♪♫ Till I Collapse - Eminem
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time fighting with my best friend. I'm sooo fucking livid and its for the stupidest reason ever: her and her little sister are gonna be staying at Garnet's and her dad is gonna be visiting a lot (there house was broken into, had the windows smashed, spray painted outside, etc). First of all; her dad hates me. Second of all; if they are sleeping there, I can't stay overnight. And that is literally the only way I can hangout with my friends...staying overnight at Garnet's. So I'm fucked.
I know what you're probably thinking: that is the most selfish thing I've ever heard. But it goes way behind that. I can't find the words to explain...but the whole thing just fills me with rage. Could it be the fact I introduced them and now they hangout all the time? Could it be that I feel neglected because they are always busy and can't hangout with me? Could it be that I feel like Robyn has replaced me with Garnet? Bingo, we have a winner!
I'm crazy, right? I'm actually jealous of my ex boyfriend. I feel like hes way smarter than me, way more fun than me, way nicer than me...I feel like Robyn got a best friend upgrade and I've been kicked to the curb. It especially hurt me when she messaged me and asked where Garnet was...because she needed to talk to him about a problem she had. I felt like screaming. I'm her best friend. Why couldn't she talk to me about it? Plus the fact that I can't help her in this vandalism situation makes me feel fucking awful. Like I'm stuck and I can't do anything. I'm useless. Honestly.
And sometimes they make me feel like the big bad bitch. Like if I step out of line, I'm a horrible person. But the thing that drives me insane the most? The fact they never make the effort to get a hold of me. I'm always the one calling/texting/messaging them. I don't think they realize how awful that makes me feel. I feel like I'm throwing myself in front of them to get noticed, but no matter what I do...I get ignored.
Maybe I'm crazy and maybe its all in my head. But either way, I'm not making the effort anymore. They can get a hold of me if they wanna talk or hangout.
And I don't even think they have any idea what I'm going through right now. I've been trying for a while now to open up about what is deeply hurting me. But every time I try or I'm about to...bam! I'm ignored or put aside. Now this problem I have is literally eating away at the shriveled up thing I call "my life". Its driving me insane. But its too late now, because I'm at the point where I can't talk about it. I refuse to tell anyone. Not that they'd be much help anyway. I'd get a "that sucks" or "shitty" or some other pitiful response.
Honestly. I just don't have one fuck left to give anymore.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time fighting with my best friend. I'm sooo fucking livid and its for the stupidest reason ever: her and her little sister are gonna be staying at Garnet's and her dad is gonna be visiting a lot (there house was broken into, had the windows smashed, spray painted outside, etc). First of all; her dad hates me. Second of all; if they are sleeping there, I can't stay overnight. And that is literally the only way I can hangout with my friends...staying overnight at Garnet's. So I'm fucked.
I know what you're probably thinking: that is the most selfish thing I've ever heard. But it goes way behind that. I can't find the words to explain...but the whole thing just fills me with rage. Could it be the fact I introduced them and now they hangout all the time? Could it be that I feel neglected because they are always busy and can't hangout with me? Could it be that I feel like Robyn has replaced me with Garnet? Bingo, we have a winner!
I'm crazy, right? I'm actually jealous of my ex boyfriend. I feel like hes way smarter than me, way more fun than me, way nicer than me...I feel like Robyn got a best friend upgrade and I've been kicked to the curb. It especially hurt me when she messaged me and asked where Garnet was...because she needed to talk to him about a problem she had. I felt like screaming. I'm her best friend. Why couldn't she talk to me about it? Plus the fact that I can't help her in this vandalism situation makes me feel fucking awful. Like I'm stuck and I can't do anything. I'm useless. Honestly.
And sometimes they make me feel like the big bad bitch. Like if I step out of line, I'm a horrible person. But the thing that drives me insane the most? The fact they never make the effort to get a hold of me. I'm always the one calling/texting/messaging them. I don't think they realize how awful that makes me feel. I feel like I'm throwing myself in front of them to get noticed, but no matter what I do...I get ignored.
Maybe I'm crazy and maybe its all in my head. But either way, I'm not making the effort anymore. They can get a hold of me if they wanna talk or hangout.
And I don't even think they have any idea what I'm going through right now. I've been trying for a while now to open up about what is deeply hurting me. But every time I try or I'm about to...bam! I'm ignored or put aside. Now this problem I have is literally eating away at the shriveled up thing I call "my life". Its driving me insane. But its too late now, because I'm at the point where I can't talk about it. I refuse to tell anyone. Not that they'd be much help anyway. I'd get a "that sucks" or "shitty" or some other pitiful response.
Honestly. I just don't have one fuck left to give anymore.
:( We spoke briefly about this in your inbox but I just wanted to reiterate the fact I'm here for you and I'm always here for you and I will listen if you need me to. <3 I love you.
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