♪♫ Psycho Killer - Talking Heads
I haven't blogged in a little while, due to my anxiety. I haven't been feeling well. *female problem alert* I've been on my period for two weeks and I've had a throat infection. I haven't worn makeup, dressed up or made an effort to look good at all. Its been a really rough two weeks and I'm extremely homesick.
I'm going back home on Friday. But I'm not gonna see my friends until Sunday. I'm really nervous to see them again. I've barely spoken to them the whole time I've been here (because I've been busy). I'm gonna have a whole new look and I hope they approve. I really need to boost my self confidence and self esteem.
A part of me doesn't want to see them at all. I wanna hide in my house and not talk to anyone. Partially because of my anxiety, but mainly because I'm depressed. The reason I'm depressed, is because all my friends seem to have their futures set. They know what they wanna do and they're all moving forward. I feel stuck in the same place. I feel like I'm being left behind.
I guess in a way, I'm kinda jealous. I'm barely keeping my life together and they have amazing futures ahead of them. Plus it upsets me that because of my anxiety; I can't do a lot of things with them (ex. go camping, move in with them, get high all the time, etc). I'm so timid and scared all the time. I feel like I'm dragging them down and holding them back.
Its becoming more and more difficult for me to talk to them. I feel like I wanna cry and tell them how awful I feel. How I'm in a state of deep depression. How I don't even have feelings for my ex anymore, because depression has numbed my feelings. I don't care about a lot of things anymore to be honest. I suppose I should go back on the anti-depressants I used to take and get some counselling again.
I should come to terms with the fact I have clinical depression. I've had it most of my life. Sometimes I go through periods of what I like to call 'false happiness' where I have fun and enjoy life for a little while. I guess it just recently ended for me. And it was the longest period of false happiness I've ever had. It lasted almost an entire year.
Now its back to the depression. And its gonna be worse when I go back home with my mum. Words can't describe how awful she is. But I'll try; violent, angry, psycho...she is a mess. I have to pretend I'm asleep every night when she gets home from work, or she'll harass me. I'd love nothing more than to move out, but I have no job and no place to go. So I put up with the psychological torture.
Thats all I really have to say. I'll blog again when I get my hair done.
I haven't blogged in a little while, due to my anxiety. I haven't been feeling well. *female problem alert* I've been on my period for two weeks and I've had a throat infection. I haven't worn makeup, dressed up or made an effort to look good at all. Its been a really rough two weeks and I'm extremely homesick.
I'm going back home on Friday. But I'm not gonna see my friends until Sunday. I'm really nervous to see them again. I've barely spoken to them the whole time I've been here (because I've been busy). I'm gonna have a whole new look and I hope they approve. I really need to boost my self confidence and self esteem.
A part of me doesn't want to see them at all. I wanna hide in my house and not talk to anyone. Partially because of my anxiety, but mainly because I'm depressed. The reason I'm depressed, is because all my friends seem to have their futures set. They know what they wanna do and they're all moving forward. I feel stuck in the same place. I feel like I'm being left behind.
I guess in a way, I'm kinda jealous. I'm barely keeping my life together and they have amazing futures ahead of them. Plus it upsets me that because of my anxiety; I can't do a lot of things with them (ex. go camping, move in with them, get high all the time, etc). I'm so timid and scared all the time. I feel like I'm dragging them down and holding them back.
Its becoming more and more difficult for me to talk to them. I feel like I wanna cry and tell them how awful I feel. How I'm in a state of deep depression. How I don't even have feelings for my ex anymore, because depression has numbed my feelings. I don't care about a lot of things anymore to be honest. I suppose I should go back on the anti-depressants I used to take and get some counselling again.
I should come to terms with the fact I have clinical depression. I've had it most of my life. Sometimes I go through periods of what I like to call 'false happiness' where I have fun and enjoy life for a little while. I guess it just recently ended for me. And it was the longest period of false happiness I've ever had. It lasted almost an entire year.
Now its back to the depression. And its gonna be worse when I go back home with my mum. Words can't describe how awful she is. But I'll try; violent, angry, psycho...she is a mess. I have to pretend I'm asleep every night when she gets home from work, or she'll harass me. I'd love nothing more than to move out, but I have no job and no place to go. So I put up with the psychological torture.
Thats all I really have to say. I'll blog again when I get my hair done.
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