long time). And my boyfriend can get me a discount on bleach every month (so it'll cost about $10 every month!). I just need some tint brushes so that I'm only dying my roots. I don't wanna bleach my entire head every month. My hair would end up falling out. :/

So I spent around $40 all together for everything. I got; Garnier Nutrisse intense bleach cream, Manic Panic's Bad Boy Blue, a round brush (for blow drying my Bettie bangs), combs (to make sure the dye gets to every part of my hair evenly), bobby pins (because I needed them xD) and hair elastics (to section off my hair - it'll make dying it easier).


So I went home and hid everything, because my mom told me many times that I wasn't allowed to dye my hair in the house (even though she does). So I decided to wait until she went to work, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that bleach smells horrible and she definitely find out. So I asked some friends if I could dye my hair at their house, but they all said that their parents said no. Then my mom found out that I was dying my hair and freaked out. She told me it was a terrible idea and that my hair would look bad. Apparently because I'm an adult and I shouldn't dye my hair unnatural colors. She said "its for teenagers" and banned me from doing it. -_-

My entire reasoning behind this sudden change is because I've become somewhat depressed. All because I got rejected for permanent disability. And yes, I have clinical depression. But my pills have made me a much happier person over the past six months. But I still have those days every once in awhile. The point is; I promised myself that I would dye my hair blue when I got permanent disability (because I'd get $200 more a month - at least). And even though I didn't get it, I wanted to keep my promise to myself. But apparently I can't be happy because my mother is crazy. :(

So I had a panic attack, because that's what happens when someone makes me feel like an idiot about something. I decided not to dye my hair anymore and just sell everything. And it was so awful that I just ended up taking melatonin and going to sleep around 7:30 pm. I was planning on sleeping until the morning, but I ended up waking up around 11:00 pm...and I had another panic attack. I had to take an Ativan for the first time and it was scared. Thinking about taking it actually made my panic attack worse. I spent half an hour convincing myself to do it, then I finally did. I felt a little more calm after a few minutes, but I still felt anxious. So it didn't work very well. I felt like I was gonna be awake and feeling depressed all night, so I took more melatonin and passed out again.

My mom woke me up around 7:30 am with breakfast. I think it was an apology for getting so pissed at me. I hardly ate any of it though. My appetite isn't very good when I'm anxious and/or depressed. So I fell asleep again until my alarm woke me up at noon. Not even ten minutes after I woke up, the doorbell rang and I rushed down the stairs. I was hoping it was the mail man, and it was! He had a package for me. I already knew what it was because of how large and light the box was. It was my bowler hat! Its good quality, it fits me perfectly and its really comfy. I'm very happy! It also came with bubble wrap which instantly turned me into a kid again. Wooo! But I'm still waiting on those damn white suspenders that I ordered three weeks ago. Its making me paranoid that my Halloween costume won't be complete in time. -_-


Also, I spoke with my mom earlier and she is alright with me dying my hair now. As long as I don't dye it here and I take responsibility, which basically means; if I end up hating the color, I can't afford it to keep the roots touched up, I decide to go to a salon to get my hair back to its natural color, etc...she won't help me. I have to use my own money. But I'm fine with that. She hardly ever helps me out anyways.

So I'm going to BJ's to dye my hair later. I'm not 100% sure if its happening (I've learned to expect the worst), but there is a 95% chance that it will. I'm so nervous and I really hope it turns out exactly how I imagined it! Wish me luck! :)